Hello and welcome to Garth Marenghi's Darkplace.

Don't get too comfortable, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

Some of you may have seen my television show, "Garth Marenghi's Darkplace." If you haven't, you can feel free to put this book down and run to your nearest reputable shop and purchase the show on DVD or Blu-ray. If you're older or crippled in some manner, perhaps you can have your grandson order it for you on-line. I suggest . They have a wonderful selection and shipping is free on qualifying orders over $25. You'll have to wait a few days for delivery but if you're homebound, you'll just have to make due. For those of you who are far too keen to read this book to put it down and run to the shop, don't worry. I have taken care to write this book so that it appeals to the avid fan or the newcomer about to become an avid fan. I've tried to write this story so even a simpleton can be terrified and entertained.*

It would be wonderful if we could go back in time and make another series of Darkplace. No doubt if the BBC had shown Darkplace in the 1980's there would have been series after series. The viewing public would have demanded more and more and more. Sadly the BBC lacked the vision and foresight to actually show Darkplace when it was created but rather waited a full two decades until they had run out of wacky sitcoms about old people having sex and were forced to bring Darkplace out of the vaults. In the eighties, the BBC opted to go with re-runs of "Who's the Boss?" rather than Darkplace. Who's the Boss, now, BBC? You might argue that you (the BBC) are the boss because you sign my paychecks. That is a legitimate argument. We'll have to agree to disagree. Regardless, now all the actors are either too old, too fat or too missing and presumed dead to revive their roles.

Fortunately for you and everyone like you, I have the gift of words and through my words I shall resurrect Darkplace and all of its beloved characters from the dead. Understand, this is only a metaphor. I cannot actually resurrect people from the dead, especially not ones who have been missing for years. I wish I could resurrect the dead. You know who I would bring back first? Sir William Shakespeare. I would love to bring the Bard back to life and show him my work so that he would know his legacy lived on. Of course, I'm not comparing myself to Shakespeare! I don't write girly love poems. Things are different now. Back then, men wore powdered wigs and hosiery. It's only natural that the Bard would be a bit of a poof.**

To be clear, I cannot bring the dead back to life in the real world but I can do so in the world of literature. Through my words, I will once again be 35, Todd Rivers will be handsome again and we'll know the whereabouts of Madeline Wool. She'll be right there in the text. Dean Learner will look just the same as he does now because as the saying goes, 'Black don't crack'. You might say that I am like a god when I write. Does it make me God that I can create life and worlds and crush them into dirt on a whim? I wouldn't say that I'm a god, but I could see why you might think that way.

Put some plastic on your couch, your mind is about to be blown and your house (or flat, there are different ways to live) will be splattered with your blood. Everywhere you look, you would see blood.

Blood.

Blood.

Or at least, you would do if your head hadn't just exploded.

From the heart with love,

Garth Marenghi

Publisher's notes from Dean Learner

*This is in no way an endorsement of terrifying the mentally infirm. This is simply a statement implying that if a simpleton should grab this book (perhaps it is left behind on a bus or checked out to a simpleton by an inattentive librarian), said simpleton will be able to grasp the text and intention of the following novel.

**This in no way implies that William Shakespeare or any of his contemporaries were gay only that their style of clothing would appear to be 'gay'*** by today's standards.

***This is in no way intended as a slur against homosexuals. Homosexuals are vibrant and important members of our society. I, myself, am a big fan of "Little Britain" and have always enjoyed Stephen Fry even more than Hugh Laurie. I still listen to "Wham!" I'm not caught up in sexual politics. For me it's all about the quality of the art, not the bedroom (or public washroom) antics**** of the artist.

****This in no way implies that gay sex is full of antics. It can be just as dull and mundane as heterosexual sex.