–
16
My Heart
–
"I don't know how I could have fallen in love with someone who's such an asshole to my friends."
Sebastian totally missed the first part of the sentence. He heard it, but he didn't register it. He tossed Kurt a saucy smile back. "Well, you told me I couldn't date them anymore and if I'm not fucking their brains out, I want to shoot mine and it's the only way I can handle a majority of them."
"I seem to recall telling Santana that same thing. I'm glad one of you listened." Brittany notwithstanding, that was true enough.
"Well, I just dated you instead. I'm nothing if not a great listener." There was a hint of sarcasm as Sebastian knew what others thought of him, he was a disruptor and did his own thing, never listening to anyone else's advice. That wasn't completely true.
"Yeah, I can see that." Kurt rolled his eyes affectionately. "Especially to me."
"You, my dear boyfriend are in a very limited pool of people I actually listen to." Sebastian crawled over Kurt to steal a kiss and then rolled over and off of Kurt and back to his feet. He had been putting his clothes away. Kurt refused to be servant to either Sebastian or Santana. He would rearrange their closet if they asked but the weekly task of washing and putting clothes away fell on them. Sebastian had become so domestic, he would have just hired this out or left it in his laundry basket, pulling the clean items out to wear as needed and ironing if absolutely needed. Kurt took his mostly to the dry cleaners and those were always already pressed and hung up and ready to wear.
"Mmh-hmm." Kurt drawled out as he turned to his side and propped himself up on an elbow. "Then what did I just say to you?"
"Mmh-hmm." Sebastian tossed back, his head turned over his shoulder toward Kurt, another cheeky grin in place.
"Right, go back a bit further. What did I say to you just before I called you an asshole?"
Sebastian turned to Kurt, a frown in place, wondering why the hell he was pushing this so much. Had he told him something vitally important and Sebastian actually didn't hear it? Kurt had buried whatever it was in the middle of an insult. Was Elliott in a snit about the breakup again? It had been ages since that happened. Were Rachel and Blaine complaining again? Kurt hadn't seen Dani in forever, so she couldn't be the culprit. Had Kurt said something about how Sebastian had hung up the phone on Finn?
Finn had just been irritating Kurt, they'd been going round in circles and Sebastian could see that little vein near his eye twitching as he attempted to keep the peace and the conversation civil. Finn was a nice guy and all but sometimes he could be a little obtuse. Sebastian played the bad guy for Kurt, taking the phone from him and telling Finn that they were about to have ravenous sex and that he was cockblocking him, then hung up. Sebastian had enjoyed doing so, so maybe it was less playing and just being the bad guy. Kurt's squeal and attempt to get his phone back had been entertaining. Kurt had collapsed onto the bed with a sigh and told Sebastian off for doing it but thanking him in the same breath.
"What did I miss?" Sebastian finally gave in, he didn't recall.
Kurt sighed again and flopped onto his back. "I don't know if you deserve to hear it again so soon."
Sebastian left his clothes where they were and came down on the bed again, next to Kurt, one arm propping him up so he could look down at Kurt and the other crossed over Kurt's chest. "Come on, say it again."
Kurt's eyes narrowed and there was a mix of amusement and suspicion on his face. "You did hear me say it and you just want me to say it again." He accused.
"No, no, I have no idea what you're referencing. Give me a clue at least."
"No." He said petulantly.
"Come on." Sebastian needled playfully. "Say it, put me out of my misery."
"No." But Kurt's face was open and just amused now.
"Perhaps I can convince you a different way." Sebastian pressed a kiss to one of Kurt's eyebrows. "Tell me now?"
"No." Kurt gave a small laugh though at the kiss and another one when Sebastian pressed a kiss to his chin.
"Now?"
"No." Kurt shook his head with a smile breaking across his face.
"Tell me." A kiss to Kurt's ear and he got an answering shiver. "Tell me?" He repeated softly before his mouth pressed against that spot again.
Kurt's breath was a bit strangled and a hand reached up to slide through Sebastian's hair. His eyes were warm and telling Sebastian so much. Sebastian had seen it before but today they were just overflowing with what they had to say. "I said- I said I love you." He was soft and had a bit of a false start but he said it with conviction. "I love you so much, Sebastian." He traced the curve of Sebastian's bottom lip with his thumb. "It's ok to not say it back. I just couldn't hold it in anymore."
