Rayna
She drove into the parking lot at Dr. Jensen's office and parked towards the back. She reached for her purse and the hat she had laid on the passenger seat, then got out of the car. Before she'd left the house, she had put her jacket on over her hair, winding her scarf around her neck. She put the black fedora on and walked towards the building. She and Deacon had most often come to see Dr. Jensen on Saturdays which meant an empty parking lot. When they came on a weekday she always tried to disguise herself as much as she could. While she didn't have any issues with seeing a therapist, she didn't like making her personal life public. The good news was that Dr. Jensen's schedule meant that there was no one else in the waiting room and he had a back exit so they could leave without being seen.
The Thanksgiving weekend had been wonderful. Spending it with Deacon and the kids had been amazing. They had, in fact, had pizza on Thanksgiving as promised and she decided that was the only way to spend Thanksgiving going forward. They had hiked several times and then watched Christmas movies, made s'mores and hot chocolate, and played games the rest of the time. It had been relaxing and stress-free and she had really felt like they were finding their footing as a family. At night, she and Deacon sat by the fire and talked. They finished the song Deacon had started and worked on a couple more. Then they curled up together under the covers in bed and continued to reintroduce themselves to each other. It had been a fulfilling weekend and she'd been sad to see it end. Deacon had dropped her and the kids off the night before and she had almost asked him to stay, but she wanted a clear head for their session.
She wondered how their appointment would go now that there were changes in their relationship. They would need to let Dr. Jensen know so that the focus of the session was more appropriate, but the issues were still the same. While she felt like she had forgiven Deacon, the trust issue still needed to be addressed. She worried that, like before, the sessions would put them at odds afterwards and she wondered how Deacon would respond to that. When she got in the building, she took off her sunglasses and put them in her purse. She noticed that there wasn't a lot of traffic in the lobby and no one else rode up on the elevator with her.
When she walked in the waiting room, he was already there. "Am I late?" she asked, with a grin.
He shook his head. "Nope. I was early." She sat down next to him, taking off the hat, and he leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. "Missed you last night."
She smiled. "I missed you too, but I did get a really good night's sleep."
He raised his eyebrows and grinned. "Really? 'Cause I definitely did not."
Just then the door opened and Dr. Jensen stepped out. "Hey there, Deacon, Rayna. Come on back." They both got up and followed him into his office, sitting on the same couch in about the same place they always did. When they were settled, Dr. Jensen started the session. "So, I know it's been a little bit since we met the last time. Let's talk about where we are right now."
She glanced quickly at Deacon, then focused back on the therapist. "I should tell you that after our last meeting, we met privately to try to sort out some things. I knew Deacon was feeling frustrated and I think I really was too, like we were talking to each other but not really understanding each other." She spread out her hands. "It didn't really feel like we were on the same page. So I had cancelled our last appointment because it just felt like it would be unproductive."
"What were the issues the two of you discussed?"
"Trust. What that looked like. Getting past what had separated us to start with." She glanced at Deacon again. "Deacon really pushed me to tell him what I needed. And he was pretty honest about where he was." She took a deep breath and let it out. "We decided we want to try again with our relationship, but we know we still have a lot to work through. We'd still like to meet with you while we do that."
If Dr. Jensen was surprised at that, he covered it well. "Okay. We can do that." He looked at Deacon. "Deacon, do you see things the same way Rayna does?"
"I guess. I wasn't sure we still needed to do this, but Rayna seems to think it will help, so I'm okay with that."
Dr. Jensen raised an eyebrow. "I feel like what I'm hearing is that you're doing this for Rayna, not necessarily because you think it's the right thing to do."
She looked sharply at Deacon. She thought he was on board with this, so she was taken aback. "I thought we were on the same page with this," she said. "You agreed with me that this was the right thing to do."
He looked at her with that same flash of irritation he'd given her when she'd mentioned it the day they were leaving to go to the cabin for Thanksgiving. "It seemed like you'd already decided this is what we were gonna do," he said. "I just didn't want to argue with you. The exact thing I said when you brought it up."
She couldn't believe they were back to this. "So what you're really saying is that you don't want to do this?" she asked.
"Maybe I don't."
She sighed with frustration. "Why not? Are you afraid of doing the work?"
