Vanilla Turtles
Chapter 5
Crash and Burn
Jr ran awkwardly down the hall. He held what looked like a large bottle in his claws. He stopped next to a blue vase and scanned the area for guards or his siblings. When he saw none were present in the gloomy corridor he pushed a hidden button behind the vase. A small secret passageway opened and he ran through before the entrance could close on him. Even though the passageway was dark Jr could see well enough to navigate through all the twists and turns. He eventually came to a purple brick wall; he blew a small fireball at it and it opened.
Ludwig was sitting on a suitcase outside the castle gardens when Jr came through the secret passageway. Wendy was leaning against a tree with a picnic basket in claw. Recently, Jr had started inviting Ludwig on his pranking adventures. Jr thought this was great but he felt like he shouldn't be patching things up with only one of his siblings, so he had invited Wendy. She seemed interested in the idea and was happy to join once she learned that that day's target was Mario.
"Why did you take a secret passage? Are you grounded?" Ludwig questioned his younger brother with a raised eyebrow.
"No, it's just fun!" Jr smiled widely. He always felt like a secret agent or a great explorer when he went through the secret tunnels in his home.
"Did you find anything? People hide weird stuff in there all the time." Wendy asked, being her usual nosy self. She had a bad habit of making everyone else's business her business.
"Not unless some guy has been hiding a dust collection in there," Jr sassed, but it was true; he was going to need a bath later.
At that point Ludwig had grown tired of his siblings' chatter. "If we want to be back home by dinner we need to leave now! We're already ten minutes behind schedule!" Jr and Wendy sighed in minor annoyance but nodded. There was only so much time in the day. The koopalings shot off toward the Mushroom Kingdom with devilish ideas dancing in their heads. Mario's house wasn't too far away, but it was a pain getting there without being spotted. Stupid tattling toads!
At some point they came to a dirt road lined with bushes. They heard a commotion and Ludwig signaled for them to hide in the bushes. Looking past the leaves they saw the Mario brothers in an argument with Wario and Waluigi.
"Will you just drop it! I beat you fair and square!" An exasperated Luigi was waving a tennis racket erratically. Obviously they had played against each other and Waluigi was being a sore loser.
"Yeah? Well I kissed your girlfriend!" Obvious bluff on Waluigi's part but Luigi was still stunned and mildly mortified.
Mario chose that time to enter the argument. "Yeah, you kissed her fist when she punched you out you stupid creep!"
Then Wario jumped into the verbal fray. "You're calling my friend stupid?! You can't even figure out how to get rid of a washed up tortoise!" The target for the day's pranking was instantly changed. Meanwhile, Luigi was holding an infuriated Mario back from starting an all out brawl.
"Mario they're not worth it, let's just leave," Luigi implored, tugging gently but insistently on his brother's arm.
"Fine," Mario huffed, and followed Luigi down the western road.
"That's right! Walk away cowards!" Wario jeered. "Go home crying to your mother!"
"Hey! Luigi?" Waluigi called, sounding concerned. Luigi turned to look at him,
"What?" Waluigi smirked.
"You suck!" the W bros laughed and pointed, overly proud of their immature trick. Luigi just turned away from them and sighed.
"Be the bigger person Luigi, be the bigger person." He chanted to himself. Mario gave the two idiots a death glare before stalking after his brother. After Wario and Waluigi had gone off gallivanting to the east, the koopalings came out of hiding to discuss their next move.
"Washed up?! They've got some nerve saying that about king dad!" Jr raged. Speaking ill of anyone of the royal koopas was dangerous, but talking trash about Bowser right in front of one or more of his kids was downright suicidal.
"Forget the Mario brothers, we kick them around every game day! I say we ought to teach those two Wario suckers a lesson." Wendy exclaimed, her inner daddy's girl was rearing its spoiled head.
"It would certainly be interesting to watch those buffoons be humiliated by our own hands." Ludwig grinned evilly, his mind already filled with new plans to torture the annoying twosome.
"So what are we waiting for? A fireballin invitation? Let's get going already!" Jr was already scampering east toward Wario's house. His siblings followed, cackling all the way.
Wario's house was more of a big, roughed up shack than a house. It had mismatched roof tiles, junk in the front yard, and dead grass all around it. The koopalings hid behind a large trashcan and waited until the W suckers sauntered out of the shack and toward Toad Town. They must have felt pretty confident to bother the Mario brothers twice in one day. Scuttling out from their hiding place and up to the front door, the koopalings snickered at the lack of security-the door wasn't even locked! Upon entering the hovel the koopalings split up in search of their targeted rooms.
(WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT ANY OF WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ AT HOME! OR ANYWHERE ELSE!)
Ludwig found the kitchen easily since it was right next to living room. He sorted through the cupboards until he found the tomato sauce, a wide toothy smirk appearing on his face. He poked a small hole in the metal lid and set it down carefully on the stained tile floor. Ludwig opened his suitcase and selected a syringe filled with hot sauce that could probably glow slightly in a dark room, a pill made out of baking soda, and a small welding torch. Then he injected the hot sauce into the jar through the small hole. Afterward he quickly shoved the baking soda pill through the hole before hastily welding the lid back into its original form. Finishing just before the baking soda started to take effect, Ludwig sighed in relief and started on blocking the pipes under the sink.
