Vanilla Turtles
Chapter 6
Fruit candy is not a vegetable
Vanellope was impatient, impulsive, and a proud tomboy. Yet somehow she could bake better than anyone in the arcade (eat your heart out Cooking Mama!). She was pretty certain it had something to do with being princess ( aka President) of Sugar Rush, but, oh wait, that is why. Currently she was spreading merengue on a freshly made lemon-lime swirl layer pie-cake. A pie-cake is a creation of Vanellope's that has become a favorite of one Wreck It Ralph. You make a pie-cake by making two short cylindrical gram cracker cakes, two lemon-lime swirl pies of the same shape and size with a graham cracker crust, and stacking them on top of one another and covering it with merengue. Blowtorching merengue is optional, unless you're Vanellope, then it's compulsory. Sour Bill stood close by with a fire extinguisher just in case.
It had been by Sour Bill's insistence that she make it in the first place. According to him it was rude to show up to a dinner party empty handed. Vanellope had tried to convince him it was just dinner at a friends house, not a party. But also according to Sour Bill any meal you are invited to by royalty is automatically a formal event. She had narrowly escaped being forced into a puffy dress. If you haven't guessed Vanellope has been invited over to the Koopa castle for dinner; she expected they had spicy food so she was bringing a large bottle of drinkable yogurt.
Vanellope wrapped her finished masterpiece in a nice white box before it was abruptly snatched by an oreo guard and carried to her kart. Vanellope pouted and yelled after the cookie soldier, "I could have carried it myself y'know!" She hated being treated like a weakling or a damsel in distress. Vanellope started to jog after the oreo with Sour Bill right behind her.
Later, Vanellope was buckling her seatbelt, ready to head off when a monotone voice rolled into her ears. "Are you certain you won't be needing my assistance President Von Schweetz?" Sour Bill droned, he had been pestering Vanellope to take him with her all day. Vanellope knew it was just because he cared about her and was worried, but it was really starting to annoy her.
"I'll be fine you big worriball! It's dinner not a round of Slenderman," Vanellope reassured her caretaker. She started the kart. "Just think of it as a night off." Vanellope stomped on the gas peddle and waved at Sour Bill as she sped off toward Grand Central Station.
Karting through Grand Central Station is either very dangerous or mildly nauseating. Very dangerous when you have to try to avoid hitting dozens of random characters, mildly nauseating when you just floor it so you can drive on the ceiling. Vannellope drives on the ceiling-she may be a troublemaker but she didn't want to give anyone a permanent GAME OVER.
It was a pretty short drive to Mario's game but it was long enough to make Vanellope feel slightly dizzy from being upside down so long. She made a hard left, honking her horn at the pedestrians to warn them of the speeding kart. The few characters that stood between Vanellope and her destination dove out of the way just in time to avoid getting hit, they stood up calmly and casually continued their conversations. Video game characters don't get surprised by much. Behind the portal Vanellope was speeding across the dirt roads of the Mushroom kingdom in the direction of Bowser's castle. At least she assumed the large grey structure with thunderclouds floating exclusively over its crooked towers was the castle. It was also the only fortress near any volcanos.
Meanwhile at said fortress, Bowser was herding his children into the front yard. "No biting, clawing, fire breathing, shell spin attacks, or headbutting! Punching, kicking, tackling, and hair pulling are allowed but if somebody cries there's gonna be trouble." He gave his children a firm look before starting to head back inside, Roy stopped him.
"What about Jr's friend?" His tone was almost accusing, Bowser blinked and quickly came to a decision.
"One-on-one fights only, and no game overs. Seriously, I've heard Mario's victory jingle too often already." Roy blushed indignantly, his siblings giggled at his expense. "And if anyone breaks the rules it's nothing but dangerous delight and water for a week!" All the koopalings paled at the thought of eating that awful shroom dish. "Dinner is in an hour, try not to lose your dessert privileges." Bowser said half jokingly, he stomped back into the castle with the large metal doors creaking loudly as they closed behind him.
Vanellope managed not to throw a fit when the small group of koopa servants that had met her at the gate spirited away her pie-cake to the kitchen without her consent, moved her cart to the castle garage without her permission, and called her miss PENELOPE. At least she got to correct their address of her. The koopas opened the gates for her after apologizing for the name thing, and then ran off to do who knows what. Jr and what Vanellope was pretty sure were his siblings were playing soccer. No, not playing. Playing implies at least one person doesn't care who wins.