He frowned. "It ain't that, Rayna. I don't know why you gotta go there. It's not always being afraid of anything." he sighed. "Maybe I just don't wanna do it."
"Why?"
He took a second. "Because it doesn't feel good. It's like we're never gonna resolve nothing. I told you that."
She not only felt frustrated, but she felt confused. "I just don't understand, Deacon. You knew we still had things to work through. And how important it is for us to do that."
He sat forward. "Yeah, you told me that. And I said I thought we could just talk about these things ourselves, but you didn't want to do that. So I agreed to come, since that's what we were gonna do anyway." He turned and looked at Dr. Jensen. "I'm sorry. I do appreciate what you've tried to help us with, but I just don't want to keep going around the same stuff." He gestured towards her. "I have disappointed her over and over and over again and I get it and I own it, but I'd just really like to feel like we can move on and start over. Is there really value in rehashing the same stuff again and again?"
Dr. Jensen looked thoughtful. "There is value in figuring out patterns of behaviors and understanding why those patterns keep recurring. Then the next step is how to break the patterns. That was originally what we were working on and even with the change in the relationship, it's valuable work." He looked over at her, then back to Deacon. "But it isn't going to work if you both aren't committed to it."
He breathed out. "I guess I'm not ready to jump back in just yet." He looked at her, then back at Dr. Jensen. "I'm sorry."
She just watched as he got up and walked out, feeling like she'd been kicked in the gut. Then she looked at Dr. Jensen. "I don't know what to think about that," she said, trying to make sense of what just happened.
Dr. Jensen smiled compassionately. "I'd give him a little time. My guess is he'll come around, but maybe this was too soon."
She tried to smile. "Maybe." All she knew was that he'd walked out and she wasn't sure if it was for good or just for now.
Deacon
He shouldn't have walked out. He knew he shouldn't have walked out. But he didn't know what else to do. And the whole thing had scared him just a little. It had reminded him of all those years when she was making decisions for them and how it had all blown up around them. He didn't want that this time. He didn't want to feel the way he'd felt before.
The next day when he heard the knocking on his door, he knew it was Rayna. They hadn't spoken or communicated after he'd left the therapy session, so he had fully expected to hear from her that day. He got up from the dining table where he'd been reading the paper and opened the door. She stood there looking agitated. "Can I come in?" she asked. He stepped back to let her in. He closed the door and turned to face her. "What happened yesterday? What was that all about?"
He put a hand in his back pocket and sighed. "I told you. I don't wanna jump right back into this therapy stuff."
She frowned. "But you said we should do it. That you'd go. That's the part I don't understand."
"No, you told me we needed to do it and then you told me that you'd scheduled an appointment."
"But you never said you didn't want to, Deacon, that's the thing. You know, I thought we wanted to try and put our lives back together but I'm not sure we can do it without some help. And now you're saying you don't want to."
He shook his head. "Rayna, we hadn't seen Dr. Jensen in weeks and then all of a sudden we need to go back now. But the thing is I knew there wasn't a point in saying no or not right now because in the end we'd do what you wanted. That's the way it's always been. I just didn't want to have the same arguments we had before. So I said okay."
"Deacon, I don't think we can do this on our own. If we go then yeah, I think maybe we will have some of the same concerns we had before. But Dr. Jensen can help us figure out how to navigate them. This is important for us." She made a face. "So what do we do now?"
He threw his hands in the air. "I guess we do it your way. Go back to Dr. Jensen."
She shook her head. "I don't understand what you're talking about. This isn't about doing it my way."
"Isn't it though? I mean, we just got back together and we ain't even had time to breathe, don't seem like, and we're jumping back into this."
She shook her head. "I don't want to fight about this. We both need to want to do this. I sure can't do it by myself. I just wish I understood why you don't want to do this with me."
He breathed out in a huff. "It's painful, Rayna. I gotta listen to you talk again and again about all my faults and all my mistakes and yeah, I know I got a bunch. It's on me, I know. But it just feels like we're back to where we started, with you deciding how this is gonna go."
She sighed angrily. "That's ridiculous."
"Rayna, if we're gonna get through this, we gotta listen to each other. Isn't that what Dr. Jensen said? I feel like I'm having to do all the listening."
