XXXIIII

~ I had come into work early. Too early actually. I don't recall ever falling asleep and figured it was best to spend my time awake being productive instead of rolling around in bed.

I dropped off Becker and Koch's report on Mustang's desk as he wasn't in yet and was now in my office sitting at my desk with my head down using my arms as pillows. I hadn't realized I had drifted off to sleep until I was stirred awake by the smell of coffee.

I shoved myself up, sitting straight in my chair as I became aware that there was someone else in the office and found Becker sitting in one of the two chairs that sat in front of my desk. His eyes were wide with surprise from my sudden attentiveness, and I had to blink a few times to clear out the fog in my vision.

"Good morning, Colonel." He greeted with a small cautious smile. "Looks like you were snoozing pretty hard there." He added. I blinked a few more times as the haziness hasn't settled yet. Last night caught up to me by surprise and took me out. "Did you not go home last night?" I looked to him as I processed his question, taking one more moment before my brain finally caught up to the rest of my body.

"Yah. I went home. Got here real early though. What is this?" I scooted forward in my chair and peered into the steaming mug of dark liquid. I lowered my nose to see if that's where the scent of coffee was coming from and was relieved to smell the familiar scent of tea.

"A peace offering. For yesterday." He said after taking a sip from his mug. His must be filled with coffee and that's where the scent was coming from. I'm sure he was enjoying it, just as I was with my tea. We didn't always get the best quality of shipments, especially at our last location so I was enjoying myself a bit too much with what was provided here.

I glared at my hot mug as I noted that he didn't say anything about an apology, which is what I was looking for. Not necessarily an apology but more of a promise that he won't be so reckless in the future. Something around those lines. I brought my hand up to my eyes to rub them free of the sand that had built up from my sleep and I was reminded of the make-up that I had applied.

"Oh crap." I mumbled as I prayed I didn't smudge my eye liner. I was not used to wearing it anymore. Never had the time, patience, nor reason to. Now I do have the time and patience.

"What's wrong?" Becker asked. I just pointed to my eye and stood up from my desk in a huff to head to the bathroom so I could see if there was any damage. "You ok?" Becker turned in the chair, watching me leave. Clearly, he still had no clue what my issue was.

"Yah, I just need to fix something. Be right back." I said, turning to head down the hallway but was abruptly stopped by slamming my face into someone's chest.

"Whoa." Havoc's hands grabbed hold of my shoulders as we both steadied ourselves from the sudden impact. It wasn't a hard hit, but it was unexpected. I looked up to him as I caressed my nose, squeezing one eye shut waiting for the sharp pain from the direct hit to dull. "I guess that's one way to say good morning. You ok?" He asked, still holding onto me.

"Yah. Just gonna add this to the ever-growing list of why I should have stayed in bed today."

"Sounds about right. I have a growing list of my own." He said softly. "You're not bleeding are you?" He tilted his head as if he was trying to look around my hand. I pressed my fingers to the opening of my nose while taking a few breathes in and out. I checked my fingers and saw no blood.

"Doesn't look like it. Just smarts. Man, you got a hard chest." I rubbed my nose gently even though the pain was fully gone now.

"My bad?" He chuckled in confusion. "Guess I'll ease up on the chest workouts." He puffed out and I couldn't help but to roll my eyes with playful smile.

"Yah, I think you met your goal there. Anymore and you might actually turn into steel." I taunted him. "You ok?" I noticed he was a bit pale and had some pretty prominent dark circles under his eyes.

"Yah? Why?" He seemed amused.

"You sure? You look like you had a rough night?" I almost wasn't able to stop the urge from caressing his cheek. He kept his eyes to mine as they widened with surprise. My hand stopped in place, barely grazing his skin as I pulled it back, embarrassment building in my stomach. Guess it's true. Old habits do die hard.

"Breda and I stayed out longer than we should have. One too many drinks I guess, and I don't spring back like I used to." He said with a soft chuckle, after a moment too long of silence.

"Oh." I was staring at his chest, unable to bring myself to look at him again.

"Morning Colonel!" Fischer's sudden greeting surprised us both. He even pulled me in a little closer from the jolt we both did. We realize how close we were, and he released me faster than he grabbed me. Maybe the fact that we weren't so aware of our closeness was a good thing? Either way, it had Fischer eyeing us suspiciously. Thankfully Koch, who was right next to her, remained uninterested.

