Until Then

by hye-kyo

Disclaimer: Standard disclaimers apply.

Author's Notes: So here's another installment. I would have wanted to upload this earlier but I'm thinking of doing the man-telling-story-about-lost-love first however I cannot seem to find anything to write about i. So I figured I should just write about the onsen episode right after the Shimabara arc. I also realized writing in this style is more tiring than I have expected, it requires a lot, though I'm liking how it is turning out, though of course I do not know if you are also liking it. Anyway, here's the next installment and I'm thinking that since I moved quite way ahead of the anime timeline, I should perhaps end this series with just one more, meaning this will have three shots instead of five as I have initially thought about.

Now on with the story!

Title: Knowing

Rating: K

When Ryuuzaburo-san confessed his love for her, the first thing that she worried about was how Kenshin would react. Of course, having someone else love her would mean there now existed a rival who could possibly snatch her away, and for Kenshin, at least Kaoru thought, that would mean he would have to do something more substantial to be able to keep her by his side. She wondered what Kenshin would do, given the possibility of her becoming someone else's and for a very brief time she felt exhilarated at being able to torment the usually naïve redhead with jealousy.

However, her joy at Ryuuzaburo-san's confession was short-lived for it seemed that Kenshin had never been affected since the beginning—from the moment he saw her naked form in the onsen to the time when Ryuuzaburo-san announced that he had fallen in love with her. At least, if Kenshin had not really felt anything for her he would have reacted to seeing her naked body for before anything else he is a male and all males are the same, or so she thought given the limited knowledge she had of males (her knowledge consisted of three idiotic males residing with her and occasional psychopaths that threatened to kill them and conquer Japan). So there were two things that she lamented when she recognized Kenshin's lack of response: first, was that he was never really in love with her, at least not at that moment, given all the skeletons in his closet, well, kaban since he does not have a closet, and second, was that he just did not find her physically attractive. Contrary to what most people would think, she was much more bothered by the second of her laments rather than by the first for the first she could fix if she makes herself more alluring enough, enough to make him forget his past and to see only her. However the second one was rather knotty because it undoubtedly means that the problem is her and her alone, he just did not find her attractive enough, and all kinds of attractions begin with physical ones, so she believed.

The problem was made much worse by Sano and Misao's intervention which she could not really fathom whether they did for her benefit or just so they would have something to wile the time away. Ryuuzaburo-san was simple-minded enough to believe the two and began a series of battles waged against Kenshin, battles which seemed he fought only with himself for each time he came out more bruised than before. In the end, what Ryuuzaburo-san got were some broken ribs and, he said, inspiration, a drive to create more meaningful art and an understanding of Kaoru's heart which Kaoru would have liked to know more about since she herself could not understand her own heart. In appreciation, Ryuuzaburo-san gave her a portrait of herself which he said captured her very essence, her very heart. She was moved by such action and for a time wished she had fallen in love with someone other than Kenshin, with someone who could show her the same kind of appreciation.

The feeling was still in her heart and mind as they began their journey back home and could not help but steal glances at the redhead looking like nothing of that sort happened.

"When can we look at the picture Jou-chan?" Sano slowed down and walked in step with her.

"When we get home," she answered, pointedly looking at the back of Kenshin's head.

"But I'm taking the route back to Kyoto very soon," it was Misao who blocked her view of the redhead and she stopped in her tracks, looked down at the portrait wrapped in paper. She was not particularly ready to see what Ryuuzaburo-san saw in her heart, for in the first place he titled the portrait Kaoru's Heart, and if she would remove the wrappings now and find Kenshin's portrait instead, she would die of embarrassment then and there.

"Yes Kaoru-dono, why don't you show it to us," Kenshin had apparently joined in.

Kaoru, it seemed, had no choice but to give in, she was so tempted to run away, and before actually realizing what she was doing, she had given Kenshin the portrait and had asked him to open it for her.