She had her hands clasped in front of her, twisting them over and over. She was bristling with anger. Her face was drawn and he could feel her annoyance. She finally shook her head. "I can't do this," she said, then brushed past him and, pulling the door open, stormed out of the house. He watched as she marched down the steps and then out to the street. He shut the door, wondering what was left.
Rayna
She got in her car and drove down the street. She had to slam on the brakes when she got to a stop sign, which made her realize she was driving too fast. She sighed and then put her head down on the steering wheel. She didn't understand why Deacon had to be so stubborn about this. If we don't do this, I'm afraid we won't make it. She felt tears in her eyes and she sat back, breathing in deeply, trying to keep from letting the tears fall. Crying wasn't going to solve anything.
She looked at the clock on her dashboard and realized she was late for her writing session with Sadie. She didn't know why she'd thought it would be a good idea to stop by Deacon's first, considering how frustrating that had been. She wasn't at all sure she was in a good frame of mind to write, but she thought if she cancelled and went home, she'd just stew in her frustration, so she turned and made her way back over towards Sadie's house.
She thought maybe it had been a mistake after all to try to do this writing appointment. She couldn't get her mind into the game because of the irritation she felt towards Deacon. Which wasn't fair to Sadie. They had been at it for over an hour and had nothing to show for it. Not that Sadie hadn't tried, but she knew she was the one making things difficult.
"How about some tea?" She looked at Sadie, who was looking at her with concern on her face. She smiled tentatively. "You look like you could use some tea."
She dropped her pencil on her notebook and sat back. "I think you're right. Tea sounds nice." She followed Sadie into her kitchen and watched as the younger woman got water heating and put out cups and spoons and dropped tea bags into the cups. When the water was hot, she poured it into both cups and they waited while it steeped. "I'm sorry," she said finally. "I think I'm just not in a good frame of mind today."
"You do seem like something's on your mind. Is it anything you want to talk about?"
She thought about that for a second. "Oh, I don't know," she said, shaking her head and smiling just a little.
Sadie waved her hand in front of her face. "No problem. Why don't we just sit and talk about other stuff for a few minutes while we drink our tea."
She smiled. "That sounds great." They carried their tea into the living room and sat down on opposite ends of the couch. "So how are things going for you? Did you go anywhere for Thanksgiving?"
Sadie shook her head. "I stayed here. Got together with a couple of people I know and we went to a Chinese place on Thanksgiving. What about you?"
She took a sip of her tea. "Well, Deacon had the kids and I was supposed to go to my father's for Thanksgiving but..." She hesitated. "I ended up spending it at Deacon's cabin with him and the kids."
Sadie's eyes flew wide open and she gasped. "Oh my god, really? Does that mean you and Deacon are..."
She sighed. "I thought so. But now I'm not really sure about anything."
"Is that what's bothering you?"
She sat for a minute, wondering how much to say. But she really needed to talk to someone and she felt like she and Sadie were developing a good friendship, plus she was easy to talk to. "Yeah, I guess it is."
"Is it not what you want? Or not like you thought it would be?"
She set her cup down. "It's more that it's not going like I thought it would. We had agreed, after the tour, that we'd go to some counseling sessions to help us with co-parenting. Not that things were necessarily bad in that area, but you know, there's just a lot of... unresolved stuff between us. And talking through those things just sort of opened a door, I guess, and made us consider whether we could work things out together. For ourselves."
"So did things not go well?"
She shook her head. "Actually things were really pretty good at first. And we'd told the kids we wanted to see each other again and they were excited." She smiled and then let it fade away. "I thought the counseling sessions would still be good for us and so we had a session yesterday. But it didn't go the way I thought it would."
"What happened?"
"We had really just gotten started and it was pretty obvious Deacon didn't want to be there, even though he had agreed to go." She looked down at her hands. "He said it felt like I was the one who wanted to do it, that I was the one who made the decision and that he'd gone along because that's just what he thought he was supposed to do." She looked back at Sadie. "Then he got up and left. And it just felt so much like what happened to us when our marriage ended. He kept telling me I made all the decisions and that he felt like he had to go along. And he didn't want to talk about it." She clasped her hands together and squeezed them. "I just can't go through that again," she whispered. Sadie reached over and just covered her hands, a sympathetic look on her face. "I don't want him to feel that way. I want us to do this together. And want to do it together."