"Morning, Fischer. Morning Koch." I greeted them both. Koch gave a big yawn in reply and nodded his head sleepily when he was done. I noticed that Fischer was still eyeing both Havoc and I with a devilish smirk. Havoc shuffled nervously next to me before he excused himself and headed right into the office, Koch following right after him leaving us women and the questions I know she was about to get right into.

"What was that about?" Here we go.

"What are you talking about?" I wasn't exactly playing dumb. Because until she showed up, we were completely oblivious.

"I don't know. There was this vibe between the two of you…like…a sensual vibe." She wiggled her fingers around as if she was casting a spell. Clearly she was enjoying herself as I did my best to hide my discomfort.

"There you go with your imagination again." I shook my head and tried to play it off as being entertained.

"No. I'm not imagining anything. There was definitely something going on between you two. It was almost awkward to break you up…are you wearing make-up?" Her redirected question reminded me of the whole reason I stepped out in the first place. I took my hands and wiped under my eyes hoping it would fix the mess I'm sure was there. I restarted my way down the hall with a huff knowing that I needed to verify, heading for the bathrooms and she decided to tail me. "Since when do you wear make-up?" She asked excitedly.

"Would you calm down? I used to wear it all the time. I could ask you the same thing you know. It's not like we always had access to it and now that we do, I plan to take full advantage."

"Ok, you got a point. I just don't think I've ever seen you with it. Guess it caught me off guard."

"You didn't wear it that much either."

"True. Very true." We both entered the bathroom, and I went straight for a mirror, relieved that it wasn't as bad as I was imagining. I wetted a paper towel and dabbed at the small smudge, cleaning it up nicely. "Guess I was hoping you were trying to look nice for a certain Lt. Major." She smirked as she also checked herself out in the mirror.

"I'm not trying to look good for Havoc. I'm not trying to look good for anyone. Why can't I just doll myself up for myself? I don't have to look nice just for a man. Plus, it's more professional looking…I think?" I was going to get a complex if she kept this up.

"There's no judgement, Colonel. You two used to date right?" Her observation had me jolting a surprised look to her. She seemed confused by my reaction at first, before she remembered that I had been keeping that part of my life a secret.

"Who told you?" I asked carefully. It was probably Breda. Him and his big mouth.

"No one told me." She smiled gently. "It was way too obvious. The way you two kept looking at each other yesterday." She went back to herself in the mirror, not realizing how uneasy her words made me. I looked down to the sink in front of me, not knowing what to do with this information.

"You're seeing things." At least I was praying she was. I know that I've been battling with myself about my unresolved feelings before we had received the official orders to come back. However, I just can't bring myself to think that there's anything left of us for him.

"Please don't be one of those people that are going to stay oblivious when someone points out the obvious." Fischer rolled her eyes, turning around to lean on the sink that was now behind her.

"What about you and Koch?" This was probably dirty of me, but I couldn't stand another minute of this conversation. She went quiet for moment, and I knew I got her.

"What about Koch and me?" She asked carefully. I knew her heart was racing now, because that's what mine always did when people would ask about Havoc and me.

"If you want to talk about the obvious, then let talk about the obvious. You two aren't hiding your feelings for each other all that well." That was somewhat of a lie. It was so hard to read Koch most times, however, the few times I catch him looking at her just warms up my heart. It's the only times I've ever seen that stoic expression of his soften.

"I honestly don't know what you're talking about? Koch and I are just friends." She was clearly uncomfortable with the turn of conversation. Few times I've seen her go dead serious, and now was one of those times.

"Not so fun when you're the one in the spotlight?" As much as I didn't want to rub it in her face, it did feel a little good. Maybe this will be the last time she pries into my love life?

"Alright. I get your point. I'll keep my noise out of your business." Despite the sincerity in her expression, I knew better than to get my hopes up.

"I'm not holding my breath on that." I released a teasing laugh, making her pout in my doubt. I knew no matter what she would be poking around again sooner than later.

It was getting close to lunch time, and I was running almost on empty for energy. I had to stand up every few minutes and move around to prevent myself from falling asleep. Becker and Koch still haven't' returned from the sight that I had sent them to investigate. Apparently, a woman had gone missing from her home in the middle of the night with no trace of her. Mustang delivered the file right after the briefing with the team and wanted us to figure out what happened to her. Did she run away or was there something more to it? Maybe her husband had something to do with it? I was hoping Becker and Koch would show up soon so we could start putting things together with the information they were gathering.

I was starting to nod off again and I was seriously debating about going to the infirmary to lay down until the two of them returned. Wasn't much we could do until then anyways. The one thing that had me hesitant with the idea was the fear of having that nightmare again.