"Hey Jr!" Vanellope shouted in greeting, almost immediately the game was abandoned and Vanellope was pelted with questions.
"Are you really Jr's friend?" Larry asked doubtfully.
"What's your name? What's your favorite color? Why is there a bunch of candy stuck to your hair?" Morton shoved Larry out of the way to ask his own questions at a rapid-fire pace.
"What game are you from again?" Wendy questioned.
"How high is your IQ?" Iggy inquired as he stared at Vanellope with unblinking eyes.
"Why are you such a shrimp?" Roy teased.
"What do you do for fun?" Lemmy asked excitedly.
"Are you interested in music?" You were expecting Ludwig to ask something unrelated to music?
Vanellope took a second to think about the questions and took a deep breath, "Yes, I'm Jr's friend, Vanellope Von Schweetz, aqua, because it looks cool, Sugar Rush, high enough to know you've got a screw loose pal, because I eat in normal amounts blubberbutt, I kart race and pull pranks, and only if I can dance to it." She beamed.
Larry looked confused, Morton smiled back, Wendy nodded, Iggy blinked, Roy snarled, Ludwig smirked, and Jr had finally made it through the crowd. "Do you wanna be on my team in soccer?" Jr really wanted to draw Roy and Iggy's attention away from the possibly dangerous conversation.
"Nah-" Vanellope started before cutting off abruptly, glitching onto the field, and kicking the ball toward Roy's goal with a mischievous "Yoink!" the koopalings quickly recovered from the surprise and the game (well, more of a soccer themed war really) restarted in earnest. There was much kicking of both ball and players, trash talking, and victory dancing from all involved, that is until the ball went sailing into a pirahna plant's mouth after a particularly fierce 'my honor is on the line' kick from Roy after Vanellope called him a sissy. Then there was much groaning, complaining, and glares toward Roy and Vanellope from all involved. The two were saved when the man eating plant coughed up a ripped and slime covered soccer ball right back up and belched loudly. There was much cracking up from all involved.
Conveniently it was about two minutes until dinner at that point and after all the kids had gotten over the plant event they made their way to the dining room as a group. A shoving, yelling, arguing group but a group nonetheless. Upon reaching the dining room there was a passionate argument between Ludwig and Larry on whose turn it was to sit on King dad's right. Bowser bellowed from down the hall that it was Larry's turn, much to the dismay of the eldest koopaling.
"Except for the right of King dad's chair you can sit wherever you want," Jr informed Vanellope. She immediately glitched onto the chair left of the hulking throne of red velvet and stone that must have been Bowser's chair. This angered the other children who had been racing for the spot but a second ago. Ludwig was closest and was fuming. Before he could reprimand Vanellope's inconsiderate behavior she started teasing in a playful tone.
"Don't get so worked up, it's just a chair! See?" She glitched into the seat second closest to the throne. "It's not like I'd stay there forever!" She chortled as Ludwig stared at her, mildly dumbfounded. He almost lost the chair due to his hesitation. Wendy had made a leap for it but her plan was foiled at the last second. Jr heaved himself onto the chair next to Vanellope while the other koopalings bickered over their places.
When Bowser came galumphing in the final seating order was decided instantaneously. Bowser sat in his throne with a content smile from seeing his family all in one place and not fighting. Starting from Bowser's right the seating was Larry, Lemmy, Roy, Iggy, Morton, Wendy, Jr, Vanellope, Ludwig. "Alright kiddos, here's the deal. Tonight we're having roast wackabumps-" Bowser's speech was interrupted by a cheer from Lemmy, "You're only allowed two each." Groans from half the koopalings. "And you're not getting anything else until each of you finish your koopa pilaf." This time all koopaling groaned.
"Excuse me, but, I have no idea what either of those things are." Vanellope stared questioningly at Bowser who looked briefly confused before coming to a realization.
"Oh yeah, I forgot you're not from here. Wackabumps are little buns you get by smashing a wacka mole in the head with a hammer, you only get them in Mario games though. Koopa pilaf is herbs and horsetail." After seeing the look on Vanellope's face Bowser elaborated, "Horsetail is an onion." Vanellope relaxed.
"I hate horsetail." Morton grumbled.