"I don't want to tell you what to do and I sure don't know all the dynamics of your relationship with him, but it does seem like you'd want to be on the same page. Would it help to talk to him again and decide together what the right next steps are?"
She nodded. "You're probably right. I was just so gung-ho on this and so sure this was the right thing to do. And I thought he was agreeing with me when I guess it really was just that he was going along with me."
"What are you going to do next?"
She sat there for a moment, breathing in, and then letting it out. "I hate to do this, but would it be okay if we cut this short so I can go talk to him? I feel like we weren't making much progress anyway, so maybe we could set up another time? And I promise I will be in a better frame of mind."
Sadie smiled sympathetically. "Of course. We'll work something out."
She stood up and Sadie stood with her. "Thank you for understanding," she said with an apologetic smile.
"It's okay. This is more important."
She felt better that she had talked to someone and grateful that Sadie was such a good listener. She got her jacket and pulled it on and picked up her purse, walking towards the door. Then she turned and hugged Sadie. "Thank you again for listening. I guess I really did need to talk about it." She let out a shaky laugh.
"I'll see you soon, Rayna," Sadie said, giving her a hopeful smile. "And good luck."
She nodded, then opened the door and headed for her car.
Deacon
When he opened the door, he wasn't expecting to see Rayna again. This time she didn't look upset or irritated, she looked almost contrite. "Hey," she said, a sad smile playing around her lips.
"Hey."
"You have a minute?" He looked at her a little warily. She held up her hands and laughed softly. "I just want to talk. Not argue."
He stepped back. "Come on in." She walked in and looked around.
"Can we sit?"
He nodded. "Sure." He walked over to the couch and she followed. He sat in one corner and she sat in about the middle of the couch. He waited.
She put her hands in her lap. "So, nothing right now is more important than what we're trying to build together. Or rebuild. And yes, we've had quite a history between us. Some of it's been sad and painful, but a lot of it has been beautiful. That's the part I really want to protect. What I wanted to do was make sure we didn't leave any stone unturned to make sure we could build on everything that was amazing about our relationship. What I didn't want was for you to feel like you had to shoulder the whole burden. I guess in my head I thought 'let's get this all wrapped up so we can move on' and didn't think about how it might feel to you. And I guess I've done some of that before and I see now that maybe we need to balance it out by building on the good stuff." She lifted her shoulders, then sighed. "I want to do this with you. I want to understand what you need from me. I'm sorry that I've made you feel like all I want to do is rehash what went wrong." She gave him a sad smile. "I'm disappointed in myself for doing that. What I want is for us to get stronger, together."
He saw dampness in her eyes. He slid towards her and kissed her softly. "That's what I want too. It's true that there's been pain – a lot of it – and it's been messy sometimes, but I know it's valuable to figure out why it happened and how to not do it again. But I do want to do it together and I do want to talk about the good stuff" – he smiled – "and how do we keep doing that."
She nodded. "I'm sorry I pushed to go back to Dr. Jensen right away."
"You weren't wrong about us doing that, but I wanted to take a minute to just let things breathe. We can still go back when we're both ready."
"You're right. And I promise that when we do, we'll talk about how to be stronger together, not just revisit what's past. You were right when you said there wasn't anything we can do about what's past, it's done. What we can do is use it to build our future."
He smiled. "I like that." He sat back. "I wrote something recently that was kinda about that, about the journey. Can I sing it for you?"
"I'd love to hear it."
He got up and grabbed a guitar, then sat back down. He started to play, then looked at Rayna. Put a thousand miles on these shoes. Was I born to win or born to lose? When the sky fades to black, pedal down and don't look back, pedal down and don't look back...
Rayna
She felt good about the decision to wait for a bit before returning to see Dr. Jensen. She thought that after the holidays would be a good time to revisit it, to start the new year out right. She didn't think they should postpone it much beyond that or it would be too easy to just drop it. When she mentioned it to Deacon, he was agreeable to that, and it relieved her. This was something she felt strongly about, for the both of them. If they were going to put their lives back together, it was important to do it right.