It sank in this time. Sebastian felt the smile stretching his cheeks to an impossible degree. "God, Kurt, I love you. I've been trying to find a way to say it for weeks now, longer perhaps. Whenever I was about to say it, something happened or someone interrupted. I hate that you got to say it first." Sebastian bent his head to press his mouth against Kurt's, wanting those words against his own as they not only said it but shared that feeling with each other. Kurt's words would forever be tattooed on his heart. He paused though as he frowned now at Kurt. "Did you honestly tell me you loved me while insulting me?"
Kurt looked up at him innocently. "Yes?"
Sebastian shook his head, a smile crossing his lips again and bent his head so his mouth was just a hair's distance away from Kurt's. "That's so us." Then his mouth found Kurt's and sought to pull Kurt's words from his mouth to his own. If he could swallow them then they'd be in him forever. Kurt seemed to have a similar plan, seeking his with intensity.
Sebastian pulled back suddenly though. "Wait, wait, why did you think that I wouldn't say it back?"
"Don't ruin a sweet moment." Kurt tugged at Sebastian's hair, attempting to pull him back down to his mouth or pull himself up to meet Sebastian's.
"You do believe that I'm capable of loving you and do so, right?" Sebastian's eyes searched Kurt's, looking deep, trying to find any signs that he didn't.
"Seb, baby, I believe you. I just didn't know if it would scare you away and I didn't want to push you into saying it back, just letting you know you were loved was enough. I wanted you to know that much and that it was unconditional. I fell in love with you so long ago and I will continue to love you forever, always."
"I feel like you're trying to say no matter if we're together or not." Sebastian picked up.
"It's true. Though I would have argued against that path if you got that into your head for whatever reason." Kurt stroked Sebastian's cheek.
"How can you know that?" Sebastian asked, feeling a little unsure footed now. It had been enough to realize he loved Kurt. Kurt made that a grand total of two people that he loved that wasn't family and even family he wasn't sure if it was love but foisted feelings of requirement. It took a lot for Sebastian to love and it wasn't conditional, he just finally admitted to his feelings to himself a few months ago. He knew it had been there for a long time now, only growing stronger as time went on. Admiration and lust had been neck and neck from the beginning, perhaps admiration had been the first thing he'd felt for Kurt before he even met him.
"I just... love isn't a foreign concept to me. I'm familiar with it in all it's forms and I know me. There are people I have loved and continue to love whether they're still alive or in my life or not. There are people I've loved that I no longer feel much for at all now."
"You've kept all your former boyfriends in your life." Even the dead one, Sebastian had given up trying to understand that.
Kurt breathed in deeply and let it out slowly. "True but they don't occupy all of my life or thoughts. I just check in with them once in awhile. They were a big part of my life, they all played an important role. I don't love any of them anymore, they don't occupy that space in my heart. I still care about them in some ways though." Kurt hesitated and then forged on, consequences be damned. "Maybe that should be a good indicator on how I'd feel about you if this ended. If I still care about them, can you even imagine how much I'd still care about you?"
"Yeah, you'd probably rip me completely out of your life and ice me out if I ever tried to contact you."
"No, Sebastian."
"Yes."
"If I were to ice you out, it would be because I still care so much that it hurts. Even icing you out I would still feel it, I would hold it all in and then dissolve after you were no longer in front of me." Kurt's fingers skirted around the back of Sebastian's ear. "You broke through my typical way of blocking other guys out when I'm dating someone else. You made me see you, made me realize I had feelings when no one else could ever dream of turning my head and there were some quite attractive ones. You broke through that armored shell. I haven't told you this before, I didn't want you to worry needlessly but you came into my life and shook me up and made me realize I had been settling. You offer me safety and comfort but also excitement and a thrill every day, you're the whole package for me."
"I certainly have a whole lot of package for you." Sebastian adjusted his hips a little to make his words even more clear but Kurt hadn't needed the physical to understand. Still, the answering smile was enough.
Kurt had laid himself bare, had given Sebastian all of him and Sebastian had told him he loved him, had given part of himself. It was enough.
–
Every time Kurt said that he loved him, Sebastian felt a thrill zip through him. The expression never got old. He had never doubted its truthfulness, even amidst an argument. He felt it even more in the happy times.
