Monday was difficult for Atem. He'd spent the remainder of the weekend trying not to think about Seto, which only resulted in his thinking about Seto almost continuously. Now he had to somehow manage to ignore the man in his presence. Right.
Meanwhile, Seto was somewhat more at ease, having identified his issue and taken care of it over the weekend. Having caught up on sleep and, his bruises now significantly faded, facing the usual annoyances of school life was much simpler. Still, he couldn't quite dismiss the memory of kissing Atem from his mind once the KaibaCorp event was complete. At certain times, it proved to be an especially tenacious image.
As he closed his locker door, he half-expected Atem to appear with some excuse or apology, but he was nowhere to be seen. Seto felt some twinge of emotion that he identified as relief.
The lunch period found Seto seated in the robotics lab as usual, pursuing a new tack on the problem that he'd assigned himself. Finally he seemed to be making progress again after a week of fruitless setbacks.
"Well, well. It seems as though you're no worse for wear."
Without looking up, Seto said, "Otogi." He finished his current soldering task and gave him the same sort of look he would a fly he was about to swat. "Did you come just to check on my bruises? How kind of you. Oh, did you stop by the KaibaCorp event this weekend? It was very successful. I can send you the press clippings if you'd like."
Otogi's expression turned a little sour. "No, that's all right, I was there. Congratulations."
"Oh, yes, doesn't your father have a major title coming out this Christmas season? I hope our offerings won't overshadow his too much."
"I'm sure we can all share the market," Otogi growled.
"Thank goodness all those pranks last week didn't distract me from my event," Seto said, taking his tone light and jovial, "because I'd hate to have to go on the offensive. You know, I never really got around to showing you what I could do in our little contest, but if you'd like a demonstration of how I could make your life miserable—"
"That won't be necessary," Otogi hastened to say.
"Are you sure? Because it just doesn't seem quite fair to leave you in the dark, and it would be no trouble to—"
"No, the speed with which you squelched the internet campaigns were evidence enough of what you can do."
"I don't think so. But I don't suppose you want to see what I can come up with if I engage my imagination," Seto mused, "fun as that might be." He looked up from his work to look Otogi directly in the eye. "If you don't want to find out what I will do when I'm sufficiently motivated—to you or to your family business—don't ever cross me again. In any way."
He returned his attention to his work, picking up his soldering iron. Otogi, effectively dismissed, hurried to get himself out of the lab. But before he could get to the door, Seto added, "Oh, and Otogi?" halting him in his tracks.
"You won't ever mess with Motou again either. Not if you know what's good for you."
Without looking back, Otogi nodded and scuttled out the door, leaving Seto wondering why he'd added that particular codicil. Was it simply because Atem had caused him so much trouble?
"That has to be it," he muttered, putting his tools down. He leaned back and started going over his design and comparing it with his work, making sure that everything was in order.
And then there the classes that he shared with Atem, history, then calculus. Calculus wouldn't be too bad because Atem sat several seats away, but he sat in the next seat in history.
That had never been a problem until last week, Seto thought, frustrated. But now he approached the class with some trepidation. Last week he'd been a bit concerned what Atem would do, but now he had the additional concern that he couldn't quite trust himself.
His own reaction when he'd tried kissing Atem hadn't been what he'd expected. He'd told himself all Sunday that it was just sexual frustration that had resulted in such a strong reaction, but, in the end, he couldn't be completely sure.
So, there he was, sitting in his seat in history class, waiting for Atem to arrive, with those thoughts circulating through his brain, not making his life any easier.
When Atem finally did arrive, he didn't try to talk to Seto, but simply continued the rather vapid conversation that he was engaged in with Jounouchi. Seto tried to tell himself that he was relieved, but he wasn't entirely convinced. But it was better that way; otherwise he wouldn't be able to concentrate on the subject matter at all.
And it was boring as all get-out. They had progressed through the industrial revolution and were tackling the factors leading up to the First World War. Seto was very glad that Mr Yakimura had called on Atem this time and he was going on (and on) about instability in the Austro-Hungarian empire and fears of Slavic unrest and ambition. To Seto, a lot of it was nebulous and speculative. There were a lot of reasons for it, and, ultimately no reason … just like a lot of really bad things that happen all the time. If you don't know what to do, you just start punching, right? Like Ushio.
