2185_07_30
Today, dear friends, I write these words as a triumphant and felicitous volus! The blaggard I so decried to you before—the thief who deprived me of my daily sustenance— the one I spoke of in no uncertain terms, has been caught! By none other than I, Niftu Cal!
How did I effectuate my plan, you may ask? I shall share my methods with you, my dedicated reader. By careful daily observation of the miscreant's usual habits (which foodstuffs of mine he molested or did not molest), I ascertained the item most likely to capture their attention: a meal of stuffed, wild krintack, smothered in a viscous reduction of clotted fermu bile, and finished with a dusting of desiccated fermu liver-cheese.
For those unfamiliar vol-clan cuisine, krintack is a species of mega-grub native to Irune, with a dense, cartilaginous texture akin to a substance the Earth-clan call 'rubber'. Fermu bile is harvested directly from a special gland of the Irunian fermu, a now domesticated species of amphibious scavenger. While I feel obligated as a representative of my species to elucidate the finer points of volus epicureanism, I digress.
Having laid the ensnarement of krintack in the communal eating area, I then assembled a monitoring station concealed behind two dusty metal cans emblazoned with the word 'SPAM'. (I do not know what this 'SPAM' is, only that the cans are rumored to have been in the office long before Mr. For or Mr. Kir obtained possession of it). After synchronizing the monitoring station with my indispensable omnitool, I went about my daily procedures and feigned ignorance of any activity within the refectory, despite having witnessed several interactions I would characterize as undignified or unbecoming of a financial professional. (In one particular incident, Mr. Kir, who, also wanting to access the staff refrigerator, made contact with the firm buttocks of Ms. Erina T'salis, Mr. For's neophytic executive assistant. I can only assume the young asari must not have heard him speak to her first, for her head was lodged inside the refrigerator compartment in an attempt to locate a food item that had been unduly deposited to the back of the appliance. Perhaps the more professional approach would have been to tap her on the shoulder, or simply wait for her to move, rather than place a hand on her rear. Although, I must say, Ms. T'salis did react quite strongly. I must remember to be mindful of Ms. T'salis, for she must be very sensitive to stimuli.)
Again, I digress. Sometime in the vicinity of lunchtime, my omnitool alerted me to a motion in the communal eating area. On my screen, I spied Ms. Pem Ree at the refrigerator. I watched with rapt attention, keenly observing the item she was so slyly removing from its capacious shelves. There, in her fleshy fingers, was my silver meal container, gifted to me by my dear mother, adorned with my initials which had been specially embossed as a personal detail.
My friends, I cannot emphasize enough the vehemence with which I plodded into the lunchroom! I should have gone even faster had it not been for my legs (which, lamentably, are aberrantly short for volus of my stature). I besieged the room, determined to remonstrate with Ms. Ree for her unconscionable behavior. Confronting Ms. Ree, I pointed my finger at her and bellowed "THIEVERY! MALFEASANCE! SKULDUGGERY!"
Ms. Ree, as if not having seen nor heard me, extricated the lid from my container. Thrusting a utensil into the krintack, she proceeded to blithely place a morsel of the meal into her mammoth maw, masticating obstreperously whilst fixing her gaze upon me and nictitating at glacial speed. Shocked by her naked blatancy, I shuffled from the room, feeling vindicated that I had caught the assailant in the act. When I again confronted her as she returned to her station, she placed my now depleted container on my desktop and continued with her work.
I do not believe it prudent to take this matter above her head at this time—she is, after all, my direct supervisor and superior, and by all observations flawed in judgment owing to age—but I may not be left with alternate recourse if Ms. Ree does not, once again, receive my protest in earnest.