They could be like kids sometimes. Kurt was attempting to cook a traditional French meal, he had the time and he'd tried something the last time he was in Paris that he wanted to try and recreate. It was turning out to be far more of a chore than he'd anticipated. Sebastian sat at the counter, legs swinging as he watched Kurt. Kurt had to keep moving around him to get the ingredients.
"I distinctly remember someone telling you this was a difficult dish." Sebastian picked up the lid on the pot closest to him and tutted. "It's going to burn at this rate." He reached out to turn down the temperature. Kurt slapped his hand away and spun a spoon around in it and groaned, turning the temperature down perhaps a bit too far. Sebastian reached out and turned the temperature to where it should be.
This had been one of his mom's attempts at a career when he was a boy. He knew this dish well and knew how to make it but also knew how easy it was to be ruined. It was all about appropriate temperatures and timing and gas verses electric and they had a convection stove and over, he didn't know for sure how that would affect all of the above. He would never let Kurt attempt this for company and if Kurt really wanted to eat it at home, home cooked, he'd make it for him.
He wasn't expecting to have a face full of flour and he coughed and wiped at his eyes. "What the hell, Kurt?"
Kurt reached out and turned off the stove while laughing. "Sorry, I couldn't help myself." He pressed himself between Sebastian's legs which closed around his waist, trapping him there. He reached out for Sebastian's face and drew a heart pattern on one of his cheeks. "Perfect." Then he leaned up and kissed Sebastian's other cheek and attempted to turn and clean up his mess, having thrown a white flag onto it.
"Nuh-uh, not so fast." Sebastian pulled him back around. "Why the flour?"
"You were being a child, with your 'told you so'. I figured I could join you in age." Kurt's lips quirked up and Sebastian laughed.
"Really? So you want to play in the dirt with me? Have some mud pies?" He tugged Kurt closer still and kissed him before he could answer. Kurt squealed, not wanting to get dirty in return like he had with Sebastian but it was too late. Sebastian reached for the bowl next to him and smeared chocolate across Kurt's face then only sort of regretted it because the temptation to lick it all back off again was too strong and he followed it.
Kurt's giggles turned to moans very quickly.
–
Kurt pressed Sebastian up against a wall outside the theater they just came out of. Rachel and Blaine had landed in a play together and played opposite of each other. Thankfully they weren't in a romantic relationship in the play. Sebastian didn't even want to spend another second thinking about it.
Kurt's mouth trailed along Sebastian's neck and he wasn't protesting but was curious what got into him to want to do this so close to being discovered by the huge crowd of people that came out after them. Kurt pressed his mouth to Sebastian's. "You're so wonderful, do you know that?"
"Yes, but please enlighten me on what I've done now."
"You sat through that shitty play with our friend who are quite terrible actors and you didn't say a word."
Sebastian had been half asleep. He'd learned a wonderful art of appearing awake while his brain was on holiday elsewhere. Sebastian didn't share that with Kurt right now, not if he was being rewarded for it. "It's something you wanted to do, I wasn't going to protest as long as I was with you."
"I love you so much." Kurt pressed more kisses along his jaw. "We're going to have to pretend to be enthusiastic about their performances." He warned Sebastian, but Sebastian never did what he had to, just what he wanted and the warning was pointless, perhaps counter-intuitive but he was trying to do a better job about listening to advice, Kurt's especially. "Sebastian, you're mon tresor."
Sebastian couldn't let it go at that, couldn't let Kurt leave without being properly rewarded for learning that much French and knowing what it did to Sebastian and what those words meant to him in particular. It wasn't just "I love you" but "You're my treasure".
Sebastian breathed shakily and shook his head. "No, no, you're mon coeur, my most important tresor." His mouth found Kurt's neck this time and he was going to mark every inch of that and let the world know he was taken in a very visual way that would tell others to keep their hands off.
It backfired, of course. Rachel fussed over Kurt, basically pulling him from Sebastian and sitting between them, asking who had put their hands on him, looked like someone had tried to strangle him. Sebastian sighed in annoyance as Blaine got into that action and they tried to find everywhere that the bruises were, following the path to his collar bones and attempting to shift clothes out of the way.
Kurt pulled away, reassuring them that it hadn't been done to harm him. Sebastian thought maybe he should have elaborated a little more so they didn't think it was still an attempt at strangulation in another form, but they could also let their imagination run for all he cared. Kurt moved his clothes back into place and went to sit on Sebastian's lap. Sebastian wrapped his arms around Kurt's waist, glad they didn't see the trail going beneath his shirt and making a somewhat straight line down south to his belt. He hadn't stopped there. Kurt never did feel comfortable with others touching him or seeing him without clothes except in very specific occasions.