Nightmares were a common thing in the last few years, however, it's the ones that left the sensation of de ja vu that had me paranoid. Anytime I had dreams that left me with that sensation, always came to be true…and the nature of these nightmares had me hoping that this wasn't going to be the case.

"Excuse me?" The unfamiliar voice had me perking up in my chair and I saw Dr. Schuster in the doorway. She was holding a wicker basket with a cloth covering the top of it. We made eye contact and a small relief reflected in hers. "Oh good, this is the right place. Is Jean…" She took a few steps into the room and noticed Havoc sitting at a desk in the middle of a conversation with Breda. He promptly stood up, seeming surprised to see her.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" He walked over and stood all too closely to her.

"Sorry, I'm sure you're busy but…" She swiftly looked over to me before going back to him, taking the cloth off the basket to show him. "I made this for lunch today but made way too much so I was stopping by to give you some." She smiled sheepishly. The old 'I made too much so I'd see if you'd want some' ploy. I had to grind down to not roll my eyes her.

"Oh wow." He instantly drooled as she lifted the contents from the basket to hand to him. "It smells so good. Are you sure you want to share?" He asked but clearly wasn't intending to give any back.

"Of course. There's no way I will be able to eat it all so if you don't take it, it'll just go to waste."

"You're gonna share, right?" Breda came up from behind Havoc, peeping over to examine the food.

"You're crazy if you think you're getting any of this." Havoc and Breda went back and forth with each other as Dr. Schuster gleamed with joy.

It's no big deal, Abby. It's no problem or concern of yours if someone wants to bring him lunch. It doesn't bother you one bit…

Since it was lunch time I might as well take advantage and go get some food myself. Maybe I'll swing by and see if Hawkeye wants to keep me company? I stood and walked passed the trio, ignoring the stare Dr. Schuster held on me, when Hawkeye herself stuck her head in the room. Speak of the devil.

"You going to lunch?" She asked.

"Actually, I was just about to go find you to see if you wanted to join me."

"Talk about perfect timing." She smiled softly.

"I'd say." I returned with a quiet laugh.

"There's plenty there for you and then some. I don't see why you can't give me a little?" Breda rose his voice and Hawkeye looked over to the commotion.

"Because she didn't bring any for you. She brought it for me. Tell Becca to make you some lunch if you want some so bad." Havoc hollered back. I walked right up to Hawkeye, ignoring the banter and hooked my arm with hers to lead her away.

"What was that all about?" She asked, seeming amused by the uproar.

"She brought Havoc lunch and Breda wants him to share. I don't know. It's not my concern." I tried to play it off but the tightness in my chest made it hard. We entered the canteen and joined Catalina who was holding a spot for us in line.

"Just a heads up, there's a good possibility that your man will request you to make him lunch." I forewarned her right away.

"What are you talking about?" Catalina asked with an uncomfortable expression.

"Apparently, Anna brought Havoc some lunch and Breda's hounding him to share. Havoc told him to have you make him a lunch if he wanted some." Hawkeye finished explaining for me. I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised that Hawkeye knows Dr. Shuster by her first name. I feel each new day I'm reminded of how much I've been left behind. I know it's a natural thing…but it doesn't stop the small pain.

"You got to be kidding me. She actually went through with it?" Catalina tipped her head back in distress. Both Hawkeye and I stared at her, waiting for her to elaborate. When she looked back to us, it was apparent that she wasn't supposed to have said anything, which gave me the gut feeling this had something to do with me.

Catalina was hesitant before she said, "I didn't say anything ok?" Hawkeye and I both nodded in unison, and Catalina smirked with guilty amusement. "So, after you left last night, Anna was hounding Havoc with questions. She ended up asking me to walk her home and…well. Let's just say you really intimidated her."

"What? Me?" Surprised, I pointed to myself, while Hawkeye also looked to me, not seeming too surprised. "What did I do to intimidate her?"

"Come on. You're back for barely one day and she sees you sitting down having dinner with him? His ex. One that he's only talked highly about and left him devast-" Catalina pursed her lips, catching herself before she said too much. It was too late though. We all know what she was saying.

The line moved forward, and we each grabbed a tray moving down the assembly while the workers gave us our food, one by one. There was a tension in the air as we all knew this conversation wasn't over. I followed Catalina and Hawkeye to a table, setting our trays down and taking our seats.

