Friday, November 22nd. 2:00 pm. Dr Lindstrom's office.

Amanda Rollins sitting in a chair and highly anxious, was facing Dr Lindstrom. She had sweaty palms and couldn't stop wondering if she was doing the right thing by being there.

After spending five long minutes visually analysing Amanda's behavior, Dr Lindstrom finally said "Amanda, how are you feeling right now?".

"...Hum... i don't know... i'm okay i guess." Replied Amanda, dryly.

"You guess?" Stroke back Dr Lindstrom.

"...I'm Okay." She Replied, feeling extremely uncomfortable.

"Fine. Can you tell me why are you here?" Asked Dr Lindstrom, calmly.

"... To be honest... i don't have a clue." Replied Amanda.

Dr Lindstrom kept writing down notes.

"Do you think you need my help?" Asked Dr Lindstrom.

Amanda kept gazing at Dr Lindstrom, not knowing what to answer, then she stood up, and walked to the window.

While gazing outside the window, she blurted out in despair "I'm sorry...".

"Amanda, why are you apologizing?" Replied Dr Lindstrom, while observing every move that she was making.

Amanda took some time before answering.

"... Because i lied..." She hardly Confessed.

"Regarding?" Asked Dr Lindstrom, surprised by her words.

"I lied about being okay. ...I'm not okay... i feel numb... i don't recognize myself anymore." Said Amanda, hopelessly.

"I see." Replied Dr Lindstrom while taking notes, then added, changing the subject "Tell me about your job, do you like it?".

"... Sometimes..." She Said, then added while looking down "I like it when we catch the bad guys... and get justice for the victims but i hate it when all these defenseless people get abused and sometimes we can't help them...".

"You can't help everybody, Amanda." Replied Dr Lindstrom.

Amanda didn't say anything, then went back to her seat.

"How long have you been working at SVU?" The doctor asked her.

"I was working back in Atlanta as a detective at SVU for two years... then i got transferred to New york. It's been three years since i'm working here..." She replied, without getting into details.

"Alright." Said Dr Lindstrom, then added "You said earlier that you've been feeling numb, how long have you been feeling this way?".

"...For about a year and a half..." She replied.

"Do you think you know what made you feel that way?" The therapist asked her.

"...Something happened back then... in Atlanta... it's the reason why i was transferred... I...I thought i coped with it at first... I was handling it well when I got here... I even forgot about it for a while but then I started having these nightmares all of a sudden..." Explained Amanda, with a knot in her throat.

"Do you think the nature of the cases you handle in your job got something to do with these nightmares?" He asked her.

"...I don't know... maybe..." She replied, uncertain.

"That's alright. Let's talk about these nightmares you've been having, how often do they appear?" Asked Dr Lindstrom.

"Almost every night..." Replied Amanda, while avoiding any eye contact with Dr Lindstrom, fearing to reveal her insecurities.

"Have you talked to anybody about them? your family? maybe a close friend?" Asked Dr Lindstrom while taking notes.

"No." Replied Amanda, with a sharp tone.

"Why not?" Asked Dr Lindstrom.

"I don't really have a model family... my baby sister is a selfish nut case, i was never close to my mom... and my father passed away when i was 21... we had a great relationship, ... he was a great listener, he always helped me out with everything. You now what they say doctor, the good people always leave first..." Said Amanda, then desperately whispered, while putting her hands on her face "I wish if he were still alive...".

"I'm sorry..." Replied Dr Lindstrom.

Amanda nodded as a sign of thank you but remained quiet.

"What about friends?" Continued Dr Lindstrom.

"Friends?" Smirked Amanda, then added "I don't have any friends in here. I'm a bit of a loner, you know... i've always been different.".

"Different? how's that?" He asked.

"I was an unusual kid... i've always made efforts to fit in, but it never worked, i was like the awkward silent girl in the group... i often wondered if something was wrong with me. But later then... in high school and college i understood that i was simply different from all of the other people around me. It didn't bother me that much you know." Replied Amanda.

"What about now? as an adult." Asked Dr Lindstrom.

"Now? i guess i'm still the introvert girl i've always been..." She replied, while looking away.

"Alright, could you tell me more about these nightmares?" He asked her.

"It's always the same nightmare... i see him following me everywhere, whenever i turn he's there watching me...then suddenly he's inside me..." Said Amanda, sharply.

"Him?" Asked Dr Lindstrom, intrigued.

"...Mike Miller... a guy from the squad... he asked me out billion times but i've always refused. He was an arrogant pervert." She replied.

"What happened when you refused his propositions?" Asked Dr Lindstrom.

"He didn't let go... he threatened to get me fired if i didn't give him what he wanted. He made my life a miserable hell... But i kept my head up, i resisted to him... but it only made him angrier..." Explained Amanda with a shaky voice.