Kurt directed the conversation back to the play and they took the bait, forgetting all about Kurt's bruises. "Love bites." Sebastian said in Kurt's ear before nipping at the lobe, calling them what they were. Part of him still hated the idea that others thought he'd put his hands on Kurt like that, even if they thought now that it was breath play. He'd never.
Kurt laughed, leaning back onto Sebastian's chest, looking up with agreement. "Treasured love bites."
"Careful, we still have to put up with these two for another hour. If you say things like that, I'm not going to stay that long or I might just take you on this table." He nodded toward the low table in front of them which had all their drinks.
"You put up with their show, you can handle a couple of hours, can't you?" Kurt wiggled in his lap, purposefully brushing up against him. "My treasured one."
No, he really couldn't and with that second reminder in as many seconds, he jumped to his feet, made some kind of excuse and pulled a laughing Kurt out of the building and took the subway for probably the first time in his life when he couldn't get a taxi to stop for them. The towncar had been dispatched during the play for Santana and Brittany's use. It had been due back in two hours, the agreed upon time that Sebastian was required to spend with the others.
It was an uncomfortable ride for Sebastian and a bit for Kurt, but for an entirely different reason that Sebastian had suspected while taking the tube. "God, do you know how suggestive the tube is?" He asked tearing at Kurt's clothes, needing to find where his mouth had already been today, retrace his path and expand on it. It was still one of his favorite things about Kurt's body.
That and the blush that had become rarer over time but popped up, like right now. He still got Kurt hot and bothered and red but usually flushed with need rather than coyness, but he'd take either. He paused though before taking Kurt's other treasure into his mouth. "Say it again?"
"Mon tresor."
–
Sebastian and Kurt had a week vacation that lined up and Sebastian convinced Kurt that it would ok to spend that week on a beach in Greece.
Kurt had tried to suggest other locations, including skiing in Vail or Switzerland. Since it was summer, that wasn't going to work. Also, while Kurt was a walker and probably be fine hiking, the last thing he needed was to be closer to the sun during the height of a heatwave covered up in layers. Sebastian didn't think that would be fun.
There was promise of sightseeing in Greece too and wandering small shops and the picturesque scenes that he could be part of. "You're sure you don't want to go somewhere in France instead?" He almost had Kurt agreeing, he could smell it.
"I've been to France, I want to go somewhere new with you." Sebastian eased Kurt's distress. "I can get back to France another time. I think I just miss Europe more at this point than being homesick for France."
"Ok, fun in the sun and sand, with my complexion what could possibly go wrong?" He still sounded uneasy and Sebastian knew why but he had it covered. Greece was going to be perfect for this and for them.
He hired a huge umbrella and a non-reflective blanket and a single large lounger that would fit the two of them but could adjust the backs individually. He had a cooler of drinks and suntan lotion both in the cooler and air temperature, depending on which one was needed or better suited.
He was more than happy to apply it to Kurt's skin every half hour. Sebastian waved off the need to do it quite as often, opting for every other application for his own skin. He had a darker skin tone and would be fine. He'd built up a base too, working outside on projects for his job and just jogging around central park, shirtless.
For the time period after the lotion had sunk in and started working again and the time Kurt dried off for another application, they played in the surf, kicking water at each other, picking up shells and going for swims. They also built sand castles and knocked them over, finding more merriment in that than building them. They drew pictures in the sand and Kurt had to quickly hide what Sebastian drew from other tourists' eyes, kicking sand over it and rubbing it out with his foot.
Sebastian just drew another set of stick figures, knowing he would get away with full bodies again. "You're such a little boy sometimes."
"Teenager and you are the little boy afraid of getting in trouble. We're a bunch of tourists, what would we get in trouble for? We'd get an disapproving eye, that's all."
"Yeah, yeah, I don't like that look, I always feel in the wrong then." Kurt shook his head. "I'd rather not feel that way, while on vacation, ok?"
"Ok, ok." Sebastian drew a large heart and wrote their initials in it, that was actually very sweet.
"And we could probably get in trouble for pornographic images and who knows what Greece's rules are on that. It's also why we're not going to have public sex, no matter how much you beg."
"You wouldn't give in to me having public sex even if we were home." Sebastian waved it off. "I know better than to ask for that."