"First of all, I want to establish that he invited me because he wants us to try to be friends and I agreed because I also want to try and be friends. I don't see a problem with that. Secondly, I asked him if he had a girlfriend and he said no. So, I'm confused as to what the issue is?" I know I sounded defensive and that's because I was. Catalina didn't bother to hide that she was frustrated.

"Look. I'm going to tell you exactly what I told them." She took a bite of her lunch and then pointed her fork right at me. I glared at it before coming back to her. "Whatever this all ends up being, Heyman and I are staying out of it. We aren't going to be taking sides. This is all going to be between the three of you." She stopped pointing at me to take another bite.

"That's fine because there's nothing going on. Especially between Havoc and I." I said as convincing as I could. Catalina shot me a sarcastic glare. Even Hawkeye eyed me like she was having a hard time believing.

"Clearly, before anything happens you need to figure out what you want. All I ask, Lovington, is that you don't hurt him again. I get why you did what you did 4 years ago…and I know everyone is tiptoeing around this, but I don't care. You need to hear this. You left." The intense guilt that solidified in my gut had me looking down at my untouched food as she continued on. "Right? You left and although there was good reason for it, you still left him, and he was a mess. He shot through rehab like it was nothing, but it was only because he was killing himself to stay distracted from the hurt of you. Even after rehab he shoved himself right back into uniform and went straight to Ishval to drown himself in the work there. I'm honestly surprised he never ended up hurting himself from it. So, before you come back into his life, you need to get yourself together and really figure out what you want. No lying to yourself or him." She really didn't hold back on her tone.

"We just want what's best for everyone in this predicament." Hawkeye placed her hand on my forearm, trying to ease the aggression. I nodded with understanding, taking a moment to reflect on how I was going to respond.

"For starters, I appreciate your honesty and concern. Weirdly enough, it moved me so I'm going to return the favor. All I can say with certainty, is that I'm not planning on anything. What I can say, with little to no certainty, and a whole lot of confusion, is that I'm not looking to get back together with him. I won't lie, and I hope you can understand how hard this is for me to say out loud, but I do still have feelings for him." I could see she was biting down on her tongue, waiting for me to finish my piece. "What those feelings are, I'm still trying to sort and figure out. Just know that until I do, I'm not going to put myself in any position to get in between them. If this Dr. Schuster is right for him, then I will stay out of their way. But…I've missed him." I tried to choke back the emotion that suddenly sprung into my voice as those words left my mouth.

I'm surprised with myself with the fact that my guard was down enough that I'm finally admitting these feelings that I've tried so hard to suppress all these years. "I've missed him every single day for the past four years, so yah. I'll probably try to at least be his friend…but if it's too much and if it's clear that it's best for us to not be involved even as friends, then I'll leave him alone to be with the doctor. I won't play any tricks or try to muscle my way between them. You have my word." I finished my declaration and tried to calm my pulse by taking a long drink of the water I grabbed.

Catalina stared at me, like she was trying to see if there was any bullshit to my statement. Hawkeye seemed surprised by the turn of conversation and how honest I was. It's true. I'm not known to be so open and vulnerable…but then again. I don't think any of us are. I think I was finally ready to open up and knowing that Hawkeye was here was a huge part in the factor to why I felt safe enough. Havoc wasn't the only one I've missed over the years.

"Ok. That's all I needed to hear." Catalina seemed satisfied and went back to her meal.

"Do you remember when General Mustang tried to set him up with Lt. Colonel Armstrong's sister?" Hawkeye offered this random memory. I'm sure she was desperate to change the topic. Surprisingly, my eyes widened in delight.

"Please…please tell me you're talking about The Ice Queen." I could not imagine Major General Olivia Armstrong being paired with Havoc…but the idea had me internally laughing.

"No." Hawkeye gave a soft chuckle. "Their other daughter. Catherine. She never joined the military. I hear she's a real beauty."

"Yah, Heyman said the same thing. Said Havoc didn't stand a chance and the girl shot the poor bastard down almost instantly." Catalina grinned.

"I had no idea the Armstrong's had another daughter. Is she prettier than Major General?" I couldn't imagine. Oliva was drop dead gorgeous despite the fact that she was the most intimidating woman I had ever met. I met her only once but that was enough. I'm fine with admiring her from a far.

"Don't know. But according to Havoc, she's a pretty good combination between the Lt. Colonel and Major General." Hawkeye added in the piece of information that I was trying way too hard to imagine. What I was picturing was anything but a beautiful young woman, but I couldn't veer away from it. Alex Armstrong…in a sundress. I slapped my hand to my mouth to hold in the burst of laughter that almost echoed through the rather quiet cafeteria.

