Chapter 9
Daring Duo or Devilish Dunces
Remember the phrase "I triple dog dare you!"? It made no sense and and still doesn't, yet with the threat of being called a chicken hanging in the balance I have seen kids do some really stupid stuff. I personally poked anyone who called me a chicken in the face repeatedly while saying "Peck! Peck! Peck!" over and over. Apparently this idea never occurred to Vanellope and Jr.
"I triple dog dare you to eat dirt!" This was a dare as old as, well, dirt. Well, actually it was as old as dares since dirt is far older and only had to worry about worms until then. Vanellope picked up a mound of dirt without hesitation and bit into it. Jr burst into laughter.
"It's chocolate, gummy bear brains! We're in sugar rush!" Jr stopped laughing, momentarily embarrassed. He just wasted his turn making his opponent eat chocolate. Smooth. "I triple dog dare you to ride skittles!" Vanellope announced confidently.
"What?" Jr's brows furrowed in confusion. Vanellope rolled her eyes.
"Skittles is the uni-candy-corn that lives in the Maize maze, uh doi!" Jr raised an eyebrow, how was that challenging? The only reason Jr could think of for Vanellope choosing this dare was so she could see him do something out of character. Oh Jr, if only you knew.
"So I just have to ride a stupid unicorn?" Jr snarked.
"Uni-candy-corn, and yeah, you have to stay on his back for at least ten seconds," Vanellope amended.
The Maize maze was a candycorn maze smack dab in the middle of a field. It was unnaturally quiet as Vanellope and Jr approached. "It smells like burnt sugar around here," Jr complained as they entered the maze.
"Quit yer whining, it's not that bad!" Vanellope insisted. Suddenly a chubby, rounded, and adorable unicorn-like creature stepped out from behind a turn. It looked at Vanellope and Jr with big round eyes. "There he is!" Vanellope shouted, she pointed at the squishy animal.
Jr smirked, "This is gonna be easy." He ran toward Skittles with full intention of leaping onto the creature's back right away. Skittles faced Jr with the full intention of biting him in half with its newly revealed razor sharp teeth. Skittles roared and started sprinting toward the now fleeing Jr. "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"
Vanellope watched from on top of a maze wall, "Be careful, it breathes fire!" A fireball shot past Jr's ear.
"Now you tell me!?" Jr bullets through the maze trying to escape the insane candy monster long enough to think of a plan, he has to think of one pretty quickly when he runs into a dead end. Instead of slowing, Jr speeds up and runs up the wall as high as he can. Skittles crashes into the wall, momentarily stunned. Jr flips in the air and lands on the enraged beast's back. Sadly Skittles doesn't like being ridden.
Imagine if you will trying to ride a pinball while its in play, then add an angry horse head trying to eat you and you have Jr's situation. As Jr clung desperately to the nutball animal's back, Vanellope started to count down from ten. She actually counted down quicker than normal seeing her friend was in a serious pickle, but too stubborn to say uncle.
10… Skittles bucked up harshly, 9… Skittles threw his weight from side to side at a breakneck pace, 8… Skittles jumped up and down violently, 7… Skittles tries to bite at Jr but can't reach, 6… Skittles tries doing rapid pace back flips, 5… Skittles slams into the maze walls, 4… Skittles tries slamming Jr into the wall but his shell deflects it easily, 3… Skittles tries somersaulting but Jr's shell protects him effortlessly, 2… Skittles tries running through his own fireballs but Jr is immune, 1… Skittles thrashes around randomly trying to dislodge the koopaling, 0… Jr lets go and is thrown out of the maze by Skittles's bucking.