"We're not going to end up in some Greek jail, ok?" Kurt was a bit apprehensive about that. He didn't know where some countries drew the lines and what they would throw the book at someone for, just because they could.
"You do realize we're in Greece, right? Where perhaps all the great philosophers had some guy they were porking."
Kurt rolled his eyes. "Also where there are a lot of orthodox religions that frown on a girl being seen alone with a man without her being her husband or blood relative for sake of the perceived notion of her purity."
"And everything in between." Sebastian gave in, all thoughts of abandoning decorum like the ancient Greeks abandoned. Kurt was right, they didn't know what the current laws were and Sebastian didn't know if his father's influence would get them out of here, perhaps his money would be enough.
It didn't matter though, by the time they got back to the hotel to shower and change, Sebastian was regretting not letting Kurt's hands explore his exposed flesh while rubbing in lotion into his skin. He thought he had a good base but even with the sunscreen, he had still burnt, badly. He hadn't taken into account the different exposure of the sun they'd have here.
Kurt had the lightest of tans started, so obviously that part of his plan had worked out well.
"I think you're going to have to wear long sleeves for the rest of our trip, or at least at night." Kurt stated sympathetically, his fingers working on every inch of angry red skin with the cooling aloe gel they'd brought. Sebastian kept wincing but he knew it was important and wherever it cooled and dried did feel a little better. It was a shame that it was on their second day there. "More sightseeing in store for us then." Kurt didn't sound too choked up about that.
Oh well, they'd had a day of fun in the sun and sand and Kurt would be more willing to go in the future as long as he didn't get fried. They chose to stay in the cool air conditioning tonight while Sebastian's skin healed a little rather than face the warm balmy air outside. They shut the doors to the breeze playing with the curtains blocking their room from the balcony. Kurt ordered room service.
The next night, as they walked those paths, they were hand in hand as they walked, ignoring any looks sent their way. Young men traveled together often enough but most didn't usually touch in such a way outside of Athens. Some did but they ignored the looks just like Kurt and Sebastian did, far too used to it.
They stopped in a store and they browsed, sometimes coming together to chat about certain pieces and sometimes they went their separate ways. Sebastian stopped dead when he found a men's ring that was absolutely gorgeous and antique and kept up nicely. His hand closed around it and quickly moved to another display so Kurt wouldn't see what he'd spent awhile looking at.
He didn't have to worry, Kurt had slipped upstairs and was looking at more things up there and Sebastian paid for the ring and slipped it into his pocket. Kurt didn't suspect a thing and came down without a find of his own. He seemed a bit disappointed but they moved on to their next spot.
It was after they'd walked around for about an hour that Kurt sighed. "I'm tempted to get one of those anti-evil eye things with how much we're getting."
"Do you want to just stop holding hands?" Sebastian asked and Kurt shook his head.
"I'd press in closer and wrap my arm around you if I wasn't afraid of hurting you by pressing on the sunburn."
"I can still wrap my arm around you." Sebastian pointed out and Kurt accepted. They canceled the rest of their stay at the hotel the next day in order to travel around Greece and find somewhere more them. They ended up on an island dotted with pink buildings rather than white and it was gorgeous. They ate out and had a lot of healthy food for very little and tipped generously. They had a private room at a local home, rented to them by a non-judgmental couple. It was a nice couple of days.
Kurt didn't come home with any souvenirs though but Sebastian thought he probably had the best one.
–
"God, Kurt. I completely fucked up the one time I tried to- I was going to try again after this trip but I had messed that up too. It would have just looked desperate and I doubted you would have believed me." Sebastian breathed in and out unsteadily. "It's still going to look desperate but I've been ready for a long time. I've had it in my drawer for months now, second guessing every thought and move and not thinking it's good enough, that I'm not good enough. How could you still be with me after all this time? Jeez, do you even remember how much I fucked it up? I still remember clear as day." He moaned, remembering and rubbed his forehead against the hand he still held in his whenever he was in this room. "You are so amazing not to just dump me on my ass every time I mess up." Then he went into the story. It wasn't a very long one, but it was the encapsulation of their entire relationship. It felt like it had been years when he'd been in the moment.