She still wanted to take things slowly, so her plan was for them to continue with the joint custody arrangement they had with Maddie and Levi. She knew he wasn't thrilled with that, but she wasn't sure that they should move back in together right away. He came over every day, though, so they were spending a lot of time together as a family. She had made arrangements for them to go to one of the annual Christmas lights events on a Saturday in mid-December. Christmas was her favorite time of the year and she always tried to make it special for the kids. They would go skating at the Opryland Resort and she and Maddie would go to a matinee presentation of the Nutcracker. Plus there was visiting Santa and all the shopping and special treats. She wanted them to do all of it together that year. The last time they'd spent Christmas with Maddie was when she was 3 and they had never done Christmas together with Levi.
They were wrapped up in each other's arms in her bed, after having taken the kids to school. She tapped her fingers on his chest absentmindedly. "So, I was thinking about Christmas," she said.
"What were you thinking?"
She looked up at him. "Well, I was hoping we could just do all of it together this year. So we'd plan out taking them to see Santa and all those things. How does that sound?"
He smiled. "That sounds great. You got a plan?"
She smiled back. "Yes, I do actually." She propped herself up on her arm. "I made a reservation to go the Christmas light thing out in Wilson County next Saturday night. They have a Santa's Village set up with treats and a petting zoo and that kind of thing. They have a Santa there or we could take them to a mall Santa later. Or both." She bit her bottom lip. "I know that would be when they were with you, but I'd still like for us to go together."
He ran his fingers through her hair. "So could you maybe spend the night that night? 'Cause that's a long way back."
"I probably could. And then bring the kids home the next day. Oh, and then I always take the kids skating at the Opryland Resort and Maddie and I have tickets to the Nutcracker the Sunday before Christmas. You and Levi could do something, just you boys" – she smiled – "while Maddie and I are there. And then we always do some baking before the end of school for the holidays so they can take that to their teachers.
He chuckled. "Sounds like you got quite a list of things to do."
"We love Christmas. Plus there's decorating the tree. I actually have someone coming to decorate the outside on Monday. And the garland and everything else inside the house."
He ran his hand over her hair. "Christmas with you was always special," he said, quietly. A little wistfully, she thought.
"I want you to do it with us," she said. She suddenly realized she was giving him her list of things to do, which could have been different from his. "I want us to plan it together, babe. If there's something you think we should do, I want to include it. It doesn't all have to be my plan."
He smiled in a way that let her know he appreciated what she'd said. "I would really like to plan it together." He breathed in. "What were you planning for actual Christmas?" It would be her year to have them.
"Well, we normally watch Christmas movies on Christmas Eve and then go to Daddy's for lunch on Christmas Day after they open presents."
He was quiet for a moment. "How about Christmas at the cabin?" he asked.
She smiled. "I would love that. Maybe we could make that our new tradition."
He nodded. "Sounds good to me." He smiled. "And we can still watch Christmas movies the night before." Then he leaned in and kissed her, gently at first and then more fervently. Finally he rolled her onto her back and he moved on top of her. When he touched her, she knew he could tell that she was ready and he entered her swiftly, causing her to moan softly.
Deacon
They were sitting at the kitchen island at her house, listing all the things they wanted to do during the lead up to Christmas. When the list was complete, they both sat and just looked at it for a moment. "That's a lot," he said, clearing his throat.
"Yeah, it is." She looked over the list again. "Do we need to cut back? I sort of hate to cut out too much, because they both love Christmas and I love Christmas and I love doing all of this with them. But seeing it all written down like this makes it seem like there's no time to just, I don't know, be a family."
He studied the list. "What are the things we have to do? I mean, the things that are already set up."
"Well, the Christmas lights drive thru. We've done it every year and it's just sort of made for kids. And I already have tickets for the Nutcracker for Maddie and Tandy and me. We always go to lunch beforehand at the Hermitage and then go across the street for the ballet." She paused. "I guess everything else is unscheduled."
He pointed at the list. "Why couldn't we bake cookies the day we decorate your tree? That way they're done and we have a family afternoon. You, me, and the kids. We could get take out for dinner or maybe go out somewhere and then drive around and look at neighborhood lights. I usually do that with Maddie and Levi and they really enjoy it."
She smiled and laid one hand on his arm. "I love that, babe. Maybe when we get home we could make hot chocolate or something. Why don't we do that tomorrow?"
"Sounds good to me."
"You know what else I think would be good?"
