Of Poetry and Prose: Chapter Five

"Don't make me regret letting you overhear that conversation Mr. Stone," Jenkins mentioned as he walked past me.

His words keep echoing in my head throughout the day. Baird and Jones had shown up promptly afterwards so I still hadn't talked to Cassie about what she was feeling. I don't like that we've made her feel that way and I want to make it up to her, but the more I think it over I wonder if maybe I should have Baird or even Jones talk to her instead of me. I know I'm just trying to put off another conversation that will inevitably lead to talking about whatever our relationship is or where it's going.

"Hey Jones," I called to him before he could head out for the night, "how much time do you spend with Cassie outside of work?" I had the question in the back of my mind ever since I found out he'd been at her apartment when I had shown up. Granted the answer might also get me out of having to talk to her about the way she feels she's being treated by us right now.

"I hangout with her a couple times a week if I don't have anything else to do. We mostly watch movies and talk about nonsense. Which is awesome when you think about it because you can't have a relationship like that with most women," he replied with a perplexed look on his face.

"Has she said anything to you about all of us treating her differently because of her tumor?" Was that really what I wanted to ask him? Am I jealous of Jones for spending so much time with her even though it's clearly a platonic relationship?

"We don't usually talk about the brain grape, too heavy of a conversation for me. Why?"

"I might have overheard a conversation she had with Jenkins. She asked him if we thought she was a time bomb, and I was floored that she felt that way and none of us noticed."

"You do realize that she has just as many walls and insecurities as you do Mate, she's just perfected hiding them behind that bright ass smile of hers," he explained.

"How do you know that?" I questioned. There it was again, that feeling of jealousy just because he realizes that she's a guarded person. What is wrong with me?

"Because I'm awesome! Why is it you guys always need to be reminded of my awesomeness?" And of course he defaults to exalt and praise for himself.

"It's because you're too annoying for us to remember. Should one of us talk to her about feeling that way or just try harder not to make her feel left out all the time?" Please, please say you'll do it, is all I can think after I've asked.

"I vote for you Mate. You know her better than any of the rest of us. And before you ask how I know, it's because you pay attention to her. You know her cues and quirks, you know how to read her. I might be her friend and like spending time with her, but I don't know her the way you do, and neither does Baird." Damn! He's right, and I hate it.

"I guess you're right, I was just hoping to avoid any more conversations that could lead to talking about our relationship."

"I thought she told you it was okay to table that particular topic?"

"She told you about our conversation?" And now I'm angry. Why would she confide in Jones of all people? Granted I would have preferred if she hadn't told anyone.

"Of course not, but I have a feeling that I don't want to tell you how I know, so I'm going to be leaving now." And he was gone before I fully processed what he had just told me.

I should really go after him and knock some sense into him, but decide talking to Cassandra is more important than my anger. I know she's still here. She'd gotten caught up in one of her projects when a mission didn't present itself today. In fact for most of the day she seemed oblivious to the rest of us even being in the same room. Of course that could have her way of trying to hide how much we had hurt her and a good way to ignore us. Then again depending on the project her mind could have taken her hostage and she really didn't know we were there.

After heading back inside I find her with her head resting on the table. She's probably exhausted herself with her project. I can't help myself from just standing there watching her in such a peaceful state. Between her vivacious personality and the way her brain works she's usually all over the place. I rarely see her looking so serene. I hate to wake her up, but I know she'd rather sleep at home than in the annex.

"Cassie darlin'," I whispered placing my hand on her shoulder, "you need to get up. Come on, I'll take you home."

"Okay," she responded quietly.

After a few minutes of driving in silence I knew I needed to ask her about what I'd overheard this morning or it would keep me up all night.

"Cassie are you upset with us?" I asked looking over at her. I'm hoping I'll be able to pick up on some of those cues Jones mentioned.

"I don't know, confused maybe," she confessed her voice unusually tight.

"I guess maybe we've all been projecting our fears onto you lately," I confessed, but not sure that was really what I wanted to convey to her.

"Is that what you think you're doing?" Now she looks confused and I know that I'm not doing this right.

"I don't know. I just know you're not happy and we're all the cause of it," I bellowed, taken aback by the tone of my own voice. Great now she was going to think I'm angry or frustrated with her.

"How do you know that?" she inquired, and thankfully it didn't look as if she thought I was mad.

"I might have overheard your conversation with Jenkins this morning." I looked down at the steering wheel so that I wouldn't have to see the hurt I know I'll see in her eyes.

"You're as bad as Jones," she groaned.

"Hey, I didn't listen on purpose, but I didn't want to interrupt" I explained, "Do you really think we're waiting for you to break?"

"I don't know what to think Jake. I want to help, but more and more I feel like I'm being told to stand off to the side and watch while you guys do all the work."

"I'm sorry Cassie, I didn't realize we were doing it. I know I want to keep you safe, but in some ways that's already been taken out of my hands, hasn't it? It's not a feeling I like."

"I see it every day. Every time I've looked in the mirror since I was fifteen years old I see Death standing behind me. And since coming here it doesn't hurt so much because I'm finally living. However, lately every time I have to sit on the sidelines it brings all of the pain and doubts I have back to the forefront. I just want to be happy, and for a while I was."