"Why am I just picturing the Lt. Colonel in a dress?" Catalina mumbled almost to herself, but it released the fit of laughter that I was trying to hold in.

"I was picturing the same thing." I squeaked through tears, trying to calm myself down knowing that several other tables were looking our way. Catalina and Hawkeye joined in my laughter. After a moment too long we all settled down with a few giggles still escaping us. I wiped away a tear that had fallen from how hard I was laughing and remembered there was something I wanted to add to our previous topic.

"Sorry to back track but…going back to our previous conversation. About Havoc and the doctor and what not." I cleared my throat as I felt another fit of laughter try to crawl up as I reimagined Armstrong in a dress. No! I need to be serious now. "Just…just promise me one thing?" I looked to both Hawkeye and Catalina who were also trying to contain their laughter, both knowing that this was a different tune of topic. "You won't tell anyone what I said? What we talked about here, does not leave this table." I pointed down and tapped the table a few times catching each of their eyes to show how serious I was.

"Talked about what?" Hawkeye said with a knowing smirk, and it released some of the pressure that had built in my shoulders.

"Why wouldn't we tell them about this amazing…ambrosia?" Catalina examined the questionable glob on her tray. We all laughed softly with the new pact in place. After we get up, as far as any of us are concerned, this conversation didn't happen.

"Can we mention Armstrong in a sundress though?" Catalina asked and we bellowed in a new wave of laughter, irritating the other tables once again.

When I got back from lunch Breda and Havoc were gone but still no sign of Becker and Koch. The relief I felt was concerning but I didn't have much time to worry about it as I found a note with Mustang's awful handwriting sitting on my desk. He was reminding me that my annual re-certification was coming past due, and I needed to get it done ASAP.

Of all the things, this was something I didn't need right now. I had a dozen things already running through my mind, trying to process and separate as much as I could from my personal life and work life. Now I needed to figure this out as well.

I know exactly what I was going to show for it to get my certification renewed. It was practically fool proof. I never take this long to get it done, but this time…this time I was debating on whether I wanted to renew my State Alchemist certification or not. It had always been something I never needed to think about. I've never hesitated like this. I just don't know if the military life is for me anymore. I've went and done everything I wanted to do. I don't know if it was my age starting to get to me or…

I shook my head, trying to force that almost completed thought out and released the grip I had on my State watch. I accepted a while ago that settling down and starting a family wasn't going to be in the picture…but I couldn't help but fantasize about it. The biggest problem was who I have and still do fantasize being the one there by my side in the fantasies.

I knew I was going to spend most of my time figuring out if Havoc and I were needing to have a serious discussion. I can't shake the feeling that we do but…at the same time there wasn't any reason for it. Considering that he thinks last night was supposed to have taken care of any awkwardness between us.

The more I think about it though, the more it resonates with that we need to lay everything out in the open. Everything that we didn't say last night because we were still tiptoeing around each other the entire time. All our pain and unreleased anger needs to be brought out in the open and only then do I honestly believe that we can move forward. Both of us can have our closure. I'll know and hopefully be able to accept that there's nothing left for us and maybe I can start forgiving myself if he can tell me all the pain I caused him and that he, hopefully, forgives me for it.

Since everyone was still out for one reason or another, I decided to extend my lunch further and was going to get a therapy session in with a run.

Fifteen minutes later and I was walking back to the office, still in my gym clothes. I brought my own this time, so I wasn't in the military set. I wore my usual black leggings, but I found a blue sports bra that almost matched the military blue. It was a bit more pastel, and I couldn't pass up the unusual design. I did release my bun, so my hair swayed in a high ponytail behind me as I found Becker was finally back.

He kept his head down as I walked by to my desk, filling out what I assumed was the report on this missing woman. I found my water bottle that I left behind and took a deep long drink. I had hoped that he would be back and was happy that he was. I was wanting to get in a spar with him before I washed off all the sweat and changed back into my uniform.

"Hey, Becker." I said with a subtle hint of command in it. He grunted in response, letting me know that he was paying attention but wasn't going to pause what he was doing. I stared at him for a moment, giving him a chance to wrap up but when it was clear that he wasn't going to. I set my bottle down and walked over, standing to the side of his desk, leaning over to place both my hands on top of the flat surface. I skimmed what he was writing and realized that he was doing more than just the one report. "What's all this?" I asked, and for a second he glanced up to me before going right back to his writing.

