Note: All characters and story in general came right from Veronica Roth's head, not mine. I only expounded on her idea. Also, ALL of the words in regular Italic font belong to Veronica Roth – her exact words. Whenever you see regular font you are seeing my wording. Also, the bold Italic words are mine and are meant to be read with typical italic flare. The first few chapters are here almost word for word from her book because I thought it was necessary to lead up to the change.

CHAPTER 56

TRIS

BEING AWAKE DOESN'T feel all that different than unconscious to me. I don't think I should feel guilty about it, but a part of me does. I should be filled with joy, or at the very least relief; Tobias is here with me – he's not just a memory. I am surrounded by some of my friends. On the other hand, I woke up to grieve over the death of my brother and one of my best friends. I wake knowing what the world was and why. Knowing that people like me are the solution, but I can't protect anyone let alone save them.

I want to live. I want to have my life filled with moments – good moments. I want to make moments and I want to be with Tobias, but living is hard. Living is littered with grief and pain and sacrifice. It's what I know - how I know I can make it - and with Tobias I can more than just make it. That doesn't make it hurt any less right now, though.

Tobias hasn't left my side since I woke. Since before I woke, I assume. We're silent, mostly because it's still kind of hard for me to talk. The others gave us some privacy, probably assuming we have a lot to say, but we've never needed a lot of words to get our feelings across. There is something I need to say to him, though; it's just figuring out what exactly.

He's staring at our hands in what I can only describe as awe, so I squeeze his to get his attention. His smile only gets wider as he looks at me.

"Hey." He's talking quietly, also for my benefit.

"Hey." I smile back. "I just – I just wanted to tell you something."

"It can wait until you're feeling better, really."

"No. I don't want it to wait. I don't want to wait for anything ever again. I don't want to wait to tell you things or show you things. I don't want to wait too long and miss our moments. I need to say it now." It's the most I've spoken at one time since waking up, but it's not unbearable so I press on. "I wanted you to know something, need you to know it."

This time I have to stop to collect myself. On my way to the vault and the entire time after, he occupied all of my thoughts. When I thought I was going to die in that chamber, the pain I felt at not getting a chance to fulfil the hopes I had for us (only hours before) was suffocating. The idea that he was going to lose the most constant person in his life, someone who loves him more than they love themselves was crippling. I need him to know. I stare back at him for a few minutes just to be sure I have his full attention.

After a deep breath I continue. "I just need you to know that I didn't want to leave you." I try to ignore the tears that escape. There aren't many but they come quicker than I can stop them. "I didn't go into the room to be noble or because of a misguided notion about what sacrifice is. I was ready to let Caleb go, but they figured out something was happening. I don't know who and I don't know how, but if we didn't act immediately we weren't going to be able to act at all." Another deep breath. "When the guards caught us, I saw that Caleb wasn't going to make it, and I still wasn't convinced he was doing it for any other reason than to release himself. Turns out I was wrong about that."

I didn't think that Caleb's death would cause me this much pain. He betrayed me, as much as I want to hate him for that, I can't. I had told him before everything happened that I really would be able to forgive him, but when I said it I wasn't really sure of it. I only said it to make him feel better. I didn't forgive him at the time so I couldn't see any other outcome. In the end, Tobias was right. He finally understood what real sacrifice was. He deserves the honor for it. He deserves redemption for it, to be absolved of guilt. He may not be here to witness it, but in my heart, he has all of those things. He was my brother and I love him.

"Hey." His voice comes out softly, sweetly; full of comfort and warmth. "You don't have to leave me, never again. I'm sorry that you lost Caleb, but I am here. I am still your family, and I am not going anywhere, okay? You and me, okay?"

Now that all the words are out, I just want to hold him close. So I do. I pull him to me and let my tears fall, I let the weight leave me and I hold onto him just as tightly as he holds onto me. Him and me, together. That's how we'll go forward from here on out.