"What's that?"
"I'm kind of thinking maybe each of us could take them out ourselves, like a Dad and the kids thing or Mom and the kids thing. Do Christmas shopping or a movie. Or something else."
He nodded. "Sure, we could do that." He hesitated for a moment. "You still want to go to the cabin for Christmas?"
She looked surprised. "Of course. Can I tell you one thing though?" He nodded. "I really do hope it doesn't snow this year."
He laughed. "It probably won't. But it sure was pretty, wasn't it?"
She nodded, a soft smile on her face. "It was. I just wish I had enjoyed it more."
He shook his head. "Don't matter. We were in different places then." He smiled at her then, taking her hand. "Everything's different this year and we can enjoy it together. And no one leaves."
She gently bit her bottom lip, then smiled again. "No one leaves," she said softly.
The plan that day was to go to a nearby Christmas tree lot to pick out the perfect tree. As he was driving over to pick Rayna and the kids up, he thought about the fact that it had been less than a week since the aborted appointment with Dr. Jensen and the decision to take some time before going back. Rayna hadn't brought it up again, and he appreciated that she had listened to him and heard his concerns. Every single day he spent with her made him realize what a gift he'd received and he reminded himself he'd vowed to do whatever it took to keep her in his life.
He was looking forward to the afternoon plans. Once they picked out the tree and then decorated it, the plan was to bake cookies and other Christmas treats. They would also ride around the neighborhoods to check out the lights. The only downside to the day was that before looking at the lights, they were stopping at Lamar's house for dinner. Rayna had told him her father wasn't happy she and the kids were going to the cabin, especially since it was 'her year' to have them. Maddie and Levi loved their Paw Paw though, so he would have to grin and bear it.
It was a cold day. Sunny, but still cold and breezy. Perfect Christmas tree weather, he supposed. Mostly though he was happy to be spending the day with the people he loved most in the world. He pulled into Rayna's driveway and got out of his truck, jogging up to the back door and letting himself in. The warm air hit him immediately, as did his son, who hopped down off a stool at the island and ran over to him.
"Dad! Dad!" he shouted. "We're gonna get a Christmas tree today!" Levi threw his arms around him, as though he hadn't seen him in ages instead of just the day before.
He ruffled Levi's hair and grinned at his son. "That's why I'm here," he said. He looked up and saw Rayna standing at the kitchen counter. She smiled. He looked back at Levi. "You ready?"
"Yes!"
Rayna walked around the counter towards him. "Levi, how about going upstairs and letting your sister know your dad's here."
"Okay!" Levi ran towards the stairs as she approached him and putting her palms against his chest, leaned in for a kiss.
"He's wired today," she said with a laugh.
He kissed her again. "I can see that. How much sugar did you give him?"
She gave him a playful swat. "It's Christmas. That's what that is." She smiled up at him and he could see the happiness in her eyes. He took a deep breath, thinking to himself that he was lucky to be doing this and that he would never take it for granted again. She looked puzzled. "Are you okay, babe?"
He put his arms around her and held her close. "I'm great," he whispered against her hair. "I'm the happiest guy you know." She slid her arms around him then and he felt her deep sigh. It sounded like a sigh of contentment though and he held her even closer. The sound of footsteps coming down the stairs and then the hallway caused them to step back from each other.
"Dad," Maddie cried as she ran over and hugged him.
"Hey there, sweet girl." He looked around and smiled. "Everyone get a coat or jacket on. It's pretty chilly out there." Within a few minutes they were out the door and on their way to the Christmas tree lot.
It had been a busy but fun day for everyone. The tree they bought was beautiful. Rayna and the kids all said it was the best one they'd ever gotten. Rayna had already pulled out all her ornaments and lights, so as soon as the tree was set up they were ready to decorate. He had run the lights all around the tree and then they had all participated in decorating. There was a little bit of squabbling between Maddie and Levi over particular ornament placement, but things were smoothed over quickly, and at the end the tree looked spectacular. Rayna had put some apple cider on the stove to simmer while they decorated, and the cinnamon-y smell had added a sense of Christmas cheer. After making cookies they sat in the den admiring the tree, eating cookies and drinking hot apple cider. It had been the perfect day.