Meanwhile in the bathroom, Wendy was examining the showerhead. She delicately twisted the head open and shoved a tiny pink cube inside before gracefully replacing the cap. She stepped out of the shower and repressed a shriek when she saw a cockroach scuttle across the floor. Shuddering slightly, Wendy approached the sink. She took the small soap pump off the counter and emptied it into the sink before rifling through her basket and pulling out a bottle of purple jelly. She refilled the soap dispenser with the jelly and put it back neatly. She tittered mischievously as she fled the grimy bathroom… I am running out of synonyms for giggled. *Sigh*
You probably want to know what Jr is doing. Well, he's in the garage messing with the one nice thing in the place. Though I suppose this depends on your definition of nice. Wario's car was parked right in the middle of the room. The car was shiny, clean, and well maintained. But obviously that would change in the not too distant future. Jr hopped into the driver's seat and leaned over to inspect the brakes. He squeezed sticky white glue under and on top of the acceleration pedal with his bottle. He stepped in between the two front seats and squirted glue on them too. Now this wasn't normal glue, this was Super Koopa glue. It turned clear on leaving its container and when it stuck to something it didn't let go. Jr sniggered maniacally; this was going to be comedy gold!
"I'm hungry," Wario grumbled. The W suckers were walking through the front door after verbally terrorizing some toads. They had had cake thrown at them but it was carrot cake, which most people don't have an appreciation for. This included Wario and Waluigi.
"Well what do you expect me to do? If you're hungry get a snack yourself! I need to get this sugary gunk off me." Waluigi snapped at his friend, meanwhile the koopalings spied on them from behind the large trash can and practically gawked at how the suckers were heading straight for the traps.
"In that case I'm not sharing my pizza with you!" Wario stomped over to the kitchen grumbling and mumbling to himself. Waluigi made a beeline for the bathroom sighing dramatically.
Wario opened the fridge and rifled through the expired gunk until he found a frozen pizza crust and tossed it unceremoniously onto the counter along with cheese and pepperoni. He went to the cupboard and took out the tomato sauce. He was about to open it when he realized something very, very important. "Shrooms! I forgot to preheat the stupid oven." A few turns of a knob later Wario was twisting open the lid of the sauce. A few turns of a lid later there was red slop on the ceiling and Wario's eyes were on FIRE.
"Seventy siiiiiix trombones led the big paraaaaade!" You are very lucky you're just reading this because Waluigi's shower singing is terrible. Suddenly there was a shutter rattling scream from the kitchen, Waluigi immediately turned off the water and struggled into his underpants. He was about to run to his brother's aid but the sight he saw in the mirror made him instantly forget the yell. He was completely pink! From his hair to his toes he was colored a bright pink! "Noooooo! My face!" He wailed as if something aesthetically pleasing had been destroyed. "I have to get it off before Wario sees me! He'll blab to everybody!" Waluigi grabbed the soap and tried to wash off his arms but as soon as the gel came in contact with water, the bathroom overflowed with lilac bubbles. "Aieee!"
"My eyes! Shroom, my eyes!" Wario stumbled blindly toward the sink, his eyes burning from the hot sauce. He grabbed the knob beside the faucet and turned it as fast as he could. When no water came out Wario let out an enraged yell. At about the same time the bathroom door had been forced open by bubbles setting a still bright pink and screeching Waluigi free. The suds flowed through the house, reaching the kitchen in seconds. The koopalings, who were watching through the kitchen window, fell over each other laughing at their victims as they slipped and slid in the soap.
Wario could see a bit better now; the soap had gotten the hot sauce out. The soap burned but it wasn't anywhere near as bad as the hot sauce. He heard the koopalings laughter and jerked his head to look through the window. "You rotten brats! I'll cook you into turtle soup!" You could practically see the steam coming out of Wario's ears.
"You gotta catch us first slow poke!" Jr blew a large raspberry and ran away with his still laughing siblings close behind.
Wario dragged the still stunned Waluigi toward the garage as fast as his stubby legs would allow. "Slow!? They're not gonna be calling me slow when I run em' over!" Waluigi's brain had finally caught up and he was running with his brother toward the car. They jumped in and barely missed hitting their heads on the rising garage door. They soon caught up with the koopalings but instead of screaming in terror, the kids just laughed and double jumped into a tree.
Wario tried to hit the brakes but it wouldn't budge, neither would the fully pressed down acceleration. They were approaching a cliff. "I can't stop the car!" Wario was wriggling his legs in panic.
"Just crash into a tree!" Waluigi was trying desperately to struggle out of his seat.
"But that will wreck the car!" Wario complained.
"Not as much aAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Over the cliff and through an army of tree branches they went.
The car fell apart on the way down taking thick pieces of tree with it, but the front seats stayed intact and hung on a strong limb by the seatbelts. Wario and Waluigi were still stuck to it of course. Wario was covered in tomato sauce, had lost his car, and was still hungry. Waluigi was bright pink, in his underwear, and still had carrot cake in his hair. They both were wet, angry, and humiliated. They hung there seething for a minute before Wario spoke, "Hey Wali?"
"What?" Waluigi replied shortly.
"I think I left the oven on at home." Wario said, sounding concerned.
"... You suck."
Author's Notes:
That was so fun to write! I love pranking the deserving! XD But onto the notes.
The Mario brothers and Wario guys are bitter rivals, I imagine them arguing as a common occurrence.
Waluigi's "You suck!" is a reference to a hilarious fan-comic about Luigi.
Hot sauce contains vinegar, that's why it could explode.
Waluigi was singing "Seventy-six trombones" from The Music Man.
Sorry that there is no Vanellope in this chapter but I wanted to write about the koopalings a bit.
Were my pranks too mean? Not mean enough? Leave a note in the comments and let me know!
