When Alba woke up that morning, she couldn't move.

The Doctor was wrapped around her like a creeping vine-his chin was nestled in the crook of her neck, his right arm was thrown over her side, his hand curled in a fist and resting between her breasts. His leg was thrown on top of and over hers, and he was most definitely poking her in the back. It was an especially comfortable position for her, but it wasn't awful, either. What made it terrible was the pressing urge to empty her bladder, which his leg putting weight on her wasn't helping. She attempted to wriggle out from underneath him, but he stirred and pulled her closer to him.

"Where do you think you're going?" he muttered sleepily in her ear.

"To the loo. Unless it's a fantasy of yours to have a golden shower in the morning, you should probably let me go," she warned.

"Ah...not as such, no. The door between the two chairs up there," he said, pointing somewhere that was vaguely in the direction of the ensuite.

"Yeah, process of elimination...only other door in here," she said, getting off the bed.

For some reason, this struck him as incredibly funny. He began to titter, which sounded a little like someone imitating a Frenchman. "So you used...process of elimination...to figure out where you go...for elimination?"

She just stared at him. "Are you thick?"

This only seemed to set him off further, as he erupted into peals of laughter. Evidently, the full effects of the 'special' cake hadn't worn off on him yet. That, or he'd completely lost it. "Oh, you have no idea. No idea how thick. I'm Mr. Thick Thickity Thickface from Thicktown, Thickannia. And so was my dad! He screwed me! Isn't that just wizard?"

iOh my God...he's actually, definitely lost it…/i she thought to herself with dismay. And she was locked in with him in his secret boudoir of doom. Trying to seem casual about it, she went and picked up her dress from the floor.

"I was thinking I might just wash up a bit. Shouldn't be too long. Think I've got some...stuff dried on parts of me," she said, the half-lie tripping off her tongue easily.

"Oh, I should think so. We were at it pretty hard last night," he said, nodding sagely. "You want me to come shower with you? And by shower, I mean eventually shower after we fuck first."

"Ah…?" she sputtered, caught like a deer in the headlights. She didn't want to make him suspicious, but she needed at least a few minutes alone with the water running to try and call or text Jack an SOS. "You know, that sounds lovely, but I just need a few minutes to use the loo and stuff. Gimme five?"

"Oh yeah, sure. That sounds good. I'm feeling kind of lazy, honestly, it might take me that long to peel myself out of bed anyway."

"Right. See you in a few!" she chirped with mock cheerfulness, ducking into the ensuite. She thought about locking it, but realized it would probably be pointless, what with his sonic door-opening man wand or whatever it was he'd used to open the lock last night. Instead, she went right to the big marble double-sink and turned the first set of taps on full blast. The loo was beyond the sinks and behind a marble divider wall, so she pushed the lid down and planted herself there. She flipped the mobile open and hit the SEND button, hoping desperately that Jack would answer on the first try.

"And the universe must be trying to keep me from sleep for some reason…." came a muttered response that she was sure she hadn't been intended to hear. Or maybe he just didn't care. "Rose? Hello, sorry, is everything alright over there?"

"No, everything is certainly not alright over here!" she hissed through the phone. "The Doctor is off his rocker! He's giggling about how his father screwed him, and how he's going to come in here in five minutes and try to screw me too! Although the terminology he used was quite a bit dirtier than that. It's weird...it's almost like he's saying exactly what's on his mind."

"Oooooohhhh," Jack drawled in understanding on the other end of the phone. "Rose, what did you make for dinner last night?"

"Jack...he's going to be in here in a few minutes! How is the fact that we had beef stew for dinner last night relevant to the conversation...oh, that's weird," she said. "I didn't mean to answer you, but it just sort of came out of me."

"Rose...did you get any herbs out of the Doctor's garden for the stew? Perhaps maybe one that looked and smelled like sage, but was more a purpley-lavender sort of color?"

"Yeah, I just thought it was a local variety of sage or something. It smelled and tasted nearly identical. Why?" she asked, dread settling into her stomach. "What was it if it wasn't sage?"

"Oh, it's still a variety of sage," Jack chuckled. "But it's...a very special hybrid variety that's crossed with a plant in the same family, and those plants are traditionally used to make truth serums. It was bred for use in espionage, so that you could put it on an enemy's food and get them to talk without arousing suspicion."

"What? How is it inconspicuous to go sprinkling purple sage all over someone's food at the table? And what kind of crazy person even has the time to crossbreed some crazy hybrid like that?" she asked.

"Um, it wasn't meant to be used at the table. Ideally, you'd get someone in the kitchen in on it and have them put it in the food before it would arrive at the table. Purple sage was typically used as a fragrant garnish on certain types of beef and lamb dishes, so it wasn't all that uncommon to see it sprinkled on top of things. That was another reason why it was brilliant, actually. The hybrid sage had a delayed effect-it wouldn't kick in usually until hours after it had been ingested, and the effect was somewhat subtle in most cases. And it was your future husband, the chemist iand/i botanist that crossbred it especially for use in espionage for that reason. They still use it today, he sells privately to a few old contacts of his. That's why he grows it still. He has both kinds in his garden though, and being him he wouldn't have labeled them to differentiate the two because he knows exactly where and what everything is. I guess he wasn't really thinking about Rose-proofing his flat when he started this whole venture..."

