Disclaimer:
I own nothing created and or mentioned, by J.K. Rowling, in the books of Harry Potter. This story is a product intended for enjoyment not financial gain.

Rating: Mature
Sexual content, language content, and dark themes.

Severus waited outside the great hall within the long line of fifth years who were also present to take the Defense Against the Dark Arts Ordinary Wizarding Level. The day was warm and the sun was shinning mercilessly through the windows, taunting all who were condemned to the lengthy two-hour exam. The configuration of students inched forward, ever so slightly, as the doors were thrown open to allow the first bunch of pupils to be ushered in.

Severus looked around at his peers. Busying himself with the study of their antics. Mulciber and Avery stood directly beside him, arguing about the difference between sanguinarian vampires and prana Feeders. Severus rolled his eyes, at their asinine altercation, the answer obvious to him. His eyes further roamed the line as he inched closer to the entrance. Potter and his cronies were not far. Huddled in their usual circle, they were laughing at some absurd sexual escapade provided by none other than Sirius Black. Severus narrowed his eyes hatefully as he overheard James comparing Sirius' anecdote to what he wanted to do to Lily, his Lily. Anger simmering in his chest, Snape's attention diverted over the crowd until his gaze found the red hair popping out over the many heads. Mary McDonald, the witless wonder, was whispering something into Lily's ear that caused her to open her mouth and widen her eyes in disbelief before shoving her friend playfully as the two laughed vivaciously. Hanging onto each other in their glee.

He watched Lily closely as she pulled her lengthy hair off of her neck, tying it into a high pony tail. She did a messy job of the grooming, several long strands falling from the interwoven hair. Dangling in front of her face and decorating her shoulders. She smoothed the top of her head in attempts to flatten any imperfections before resting her hand delicately on the nape of her neck. Severus swallowed hard as his eyes moved from her sublime face down her body. Merlin, her body!

Ever since that Friday, weeks ago, Severus hadn't been able to stop replaying the series of events that had taken place that night. Seemingly so ordinary from the start, the day had turned into the most important of his life thus far. Making love to Lily was copiously greater than he had ever imagined it could have been. Every moan that escaped her lips, every time she cried out his name, the smells, thoughts, and feelings were branded into his skull. He recalled everything in excruciating detail. How she had leaned against him and delicately placed her hand on his shoulder before turning to face him, to kiss him. The moment she had pressed her lips to his, conjuring Severus' most intimate dreams into reality, was the instance that invoked the most emotion in him. It was also the point he liked to relive eminently. Such a simple gesture to some meant absolutely everything to him. She had fundamentally stolen his breath away and forced him to fall in love with her all over again. It was a shame she had avoided him, quite successfully, ever since. That angered and hurt him greatly for things were supposed to be getting better from that point, not significantly worse.

With all his day dreaming, time had passed, allowing Severus to be marshaled into the great hall by the two seventh years who were coordinating the seating arrangements. He was guided to a desk in the back of the room where a booklet was already waiting patiently for him. Accompanied by the test were two plain quills, a bottle of black ink, and a healthy roll of parchment. Severus pulled out his chair and sat, feeling quite eager to get this O. W. L. out of the way. It was his last one of the day, after all, and he was keen to be finished with the whole experience.

"Quiet please, quiet!" Professor Flitwick squeaked from the front of the room as the aftermost students were seated in the few remaining desks. "All right, we will get started in just a moment but first the rules are in order. One: no talking is permitted through the duration of the exam. Two: If you have an emergency or must use the bathroom you may raise your hand and myself or one of two aids will escort you to the exit. Three: no cheating will be tolerated. If caught trying to do so your exam will be void and you will be escorted to the head master's office. There are no make-ups. Four: you will not discuss test questions or answers outside of this room. If done, you may face legal allegations. Are there any questions? Excellent! You may start—now!"

Severus opened his booklet and almost laughed at the first question. "What is the correct effect of the jinx Flipendo?"

Aviating through the exam, Snape was indefinitely absorbed in its contents. The two hours flew by, seemingly a mere twenty minutes to Severus, before Flitwick was calling the five minute mark and Snape was allowing his quill to roll from his hand. As he began reading his last couple of answers, being completely satisfied with how they turned out, he took the test booklet and began rereading the questions. After small consideration he was positive there wasn't any way that he would get less than an outstanding on his O. W. L. . A third year could have mastered it.