"You hate all vegetables Morton, but you're still gonna eat em'." Bowser said sternly. Getting kids to eat vegetables is a challenge all parents have to deal with, even if they are a ten foot fire breathing turtle with gigantic teeth. "If that's it for the interruptions, if you finish off your greens you can have a hot dog and if you didn't do anything truly appalling today you can have a piece of chocolate cake and whatever dessert Vanellope brought." Vanellope could almost feel how everyone in the room suddenly developed a good opinion of her.
The roast wackabumps and pilaf were brought to the table first. The servers gave everyone two bumps and one pilaf as promised. They also brought everyone a glass of bright orange liquid that Jr explained was mango juice. Everyone at the table started talking to someone next to them stopping only to take sloppy bites of their food. Ludwig was the only koopaling who seemed to know the meaning of "table manners." Bowser also knew but just didn't care.
Vanellope bit into a bump experimentally; it tasted like garlic and buttery mashed potatoes. It was crisp on the outside but surprisingly fluffy on the inside. The pilaf tasted like raw spinach and caramelised onions, it was uncooked and made loud crunching sounds in Vanellope's mouth. The mango juice good but would it have killed them to add ice?
Jr kept Vanellope entertained by subtly moving his pilaf with a spoon and stage whispering "It's alive!" He also started a cutlery sword fight, made a hand puppet out of his napkin, and created a game where they used the spoons as catapults to fire cherries into their finished glasses of juice.
"Morton, putting your napkin over your food will not made it go away!" Bowser bellowed, Morton put the vegetables back on his plate sulkily. Soon after everyone had finished their vegetables and Bowser had the hot dogs brought out. Vanellope wondered if their first conversation had something to this.
The hot dogs were tender, juicy, and well seasoned enough that they didn't need ketchup. Jr's imagination triumphed again when he used the buns as sailing vessels for the great sausage grease lake, attached a piece of lettuce to his chin pretending to be the 'Weenie Guru', and used the leftover cherries and butter knives to play miniature hockey.
"Alright kids, you've been cool today so you're all getting dessert." Bowser announced to a cheer from the crowd, "And you better thank Vanellope here for-" he was interrupted by Roy.
"Jr's got a girlfriend! Jr's got a girlfriend!" It was a mocking chant as old as the playground itself, and still as effective as the day it was invented. Many koopaling giggled while Bowser sighed in exasperation. Jr growled at his brother, mostly to buy time to think of a retort. Vanellope didn't need any time at all.
"If that's true," Vanellope started off calmly, "you're single and lonely! You're single and lonely!" She used the same mocking tone Roy had used. Cue the one second long shocked pause before eruption of laughter.
Roy blushed and replied with the usual "Am not!" Respond used mostly by children ages 4 to 15.
After Bowser had gotten everyone to calm down he allowed dessert to be served. Bowser allowed Roy to have dessert, he thought he had been decently humiliated already and taking away the cake would only add insult to injury. Unlike the previous courses when there was conversation, dessert had the undivided attention of all.
Vanellope loved a good chocolate cake, and this cake had all the qualities of one. It was more fudge than cake, there was a bucketload of frosting, and every bite melted in your mouth. Vanellope's pie-cake received a five star review from all, in this situation a five star review means begging for a second helping with big puppy dog eyes. She felt pretty darn proud of herself when she took a bite of it herself. The crust was sweet and buttery, the cake parts were moist and light, the pie filling was flavorful and refreshing, and the meringue was cooked to perfection. Vanellope gave herself a mental pat on the back for a job well done.
Vanellope nearly threw up on the way home. She had eaten waaaaaaay too much. But it had been a really great night. Jr's siblings were crazy and really annoying, but they were also creative and funny. Even Roy played a great game of soccer. Bowser was a friendly guy once you got to know him. And Jr had made the whole thing as easy as possible, not that Vanellope wouldn't have enjoyed a challenge.
Author's notes:
Wow that chapter was long!
Sour Bill's job is to take care of princess Vanellope, even if she is a president now.
Cooking Mama is cooking simulation game that I think is adorable and fun.
In koopa culture fighting is a very important tradition, there is no room for pansies in the palace. Bowser would of course split up any fight between his children that was getting out of hand.
Bowser thinks Vanellope is stronger than she appears, which is true but not to the extent Bowser assumes.
In the cartoon version of Mario Bowser's children referred to him affectionately as "King dad"
All dishes provided by the koopa's can be found in "Super Paper Mario"
I have no idea which Mario game Jr lives in, I just assume it's a mix of all of them.
Sorry if I spent too much time describing the food, but I write during 4th period which is right before lunch so I'm kind of hungry.
