I'm sorry for posting the chapters twice. I wasn't paying attention. The story is getting more dramatic btw...

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He was sure, what Fili really needed wasn't praise, but leads and advices how to survive and how to defend himself. No one survived while being praised.

Thorin stood silently in his study room and remembered Fili's bitter expression as they fought against each other. His intention to provoke his nephew and to show Dwalin what Fili was really capable to do, went well and made him a bit proud. He surely knew that the blonde dwarf would be a great fighter in future, if his skills would be carefully trained and watched. With his temper and agility he was more appropriate than most of his soldiers and guards. He was indeed a heir of Durin, even if Thorin would never tell him and compliment his skills with that fact.

But somehow their short fight scared Thorin. He had felt his nephew's anger and even his hatred against him, which turned his eyes into dark blue jewels of a stormy sea.

When Fili was born he felt relieved that his sister gave birth to a little, healthy boy, that smiled even though the day was rainy and cold. Yes, he just felt relieved, when Fili was born. Thorin had acquiesced in too many deprivations and felt the emptiness that was caused by the loss of his home Erebor, his grandfather, brother and father. It damaged and sealed up his heart and he wanted nothing but revenge for his family's deaths. Every time he thought about the battle of Azanulbizar, he felt as if it was his fault, that they had died. He didn't protect them properly, he didn't undertake to ensure their safety. He let them die. That was what he believed and what followed him was a black shadow covering his life. His victory against Azog, the Defiler, was nothing but a drop in the ocean. It didn't change anything and again Thorin felt helpless and unworthy to be the next king. He tried his best to change life for his people in the Ered Luin and fought against many hardships to make life prosper and easier again. Of course, he did reckless things out of anger and juvenility, that cost peoples life. He has always been busy avoiding mistakes and taking care of his kin, he had no time to chose a wife, so when Dís gave birth to Fili, he just felt relieved his line wouldn't vanish and wasn't lost for all time.

Fili.

Thorin sighed and retrieved a painting from his nephew when he was five years old. He just drew a few lines showing him, his mother, father and his uncle. Fili gave him this picture as a present even though he feared Thorin's dark and gloomy presence. He never hated Fili. He just wanted to protect him and to make him strong enough to reign the Ered Luin or Erebor and to never let his mind be effected of personal matters and not to react reckless like him. He wanted Fili's mind thoughtful and strong, and that he didn't make the same mistakes as Thorin in the past.

Five year after Fili's birth, he was on a very long journey with Fili, Dwalin and some guards: when they came back he found his sister and her husband terribly ill. They both were near death. Thorin decided to send Fili away for a few weeks, so that he mustn't see, how his father died weakly and in pain. And than he remembered his own sister, her cryings, sobs and whispers as...

Thorin touched slightly the fine lines of the drawing and smiled sadly. There had been another happening he never had told his nephew. And this, too, changed his attitude towards Fili. He wanted to become an uncle Fili would be proud of. But he failed again. His own flesh and blood had come to hate him.

A knock on the door made him come back to reality. "Come in!" His breathy voice said.

Balin stepped into his room and as Thorin saw his pale face, he knew something was wrong. He got up as fast as he could and went to Balin. "What is it?"

"We have to leave immediately. Dís had ordered to bring you to her."

He clenched his fist. "I get it. But I have to talk to Dwalin first."

"Don't waste time, Thorin. It might going to end today."

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Of course Thorin wouldn't come to his fighting lessons. All Fili got were apologies from Dwalin his uncle had some urgent business to do. He even left the village and dedicated village issues to Balin. He would always have excuses not to bother himself with his stupid, unworthy nephew.

Again Fili felt like an abandoned cat, as he got home and no one was waiting for him, asking him, if his training went well or what he had learned in Dori's lesson. The house was empty and dark. Low noises from the outside came to his ear: ducks, horses, chickens, rickety carts and unknown voices from the street. Fili went into the kitchen just to see, the bread was out or too hard to eat. Even the milk pot for Kili was empty.

"No food?" asked the cat.

"No."

"Then let's go shopping! I want to have fish and cake for dinner! Buy me a cake!"

"No," said Fili absentminded.

"But I'm hungry!" Kili looked at him, saw this dejected face and jumped at the table in front of him. "You're thinking of something terrible."

Fili flinched and moved out of the kitchen, the kitten followed. "Where are you going, Fili?"

"Nowhere."

"But..."

"Leave me alone, Kili. I... I just have to think. I'm sorry." Fili didn't dare to look back at his faithful companion and friend. He knew, that his friend was shocked and pissed. His cat didn't like it, when he was used and removed on people's will and he also didn't like it to be treated like a normal cat, but Fili wanted to be alone.