"Well...that makes complete sense," she replied without a hint of sarcasm in her voice. In that context, it did make complete sense. Kind of. "I don't know about the subtle part though, there was definitely nothing subtle about himself, his erection, and the way he told me he was going to fuck me in here. What the hell kind of job did he have that he was designing crazy things like that anyway?"

"Well, why don't you ask him yourself? But do it quickly, because the effects of the hybrid purple sage only last for about twelve hours, give or take a few hours either way depending on how much you used. Keep in mind though, he's still going to remember anything you ask him, so whatever you do, phrase your questions carefully! But now would be a good time to ask him anything that's absolutely burning you, because once he realizes what's happened, he'll probably never let you in there unsupervised again. You wouldn't have known any better, but that's exactly why you shouldn't be going in the greenhouse alone. Oh my God...Rose...you have no idea what you've done," Jack said, and he sounded more gleeful than concerned.

"What have I done then, Jack?" she asked with trepidation.

"You gave yourself a free pass almost. The truth sage isn't always one-hundred percent, but it's almost impossible to directly lie while under the influence of it. So go ahead...think about what you want to ask him. Just be careful...and choose wisely. And Rose...I wouldn't expect it will take him long to figure out what-"

She could hear the Doctor rattling the door to the ensuite then.

"Jack, I gotta go," she whispered, shutting the phone and sliding it out of view, behind the decorative concealment basket with the plunger and toilet brush in it. She flushed the toilet, and got up hastily.

"And here you said you were feeling lazy. You got here a lot quicker than I would have anticipated," she said, trying to hide how nervous she suddenly felt.

If what Jack had said on the phone was true, then she had her own reasons to be careful. The Doctor had bred the herb, had to be familiar enough with it to realize the culinary misadventure that had taken place. He probably realized what had happened, but he wouldn't suspect that she had reason to know what was going on. He would probably be more on his guard, but he might also try to turn it to his advantage, asking her questions instead. She was afraid of what might happen if he asked her how she liked it here, or how she felt about him. She was afraid of what she might say in response if he did ask her those things. She had to stall him, give the herb time to wear off. She didn't think it could be too much longer now.

"Hmm, well, I had thoughts of your naked body to motivate me," he said cheekily, moving to meet her in front of the marble sinks.

"I know, it seems like whenever we're together, you can't get enough of my naked body. When we have sex, do you think about that other woman? The one you said I remind you of," she blurted out.

She didn't even know how to describe the expression on the Doctor's face. Gobsmacked didn't fit, because he didn't seem surprised by the question. He just seemed unable to form a response. "Well….as it stands...the way that things are...sometimes you know how the mind wanders at times, even when you aren't trying to let it and...maybe some of the time, yeah."

"Whoever she was, she must have fucked you up something fierce if you're thinking about her still when you're with other women. Really bad divorce?" she asked, deliberately obscuring the questions she really wanted to ask with more innocuous ones likely to lead to the answers she wanted.

"I'm not divorced," the Doctor said, and Alba realized she had to be more careful and more specific in the way she phrased her questions. He was still technically telling her the truth, although she thought that a lie by omission was still a lie of sorts. "But enough with the questions, I can think of other things I'd rather you were doing with your mouth right now."

"Not divorced? So I guess this is your first marriage, then. Mine too," Alba said, holding her breath as she waited to see how he'd respond.

"Ah….it's not the first time I've been married," he muttered lowly, looking at the floor. "But that was a long time ago, and it doesn't matter right now."

Before she could try to distract him with further questions, he was wrapping his arms around her and pressing his lips against her own, thrusting his tongue into her mouth. She felt panicked at the thought that she might not get to ask him any more questions, that he was deliberately trying to get her preoccupied so that she couldn't ask him anything else. Still, she had gotten him to admit that he had been married before, and even if they didn't discuss it right now, she at least had the in she needed for a conversation later. Whether he would willingly answer her questions later was another matter entirely, but she could at least hope. She felt the urgency though to keep pressing him for answers, even if it did infuriate him. If he couldn't help but tell her the truth, it was worth the consequences, she thought. So long as he didn't realize what she was doing.

"Are you using sex as a means to avoid having meaningful conversations with me? Because I feel like that's all we ever do," she said, pulling away from him.

"What?" he said, looking at her aghast. "No! Well...maybe a little bit. But mostly I like having sex with you because I find you sexy and attractive. Definitely mostly that. Maybe...maybe I should let you have your shower in peace."

He ducked out the ensuite door, and she knew that her chance was lost. She had no doubts that if he wanted to flee to avoid her questions, he could and would. She was just amazed that she had managed to outfox him several times, to keep the questions focused on him. She certainly had ammunition to start a couple interesting conversations later on, if he would even engage her far enough that she could try. Her stomach tightened, as it occurred to her that he might just push her away in response to having his secrets unintentionally revealed.

"I hope it was worth it," she muttered to herself. And not wanting to let on that anything was wrong, she turned on the shower and went about her routine as if nothing strange at all had just happened there. Like she hadn't just blown a perfectly good opportunity to gather more information. Maybe she hadn't been subtle enough...

All the same, she was starting to feel a bit like she lived in an insane asylum. But if he was the mad Doctor, what exactly did that make her?