Of Poetry and Prose: Chapter Two
I can't help but notice that Jake is still holding my hand as we walk around the park next to the annex. The butterflies that have been building in my stomach since he told me that I'm the only woman in his life flutter a little more with each step. He said that we need to talk but we've been walking for around ten minutes now and he's yet to say a word. I don't know if the silence should worry me or not. I decide that if I want to know what he plans on saying that I'm going to have to take a little action.
"Jake," I said stopping but not letting go of his hand.
"Yeah Darlin'," he replied as he looked back towards me
"You said we needed to talk," I mentioned looking down at the green grass trying to tame the riotous butterflies in my belly.
"I was kinda hoping that you were going to forget that and we could just enjoy these few moments alone," his answer came with a squeeze of the hand. I'm sure it was meant to be reassuring, but all it did was confuse me.
"You knew I wouldn't forget," I stated looking back up into his light blue eyes hoping to find some answers there.
"Yeah, I did. But a man can hope," he answered his gaze wavering from my own.
"And now I'm worried," I confessed letting my hand fall from his grasp. Why would he tell me he wanted to talk, but wants to forget all about it? I know my people skills are not the best, but I do know that a man should not want a woman to forget his words. Jake tends to keeps his emotions closed off, so I don't know if my letting go of his hand even makes a dent in his impermeable armor.
How can a man who holds back so much of himself back bring out so many different emotions in me? He doesn't even seem to know he does it. I watch him now and could tell he was trying to work out what it was he was going to tell me. I want to believe that I'm ready for whatever it is he's finally decided on, but I know deep down that I'm not.
"Cassie, about what I said in there," he motioned back to the annex.
"You mean about being the only woman in your life? I have to admit I was a little surprised at that particular confession, however, I sense you are about to say something contradictory."
"Yes and no. You are the only woman in my life right now and for the foreseeable future, however, I can't afford to let anything change between us. While I like you, I'm not going to change my mind about anything else in our relationship."
"Meaning you still don't trust me and never will because you like having this abyss between us I'll never be able to traverse."
"That's not what I mean."
"Yes it is. You don't need to lie or sugarcoat anything for me Jake, or have you forgotten I've been living on Death's doorstep since I was fifteen years old?"
"I want things to be different Cassie, but I've been hiding too long for it to be as easy as flippin' a switch."
"It's not a problem Jake, really. We've been working together fine and we'll keep doing so. I just hope I'm still around when you finally realize there could have been something special between us. I'm not going to be the one with regrets. I think I'm going to head home now."
"Cassie, don't leave like this," he said reaching out for my hand again, but I was just out of his reach.
"Like what Jacob Stone? I'm not the one playing a game of tug-o-war with someone else's emotions! I'm going home and I'll see you tomorrow."
Walking away from him is hard and yet easy at the same time. I know that I can't keep waiting for him to decide that things can be different between the two of us. It hurts knowing now that he's never going to change his mind because he'd rather keep up the façade of who he used to be instead of fully embracing the freedom he's been given to be who he really is. So now it's time for me to give up because I refuse to let him think that I will always be here waiting for him to change even when it breaks my heart.
Watching her walk away ripped at my heart. I don't know why I keep pushing her away, especially after that talk I has with Dashell about being yourself. I could be myself around her, in fact she is probably the only one who I really let see me. We worked well together, they way we could bounce ideas off of each other and find the right solution. I loved the days that I found myself working with her, shoot I loved just being in the same room as her, but I knew keeping her at arms' length was the best possible thing for me. At least I keep telling myself that it is.
"You must be the biggest idiot in the world," Jones explained as he wandered over to me.
"I don't have time for this Jones," I responded in hopes that he would take the hint to leave me alone all the while knowing that it was futile.
"You really think it's in your best interest to keep pushing her away. I see the way you look at her Stone. The way you make sure you're no more than a couple feet away from her so you can catch her if she falls during one of her episodes."
"It doesn't matter what you think you see or even what you think you know because it's not any of your business."
"Who do you think is going to be the one picking up the pieces of her broken heart when you finally push her too far Mate? So excuse me if I do think it's my business."