"A report." He said dully.

"I can see that. But what's this one for?" I pointed to the second one that was halfway filled out.

"When we finished with Mr. Wagner, someone else came to us to report of another disappearance."

"What?"

"It all happened the same. Mr. Hoffman's wife also disappeared in the dead of night. No signs of a break in and no trace of any resistance either. She was just…gone."

"Weird?"

"Yah. Both husband have no idea what happened. Almost like both of them just walked out."

"You don't think they did? Just walk out?"

"Always the possibility but…I don't know. The husbands seem to believe it. The usual 'She would never do something like that' blah, blah."

"What do you think the likelihood of both of the husbands being in on it?" He finally paused to give it a thought but ended up shaking his head.

"Pretty unlikely I think. Neither of them gave me the impression but all the same, we shouldn't dismiss them as suspects. As we know, there's always the possibility." I nodded silently in agreement.

"I'll read the reports once you're done, and we can start an action plan. Is Koch done with his?" Now he was the one that responded with a silent nod, keeping his hand moving. I couldn't help but let a small smile slip on my lips.

It was so rare for him to be serious, and I always enjoyed this side of him. Unfortunately, when he gets like this, I tend to go the opposite and bring his usual, playful side back out. "Why don't you take a break and come spar with me?" I tried to bait him with the sweetness of my voice. It didn't work though as he didn't even give me grunt. My eyes slighted in a glare. Rank aside, I never appreciated getting ignored. "Come on. It'll do you some good." And me.

"Why is it every time I try to get some serious work done, you're always trying to distract me." Those sly eyes took me in for a second and then went right back to ignoring me.

"Well why do you always get serious when I want to play?" His hand stopped writing and raised his gaze, challenging me to say more. I held that stare, challenging him right back with a knowing smirk.

"Why don't you go ask Havoc to entertain you?" There was a bitterness to his tone that wiped my smirk right off my face. My body started to move before I gave myself time to think over the unexpected hurt I felt from what was implied. I gathered all the papers that were on his desk, the report he was working on included and before either of us had time to figure out what I was doing, I threw them all up in the air.

They cascaded down all over the place as Becker slowly looked from them to me in bewilderment. "You did not just do that." He said and the playful smirk crept back on my lips as I backed away from him, giving myself a straight shot at the exit. I raised my hands, shrugging as if asking him 'did I?'

"Winner has to clean up?" I laid the stakes down and bit my lower lip knowing all too well that I had him. I could see he wanted to argue. See that he was ready to tell me to go to hell but was also up for the task. He didn't move a muscle, but I still made the first move.

I sprinted for the exit, holding in a giggle as I saw him launch up in my peripheral. I lowered myself to slide out into the hallway, praying there were no on-comers that I would collide into. My prayers were almost not answered as I slide down to see Havoc freezing right next to the opening of the door as he watched me with wide eyes. I swear I went into slow motion as our eyes locked for what had to be only seconds before I returned all my focus to land my footing on the wall across from me to push off it to give myself momentum for my sprint down the hall.

I succeeded so smoothly that I impressed myself. Now I was dodging bystanders like my life depended on it, as I darted towards the main exit. People were cursing and yelling at me to slow down, one thing after the other as I burst through the double doors and skipped every other step as I ran down the entrance stairs.

Since I didn't hear Becker behind me, I decided to give myself a chance to check and confirmed that he indeed was nowhere in sight. I panted softly as I tried to figure out what his plan was, and it didn't take me long. I smiled knowing exactly where I needed to go.

I started my sprint again and ran around and along the building finding my office window. I stared straight ahead as I picked my pace up when I was getting closer. I yelped a laugh when Becker came out of nowhere, landing right in front of me from falling out what I figured was the office window. He tried to grab me quickly, but I was able to dip and dodge in time.

We continued this pursue as I managed to evade every attempt he made to catch me. This was typically how our matches went. Up until I've had enough of being chased and allowed myself to get close enough to him to land the first blow. He blocked it with little effort, attacking right away with the next move. We were going for quite a while, each of us getting a few decent hits but my focus was declining when I happened to spot Havoc watching us from the office window.

Becker was able to land a hard blow to my face. It almost knocked me on my ass before I was able to catch and steady myself. I heard a few on-looker's groan, hoot, and holler from the hit. I looked to Becker, wiping my lip from the strand of blood I felt sliding down from it.

"Good hit." I complimented him with a smile. He didn't return it. Anyone who didn't know him would think that he was angry with that sour expression of his, but I knew that look. He was overwhelmed with guilt.