"Did you tell your superior?" He asked.

"He wouldn't have believed me. Miller was the sergeant in the squad... and the captain's best friend. So it was a lost cause in advance..." She replied, hopelessly.

"What happened after this?" Asked Dr Lindstrom.

"One night... it was the end of my shift... i went to a bar to grab a drink... and he was there. I was gonna turn back and leave the place but i thought this would only make him think that i'm intimidated by him... so i stayed." Said Amanda, then added after a long pause " Through the evening, he got wasted... he approached me and started to get handy... so i payed off and left... he didn't like it... he followed me outside... i didn't see him coming from behind... he brutally grabbed me, and took my gun then he threw me in a dark alley... i...i threatened him... i told him i was gonna scream and he said that we were all alone... nobody would be there for me. I was totally paralyzed... i couldn't move... he said that he didn't need my permission to get what he wanted...he was gonna get it anyway" She replied.

Amanda was feeling assaulted all over again by telling Dr Lindstrom what happened to her that night, and she couldn't help but blame herself.

"Then he forced himself on me...while threatening me with my own gun..." She continued, while keeping a straight face.

Dr Lindstrom was dead silent, he stopped taking notes and kept focusing on Amanda's story, and specifically on the way she was telling it, completely empty of emotions. Even if she was a professional and she'd seen and handled hundreds of victims, it wasn't the same because she was the victim now.

"...When he was finished... he said that even if i complained to the captain the next day... he wouldn't believe my accusations... i remember his exact words *I'm powerful, and you can't reach me because you're a little nobody, and no one believes a nobody*" She replied, with a straight face.

"What did you do after this?" Dr Lindstrom asked, finally breaking his silence.

"I went home... i spent the entire night in the bath... i felt so dirty." She replied, dryly.

Amanda's pain was so immense that it turned her numb. Anyone who would hear her tell that story, would probably think that she was heartless and empty.

Amanda kept telling her story "Next day, i didn't want to go to work... i just couldn't... but i thought if i didn't go, Miller would probably make me pay it hard later... so i swallowed down the pain and left for work anyway... when i got there, the captain called me in his office. He was waiting for me... Miller was there too... the captain told me that he received a complaint against me... he made it all up of course, all he wanted was to get rid of me and cover for his best friend. I wasn't even listening to what the captain was telling me... just feeling Miller's presence in the room, made me go blank... i was unresponsive... and when i finally focused on what he was saying... he said that he wanted to fire me, but Miller convinced him to get me transferred only. ...Sometimes i still hear my captain's words *If it wasn't for sergeant Miller, you would be fired! He fought for you!*".

"yeah...Sergeant Mike Miller is my hero" Smirked Amanda.

After a long pause, she blurted out "This is it, that's the main reason i'm in New york!".

"So all these nightmares made you relive the assault all over again?" Asked Dr Lindstrom while taking notes.

"Yes. I tried everything to make them disappear... but nothing worked. And it's affecting my job lately." She replied.

"Look Amanda, what happened to you isn't your fault! ... you have to believe it, and it seems that you haven't forgiven yourself." Said Dr Lindstrom, trying to Reassure her.

"How could i? That bastard stole something from me... something that i can't get back...and i let it happen!" Replied Amanda.

"You didn't let that happen, Amanda. You need closure, in order to find yourself again, and most importantly, to learn how to trust yourself again. But this takes time, it isn't an easy process, you need a continuous follow up, and i can help you every step of the way, but you're gonna have to trust me." Elaborated Dr Lindstrom.

Amanda looking at Dr Lindstrom, muttered "I can't promise you anything... but i'll try.".

"That's a good start. I think we should end this session for today... How about we meet up next week? same time?" suggested Dr Lindstrom.

"...Alright." She Replied.

...

Friday, November 22nd. 5:00 pm.

Amanda Rollins left Dr Lindstrom's office, after spending all of the afternoon telling him all the sordid details of her story. She was a bit confused and couldn't stop thinking about his questions and reflexions.

Once she got inside her car, she decided to go for a ride near long beach, to get some fresh air. After arriving at her destination, she parked her car and went for a walk.

"This is it. I've never told anyone about this, up until today. Was it suppose to make me feel different?" Amanda thought silently, while walking down the coast.

...

Friday, November 22nd. 9:00 pm. Amanda Rollin's apartment.

Amanda arrived home, after opening up the door, she dropped the keys over the table and headed to the couch without turning the lights on, then sat quietly on her couch.

After gazing in the dark for about five minutes, Amanda burst out crying. Tears were uncontrollably rushing down her face, all of the emotions that she bottled up after all these years, suddenly reached out to the surface. She was feeling something other than numbness, even though her heart was still ravaging with a constant pain, she felt a new emotion. An emotion that she wasn't able to feel ever since that event.

Amanda Rollins felt relieved.