Unfortunately, perfect days don't always end perfectly, and it was time for them to drive over to Lamar's for dinner. "So, you think he's gonna be satisfied with this for the holidays?" he asked Rayna.
She gave him a sympathetic smile and shook her head. "Oh, no, babe. This will just be the beginning."
He groaned. "Can I skip out on the rest?"
She laughed. "If I have to suffer, you're going to suffer with me." She bumped his shoulder with hers. "Come on, let's go get it over with."
He had always tried his best to limit how often he had to spend time with Lamar Wyatt. When he was still drinking, there were always times when he was too hungover to go to one of Lamar's command performances. He felt bad that Rayna had to go alone – she didn't want to spend time at her father's any more than he did – but he would be grateful all the same, no matter why he was left behind. Rayna's father had never liked him. Not because he'd taken the time to get to know him, but simply because, in his mind, Rayna's boyfriend had encouraged her to disobey her father and then led her down the wrong path. His drinking only increased Lamar's disregard and he had no problem trying to bait him into arguing or even drinking too much. Although Rayna would often chastise him for allowing Lamar's bad behavior to get to him, to her credit she always supported him to her father. He was sure that the events of the 6 years they'd been apart had only solidified Lamar's distaste and disregard for him and he was not looking forward to an evening at the Belle Meade mansion.
When they drove up to the house, he got the same anxiety he always did. His stomach was churning and it was hard to draw a breath. They parked in the circular drive in front of the house and got out of his truck. He walked as far as the front headlight and stopped. Maddie and Levi were hurrying up the steps and Rayna was following. Then she stopped and turned around. She frowned a little and then walked back.
"It's going to be okay, babe," she said. "Daddy can't do too much with Maddie and Levi watching." She linked her arm through his. "Plus, I'm here.
He looked at her and tried to smile. "This just ain't ever been a place where I feel welcome," he said.
"I know. But that's all on Daddy. He's never taken the time to know you."
"What about the last 6 years?"
She made a face, then shrugged. "Well, you and I have made peace with it. Our kids are happy we're together. He's probably never going to be okay with it, but that's on him."
He sighed. "I guess."
She tugged gently at his arm. "Come on, babe, let's get it over with."
He looked at her, breathing in deeply. "I wouldn't do this for nobody but you, Ray." It was true. And as he looked towards the front of the house, he saw Tandy standing at the door and he knew he would have to depend on Rayna to get through it.
He had felt more like an observer than a participant that evening. Lamar focused a lot of attention on Maddie and Levi and made quite a deal out of lighting the Christmas tree in his formal living room, one which was probably brought in fully decorated. There were quite a few presents underneath it, which he had announced were all for his grandchildren. Following dinner, Lamar had invited the kids back to the living room and allowed them to pick out 1 gift apiece to open.
As Maddie and Levi tore into their gifts, he watched Lamar. He had rarely seen Lamar Wyatt wearing anything but a suit and tie or, at the very least, a dress shirt and pants with a tie. But that night he put on the air of an indulgent grandfather, dressed more casually in a checked shirt unbuttoned at the neck and a heavy sweater with his dress pants. As he watched his grandchildren with their gifts – books for Maddie and a small Lego set for Levi – he could actually see Lamar's grandfatherly focus. He seemed genuinely happy to be with his grandchildren and certainly played the part of a loving grandfather. Of course, all of that, the facial expressions, the softened voice, the smiles, were all for the kids. Rayna had a longstanding disdain for her father and that had not changed in all the years since he'd told her to leave his house when she was 16.
He looked over at Maddie and Levi, but Maddie especially. She was 9, soon to be 10, and while she was definitely going through her sometimes challenging pre-teen phase, he couldn't imagine anything that would make him put her out on the street at the age of 16. Rayna was tough and strong-willed, even back then, and although she still had felt anxious about being on her own at such a young age, she had actually seen it as her ticket to freedom. He didn't want to think that he or Rayna would not support Maddie's dreams and the idea of telling her to leave home made him sick to his stomach. It made him angry to watch Lamar playing the part of adoring grandfather, knowing what he'd done to his grandchildren's mother. He surreptitiously reached for Rayna's hand and gave it a quick squeeze. She turned and looked at him with a question in her eyes and he just smiled.