The timing was all wrong. They'd had a fight about something stupid that morning and they were going to be heading out to dinner tonight on a date that had been planned for weeks now. Sebastian paced the condo, unsure if he was making the right decision to forge ahead with it today
Kurt had text him when he got to his Fashion House but while they'd made up with Sebastian's returning text, they hadn't text again. Kurt would be there, probably borrowing something he was working on or just finished for a model about his size. He wouldn't worry whether or not people saw him in it, they'd either be excited for it's official release or not even realize who Kurt was or would bog him down with questions about it.
He'd wear it because he wouldn't have had time to come home to wear something he'd made for himself or bought or had personally tailored to fit him perfectly.
No, Sebastian would go ahead with it. He'd done this with telling Kurt he loved him, he wouldn't do it again. He wouldn't be undercut, he would be the one to make this step forward. Kurt had even been the one to confirm an interest first. The waiting and then not waiting to actually move the relationship forward had been somewhat both of them though Sebastian had been the one to get them to meet up. He suppose he was the one who'd asked Kurt to move in, making it a very large step forward in their relationship. Still, it was a little unbalanced in terms of scale. So it was his turn again and above all, he wanted to be the one to do it.
Kurt was finally letting him choose the restaurant and wasn't going to say boo about the price or Sebastian paying. He was going to abuse that to it's full capacity by taking Kurt to the most expensive and hard to get into restaurant in New York and he was going to pay for the most expensive drinks and food and whatever else he could get away with. He even had a song picked out and dedicated to Kurt and Kurt was going to be flattered by the attention.
He would take him out dancing again. Despite everything, Kurt still loved to dance and Sebastian would take him out and they'd go dancing to the best club in existence currently. They'd have top of the line drinks there too and bottled water flown in from the most ridiculous untouched springs in the world. Kurt would be wooed all over again and lathered with love and affection and the best of everything, reminding him that with Sebastian that's what he'd always get.
That was the plan.
Kurt arrived late and looking harried and unkempt. He nearly got turned away at the door but Sebastian had spotted him from their very best table before they could. He had been trying to look through the sliver of sight to the entrance the restaurant had for a glimpse of him. It was rare, only when someone came through the door. They were kept from view of those walking the street and unwanted camera lenses by one way windows and a carefully guarded front entrance and a door between the foyer and the exclusive private restaurant. There were only five tables with two seats in the place. It was a very who's-who and the other tables were always someone. He wasn't, he was the son of someone and was slowly making his name but Kurt was someone, had already made his mark on the world. It nearly pissed Sebastian off that they didn't know who Kurt was.
He caught the attention of his waiter who came over and bent so Sebastian could speak into his ear, unable to be overheard by the others. The man's eyes widened, nodded and discretely went to the front to discuss this turn of events with the host and came in moments later with a more groomed Kurt. It had felt like too long but with his appearance back under control, Sebastian understood what had happened.
"I should have sent a car." Sebastian said in way of greeting, rising from his chair to share a kiss hello with Kurt.
"No, it wouldn't have mattered. I wasn't at the House." Kurt ran a hand through his hair, disrupting it, the first time Sebastian had really seen Kurt actively ruin his own hair. He was definitely looking a little stressed right now. Sebastian wondered if he should wait for a better time. Then he shook his head and called himself all sorts of names, he had to stop waiting. "There was a – never mind, let's not talk about work." He shook his head and looked around, taking in the vicinity but not quite seeing any of the famous faces around them. "I'd never gone through that before." He nodded toward the front. "It felt like 20 hands were on me pulling, patting, petting and putting things into their proper places. It was like I went through one of those air blasters but making things better rather than just quick drying."
"You look nice." Sebastian put out there, he did too, now that he was in order. It had to have been a very bad day if he looked like that in public. "Did you take a taxi?"
"Subway." Kurt answered not paying attention to his words or the affect they had on Sebastian.
"Kurt, that's so dangerous, especially these days when you're a familiar face, a household face." Sebastian grabbed Kurt's hand. "You could be a target now whether or not they know your face, they can tell you now have money."
"Fine, I'll take a ride-share next time." Kurt gave a dismissive shrug and Sebastian squeezed his hand tighter. "Seb, it was ok and it will be ok."
"I'd feel safer if you were to use one of the towncars, we have a lot of them on standby for you, me, Santana." His father.
Kurt made a face. "It's just so not New York. I mean, yes, so very New York in a way but not the real street level New York. I get my inspirations from all the sights, smells, people around me. A towncar is so removed from all of that real life. I already have to take it often enough to get where I'm going faster, I don't want to take it if I don't absolutely have to."