As the whole of the fifth year populace was released from the confines of the great hall Severus aimlessly followed the crowd. He was still immersed within the exam for he knew, in a few minutes (maybe ten), the paper would magically go blank. To inhibit any cheating from taking place. As he pressed on Severus grew happier and happier with how he had performed.

With every query reread his feet would haul him to places unknown. He wouldn't have been aware his legs had carried him outside if the warmth of the sun hadn't beat down on him. Creating a baking sensation against his black hair. He squinted his eyes from the brightness as he roamed the grounds for a spot of shade. Once secured in the shadow of two shrubs he pored over his booklet until he had virtually repeated the entire exam.

A heavy sigh escaped his lips as the booklet went blank. He opened his bag and slipped the leaflet inside concurrently rising from the ground and setting off towards the library. There was one particular question that he was dubious about that required research on his part. He wasn't sure if Randal Provel or Darren Privey had been the architect of the Expecto Patronum charm and he was certainly going to find out. As he was half way across the grounds he heard a voice call over the grass.

"All right, Snivellus?" It was James Potter.

Severus dropped his bag and plunged into his robes as he drew breath and wand to conjure a curse. Dread filled within Snape as he felt the twinge of magic hit his hand. He was helpless to do anything but watch as his wand flipped several times in the air, falling with a thud somewhere behind him. There wasn't any time to waste as he turned quickly to reclaim his fallen weapon, his only weapon, that could ward off the quartet of Gryffindor terrors. That was when he felt the touch of magic for the second time. Like a large blow to the stomach, the wind was knocked from his body as he crashed onto the ground panting. Attempting, to no avail, to regain his stolen breath.

"How'd the exam go, Snivelly?" James asked, smiling malevolently down at him.

"I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment. There'll be great grease marks all over it, they won't be able to read a word," Sirius added wickedly.

The laughter from the crowd rang in Severus' ears as anger and humiliation reigned through him unchecked. He bared his teeth and flexed his arms, trying to move his limbs to no avail. He turned his gaze from the ground, still panting, and looked straight into James's eyes.

"You—wait. You—wait. . ." Severus trailed off, his humiliation and hatred rendering his thought process useless.

"Wait for what?" Sirius laughed. "What are you going to do, Snivelly, wipe your nose on us?"

"Sectum-fucking-sempra-gryffindor-cock-sucking-confrigo-conjunctiva-mother-fuckers," Snape sputtered incoherently, his bitterness still operating on his brain. He desperately wished his wand wasn't feet behind him, useless as salt at sea.

"Wash your mouth out," said James icily. "Scourgify."

Another wave of dread came over Severus as he felt the bubbles multiplying in his mouth. On impulse his throat clamped and his stomach lurched, causing him to wretch painfully. The taste was unbearable, like bitter filthy spinach festering for weeks in the rankest garden. It took all of Snape's control to not vomit which would consequently make the situation worse. Since the froth was already attempting to travel down his airway and drown him, more secretions would not help matters at all. Thus he heaved feebly, hoping the magic would wear off sooner rather than later.

"Leave him alone!" Lily's voice shouted, seemingly coming from nowhere.

Severus' eyes closed in horror as he realized she was going to try and fight his battle for him. They had discussed her not butting into his misfortunate affairs in the past. Furthermore, she hadn't conveyed more than ten words to him in weeks, and now she wanted to defend him? She hadn't spoken to him at all, after giving him the most thrilling night of his life, and now she suddenly cared?

"All right Evans?" Said James trying to be cool, his voice becoming resonant and silky.

"Leave him alone," she repeated. "What's he done to you?"

"Well, its more the fact that he exists if you know what I mean. . ."

Snape glared at the ground, bubbles sliding between his lips, as the laughter from the several onlookers reached his ears.

It was horrible enough that he had to endure this torture and humiliation at Potter's hand but why did so many people have to watch? Did they honestly have nothing better to do then gawk at him being beaten and bullied? He knew if the tables were turned, and someone else was being harassed, he wouldn't want to watch at all. In fact the whole concept of watching someone else being ganged up on, four to one, would most certainly bore him.

"You think you're funny but you're just an arrogant, bullying, toe-rag, Potter. Leave him alone," Lily said speaking the last word in a dangerous manner.

"I will if you go out with me, Evans," James offered, completely unfazed by her dark tone. "Go on, go out with me, and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again."