He wondered if Mr Yakimura would like that answer. Probably not.
But the tediousness of the subject and the fact that Atem had to go on so long about it wasn't altogether good because Seto's mind was tempted to wander. And, especially with Atem's voice droning on, the place it wanted to wander back to was the kiss they'd shared on Saturday. Repeatedly, Seto pushed the thought from his mind only to find it the center of his attention.
I really don't care about Serbian nationality groups of the early 20th century … The revisions to the partnership contract with Industrial Illusions should be ready about now. Atem did well with him, despite his machinations. Funny how Pegasus caught on to his "issue" right away and attempted to use it to distract me. … Could he have been right? No, not even Atem thought—but when Atem—wait, I am not thinking about that! … The Ausgleich? This is so boring!
By the time he got up to go to Calculus, he was sure he'd been sitting in history class for at least three hours. His head was splitting.
On the way home from school in the limo, Seto thought it over. Now that Atem had stuck that idea in his head, it was hard to just let it go and go back to normal. Was it that Atem had just stirred things up, or was it Atem specifically? He wasn't really used to thinking about people he knew—not in that way, anyway—girl or guy. But now, Atem … Did this mean he was gay? Or was it just that Atem had kissed him?
Other than the fact that this sort of threw his assumptions off, he couldn't help but wonder how it might interfere with business. (Did this sort of thing ever bother someone like Pegasus?)
But what if it was just that he'd just been incorrect in the assumption that he could get along just fine without a partner at least until he'd gotten out of school? Juggling business and school was so demanding that he didn't even want to consider adding something like—and how he hated the term!—a "relationship."
Of course, what if it was just sex that he craved and he wasn't particular about his partner? Seto didn't like that idea very much; he'd always considered himself rather discriminating, after all—wouldn't only the best do? But what if he had inadvertently placed himself in a position where he was, in a sense, starving? Then his reaction to Atem would be the only response he was capable of.
Another possibility was that he was gay and Atem was his type. This carried its own major downside as far as Seto was concerned. First, Atem had forced all this on him! He was still majorly pissed off about that and he couldn't figure out a way to forgive Atem for it. Even throwing him to Ushio for a sound thrashing wouldn't really do it. Second, say they got together in a "real relationship;" how was he going to find the time for it? He wasn't getting enough sleep as it was. Plus Mokuba was already getting shorted.
Seto growled. This would be much better if it was just about sex and he could solve everything with a quickie every couple of weeks.
He arrived at home still unable to work it out. With business to catch up on and Mokuba to tend to, he decided to just sleep on it.
… Which left with far too much on his mind to distract him during school the next day. And school wasn't demanding enough to absorb him enough to relieve his mind.
"Are you all right, Kaiba?" asked Bakura in chemistry lab.
"I'm fine."
"You seem distracted. If you want me to run the experiment—"
"No, I'm fine. The procedure for this experiment is simple …" he began, then it hit him. "Experiment! That's exactly what I should do."
"Kaiba?"
"Nothing, Bakura. It doesn't have to do with class. Now, for the titration …" Suddenly, it was easier to focus. He could test his theories experimentally—and he didn't even have to be overt about it. The best thing is that it would all fit into his company schedule. They were even planning an event that would work. It had been planned for next year, but there was small gaming conference scheduled for the next weekend that would work for it. He could kill two birds with one stone.
Seto pulled out his cell and quickly looked up the contact. In only a few minutes he'd made all the arrangements. And the best thing about it was that it was for the coming weekend.
The very fact that he'd planned the experiment for the weekend made the rest of the week go a little more easily. Seeing Atem every day was still difficult, but at least he could tell himself that he might find an alternate outlet for the tension that he seemed to cause.
The one thing he couldn't help wondering is whether Atem really believed that everything had settled back to normal so easily. He glanced at him occasionally out of the corner of his eye, but mostly he seemed to be paying attention to class. Once or twice he thought he might have caught him glancing back, but it was just a swift impression that he thought was probably his imagination—all part of the weird feeling that Atem gave him just by being around.
At last the weekend came, bringing with it Domino's Fall Gaming Conference. It was just the quarterly city conference, not a big deal like the Spring Gaming Convention, but it was the largest quarterly, coming as it did right before Christmas. With all the gaming companies bringing their latest to show to the hard-core gaming consumer, the turnout would be larger than usual.