Kili didn't try to convince Fili to let him stay. He knew it was hopeless. Sometimes Fili needed time for himself, maybe to cry or to yell, to throw things in his rage through his bedroom or to sit there in silence, Kili knew all this, because he had been watching Fili from afar in the past. But still, he couldn't understand why this dwarf wanted to be alone, not telling his doubts and fears to his cat, to his friend and brother in thoughts. That was why Kili was really pissed off! It was true, he was no dwarf, he had no beard and he wouldn't smoke and he disliked ale, but he had feelings, too, and he knew some things about Fili's feelings.

Because Kili was fully aware of how it felt to be alone.

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"Thanks for watching over him, Dwalin," Thorin said, when he reached his home at night. At least he had told Dwalin everything several days ago. "Has he seen you?"

"No." The dwarfen warrior shook his head. He was sitting near the entrance to Thorin's home to keep guard. "How...?"

Thorin shook his head tiredly. "Don't ask. Let's talk tomorrow."

"Understand." Dwalin got up and laid one hand on Thorin's shoulder to show him his sympathy. The black haired dwarf only nodded and went hesitantly into his home. It was dark as usual when he got back. Fili was maybe at sleep for hours. He stood there in silence in front of Fili's door, not daring to knock or to open it slowly. But he had to! He was the king of the Ered Luin dwarfs and didn't even dare to disturb his nephew's sleep? He grumbled to himself, calling himself an idiot for his fear and opened the door.

"You awake?" he asked as he stepped in. Has his room always been this small and unprepossessing? It had been a long time since he had entered it the last time. When has it been? Five months? Six? He couldn't remember.

The kitten glanced at him, which was laying next to his nephew. His eyes glowing in the dark and his soft fur shined like black onyx in the dim moonlight. Then Fili moved and sat down in bed. "Yes," he said sleepy.

Thorin didn't dare to step any closer, he only looked at his nephew trying to find the right words. I lied to you all this years, he thought, still not daring to speak. He was afraid his voice would be wavering.

What is it? Fili wanted to ask, but didn't dare. He was still full of anger about Thorin's sudden disappearing and his hateful words during their training, but although full of hope.

I'm truly sorry, that I haven't told you. But I wanted to tell you... Thorin shook his head and gasped. He couldn't even think about what he had to say!

Say something! Fili pleaded mutely not sure, why his uncle stood there in silence.

I'm sorry. Thorin thought.

Say, that you're sorry for not coming the other day! Say, you still want to be my uncle and that you'll support me! Say that you care for me!

I'm really sorry. I thought I should keep those things from you, so that you would grow up ingenuously from pain and sorrow, but all I did was causing just more pain. I'm sorry, that I understood just now.

I don't get you uncle. Why you're standing there, making a face as if I'm the most bitter experience in your life? Am I such a disturbing creature that I'm not even worth a word? What do you expect me to do?

I've made lots of mistakes in order to protect you and now we're standing on different sides, not daring to cross the boundaries keeping us apart. It's my fault. I'm worthless again and I made the mistakes years ago, not you. I'm sorry.

Of course, you wouldn't expect me to do anything. I'm unworthy. You just said it a few days ago. I kept that it in mind and it already burnt my heart, tattooed it like a needle the skin, it's a branding I'll wear till the end of my life. I'm a burden to you and mother. I know that, don't look at me like that! Just go. Now! You hadn't to come at midnight to stare at me, to case me like a new slave and not saying anything. It hurts me, uncle! Please go! I don't want to be a part of this family anymore, which treats me like this, abandons me. I'm a stranger and you're a stranger to me, too. It had always been like this. No nice words, no hugging, some curious looks, that was all I got. I don't know you and I don't want to know you. Not anymore. Go, if you haven't to say anything. Nothing? Fine. We're done.

"Fi..."

"I'm tired," said Fili in the second, Thorin opened his mouth.

Don't interrupt me! Thorin wanted to shout, as soon as Fili said that. Maybe he would have, if not the topic he wanted to discuss with his nephew was that... unpleasant and painful. There were less things a warrior was really afraid of. To tell his nephew his most kept secret surely belonged in that category.

"Fine. Come to my study tomorrow morning. We have to talk."

"As you command."

Fili's words stitched him and he knew he had hurt him again. But how to react? Say something nice? He was twelve! He doesn't need that. Well, somehow he wanted to hug him, like he did, when he was younger, when his father was still alive. But they hadn't this kind of relationship. Not anymore. It was gone since the day he decided to make Fili stronger, which was the day his nephew had turned three, so maybe the boy didn't even remember that time. Fili grew cold in his presence like he did just now and Thorin had thought it would be good to have a strong heir. "Good night." This was all he replied. Thorin turned around and went to the door. He didn't hear his nephew whispering "good bye". Thorin was lost and lonely in his thoughts. He wished he had told him about Kili when he closed the door to Fili's room.

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ongoing..