"You sure about that, KFS?"
Sam gritted his teeth and dropped his hand from the black box with the gold letters. How Puck snuck up on him, he didn't know. How Finn snuck up on him, he really didn't know. How he was going to kill the two of them, he was coming to know – Finn would go first and Puck would watch.
"Don't call me that," he sighed as he turned his back to the shelf of condoms and glared at his two supposed friends. Puck just smirked while Finn glanced around nervously. "What the hell are you two doing in here, anyway?"
A pair of shiny new fake IDs were thrust in his face. "Really? Buying beer at CVS?"
"Look man, my mother's friend Ice owns the place I usually go to and ever since he's been in AA, he recognizes me whenever I try to buy something," admitted Puck as he scratched at the tail of his Mohawk. Sam's eyes travelled over to Finn, who suddenly became very interested in Her Pleasure.
"Whatever, man," the blond sighed, turning back to the shelf and snatching a box of Magnums. "See ya."
As he could have predicted, a hand clamped on his shoulder and yanked him back before he could make his quick getaway.
"Once again, buddy," Puck chuckled as he paced around Sam. "You sure about that? Sure, Mama's got a lotta dangerous curves, but are you sure you can handle all that? How you gonna burn rubber if the rubber keeps slipping off?"
Outrage colored Sam's cheeks and burned to the tips of his ears at Puck's words and Finn's responding snort from behind him. "I don't want you to stay up all night worrying about my dick, Puck, so I assure you, it'll fit. No problem."
"Are you sure?" Finn asked in a controlled whisper, as if they weren't the only people in the store. "I mean, the first time I was with Santana –"
"No! Shut up!" the other two shouted, causing a woman who suddenly appeared at the end of the aisle to jump and scramble away from the trio.
"Look, I'll be okay."
"I'm just saying, sometimes you don't have to go that big," Finn hastily explained. "Coach Beiste was talking to a few of the freshmen on the team last week about sex-ed and junk and she –"
"She stuck her entire arm in a love glove," Puck finished because Finn's face was starting to look like a tomato. "Point is, KFS, you'll be okay with the smaller size. Don't be disillusioned."
After processing the fact that Puck was both smart enough to use the word 'disillusioned' in a sentence and idiotic enough to force this conversation with him (simultaneously), Sam shook his head a final time and said, "I was 'disillusioned' about my size the first time I was up here buying condoms half an hour ago because when I got back to Mercedes' and tried to put that shit on, it ripped. And I ripped the next three, too." He shook the box in his shocked friends' faces with a crooked grin that was more like a baring of teeth and growled, "So I think I'm good with the Magnums. Goodnight."
With a crotch grab and a "deez nuts" shake at his classmates, he turned and walked to the front to make his purchase.