Even without his experiment, Seto was pleased that he'd decided to reschedule the focus group for female gamers to this conference. It would be a good way to gather input and get some prototypes together for the convention. He'd put the burden on the focus group planner, but it had been in the works for some time, so it wasn't like they'd come in unprepared. Of course, the facilitator probably hadn't planned on having Kaiba sitting in the back of the room.
Nevertheless, it didn't take long for everyone to become engaged and the conversation to take off as though he wasn't there. It gave Seto ample time to observe the group. Indeed, as he'd predicted, the focus group had drawn a good number of well-known female gamers. Several duel monsters champions were present, including Kujaku Mai, Vivian Wong, and Rebecca Hawkins.
Seto had always considered Vivian Wong a bit aggressive. She had already made her interest known to him in no uncertain terms. He wasn't sure whether she rated him as a catch for his wealth or gaming ability, but either way, she was more than a little heavy-handed. And when any male gamer happened to mention Mai to Seto, they generally mentioned their lustful desires for her somewhere in the same conversation. When she spoke up, he took the opportunity to observe her closely. To be honest, although he appreciated her forthright attitude, he found her a bit brassy.
By the end of the focus group, he found himself far more pleased by the data that he was getting than the attendees. Why weren't they more interesting?
At last the facilitator asked that everyone join them at the KaibaCorp-hosted party.
Elsewhere at the gathering, Atem eagerly went over all the new offerings with Jounouchi. In the back of his mind, he was sure he heard his conscience (which sounded an awful lot like Honda, for some reason) telling him that he was here hoping to glimpse Kaiba Seto, if only whilst plugging his company's wares during the inevitable KaibaCorp presentation. Fortunately, Jounouchi's enthusiastic narration drowned most of those warning voices out.
"Hey, look! Look!" Jounouchi was saying as he pointed toward a table in a corner. "They've got the new version of the Black Helicopter Invasion board game out for hands-on demo! Wanna try it?"
"Ok, why not?" Atem said, looking around the hall.
Jounouchi dragged him over. "You lookin' for someone?" he asked. "Or maybe tryin' to avoid someone? I don't know who you'd be tryin' to duck, though."
"No, nothing like that. I thought Bakura might show up," he fibbed.
"Bakura? Yeah, that would be likely, huh? He's really into RPGs."
As much as he'd told himself that he wasn't here for Kaiba and he didn't want to get himself in Kaiba's way, sitting in a remote corner for an extended period still got on his nerves. He and Jounouchi ended up playing for a while, drawing a little crowd of onlookers. As happy as that made the manufacturer, it bothered Atem to spend so much time on it. And with all those people standing around, he couldn't see anything at all.
But Jounouchi was in heaven. "Can you believe that they gave us 30% off coupons?" he smiled.
"With all the help we gave them, they should give us a free copy of the game," growled Atem. If he hadn't been so happy to get away, he would have negotiated for one.
"You think so?" said Jounouchi, looking back wistfully.
"We even missed most of the product announcements," complained Atem.
"Didn't you see the ones for KaibaCorp and Industrial Illusions already?"
"Well, mostly, but I wanted to see if there was anything new or if there were any special promotions for the conference." Or if I could see how Seto's doing, he thought. "They're going to throw a free cocktail party tonight," he said. "It's only an hour or so from now. Let's go to it." So I can maybe have another chance to see Kaiba.
"But they're not going to serve us liquor!"
"They have a special area for underage kids that serves sodas and things. And there's food."
"Food?! Why didn't you say so in the first place?! Of course we're stayin'." Jounouchi looked around. "Where did you say this thing was? And snooty Kaiba's actually throwing this wingding?"
"Kaiba's not so bad. Besides, it's good for business."
The cocktail party was very well attended. Free food was popular, but free drinks were even more popular. Even with a huge number of underage attendees, there were enough adults to keep the bartenders busy.
A large proportion of the focus group accompanied Seto to the party, spreading out as he approached the bar. Seto was greatly annoyed because he was having a difficult time detaching Vivian Wong from his arm. "I'd really love a guided tour of KaibaCorp some time," she said, looking up at him.
Seto beckoned toward his team, and Isono walked over. "Isono, could you have one of the men show this young lady around the KaibaCorp building? The basic tour. Thanks."