When it was time to leave he felt relieved that Lamar – and Tandy, for that matter – had directed little conversation towards him and mostly left him alone. He knew without a doubt that neither Rayna's father or sister would openly bait him in front of the kids but of course it didn't stop Lamar from dropping a quiet comment as they were leaving. The kids were walking out onto the porch, Rayna close behind them, when Lamar took a step towards him, a smile on his face that belied the dislike in his eyes. "I may not have much influence when it comes to my daughter's bad decisions with regard to you but be warned that if you cause unhappiness in any way to little Maddie and Levi, I will not let you anywhere near them ever again."
He looked at Lamar and saw the insincere smile fade to a steely hardness. He breathed in. "I wouldn't have expected anything less, Lamar," he said, putting on his own insincere smile. "Have a merry Christmas." He walked through the door and down the steps, watching as Rayna got the kids into the truck. He was practically shaking with anger and would have loved to punch Lamar in the face, but he knew it was more important that he hold onto his composure. When he got in the truck, he let his breath out in a whoosh. Rayna looked over at him.
"Everything okay?" she asked, looking concerned.
"Just Lamar being Lamar," he said. He reached for her hand again and squeezed it, giving her what he hoped was a reassuring smile. "It's all good."
Rayna
"I'm sorry you're upset, Daddy, but it's my decision," she said. Of course Tandy had told him about Deacon and of course he was angry. Lamar Wyatt had never liked Deacon. In the beginning it was all about the fact that he was not good enough for her, not worthy of her. Then it was the influence he perceived Deacon to have over her choices when it came to her career. Then it was his drinking, and all those times in rehab, and now it was their long separation.
Lamar shook his head, a look of disbelief on his face. "I can't believe you'd do this to yourself again, Rayna, although I also can't say I'm surprised that you would. But to do this to your children?"
"He's their father," she cried. "And he's a good father. A loving father."
"What happens when he decides he wants out again? Or he starts drinking again?"
"Why would you think he'd do either of those things? And it really doesn't matter what you think anyway. I know him and I know the kind of man he is and I know he wants to rebuild this life with me and our children. You don't know him at all, Daddy. You never did." She couldn't believe the audacity of his pretense at caring about her at all. He'd pretty much given that up when he'd kicked her out of the house at 16.
"I know he ripped your life apart. He made your life miserable and he abandoned you and your children. I can't imagine what they will think when they're old enough to understand all of that." She could feel the rage rising up in her throat. His face was hard and cold making her wonder if he had ever cared about her.
"Why would they need to know that, Daddy? They know we love them and they're happy we're together again. Why you would want to poison that is beyond me. Although considering the way you treated me, maybe it shouldn't be." She pointed at him. "You can be sure we'll limit our time around you. You'd do well to keep your opinions and hateful comments to yourself around our children or that time will be zero." She walked around to the foyer, grabbed her purse, and left her father's house, slamming the door behind her.
Lamar had been on reasonably good behavior that night. She could see the disdain on his face anytime he looked Deacon's way, but he didn't engage Deacon at all. Thankfully Maddie and Levi were too young to pick up on the fact that their grandfather ignored their father or the way he looked at him. But it was better than the alternative. She remembered so many times how her father had baited Deacon, especially when he was still drinking. The fights were horrible and usually led to them leaving. Of course she was not happy with him taking the bait, so they had their own fights about it afterwards. But she saw her father say something to him as they were leaving. She had turned briefly to see if he was behind her and could see Lamar was saying something. And now Deacon seemed tense, not surprisingly. She reached across the console and put her hand on his arm. He glanced at her.
"What did he say?" she asked, keeping her voice low.
"It ain't important," he replied.
"Don't let him get to you. It's not worth it."
He nodded. "I know."
They didn't talk about it again, but when he left that night, she slid her arms around his waist. "Thank you for going tonight," she said. "I know you didn't want to. I didn't want to. But our children love their grandfather and I think we're going to have to figure out how to co-exist with that."
He looked at her for a moment, then leaned in for a kiss. "We'll figure it out." He pushed her hair back off her shoulder. "Together." He kissed her again.
"Yes, we will." She looked into his eyes. "I love you, Deacon."
He smiled. "I know. I love you too." He turned and walked down the back steps to his truck. She stood and watched as he backed out and then was out of her sight.