There were at least some five minutes of silence as the wrappings came undone and a couple of minutes more as each member of the group absorbed each detail, each splash of color, each stroke of line on the painting before a sound resembling a snort was released, and was followed by unending guffaws and squeals. She was dumbfounded until Kenshin had the politeness to step back from the huddled group, immediately washing his hands clean, and began walking away. Kaoru saw the rurouni smile on his lips until, she was not so sure if she had really seen it, it faded into an annoyed look as he turned his back from the group. She had to blink to make sure she was not dreaming for Kenshin never looked like that in front of her, or even behind her back, she was that sure, for he was Kenshin and Kenshin was idiotic that way, lest he suddenly changed into Battousai, which she surmised would not happen since a portrait was not enough of a reason for a change in personality, wasn't it?

The rest of the group followed, the laughter never dying down as they all settled the portrait on Kaoru's arms, Yahiko's words brought the portrait back to her attention, "Looks like Busu!" and her eyebrows arched in confusion and she brought her eyes down to scan the portrait.

She was not able to express any sort of reaction the minute she saw the portrait, her feelings were more of the mixed variety, but it all suddenly dawned on her when a bitter taste rose in her throat and all at once she felt the need to hurt someone. Sano and Yahiko would do, she thought as she began to run after them, their laughter now dying in their throats as they realized their imminent deaths. Kaoru could not really question Ryuuzaburo-san's talent, she had seen it, everyone had seen it in the onsen, and even now, even with this mix and match of shapes and colors and combination of lines and curves that supposedly depict her, she could not question his talent. She was not really good in those kinds of arts so she was not really confident in her opinions regarding those sort of things but perhaps, even with her limited skills and knowledge in this area, she has the right to say something (because the subject was her to begin with).

She would like to think of herself as something more, as something more than the sum of hues and shades on the canvass, as something hard to fathom yet easy to appreciate and yes, yes she was vain like that, perhaps more beautiful and more human than the…well…person, if you could call it that, on the portrait. Yes she would like to believe she was less shallow and more complex of a person to be able to be captured in a collection of squares and rectangles on a piece of paper by someone. She thought perhaps if it looked more like her, at least physically, she would have internally complained less, yes, but well…this portrait might mean something, something Ryuuzaburo-san only understood, but she believes no one should and could understand her better than the person she loves and who loves her back equally right?

By the time the laughter died down she came to a conclusion that whatever was depicted in the portrait was not her, for she was more than that and Ryuuzaburo-san was not the person she loves and would love to love and he was not the person whom she would love to be understood and loved by. If there was that kind of person for her she would like it to be Kenshin and nobody else, except that he does not seem too keen and interested on even just understanding her, let alone loving her.

"""

They reached Kyoto some hours after and Kenshin immediately began preparing dinner even though she volunteered to do it for Sano and Yahiko begged and bribed her with sweets just so she would not cook. She retaliated with her usual angry words but nevertheless agreed, for Kenshin too seemed eager to not let her cook, and sat on the porch instead waiting for whatever Kenshin could throw for dinner, wishing that they were less like boys and more like men for sometimes, even if the things they do and say were jokes, they still hurt.

All of them were rather too tired to enjoy the dinner that much so that everything was eaten in haste, Yahiko and Sano fought for the last piece of edible something on the table and began piling the dishes and clearing the table. She permitted Sano to stay over for the night and prepared a spare futon for him in Yahiko's bedroom which, surprisingly, did not become a reason for a fight between the two boys probably because of too much tiredness, and very soon the dojo fell into a hushed silence as the two drifted off to sleep.

Kaoru's body felt heavy but her mind was wide awake so she decided to stay on the porch and watch the moon and the stars for a little while to calm her mind and allow her body to relax before deciding to turn in for the night. The portrait was safely back in its wrappings, she was still deciding whether she would hang it, for a work of art is still a work of art; Ryuuzaburo-san's talents were in that rectangular canvass and after all that Ryuuzaburo-san had done for her, is it not just right to hang the painting for everyone to see? He was the first one who had ever shown her appreciation for being a woman after all. And she would love to be appreciated as a woman, not as a trainer, not as a little sister, not as a landlady, but as a woman. It was of course too selfish of her to wish for something more from Kenshin, had he not been protecting them with his life? She was not that selfish, perhaps a little, yes, for she made Kenshin stay with her in the first place, what was it if not selfishness? But seeking more would be gluttony.