"Uh, Seto—" But Isono had already peeled her away and was introducing her to a young man in a well-tailored suit.
Seto sighed in relief and stepped to the bar, where he was greeted by an iced tea and a chuckle. The iced tea was waiting for him, prepared by the vigilant bartender; the chuckle came from an amused Kujaku Mai. "She's very persistent, Kaiba," she said, waving her mojito in Vivian's general direction. "Be careful, or she might undertake an all-out assault on your house."
"I don't like to be attacked," Kaiba said.
"Ah, you make it sound like you're not entirely off the market, then?" Mai gave him a flirtatious smile. "Don't worry, I'm not asking you to marry me!"
"That's good. You do realize I'm still in high school."
"And doesn't that make Viv scary?" Mai laughed. "Yeah, you're a looker, but I'd say you're a bit young for me."
"Hn. Thanks, I think."
"Aw, you can take a compliment for your looks as well as your brains, you know. You have to be aware that you're a good-looking guy."
Seto shrugged. "I haven't really thought about it that much. I'm a busy man—"
"That's right, the articles say that you don't even date."
Seto blinked. "The magazines report on that?"
"You obviously don't read the right magazines."
"I think it's because I do read the right magazines. I don't read the wrong magazines."
"Have it your way." Mai looked as though a lightbulb suddenly lit up above her head. "You don't really have much time to socialize, do you? Do you want me to set you up with someone? I'm sure I know someone closer to your age who you might hit it off with. A duelist, maybe?"
"I'm beginning to wonder if that's a good idea." He sighed. "She'd have to be intelligent, and … why am I discussing this with you?"
"Oh, I don't know, because you don't have anyone to talk with about it, maybe?" Mai signaled to the bartender. "Here, come on. Come to a table and talk it over with me and see if I can't help you out a little. I promise I won't spill to reporters! Hell, you can do all sorts of good for me professionally, or at least give me gaming stuff, so why would I narc on you?"
Seto didn't know how she could help, but she was right about one thing. He really didn't have anyone to talk to about it. Mokuba certainly wouldn't have any useful advice, and talking to him would only prove embarrassing. And how could he talk to Isono? He was an employee. Talking to Atem was definitely out. His options were limited at best. So … "All right," he sighed, and followed her to a table.
Atem and Jounouchi entered just in time to see Kaiba and Mai sitting down at a table together. "Damn, the rich boys have all the luck!" Jounouchi exclaimed, gesturing toward the secluded corner they'd retreated into.
Atem looked at Seto and Mai sitting with their heads close together, and his heart sank a little. He knew that Mai was a few years older than they were and wondered whether she could really have a serious interest in him. He did know that she had a little blue convertible—and that she had a reputation for using her considerable endowments to extract value from her dates—so she could conceivably be seriously interested in his bank account. There were a lot of women who would marry him simply because he was a billionaire—and then there was the fact that he was a devastatingly handsome billionaire …
He sighed. "You OK?" Jounouchi asked.
"Uh, just agreeing with you. Some people have all the luck." —like Mai, he added in his head. "Let's pick up that food," he said.
Jounouchi headed out to the spread of snacks and loaded down a veritable platter of sliders, chicken wings, eggrolls, and various other bar food specialties. He found a table where Atem met him with two sodas. "At least you have your priorities straight," Atem said.
"Yep. But I wouldn't mind dating a gal like Mai. Can you say 'hot'?"
Atem looked toward the table. "Oh, yeah," he said.
"I have dibs," Jounouchi said.
"Hm?"
"Dibs. On Mai."
"Sure. Fine." Atem forced his eyes off the couple and onto the pile of food. He picked up a chicken wing.
"Hey, that's mine!"
"You can get more."
"Hey, you two!" Another huge plate of food and soda appeared on the table. "I got this for you," said Anzu.
In the corner, Mai pushed one of the two mojitos that she'd ordered toward Seto. "Drink this," she said.
"I did mention that I'm underage," he said.
"You did, but you're Kaiba Seto. Tell me you don't have access to alcohol if you want it." She shrugged. "Alcohol helps friendships along, Kaiba. It loosens inhibitions so that you can talk a little more freely. Don't tell me you can't use a little loosening up!"
"I'm happy un-loosened, thank you."
"I'm not asking you to get drunk, Kaiba, just …"
"Loosened," Seto grimaced, eying the mojito.