Severus' ears were ringing with anger as blood rushed in his head. His legs were currently stiff, still suffering the effects of the impedimenta jinx, as his arms regained moderate strength. He pulled his body slowly (as to not attract attention) towards his wand.

"I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid," said Lily, her face contorted in dislike and hatred.

"Bad luck, Prongs," Sirius muttered to James as he turned his attention back to Snape. "OY!"

Severus raised his wand as a flash of light erupted from its tip. A moment of extraordinary delight enwrapped him as blood sputtered from the vicious cut that had appeared on the side of James's face. The good feeling vanished quickly as Severus felt his body being lifted up by the ankle. As if Potter were punishing him for his defiance in defending himself. Severus was drowned with alarming dread, acknowledging the warm breeze of the day blowing against his upper thighs. His underwear revealed for the world to see. How could things possibly get any worse?

"Let him down," Lily commanded.

"Certainly," James said with a mild sneer on his face as he caused Severus to fall and crumble painfully to the floor.

Snape quickly straightened his clothes and stood, his wand raised by a slightly shaking hand. He was abashed when Black rose his wand and caused Severus' legs to lock together, throwing him off balance and sending him, once more, to the ground.

"LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Lily screeched brandishing her own wand.

"Aw, Evans, don't make me hex you."

"Take the curse off him, then!" Lily insisted, taking a step closer to James in a formidable manner.

James sighed loudly and turned, muttering the counter curse at Snape.

"There you go," James said as Severs struggled to his feet once more. "You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus."

"I don't need help from filthy little mudbloods like her!" Snape seethed venomously. It had slipped out before he could stop himself. He glared at the ground, very angry with himself. Angry with Potter. Angry with Black. Even angry with Lily.

"Fine, I won't bother in the future" Lily said, her voice inscrutable, her face matching with ambiguity.

For a moment Severus thought that she wasn't even angry. That she understood that he was humiliated; enraged, and not thinking of what he was saying.

"And I'de wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus."

There it was.

As the vile appellation left her lips Severus felt an odd pang in his chest. The sensation washed from his center and spread throughout his body, making him feel violated and oppressed. Why had he called her mudblood, Why? He was so tired of things being so constantly fucked. This instance being even more maddening since he had nothing but his own filthy mouth to blame.

"Apologize to Evans!" James clamored, stepping forward and pressing his wand inches from Snape's throat.

"I don't want you to make him apologize! You're as bad as he is!"

"What?" James yelped, taken aback. "I'de never call you a— you-know-what!"

"Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid snitch, walking down the corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can. I'm surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me sick!" She exclaimed, turning around, her hair whipping frantically as she stalked back over to her group of friends. Shaking her head as she approached them.

"Evans! Hey Evans—What is it with her?"

"Reading between the lines I'd say she thinks you're a bit conceited, mate," Sirius said, trying to reason for his distraught friend.

"Right," James said as if he didn't care. "Right—"

Severus was still standing where he had been, staring at Lily's retreated back. A cold feeling had erupted in his hands and feet as something told him he had really fucked up this time. He was so immersed in his self loathing that he had no time to react as he felt his body being hoisted into the air for the second time.

"Who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?" James asked excitedly as Severus tried to reach his wand that was right below him in the grass. Sirius grabbed it instead and began twirling it in his hands.

"Let's do it with his own wand," Sirius jeered pointing the wand at it's owners debilitated body.

Severus closed his eyes, completely helpless to do anything to prevent the humiliation he knew was going to befall him. Tears of frustration stung his eyes as he allowed self pity to take hold of him. Swallowing hard, Severus could feel his underwear being pulled slowly down his legs. He refused to allow his welling tears to fall, unwilling to give his enemies the satisfaction. He clenched his teeth and balled his fists as his whole body vibrated in unadulterated loathing.

The onlookers were laughing and cheering, while Potter and Black were doubled over in hysterics. Severus looked over at Lily who was ignoring the whole scene behind her. That hurt more than anything Black or Potter could ever do. . .

Severus lay on his bed, his pillow over his face, still suffering from the mortification he had experienced hours ago. He sighed shakily as the events, still so fresh, danced before his mind. Lily had looked so apathetic when he had called her a mudblood. It would have been better if she had screamed at him, pummeled him, told him he was the scum of the earth, but she didn't. She turned her back and walked away from him.