"Only reason I didn't ease up was because you always block it." His eyes sank with concern, but he didn't know what to be concerned about. "It's not like you to lose focus like that?" His question had me looking to the office window, seeing Havoc almost leaning out of it. Becker followed my gaze, which brought me back to him. He looked to the ground and only nodded his head, as if he understood. Without saying another word, he dashed right to me, insistently continuing our fight.

My mind was no longer in it, and he knew. He attacked mercilessly hesitation. He landed every blow but there was tenderness with each contact. The rest of the fight didn't last long as Becker ended it with an obvious move, swiping my feet from under me. My back crashed on the ground, and he took no time to pin me, both of us panting from fatigue. He applied hard pressure, digging my wrist in the dirt as if he was anticipating me to shove him back. But I didn't. It was so clear that I lost, that I didn't even want to try. The cheers and grunts of disproval from the bystanders were muffled from the subtle ringing in my ears.

Neither of us moved. His troubled stare searing into me. I wanted to apologize. Wanted to explain but there was nothing. I never promised anything to him. As a matter of fact, it was always the opposite. So where was this guilt coming from?

"Colonel, what happened?" Fischer's voice calling out to us from a distance pulled us out of our trance. Becker eased on the pressure from my wrist but didn't release me.

"Should I give up?" The sad sincerity in his eyes had taken me aback. He knew the answer. I knew it too. So why wasn't saying it? Was I so desperate to have someone want me that I wouldn't free him? I could see hope glimmer in him with my hesitation and I could only look away in shame.

"It's about time, Becker. Your side of the scoreboard was starting to feel left out." Koch was approaching us with the notebook, that kept our wins in it, in his hands. "You still have a long ways to go before you even catch up though." That got Becker to grunt a laugh.

"Guess I have something to look forward to." Becker gave me teasing smirk before releasing me and stood to meet Koch before they both turned back to head inside. I stayed right where I was and looked to the sky.

All I've wanted or at least, all I ever thought I wanted, was for him to finally give up and move on. How many times have I told him that I was a lost cause and that we would never be together. He finally gives me what I wanted. Finally, is ready to accept and I couldn't say it. I panicked. Like him giving up was the end for me.

I don't know how long I've been laying here, but I needed to get up and shower off all the sweat and dirt. I needed to continue on with my day, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

"You ok?" Havoc's head hovered into my line of sight, pulling me out of my depressive spell. He just stared down at me, confused as to why I was taking so long.

"I'm fine." I whispered. He cocked his head while he took in my cheek and knelt down to graze it. I held my breath as my eyes widened from surprise.

"Looks like this hurts." His brows knitted with worry. The guilt continued to build in my gut, knowing that I didn't deserve any concern from him. I shook my head with a soft smile, his hand staying on my cheek.

"It doesn't."

"Really?" He had a hard time believing.

"I'm sure once the shock from me losing dissipates, the pain will seep right in." He didn't look any more convinced as I tried to dismiss the real pain.

"I'll take you to the infirmary." He finally took his hand away, resting it on his bent knee.

"It's ok. I'll be fine. I deserve it anyway."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" He didn't like that. I had to recover fast.

"I mean…I've kicked his ass so many times that I was pretty well overdo for my own ass beating so…" I pinched my lips shut, not know what else to say.

"I wouldn't say that means you deserved to get hit that hard. Does he normally do that?"

"Yah." I scoffed a laugh. "I'm normally more focused so he rarely ever lands a good hit like that. You should see the score book Koch has. I've left him in the dust."

"You lost because you weren't focused? What distracted you?" That's exactly what I needed to push myself up. I stood and dusted my butt and the back of my legs from any lingering dirt. He stayed kneeling, looking up to me as he waited for his question to be answered. I knew what I needed to do. I wasn't going to like it, but for once, I needed to be the brave one.

"Before you leave for the day, come see me. I need to talk to you about something. It's important."

"Ok? What's it about?" Now he stood, grunting on the way up and angled his head down to look at me.

"Let me take a shower first. I'll be able to think more clearly once I get all this sweat and dirt off me." I forced a quick chuckle, trying to hide the anxiety that was bubbling inside.

"I'll come find you then." He agreed as I walked past him heading for the building.

"The colonel is coming so if you don't she'll be sad." I was all clean and done with my shower, walking back into the office when I heard the end of what Fischer was saying. She was talking with Breda and Havoc but was directly looking at Havoc. Which paired with what I just heard her say had my stomach dropping.