"Yeah, loosened. Come on, how can I help you if I don't know what you want? You said you needed someone to talk to."
"I don't recall actually saying anything like that, and I'm beginning to get the feeling that this was a mistake." Seto was positively glaring at the mojito now. Wasn't the idea to be around some attractive girls and see how he felt? Right now he felt distinctly uncomfortable. He looked up at Mai, his brows knitted. She was an extremely attractive woman, yet she'd claimed to feel little attraction toward him, and the feeling was pretty much mutual. He looked at the mojito again. It wasn't as if he'd never tasted alcohol. He took a sip. The cocktail was sweet, perhaps overly sweet. Still, he drained the glass.
"Not all at once, honey!" Mai said, rushing to put a hand on Seto's. "You want to loosen up, not melt all over the floor."
"It's just one cocktail. I'm not going to drink out the bar."
"Well, let's stop here for now. Anyway, Kaiba, why I wanted to talk. Yeah. It just seemed to me that the signals you were putting out were just a little … confusing."
"Confusing?" Seto's frowned slightly. "And—"
"Like you want the company, only at the same time, you sort of don't—you know what I mean? And," she shrugged, "I actually sort of get that."
"You get that? I'm not sure I do."
"No, really. It's easy for me to attract male attention, I mean really easy. But they're not really interested in me, if you know what I mean." She rolled her eyes. "It would be false modesty for me to pretend that I don't know I'm a good-looking woman. Men want to be with me. But another good-looking woman would be just as good as far as they're concerned—probably better, because that woman probably wouldn't be as smart or as willing to take advantage of their weaknesses. I'm one cynical bitch, pardon my language."
"And how does that make us anything alike?" Seto demanded, annoyed. He hardly did the same thing that she was describing.
"What I'm saying is you attract people, whether it's with your money or your looks. Hell, it could be brains or power for that matter. But, the thing is, none of these people are attracted to Kaiba Seto, they're attracted to that rich dude, or that handsome dude, or whatever. You get me?"
"Hn. But you don't want to date me."
She shrugged. "Normally, someone with a bank balance like yours? I'd have been around long before now."
"But I'm … too young?"
She smiled. "For one thing. Also, you don't strike me as the sort of guy who just goes out and sleeps around."
"Of course not!"
"But weren't you thinking about a short-term thing, just for tonight?"
Seto's eyes widened in surprise. He couldn't help it. How could she be so close?
"Don't worry about it," she said. "It really isn't obvious, if that's what you're worried about. I'm good at this sort of thing because … well, I take advantage of men. And, like I said, I'm not interested in taking advantage of you."
Seto frowned again, trying to understand it. "But if I'm also taking advantage of the situation, then …"
She chuckled. "I really don't think you know what you're getting into. Besides, why would I want to spoil a good thing?"
"What do you mean?"
"I guess you might not know. I've been involved with focus groups and beta testing for KaibaCorp for some time. Plus there's the invites to tournaments. KaibaCorp has treated me pretty well. If I messed with you, all that would be shot to hell, wouldn't it?"
"I don't suppose it would improve things."
"Anyway, I don't think you really want to date me anyway."
"And why do you say that?"
"Simply because with all of these functions and times I've met you at KaibaCorp—and dealing at the casino—I'm always dressed something like this," she waved a hand along her curvaceous body like a model indicating a "New Car!" Seto recalled that, yes, she usually wore bustiers and extremely brief miniskirts. "I don't think that in all that time you've once looked me over. In my experience, that usually means a man has very strict girlfriend monitoring him or …"
Seto sighed. It was clear what she was getting at. Or isn't interested in women at all. Really? How could it be that obvious to her when it wasn't very obvious to him? Was it just that he hadn't been interested in anyone and just assumed that the right woman hadn't come along?
Across from him, Mai shrugged and said, "Besides, you sent Viv packing. And she would have made for an easy night's pleasure—with adequate precaution, of course!"
When the waiter delivered Mai's next mojito, Seto grabbed it and took a large gulp. "Get Ms Kujaku another," he said.
"Oh, Kaiba, it isn't like you …" she stopped and stared at him for a long moment. "You really didn't know."
Seto scowled back at her. "It's not like I've had a lot of free time to date or daydream about my ideal mate."