What was worse was that he called her a mudblood in front of Potter! Potter, who was head over heals in love with Lily. Potter, who asked Lily out on dates at least once a week. Potter, who was now going to go back to Gryffindor tower and comfort Lily for what the mean little Slytherin said to her. She might have expressed hatred for James in the past but who's to say she wouldn't accept his affection in light of recent events? He called her a mudblood, she no longer had any obligation to stay loyal to him. Friends didn't call friends mudbloods. . .

After a few hours of wallowing he threw his pillow at the foot of his bed and jumped off of it. He had to go speak to her, he had to apologize. She would surely understand. He walked briskly through the common room and out into the cold dungeon corridors. He ascended the many stairs to Gryffindor tower and waited for any Gryffindor to come along. He was pleased to see Mary McDonald round the corner not five minutes later.

"Mary," he said urgently "I need to speak with Lily."

"I don't think she wants to talk to you, Snape," Mary said, eyeing him apprehensively.

"I don't care what you think McDonald just go and fetch her! I'll spend all night out here if I have to!"

"Hold on, geez," Mary said as she slipped into the portrait hole and out of sight.

Severus paced the floor in complete and utter anticipation, hoping Lily would appear out of the pathway and not Mary bearing bad news. His heart skipped a beat as the portrait opened to reveal Lily in her night gown.

"What do you want?" She asked monotonously.

"I'm sorry," Severus said automatically.

"I'm not interested."

"I'm sorry!"

"Save your breath. I only came out here because Mary said you were threatening to sleep here."

"I was. I would have done. I never meant to call you mudblood, it just—"

"Slipped out?" Lily asked her eyes languid in apathy. When he didn't say anything she shook her head letting a shaky sigh escape her lips. "It's too late. I've made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can even understand why I talk to you. You and your precious little Death Eater friends— you see, you don't even deny thats what you're all aiming to be! You can't wait to join you-know-who can you?"

Severus was taken aback by her little spiel. For one: the venom in her voice, the disgust, was enough to have him feel like vermin for the rest of his life. Two: she was extremely correct. He was eager to leave Hogwarts and immediately join The Dark Lord. He hadn't thought that would upset her as it obviously did. Joining the Dark Lord's ranks would make him belong to something greater than himself. It would be something only an able man would do. Someone without fear, someone who was going to be somebody. Not just anybody was permitted to adhere to the most powerful wizard of the age.

"I can't pretend anymore. You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine."

"No— listen, I didn't mean—"

"To call me a mudblood? But you call everyone by my birth mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?"

Severus looked at the ground and opened his mouth only to close it again, on the verge of speech. Lily shook her head firmly and climbed back in the portrait, looking comprehensively disappointed.

Severus stood there, not able to feel anything for a long moment. Over the span of a minute his feet grew to feel like pins and needles while his hands developed the same sensation. His breathing was coming thickly as his chest tightened, his mouth numb and tingling. He rubbed his shaking hands together for a moment before bringing them up to his temples where he grabbed handfuls of his hair, shaking his head indefinitely. Was this really happening to him? Was she really going to just shut him out? 'You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine.' It seemed pretty concrete. As his heart pounded against his rib cage, his body quivering, Severus drew in an unsatisfying breath before slowly turning around and walking a few steps away from Gryffindor tower. He looked back at the portrait as if expecting Lily to be there, her mind changed. She obviously wasn't.

Once back in the Slytherin common room Severus was overcome with such a bout of nausea he was forced to flee to the bathroom and wretch up everything his shaken body could muster. He wiped his watering eyes with the back of his hand as he closed the toilet seat and flushed it with a flick of his wrist. He collapsed on the floor, his face in his hands, knees drawn to his chest.

Tears threatened to fall from his eyes as he tortured himself by reliving the recent conversation with Lily. Furthermore, he couldn't help but remember that Friday. How happy he was that night. How convinced he was that life was going to turn around. How wrong he had been. From being so hopeful then to so hopeless now was more than he could bear. The tears he was fighting to keep at bay stung his eyes and throat as he bit on his lower lip in turmoil. As soon as the first tear escaped, rolling down his face, he could hold his composer no longer. His sobs bounded against the empty bathroom walls echoing back into his ever attentive ears. As if taunting him for his stupidity and weakness. . .

Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed the second chapter to my story. I do apologize for it being somewhat repetitive in regards to 'Snape's Worst Memory' but it plays an important role in my story.