"Can't sleep?" She had not noticed Kenshin coming and she almost blushed at her own thoughts when she saw him, for she knew he could read ki but was not sure whether he could read minds, for if he could he would surely know that she had been thinking about him just now and in fact is thinking about him every breathing moment.

"Yes," Kaoru responded rather breathlessly. She cleared her throat and her mind and she scooted over to one side in case he would like to sit down but decided against inviting him vocally and looked at the stars and the moon instead.

"Could I join you?" her heart lurched forward and jumped towards the moon or so she felt when he invited himself and sat down beside her.

She looked at him tentatively and narrowed her eyes, she knew of course that he was not the type of person that would do something without any reason, "You don't have to wait for me you know, you can sleep now if you are tired. I will make sure everything's secure before I turn in for the night."

He did not say anything and just smiled and Kaoru was happy, at least initially, until she realized that he was sitting with her because he might be wanting to apologize for his earlier behavior, for again, Kenshin was not the type of person who would do something without a reason. Wanting to reward him for taking the initiative to apologize she decided she would be easy on him and open the topic herself, "You didn't have to laugh earlier you know."

"This unworthy one did not, that I didn't."

"But you made fun of me."

"I apologize if that came across as that."

"Then what was it supposed to have been?" Kaoru arched a brow, she knew Kenshin, though he was the silent type, was a rather smart talker, getting away with his self-pity excuses and even if he was not, she knew she would forgive him no matter what he says or does for he is special to her that way.

"It was not you who was in the portrait." Kenshin looked at her then, and there was something there, Kaoru was not sure, or perhaps it was just the full moon, playing with her eyes so that she began seeing things which did not really exist and hearing things which had never been really said, for there were words which were hard to say but meanings of which were easy to assume and Kaoru was good at making assumptions and she was never right, especially when it comes to Kenshin.

"Student-dono would never be able to capture you in his drawings. He would never be able to capture your essence…your heart." Kaoru would like to assume that the distance between them was getting shorter, and she would have liked to extend an arm just to test how much the gap between them had shortened but she was never confident that way and she retreated back and hoped that under the moonlight the growing blush on her cheeks would be undetectable for she was embarrassed, embarrassed to be affected this much by mere words, words that could probably mean nothing, words that could probably be just words.

"Student-dono would never know you…like this unworthy one does," those last words he whispered and her heart contracted and expanded and felt like exploding for there was just too much love in it begging for release and as he slowly took her hand in his, her heart lurched from the moon to whatever heavenly bodies lay beyond it and she almost cried but quickly caught herself and berated herself for being affected so easily. Because after all, she is a woman toughened by the need to survive and if she crumbles at everything he says or does there would be no hope for her, so she reminded herself to not be easily swayed, not for now at least. But Kaoru would like to believe, yes, that the distance between them is decreasing and she would like to assume that Kenshin is slowly becoming the man who loves her and that for him she is slowly becoming the woman who loves him and for both of them they are becoming the only persons in this world who could truly understand each other but that would be getting too far ahead in their story for Kenshin does not see her like that, at least not yet, and besides, their story was just beginning and Kaoru understood the importance of time and how time could alter one so much.

"This unworthy one could show you how much I know, and perhaps you could tell me things I do not yet know of."And Kaoru was ready to let him dive within her very core and explore her there for she was naked and bare and vulnerable within and unravel every thread and fiber of her being and dissolve within her until they become one. But she understood that she would have to be patient with him because he is a bit slow to understand things of the heart and her feelings are more complex than the ougi of the Hiten and until then she would have to be enduring, until he knew and understood everything about her.

"Yes Kenshin."

A/n: What do you think? One more and we're done!