"Excuse me?" My walls were up, and I had a bite in my tone.

"Oh perfect! Colonel, you're coming out with us tonight, right?" Fischer angled herself to me now, with hope dazzling in her eyes. Before I could answer, Becker came up from behind me and swung his arm around the front of my shoulders, brining me in close against his torso.

"Of course, she is." He knew better. He knew better than to answer for me.

"No, I'm not." I said sternly.

"Oh, come on. We all agreed we would once we all got settled." He gently shook me around as if doing so would get me to remember on the agreement. "We're all going to Bottle Grounds. I even invited some of my old buddies that I want you to meet."

"That only solidifies my answer even more." He gave me an over exaggerated look of betrayal that I couldn't help but playfully roll my eyes at. I was already breaking down. Fischer's puppy eyes weren't helping my resolve.

"Sorry guys, but I already have plans after work." Havoc pipped up, giving me a chance to rebuild my defense.

"And I already promised Becca that we'd have a night in together. We've been going out with friends a lot and we're needing a night with just ourselves." Breda also chimed in, but Fischer was more locked onto Havoc.

"Ooh. Plans with your girlfriend?" I took this moment to detach myself from Becker and headed for my desk to take another drink from my water bottle.

"Uh…" Havoc was about to learn how nosy Fischer is. I always thought she was even nosier than me and that's saying something. I think this but I'm grateful that she gave me the perfect opportunity to get some official answers. "No. I mean…She's not my girlfriend per say. But yes. I have plans with her."

"Per say?" Fischer's eyes narrowed with suspicious confusion. She might need more information but I had the confirmation on what I needed to do.

"Major Breda and Lt. Major Havoc. You're needed in Major General Grunenwald'soffice." A soldier that I did not know popped her head in, calling for the two men. They both stood up and Havoc seemed to be relieved to be freed of the grilling from Fischer.

"Hey Havoc." I called before he exited. He turned back to look at me as Breda continued on his way. "Don't forget. Before you leave for the day, come see me." With my serious tone, I could see that he was concerned as his eyebrows knitted together and he didn't crack a smile or a joke. Becker even lost the smirk he had been holding since I entered. Havoc only nodded his head signifying that he understood and walked out to catch up to Breda. "So, Bottle Grounds?" My interest in the meet up location brought the hope back into Fischer's eyes.

"Yes ma'am." She nodded cautiously as if any big movement would startle me. "7:30. Right?" She looked to Koch, who was sitting next to her, making sure she was correct. He nodded a few times and Fischer brought her attention back to me as she waited to hear me say that I would be going. I closed my eyes for a moment, bracing for what was about to happen.

"I'll see you there." I barely got my answer out before she squealed her victory cheer, running up to give me a hug. "I won't be staying long though." I forewarned.

"That's fine! I'm just glad you're finally agreeing. What are you going to wear? I'm coming over and we can figure it out together."

"No that's ok. I'm just gonna throw on some jeans." I always wear a black or white tank top under my uniform, so I'll just grab a jacket and call it good.

"What? No! You have to get dressed up with me. We're gonna go all out and have so much fun." She finally released me from the hug, ran over to her seat to grab her work bag and headed for the exit. "Don't worry Colonel, we'll figure it out. I'll swing by about 6:00 and I'll find the perfect outfit for you."

"Hold on, the day's not over yet Fischer." I hollered for her, but she was already out the door. I stared at the empty doorway in disbelief.

"I think I'll try and catch up with her to request a mini skirt." I shot a challenging glare to Becker.

"I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't already have that in mind." Koch chipped in and I swear I saw a hint of smirk. I shook my head not having the energy to respond my displeasure. I have no doubt that Fischer will come over. Maybe if I just ditch my uniform top, I can get away with not going home and head straight for the bar? I could also stay here longer and get more done. That way I could actually enjoy the weekend that's coming up.

"Don't sweat Colonel. You know she'll do you right and make you look hot." I had to roll my eyes to Becker's attempt at a compliment.

"You'll be lucky if I don't show up in uniform."

"Either way. Hot." He said with a knowing grin. I refused to let my cheeks get warm from that.

"I'm almost certain there's something the two of you are needing to get to, especially since Fischer abandoned her post."

"Yes ma'am." Becker stood with that grin still in place and Koch followed him out the door. I sat down at my desk, grabbing the first paper on top of the ever-growing pile. I was going to keep myself busy until Havoc came back. It was time we officially hashed everything out. ~

End of Chapter 34

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