"I'm just protecting myself."
"From what exactly? 'Cause I know the brain grape isn't what's stopping you. And don't try to tell me you don't trust her because that my friend is the biggest lie of them all."
"How do you figure that?"
"If you didn't trust her, and I mean really trust her you wouldn't be there standing next to her when she's in trouble, you wouldn't be able to work out problems the way you do. I swear the two of you have silent conversations when you need to because even when we're all in trouble the two of you can find a solution and save the world twice before Friday. Plus, she knows you better than anyone else here. You pay attention to her and she to you. So please stop trying to use trust as an excuse."
"You think I don't know all of this already Jones?"
"So explain it to me."
"I just know that if I don't keep pushing her away she's going to be that one person who can really break my heart, and I don't know if I could survive that."
"I hate to break it to you Mate, but that's love, and love is always a risk. What I don't understand is why it's okay for you to break her heart but not the other way around."
"Can we please just drop this?"
"Sure Mate, whatever you want. But I want you to think about what you're going to be losing in the long run when she finally decides that she can't take the heartbreak any longer."
I know that he's right. Every word he said was right on target. I have been in love with her since the first day we met. Sure it hurt when I thought she had sold us all out to the Serpent Brotherhood, but I didn't blame her, even if I let everyone believe I did. In the end she chose saving Flynn over saving herself and I know it had to have been one of the hardest decisions she's ever made. Every day I spend with her I fall a little farther and it scares me because I've never been as close to someone the way I am with her. She sees me for who I am as a whole, not just the cowboy who worked on an oil rig or just the art historian with a high IQ. No, she sees the entire package.
How am I ever going to be able to make this right? I don't like Jones pointing out my flawed logic because when it comes down to it, it's not okay for me to break her heart just to save my own. I don't want to, but I don't know how else to live.
I could hear Ezekiel outside my door picking the lock. I knew he'd end up at my door when I figured out that he was trying to push Jake and me together. I also figured that he was most likely eavesdropping or at least watching our conversation outside. He just doesn't know when to quit, but he's always there for me when I need a friend.
"You know you could always knock. I would have answered the door," I said as he sat down on the sofa next to me.
"I know, but it's more fun to let myself in. So what are we watching tonight?" he asked taking a handful of popcorn I had on the coffee table. And with that I know he's not going to press me into talking about Jake until it's my choice. He'll be the great friend he always is and just sit here with me.
"The Princess Bride." Usually I don't watch TV or movies because it's just too much stimulation for my brain to take, but I've always loved this particular movie and tend to pull it out when I'm feeling down.
"Awesome choice my friend," he said with that exuberant smile of his.
"I've always loved this story," I told him resting my head on his shoulder.
"What's not to love? It's like the grandfather tells the kid, the story has everything."
We sat together for the duration of the movie just enjoying each other's company. I knew that once it was over he'd want me to talk about what had happened with Jake earlier, but at the same time I knew he'd let me be the one to initiate the conversation. So as the credits started to flash I turn to find Ezekiel watching me.
"We don't have to talk about what happened today Cass. It's my fault for trying to push you together because I was tired of watching him push you away. I thought he would be smart enough to finally take a chance if one presented itself. Sadly he's just an idiot."
"I know you meant well, but you can't make someone love someone just because you think you see it there. They have to be ready to accept that love for themselves. And I'm not sure Jake is ever going to be ready to like who he really is enough to let someone in long enough to really love them."
"He's still an idiot."
"Thanks Ezekiel," I said giving him a hug.
We were both a little surprised when there was a knock at my door.
"I'm going to take that as my cue to leave," he said walking over to my window, "Maybe he's not an idiot after all," I heard him mutter as he disappeared.
"We'll see," I whispered before heading to the door.
I just want to say thank you to all of you for reading and following my stories. Thanks again to those of you who took the time to review, I greatly appreciate it because you all help not only to encourage me to keep writing, but help to make me a better writer as well. I hope you all stick around to see if things can work out for Jake and Cassandra. I think I have at least 2 more chapters for this story if not more. I hope you all continue to enjoy what I have to offer. Thank you!