"You were late getting here." Sebastian pointed out, not accusatory, they'd had this argument before and Kurt would just do what he wanted. At least Sebastian would know where to look.
"I know but only just." It had been only a matter of a few minutes. He could have been just as late with the towncar, later still. Sometimes driving was faster, sometimes it wasn't.
"You would have more time to put yourself together before getting here." Kurt wouldn't have had to drive himself, neither of them wanted to deal with that hassle. He just had to press a little more, maybe eventually Kurt would agree with him.
"I had plenty of time to put myself together." Kurt muttered. "I had to fight off a pickpocketer and was a bit frazzled coming in, that's all."
"Kurt-."
"No, before you say anything, I could have had that happen outside of here, could have happened getting out of the car, it's happened before. I'm not going to stop taking the subway."
Sebastian sighed. "Fine." He waved to the table where Kurt's menu remained untouched. Nobody would approach them until they signaled for a waiter to come forward. Sebastian already had a wine he knew Kurt would enjoy uncorked and breathing in a fancy decanter. He would check in with the bodyguards about what they were doing while Kurt fought off a pickpocketer. That could have gotten violent and Kurt could have gotten hurt.
"What's the special occasion anyway?" Kurt asked as he looked through the menu and closing it shortly later, decided. This place did not advertise prices so Kurt wouldn't know which was the most expensive or the opposite. They were all the same price, you didn't come here and expect to pay nothing. You came here and didn't even glance at a bill. You would have one of your people make the reservation and have your credit card on file for the restaurant. Those who came here would never notice the amount nor cry over it.
Sebastian turned his menu so it would be easy to take when the orders were completed. The waiter came over with the wine and poured them both a glass before placing the bottle on a stand near them, but they wouldn't ever touch it. As the waiter poured their glasses he asked them for their choices and both answered and chatted with him briefly. Then he took their menus and left. They could have chosen to have their orders already placed by their people but the options were there for more on the moment decision makers or mind changers.
Kurt eyed Sebastian. "This is a lot more planned out than most of our other dates. What's going on Seb?"
Sebastian swallowed, he had been planning this in his head over and over again and now that it was here, he didn't know what to say or how to say it. "Well... you've loved before." Sebastian winced internally and perhaps a bit too hard externally. "I mean, you've loved and gotten over them." What the hell was he saying? He'd started though but couldn't stop himself from continuing, otherwise this would be a really weird and awkward conversation. Kurt would not let it go. "Of the two of us, you've done this before and you were fine." Shit, he was really fucking this up.
Kurt sat back and his hand slipped out from under Sebastian's to cross over his chest. "What are you really trying to say here, Sebastian?"
"I'm trying-" Sebastian shook his head and reached for his wine and took a hard swallow. "I'm trying to say that you're resilient and have a very large capacity for love and you can handle loving and losing love. I never had that before." Sebastian blinked, his eyes sought Kurt's hoping that he could understand what he was butchering. Kurt was frowning back at him, looking very skeptical and perhaps a little angry and sad too. So, no help there and Sebastian took another deep breath. He had to get this right and had to get through it and get Kurt to see it from his point of view too.
"Are you buying me off?" Kurt finally cut into Sebastian's rant.
"What?" Sebastian looked at Kurt as if he were the odd one now. "Why would you say that?"
"Isn't that what rich guys do when they're done with their current paramour? Buy them off with expensive dinners and jewelry and then dump them, hoping they'll feel a little better with a shiny new necklace to tide them over? As if feelings don't matter."
"Of course feelings matter, that's what I'm trying to say." Sebastian cut him off, not quite following what Kurt was getting at but latching onto the word that best described things, feelings. "You have the capacity to love, you've proven it over and over again. If I am no longer with you, you'll have the ability to move on and find love again. It's not the same for me. I had no idea what love was before you. I don't think I'd be able to find it again after you, I hadn't found it before you and I tried many times to find it with a lot of other guys. I don't know what I would do if we were no longer together."
"Sebastian, just speak plainly, are you trying to tell me that you want to break up? Is that what all of this is about? That you love me still but you can't be in a relationship anymore, that it doesn't suit you like you thought it might? I have to tell you, that's really shitty of you and not to mention just the worst timing. If you want to go out and pursue other relationships or go back to the way you were before me, I will admit that it's a dumb plan and you're an idiot and this is really coming out of left field. I don't know what I did to scare you, maybe you finally realized just how deep you were in it."
