Note: All characters and story in general came right from Veronica Roth's head, not mine. I only expounded on her idea. Also, ALL of the words in regular Italic font belong to Veronica Roth – her exact words. Whenever you see regular font you are seeing my wording. Also, the bold Italic words are mine and are meant to be read with typical italic flare. The first few chapters are here almost word for word from her book because I thought it was necessary to lead up to the change.
CHAPTER 52
TOBIAS
ALL I CAN make out in the lab is a back dressed in dark clothing, hunched over something. I hold my breath as I stare at that back. I look for movement, but I don't see any. I don't know if it's too dark or because there is no life.
"Tris?" I intend to sound strong and sure but instead the word comes out as a scared whisper. I try again. "Tris," I say, louder this time.
Slowly, God, so slowly her head turns toward me.
"Tobias?"
Her voice sounds scratchy, like she'd been screaming, or crying, for hours. My feet don't move, but my eyes try to take in every inch of her they can reach. Her eyes are swollen and red. Her face is splotchy with a few scratches. Nothing appears life threatening.
"I can't….I'm so tired."
My feet are finally rushing to her. I have to unwrap her arms from Caleb's body and set him down before I can lift her up. As I am carrying her from the room I get a closer look at her; her hands and face have a layer of small red bumps and she's sweating. She's been sitting still for who knows how long and she's sweating. I pick up the pace, moving her as little as possible, and head straight to the infirmary.
Matthew, luckily, thought to inoculate several people on the hospital staff. There is still confusion here, but at least there are some people who can help.
"Help! I need help! Somebody help me!"
I don't even care who comes to help as long as someone comes quick. Her breaths are shallower every minute. I can't lose her, I can't. She didn't go through everything she went through – we didn't go through everything we went through just to have her leave it all. And that's what she'd be doing. She'd be leaving it all. She'd be leaving me.
"What happened?"
"She…" What did happen? Did the serum go off while she was going through it? Or did Cara say that she went in after Caleb did? I am useless. The most important person in my world is fading away and I can't come up with any answers.
"She went into the weapon's lab and was exposed to the death serum. If my calculations are correct, she was in with the serum for no longer than five or six minutes. She made it through, but I have to assume there are some lingering effects." Never in my life have I been so thankful to hear Cara's voice.
The doctor is taking her away and I can barely register them telling me to wait here. I don't do waiting well. I want to stand still. I want to move. I want to run.
None of those things will make Tris okay, but I have to do something.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Zeke and Hana go into a room – Uriah's. Silently, I move to stand outside his window. There is no change in him. Uriah the dauntless is lying in his own personal cage. How did things get to this point? Coming here, to this place, it was supposed to be a fresh start. It was supposed to bring freedom for all of us.
I don't know if I'll ever be forgiven for letting Uriah slip through my grip or leaving Tris to deal with an impossible task. At this point, I'm willing to do almost anything to change those mistakes. I am prepared to sacrifice myself, if that's what it takes, to keep them going, to keep them alive and breathing.
As the hours pass I find myself hovering between Tris and Uriah's rooms, terrified to leave and desperate to at the same time. Eventually I make my way to the chairs along the wall where Cara, Christina and Matthew are already seated.
We sit in silence and wait for a sign, a word, anything from either room.
Nothing comes. Are they ever going to know anything?
Hana and Zeke are keeping a silent watch over Uriah, like sentries watching for a change; like dauntless protecting what's important.
All I can see in Tris' room is a doctor and nurse administering what I have to assume are tests. Eventually the doctor steps out of her room and it's all I can do to not pounce on him.
As one unit, all four of us jump to our feet.
"Is she…" I don't even know how to say what I need to say, but my voice gets his attention. He looks tired, very tired. Is that a good sign or a bad one?
"I think she's going to be okay. There's only so much that I can do from a diagnostic standpoint – no one has ever made it through the death serum before, so this may end up being trial and error. From what we can tell, the only physical reaction to the serum would be the burns on her skin. We are going to take her to get some CT scans and possibly an MRI, if we can ensure she stays sedated. After that we will have a general idea of how damaged she is mentally. We won't know anything for sure until she wakes."
He finishes his speech with a heavy sigh, running his hand over his face.
Christina, maybe feeling the same desperation I am, quickly asks the next question. "But she will wake up, right? I mean, she's divergent. She can make it through anything."
"My guess is yes."
"Your guess? You'll have to do better than that." I say it using my instructor voice. It's how I've always gotten results in Dauntless – I'll make it get me results here too.
"Like I said, no one has made it through the death serum before. This is wholly unprecedented. Listen, you are free to stay out here or in there," he gestures behind him towards her room. "Someone will be down here later today to take her to her tests. Right now I have some other patients to tend to, if you'll excuse me."
After the doctor leaves, everyone waits for my first move. I'm both terrified and desperate to get to her side. She felt so limp and so fragile in my arms, but this is also Tris – the strongest person I know. That decides it for me. I can't be afraid.
Before the decision is fully formed, I'm in her room pulling a chair up to the side of her bed. Her hand is still warm. Somehow, it's not what I was expecting.
"C'mon, Tris. C'mon." I say it so quietly only I, and she, can hear it. I'm squeezing her hand too tight, I know I am, like if I squeeze tight enough she'll come to and I'll be able to look in her eyes again.
At some point, I vaguely register the others leaving the room. It's not until a nurse comes to take her to her tests that I am really aware of anything other than the sounds of her breathing and the feel of her hand in mine.
"We'll be a while, maybe you should go eat something; get yourself cleaned up."
Afraid to take too long, yet still feeling outside myself, I take a quick shower and grab some muffins to take back down to Tris' room. When I get there she's still getting tests done; I decide to head over to the next room. I don't know that I'm welcome there, so I once again take vigil at the window. It seems like that's all I can do for the people most important to me. Logically, I know that I didn't cause what happened to Uriah or Tris, but I feel it as deep as if I had.
I participated in the attack that is taking Uriah's life. I know now that's the only option for him. Uriah is going to die. I will probably never forgive myself for that. Not on my own. Not without Tris. Maybe I shouldn't forgive myself. I know Tris; if I was thinking hard enough about it, I would've known that she would try to take Caleb's place. If I had been with her, maybe she wouldn't have done it. But I couldn't have them both. I couldn't get to Uriah's family without leaving Tris and I couldn't stay with Tris without neglecting Uriah's family. I had a choice to make; Tris or Uriah.
I can feel someone's eyes on me. As I pull them away from Uriah's barely there body, I meet the devastated eyes of Zeke. The intensity of his stare almost knocks me over. I can't move. I stand there immobilized by his grief. After what feels like hours, but I'm sure is no more than a few minutes, the stare is broken by the arrival of Tris' gurney being wheeled back into her room.
The nurse tells me that everything looked normal and that the doctor will be in to check on her periodically. Great. There's nothing I love more than waiting endlessly without answers.
