Of Poetry and Prose: Chapter Six
I want to do this for her, go to Paris, but at the same time it doesn't feel quite right. I glance down at the postcards I took from her office and they spur me forward. Maybe I should have asked Jones and Cassie to come with me; go make memories with someone like Mabel had always wanted to do. I shake my head at the thought of Jones in Paris, too many exquisite objects for him to steal. Still I could have asked Cassie. I'm not too sure she would have come even if I had asked though.
Cassie and I have both been trying really hard to keep our relationship on even grounding since our latest talk after the Slovakia mission. I made a big effort to make sure she didn't feel she was being sidelined or to consciously push her away. In fact it seemed like everything was moving in the right direction for us at least until Collins Falls. I may have ruined all that progress we had made by taking an interest in Mabel. I don't know what it was about Mabel Collins, but I had felt an instant connection to her and I pushed Cassie farther than I ever had before.
In some ways Mabel and I were similar, stuck in a small towns with family obligations keeping us there. Of course Mabel had to point out that she couldn't leave but I just decided not to. I let myself believe that I couldn't do all of the amazing things I'm doing now even while I was secretly trying to break out of my own box. Flynn and Baird had helped me to get out, and yet I was still wasting the chance I'd been given. I had friends, a family really, who I could be myself around. One of them was the most incredible of woman who could brighten up any room just by being in it, and for some reason I just kept denying both of us the happiness we could have if I just took one step over that imaginary line I had drawn between us.
How much or often can you hurt someone special before they finally give up on you? As I walk the streets of Paris all I ca think about if fixing things with Cassie, which is the exact opposite if what I should be doing. I should be sitting in a café and enjoying the beautiful sights, and yet I can't bring myself to do so.
I keep thinking that maybe our entire ordeal in Collins Falls was a multitude of tests we were doomed to fail from the start. There had been no right answer, and too many lives at stake. And yet, maybe now I can start taking those chances I've been given and really start to live. If meeting Mabel made me realize anything it's that we should take every chance given to us. I have a chance that's been waiting for me to take since the moment I met her. I just hope that I haven't missed it.
When I get back to the annex I'm surprised to see Baird is still there. I know today had to be a stressful day for her. She never lets anything stop her or get in her way of us completing our mission and getting us all back safe and sound. Today she had to rely completely on us to not only save the world but her as well. At least we managed to accomplish one of the two. I know that she was trying to explain to Cassie and Jones that we can't always win, that sometimes you just lose. Jones seemed to be taking it the hardest considering he didn't even want to help them in the first place. Then there's Cassie, she seemed closed off and I don't know if it's because we couldn't save those 87 people or if it was me that caused her smile to disappear. I guess it doesn't have to be an either or thing, it could be both. All I know is that when Cassie isn't smiling the world seems a little darker.
"You didn't go out for drinks with Cassandra and Jones?" Baird asked when she saw me walk in.
"No, there was something I thought I needed to do," I replied, my hand still holding Mabel's postcards.
"What are you planning in telling Cassandra about you and Mabel?" I looked up at her in surprise.
"I don't know what you're talking about," I stammered out.
"Of course you don't. Let me tell you something, before becoming a Guardian I didn't give myself time to enjoy the people in my life. And then I met Flynn and that man got under my skin in an instant, you just cannot ignore anything about him. So when he's here I try to appreciate the moments that I get to spend with him. Even when those moments are chasing dragons and trying to outrun the Serpent Brotherhood. Did you take an interest in Mabel because deep down you knew it wouldn't work, or are you really that afraid of what you could have with Cassandra?"
"Maybe a little of both. Mabel and I were similar in some ways, but Cassie already holds my heart so I guess there wasn't much chance of it ever working out."
"You ever planning on letting her in on that secret of yours? She's hurting right now and the one person she relies on and cares about has been ignoring her all day long. Other than to help save me the real reason she wanted to help save those people was because of you. Do you know what it is doing to her knowing she made a decision that possibly broke your heart in the process? She wants you to be happy and now she feels like she took that happiness away from you." Listening to Baird was hard even though I already knew most of what she said.
"I know," I said quietly before heading out the door.
I was about to knock on Cassie's door when it opened.
"Oh, great. I don't think now is such a good time for a heart to heart Mate. She's had too much to drink and you broke her heart," Jones lectured when he saw me standing there.
"I know I did, and that's why I need to talk to her. Even if that means I'm going to have to do it twice because she doesn't remember," I explained.
"Okay Mate," he sighed before closing the door behind me on his way out.
I found her half asleep on her bed. She was clutching a book like it was a security blanket, and her cheeks were streaked with tears. I wanted to wipe them away and tell her that everything was all right, but I knew better. Right now I was not the man who was always there to catch her when she falls, I'm not sure who I am to her anymore.
"Cassie, it's not your fault," I told her from her doorway, "you made the right decision. I trust you."
"How can you say that now?" she sobbed out the question.
"Because you need to know it now more than you ever did before."
"Why are you here Jake?" she asked her blue eyes finding mine for the first time since I got here.
"Because you need me. And because I need you too." My words just seemed to bring around another round of silent tears.
"I don't think I can do this right now. I just want to go to sleep and forget today ever happened."
"Why don't I just stay here until you fall sleep then," I said sitting down on the corner of her bed. "What's that book you have there?"
"A book the Spirit from the House of Refuge gave me. It was just sitting on my coffee table when I got home."
"How about if I read you some of it. Might help you fall asleep."
"I guess that would be okay," she said as she reluctantly handed me the leather-bound tome.
To say I was surprised that it was a volume of poetry would be an understatement, but when I saw the inscription of: Thought this might come in handy, I was flabbergasted. How did the Spirit know? Of course, it could probably see into Cassie's heart and know that it was a connection to me and that she would need this lifeline at some point. I decided opening the book to a random page would be the best way to choose a poem to read.
A Dream Within A Dream – Edgar Allan Poe
Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow –
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.
I stand amid the roar
Of the surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand –
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep – while I weep!
O God! Can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! Can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?
As I read the words I watched Cassie's eyelids flutter. I could tell she wanted to fight falling asleep, but by the end of the poem her eyes were so heavy I knew that she would be asleep in moments.
I placed the book on her bedside table before crouching down in front of her sleeping form. She still looks sad and I wish that I could have given her something to smile about before falling asleep. I'm sure she didn't believe me when I told her that I trust her and that I need her. Too much has happened in our short relationship so far for things to be fixed so easily. Though the words hadn't come easily. I could definitely sit her all night and watch her sleep, but know she won't want me here when she wakes up. So for now I just lean over placing a soft kiss on her forehead.
"You're still the only woman in my life," I whispered before leaving.
I really hope that you guys enjoy this latest chapter, and don't worry you will get a chapter of Cassandra's thoughts on the aftermath of City of Light as well. Thank you again for all of your continued support. I appreciate every single, favorite, follow, and review!
A special thanks to Poe for being an amazingly wonderful and strange writer of both stories and poetry. I hope you like my choice of poem for Jake to read Cassie to sleep.