"I want you to be happy too. You deserve all of this magic that we've found and so much more."

"Thanks. Do you want to come up for a little while or do you have somewhere to be?" she asked as I pulled up in front of her apartment.

"I don't know Cass. Do you want me to or are you just asking to be nice?"

"I like when I get to spend time with you, even if I am a little unsure of what's going on these days. I was asking because you are my friend and I wanted to."

"I guess I could come hang out with you for a bit then. I don't have anywhere I need to be tonight."

I don't know why I invited him over. I know he's not ready for a rehash of our strange relationship, and I think our conversation in the car is as far as I'll get with him about being sidelined on missions, especially since it's more Baird's decision than his what I am ultimately allowed to do. I just wish that I felt I had someone on my side instead of just going along with the program.

As we shuffled into my apartment I headed straight for the kitchen needing something to eat. Of course I was in desperate need of a grocery shopping trip and I was not happy with my choices.

"Would you prefer pizza or Chinese?" I was startled by Jake's question as I frantically searched my pantry. I looked over my shoulder to see he already had his phone out to call for take-out.

"Chinese. I always have to get pizza when Ezekiel is over. I'm starting to think it's the only thing he does eat," I replied smiling.

"It wouldn't surprise me," he said before turning away to order our dinner.

Sometimes I wonder what it is that Jake really sees when he looks at me. He's always so in tune with what I need whether it's to catch me when I'm stumbling or knowing that I need food and have nothing in the apartment. I am leaning on the counter just watching him when he turns and smiles at me still talking on the phone. When he smiles, when he really smiles it's rare and magical and I fall just a little bit more every time he gifts me with one.

"Food should be here in about fifteen minutes. Will your stomach be able to wait that long?" There was that smile again causing my heart to flip.

"I'll be fine. Thank you Jake," I told him hoping he won't notice I'm now staring at his mouth in hopes of another smile.

"Any time darlin'." Three genuine smiles in one night, how is a girl supposed to survive something like that?

"Can I ask you a personal question?"

"You can ask, but I'm not gonna guarantee an answer."

"Is it lonely keeping your relationships in those designated boxes?'

"Yes and no. Grown' up it was easier to be like everyone else than to stand out, and after livin' your entire life that way you don't notice that painful feeling when you realize that no one really knows you. But now with you, I notice. When I go home I feel separate from everyone because I know I'm different and I've hidden who I am for so long that it's just too hard to come clean."

"Does that mean you equate me with causing that loneliness?"

"No. You make me realize that maybe I could be me despite circumstance, but right now I'm just not ready for what unraveling that ball of lies could entail."

I was about to ask another personal question when the food finally arrived and my stomach told me that nothing else in the world mattered except eating.

I don't understand how Jake and I seem to have so many separate relationships, like right now we can sit here and just enjoy each other's company, talking about everything and nothing at the same time. At work we have the type of relationship where we can finish each other's thought process or take our combined knowledge to make the impossible work. Somehow anything else with us ends up in dead end discussions. It's like we're in a never-ending loop instead of walking towards something.

I don't know what I can do to change the direction we seem to be headed in. I promised him that we could put aside our earlier conversations on where I stood with him, but I'm tired of waiting for him to sort out his feelings, and yet I know I'll never give up on the one small shred of hope I have. I had lost hope in everything for such a long time that now I want it all.

Before I knew it we were standing at my door and all I know is that I don't want the night to end. After having such a horrible couple of days I want this happy companionship to last as long as possible. I'm afraid when he leaves I'm going to fall into despair again.

"Before you leave will you let me ask another question?" I asked, maybe a little too brightly.

"Ask away, but I still reserve the right not to answer," he reminded me, his mouth set in a scowl, probably thinking of my last question.

"What do you see when you look at me?" My voice sounded surprisingly wobbly. I know that I need the answer, but at the same time he has just as much potential to hurt me as I do him.

"Cassie, any way I try to answer that question isn't going to come close to what I really see. For now let me just say that I see you, and you are a bright light in the darkness. Maybe someday I'll be able to really explain what I see, but not tonight." And with that I now have more than a shred of hope, now I have mountains of hope to hold onto.

"That was a pretty good answer for not having the right words to describe me. I think it'll hold me over until you're ready for the long version."

"Night Cassie."

I found myself on cloud nine for the rest of the evening, and I clung to those beautiful words and the hope they gave me as I fell asleep. I think that this piece of happiness I've found right now will be able to get me through most any situation the future holds for me, for us.


Hello Readers, I hope that you are all doing well. It took me longer than expected to get this chapter where I wanted it, but I'm hoping that means it's a better chapter for you all. The next chapter will take place after City of Light, so I hope you're all ready for a little heartbreak and maybe even a bit more hope. If you've read my other story that takes place after City of Light I want you to know that I plan on going in a different direction than I did with that one, so they won't read as similar.

Thank you all for your continued support I love hearing from all of you, and if there's something you think would work in the story let me know and I'll try to make it happen. Thanks again, you guys are amazing! Enjoy!