Author's Note: This is very crackish. I was kinda mad about the Whitney episode. And there's mild Sartcedes action in this. -DMH

"You ain't got no Yeezy? Smells like there's some fuckery afoot. I'll fix it." Artie rolled away from Rachel and her stereo with his head held high, basking in the knowledge that his woman would have something decent on her iPod. He found her sitting alone in a corner, curled up in a large chair, giggling madly –drunkenly – at the phone in her hands. "Mercedes! Whatchu doin' girl?"

Her head lifted, shifting the curls that framed her face attractively as she smiled at him. "Hey Artie! Look at what Sam sent me." She flung her phone in his face and he had to arch back to get a proper look at the screen.

Oh hell to the no. "He's sexting you?"

She snorted into her red cup. "No! That's a picture of him from swim practice! Look at how little his Speedo is!"

"It only looks little because what's in it is so big!" Artie jumped at the voice. He hadn't even realized Tina was behind him, looking over his shoulder. He side-eyed her drunk ass. "It's like an optical illusion."

"A penile optical illusion!" Mercedes cackled and suddenly Tina rounded his chair and collapsed on top of her laughing friend.

"Where is Sam anyway?"

"He said he was heading over after his late practice."

"Karaoke!" Rachel shouted out of nowhere and, over all the groans, Santana's voice rang loud and true, "Who invited Smeagol?"

"Begone Satan! This is Rachel's house. Quit being rude!" Mercedes told her, but the cheerleader only shrugged and cuddled into Brittany's side. Helpfully, Brittany added, "Smeagols don't really sleep on top of their doghouses like in Charlie Brown, you know. That's a cartoon."

Rachel attempted to tap her cup with a pen to get everyone's attention, but soon discovered that Solo cups don't make too much noise, so she shouted for every to look at her. "Alright!" She gave a bright smile once everyone was rolling their eyes in her direction. "I'll start off the singing with my rendition of Whitney's rendition of the Star Spangled Banner."

"Oh heels to the nose!" Mercedes cried out, tossing Tina off of her lap and strolling to the stage in the center of the room. "Give me that mic, Berry!"

"What are you doing?" the affronted girl gasped after the microphone was snatched from her.

"Correcting some wrongs," the Diva told her as she fiddled with the Karaoke machine. "Where do I start… Here we go!"

The opening notes of "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" filled the air and, immediately, Artie tossed his hands up. "Oop."

The rest of the Glee club watched and listened as Mercedes began to belt out the dance hit. Flawlessly. Santana's mouth dropped open so she could shout something in outrage, but she felt Brittany shrug next to her. "I ain't even mad."

And no one could be mad. Because Mercedes was genuinely correcting wrongs.

"Messy as hell," Artie said when she sang "Saving All My Love" to Quinn. Quinn just smiled.

"Shade," Artie said when she sang "So Emotional" to Rachel. Rachel looked confused, but Santana stood and clapped.

"Rude as shit," Artie said when she sang "It's Not Right, But It's Okay" to Blaine while Blaine took video on his iPhone.

"Dayum," Artie said when she sang "I Have Nothing" to Kurt, but Kurt just nodded and wiped the fresh tears from his cheeks. As the last notes of the song faded, loud footsteps were heard clambering down the stairs.

"What I miss?" Sam asked and several pairs of red, misty eyes turned in his direction. The blond's face fell as he took in the expressions of all the drunk people. "Did someone die?"

Without missing a beat, Mercedes began to sing again and every head turned back towards the stage.

Sam frowned at first at everyone's strange behavior, but then he glanced up at his girl singing on stage and he saw that she was looking at him, her gaze piercing and white hot. He clutched his chest and watched.

"Now that you're here," she sang, swaying slowly. "Like you've been before and you know just what I need. It took some time for me to see. That you give good love to me – Baby!"

Sam's face scrunched up with feeling as he nodded. "I do give good love."

As the song went on, Sam found himself getting closer and closer to the stage, until he was on the stage and Mercedes was in his arms crooning, "Now I – I can't stop looking around. It's not, what this loves all about! Our love is here to stay – to stay! Baby, you give good love!"

And everyone applauded when Sam knocked the microphone out of Mercedes' hand and pulled her into a kiss.

Except Artie.

Because Artie was not here for that.

An hour later, after they retired the Karaoke machine because no one wanted to get on it after Mercedes' concert, Puck suggested a game of spin the bottle. "Here are the rules. No rules. Kiss whoever the bottle lands on."

"But what if it lands on Dolly Parton here?" Santana asked, patting a scowling Finn on the arm.

"Yeah, I'm not up for making out with any dudes tonight," Mike said. "No offense. You guys are great, but no."

"Fine, guys don't kiss guys."

"But girls have to kiss girls. Y'all are not slick," Mercedes said. "It has to be even footing for everyone!"

"I wanna kiss girls!" Santana blurted and Brittany planted one on her cheek before blowing a kiss in a confused Joe's direction. "We gotta change the rules back to no rules."

"Fine! If you don't want to kiss the person the bottle lands on, you have to… do a body shot off… the…" Puck frowned and grabbed his head. "I don't want to think anymore."

"The person that the bottle lands on gets to pick who you take a body shot off of and kiss. No complaints," Quinn finished and Puck smiled at her gratefully.

Artie waited for his chance. He waited and waited patiently. Until… "Yo Art, you're up!"

Artie leaned forward from his throne of strategically placed pillows and spun the bottle. It landed on Mike.

"Nope."

"So who am I kissing?" Artie asked softly. All the while he was forcibly telling Mike to say "Mercedes" with the power of his mind.

Mike shrugged and turned to Tina. "You pick."

"Samcedes!" she giggled against Mike's side.

"Yay – Wait. What?" Artie shook his head. "You gotta pick one person!"

"I did! Samcedes!" Tina's drunk ass giggled.

"No complaints, man!" Puck barked. "Pick one to body shot off of and the other to kiss."

"I'm not sure I like the idea of either of the possible combinations," Sam interjected and Mercedes patted him reassuringly on the knee.

"He'll just lick you. That's all," she told her boyfriend and before he could open his mouth to complain she yelled, "Now take your shirt off! Woo!"

All the other girls joined in the Woos! as Sam peeled his t-shirt off and laid in the middle of the circle. It was strange lying in the middle of a brightly lit room with so many pairs of eyes on him. "I feel like a virgin sacrifice."

Mercedes snorted. "Virgin! Ha! Get the salt!"

"You are way too excited about this," Sam said to her as Santana poured salt into his bellybutton. Puck handed Artie the lime, Finn gave him the tequila, Sam was staring up at him in horror and Mercedes was… licking her lips.

Hell yeah.

Keeping his eyes on the chocolate-coated, leopard print-skirted prize, Artie bent forward and licked the salt out of Sam's bellybutton.

"Oh God," the blond moaned as his stomach twitched.

"Oh Gawd!" Mercedes and Santana moaned after seeing Sam's stomach twitch. "Just wanky, Sam!"

Artie quickly tipped back the shot and had barely sucked any juice out of the lime before Mercedes was yanking it out of his mouth and making all his dreams and wishes come true.

"Just… wanky!" Santana shouted as Mercedes tongued Artie down.

"Praise!" said Quinn.

"I don't know how to feel right now," Sam stated as he twisted his head to get a better look at the kiss. "Mercedes? Are you doing that tongue thing? Stop doing that tongue thing! That's the tongue thing I like!"