"Come now," she said. "I mean, you're a man! Just looking around, don't you know—"
"I'm not some lout who automatically drools when someone waves any scrap of meat under my nose!" He sighed. "I expected that when I met the right woman …" His scowl intensified. "I expected it to be a woman." Fuck. Hadn't he actually put all his attention on Mokuba, his business, and school? Just dealing with Gozuburo and surviving—getting the company into shape—he hadn't really thought beyond that at all. He finished off the purloined mojito and placed it on the table, where it reflected his melancholy gaze.
"Well, I suppose you could be immune to my charms," she allowed doubtfully. "But from what you say, I'm guessing that you need some sort of connection to get your motor running, no matter what. So I'm not sure whether it would do any good to set you up anyway."
"What are you saying?"
"If it's taking you this long to figure things out, you need to find a very specific type of person." She leaned across the table. "You don't kid around, Kaiba. You need to fall in love."
"I …" Seto stared back at her, a little shocked. Just then, a waiter breezed by, depositing a mojito in front of Mai. Seto downed it.
"Hey!" Mai protested, then she changed her mind and waved it off, saying, "Never mind, you probably need it more than I do. If you're still interested, though, I can try setting you up with someone," she pulled out her phone and started fiddling with it. "Hm …"
Seto took another gulp of the purloined mojito and looked around the room at the crowd as Mai absorbed herself in her gadget. Could she be right? Did that mean that Atem …? Surely not.
Just then, as though his thoughts caused him to appear, Seto caught sight of Atem's unmistakable hair near the door. He was chatting amiably with a group of his friends. So typical, Seto thought. That blond kid and this time the girl with the huge bustline. Anzu, was it? She seemed to have just arrived, standing next to the table. As his attention drew in, the girl drew in, she leaned over—no doubt Atem could see right into her blouse—and hugged him.
Seto's heart lurched unaccountably.
"… I'm sure that he'd be happy to meet you, and—" Mai was saying, but Seto suddenly stood up.
"I have to go," he said.
"Are you sure? He's very smart, like you, and—"
"Maybe some other time. I have to go." He found himself half-stumbling down two steps from the level of tables where they were seated as Mai told him it was quite all right somewhere in the background. He wasn't sure what he was going to do.
And he didn't find out because at that moment he ran into a solid body.
"Hello Kaiba-boy!"
Shit.
"Ask and ye shall receive," Atem said to Jounouchi. "Have a slider. What brings you here, Anzu?"
"I decided to find out what you two see in all this gaming stuff. It would be fun to hang out with you guys more."
Atem placed one eye on Jounouchi warningly. He knew that Anzu had a crush on him and he didn't want Jounouchi to embarrass Anzu by teasing anyone about it. Fortunately, most of Jounouchi's attention was focused on finding out how many sliders he could fit into his mouth.
"So have you found any games you're interested in trying yet?"
"Oh, lots!" she cried enthusiastically. "I don't know why I didn't come the first time you invited me!"
"I think you mentioned something about dance cla—ahh!" Jounouchi's kick earned him a quick frown.
"They have some terrific dancing games right here!" Anzu said, not missing a beat. "I didn't even know they existed. "Dancing, karaoke, even fashion!"
"Fashion?" Atem and Jounouchi responded in unison.
"Yeah! Thanks so much for telling me about this!" Impulsively, she leaned over and hugged Atem tightly.
Shit!
That one word was the sole thought that filled Atem's brain. What if Seto was looking in this direction right now?! He suddenly stood up, his cheeks red. "I have to go to the bathroom," he said.
"Right now?" Anzu said, nonplussed.
Atem nodded, stumbling away. He looked around, panicked. Seto was no longer at the table with Mai. Maybe he left already? No, Atem couldn't be that lucky. Atem looked a little further down and there he was.
He was literally in the arms of none other than Pegasus J Crawford!
Author's notes ...
Sorry for the wait! But this turned out to be a long chapter for me, so hopefully that helps make up for it. Although, it was horribly difficult to get out (and I've been correcting up to the last minute!), which isn't necessarily a good sign. This is a bit of a transitional chapter and I'm feeling the strain ... hope it doesn't show too much! Let me know how I did!
Thanks to everyone who reviewed and favorited! I've been getting a bunch of support for this story lately and don't think I haven't been feeling the love!
Next time ...
We all sober up a bit (and I pull my thoughts together ...)