"No!" Sebastian bent forward, attempting to push his denial onto Kurt by sheer vicinity if nothing else. "No, that's not... that's not it. I don't want to get out of this relationship with you." He gave in and his shoulders slumped, this was the worst proposal of the history of proposals. "I don't want to end the relationship with you. I'm just trying to share that I'm in this, deeply, and it gets deeper every day and I don't know how I could handle it if I were to lose you. I've never loved before and I don't think I'm capable of loving anyone else. I think you would be fine."
"Oh, Sebastian." Kurt leaned forward this time, his hand coming up and cupping Sebastian's cheek and pressed his lips to Sebastian's. "I love you and I wouldn't be fine if something happened to you. You are capable of love and if I were to die or something, you'd be able to love again, now that you know what it is."
"I don't think I would do anything drastic but I don't think I'd find love. Maybe a few sexual exploits but nothing anywhere near serious. You're it for me." Kurt had somehow wormed his way into Sebastian's psyche and he was there to stay. He bolted on the plan to ask Kurt to marry him tonight, he may be able to salvage the rest of the night but a proposal at the end of those kinds of comments would just be remiss. Kurt would think the proposal was out of desperation to hold onto the only one he could love, rather than wanting to expand that love and express it in different ways. He'd have to somehow erase this conversation from Kurt's memory before he tried again.
It had been months before the accident and he'd managed to erase that but Kurt probably thought his first instincts were right, Sebastian was running scared and attempting to push him away. It was the opposite actually, but Kurt was busy. That terrible day at work had been a snowball rolling down a very, very long hill. He barely saw Kurt those months that followed and when he did, they were always arguing. It was not what he'd wanted and Kurt was testy and exhausted and grumpy and everything Sebastian did seemed to rub Kurt wrong. Their anniversary hadn't been something Sebastian expected Kurt to make an effort for this year. Kurt had been stressed and barely home, when he came home, he attempted to sleep on the couch to avoid waking Sebastian up but after the third time that he'd fallen asleep on the couch and woken up in his bed, he'd realized he'd woken Sebastian anyway. He worked long hours and would go late into the night these days.
Sebastian had no idea what kind of fashion emergency would warrant such a thing. Even Isabelle's words to him hadn't been about what had been boiling beneath the surface and had exploded the night of his terrible attempt at proposing. Whatever it was could obviously be taken care of without Kurt, even before the accident, if she was willing to let him dictate new terms like staying in New York. Yet she had needed Kurt on that plane soothing over or doing whatever it was that he was doing who knew where. Kurt had gotten it done in record pace and was heading home. Sebastian shook his head, there were still so many things he had been dumb and blind to and it had all been willingly. Now he wished he'd paid far more attention when Kurt talked about his roles in the two companies he was part of.
"The rest of our night was fraught and taunt." Sebastian said to Kurt. "I wanted to tell you that I loved you and wanted to make you my husband so the world would know what I already felt in my heart and instead I fumbled and made you think that we were on the rocks. We were having difficulties but nothing that would turn me away. I knew you were going to be busy, incredibly busy before we even started dating. I had no intention of changing that, your drive and motivation were part of what had drawn me to you. I admired you for it, I still do. I just wanted to see you more. I wanted to celebrate our love with a big party and making it the most official possible and I made it sound like I was deranged and suicidal if you were to leave me and codependent on you. Well, I had a life before you and I'm pretty sure I could go back to living, perhaps not like that, and it would be hard every day but I would survive. Perhaps not as well as you would if our roles were reversed, but Kurt, I don't want it to be that way. I want to spend the rest of our lives together, doing things together, living, whatever that looks like now. I will be there for you no matter what happens when you finally come out of this. I'm not leaving your side when there's even the slimmest of possibilities of a life still with you, even if this is all it's all it's ever going to be. I hope it's not, but this isn't going to drive me away, nothing will short of you telling me to go."
"Sebastian – I – I didn't know."
Sebastian's head turned to the new voice, his eyes sad and tired, barely taking in the paunchy figure of Burt Hummel.
"You weren't supposed to be here for another hour."
"It's 8." Burt nodded toward the clock, Sebastian's story had taken two hours longer than he'd realized. "I didn't know this was your goal with my son, I didn't know you loved him like that."