"If any of that had a chance of hurting you, that would have been so cool," Vanellope says to a face down Jr. Jr groaned but didn't move, he didn't feel like removing his face from the dirt, yet he wanted to get feeling back in his arms first. "Skittles gets bored really easy since nobody takes the maze challenge anymore, right Skittles?" There was a dainty snort and Jr's eyes snapped open. He jumped to his feet and gaped at the sight before him. Vanellope sat on a completely calm Skittles showing no sign of fear. Vanellope smiled at Jr's incredulous expression. "Skittles it technically the Royal Steed so only the ruler of Sugar Rush can ride him. Thanks for playing with him anyways. He's been restless for DAYS." Skittles whinnied sweetly.
"I triple dog dare you to ask Joker why he's dressed like a mime!" There are people in life who think walking across the street during a thunderstorm is daring, then there is Vanellope who would stand on top of a tall hill with a copper umbrella and call Zeus a wuss.
Joker was standing next to the entrance of his game, smiling at passers by to make them uncomfortable. With Batman only ten feet away it was the best he could do. He was almost startled when a high pitched voice came at him from around his knees where something was tugging on his pant leg. "Hey cream cheese face." Joker smiled maliciously at the small girl below him, she just pointed at him and asked, "How come you dress like a colorblind mime?" And in one wonderful moment all hell broke loose.
Vanellope glitched away from the homicidal clown as he grabbed at her. She glitched on to Ganondorf's shoulder without him noticing, then glitched away again when Joker tried to grab her again but ended up tackling the powerful sorcerer instead. By now Batman was on the scene and just in time to dodge shadow blasts with Joker. Most evacuated in order to escape, some stayed to watch, and two characters joined the brawl for fun. Jr and Vanellope watched from a safe distance and even started narrating the fight much like sports hosts would. This made many onlookers laugh.
After a lot of destruction Joker had been carried home by Harley Quinn, Ganondorf had left with a limp, the two aggressive characters were unconscious on the floor, and Batman was… um. "Gotcha!" Jr and Vanellope flinched as the caped crusader grabbed them by their shell and hoodie. "I don't know what you two thought you were doing but both of you are in serious trouble."
"Let go you big cough drop!" Vanellope struggled and screamed but didn't glitch, that would mean abandoning Jr who was flailing his short arms with no effect. The duo was carried toward the entrance of the Mushroom Kingdom, and this caused a lot more struggling on Jr's part. Batman's grip remained strong as they made their way to Bowser's castle.
Bowser was signing paychecks to his soldiers when one jogged into his office looking annoyed. "Sir!" The koopa saluted, "There appears to be a character of the heroic persuasion closing in on the castle. He's carrying prince Jr and Vanellope but they look more afraid of coming to the castle than the hero sir." Bowser groaned in frustration, if it wasn't one thing it was another.
Bowser stood, "Thanks Paul, you're dismissed." Paul gave his king a casual salute and left quickly to get back to his post. Bowser galumphed swiftly downstairs to meet the poor schmuck who had fallen victim to one of his kids. He reached the front yard just in time to see Batman walk through the open gate with a nervous Jr in one hand and a pouting Vanellope in the other. "What did he do this time?" Bowser asked wearily.
Batman's expression didn't change, "He dared his friend," Vanellope waved at Bowser innocently, "to ask THE JOKER why he dressed like a mime." Bowser's mouth twitched, "They then tricked the clown into attacking Ganondorf." Bowser held back a snicker. "Then they narrated the fight as if it was a baseball match, taunting the brawlers and calling them names like Halloween decoration and seltzer brains." Bowser exploded into laughter. "Sir this is serious!"
Bowser looked the caped crusader in the face still chortling, "Heck yeah it's serious!" He jovially slapped the dark knight on the back, making Batman momentarily lose balance. "Seriously hilarious!"
Author's notes:
Gotta love cartoon violence and slapstick.
Skittle was originally part of a challenge for Ralph by King Candy but was cut from production. You can see Skittles in deleted scenes from the movie.
It's common knowledge who Bowser is, he's part of one of the oldest games in the arcade.
If no one gets hurt (who doesn't bring it upon themselves) Bowser views his children's antics as funny or clever.
