Twice Into The Same Stream
Chapter 7
by Kate04
January 2005
She was awake when he came back a few hours later, sitting up propped against several pillows with an old book without cover in her hands. They had moved her to her own room since her condition was stable enough to take her off the monitors. It made it easier for her to get some much needed rest. Standing in the half open door for a while, he studied her, brow furrowed as she squinted at the pages in front of her. He remembered seeing her broken glasses on the ground next to her when he had found her and wondered if she maybe had a spare pair he could bring her. When he pushed away from the door frame against which he had leaned, Sharon looked up at him, closing the book and placing it next to her on the bed.
Walking into the room, he dragged a chair over to her bedside and sat down. The pain he had seen in her eyes earlier was still present, maybe even more so now that the initial disorientation had worn off, but there was something else in them. It took him a moment to recognize, as he had never associated this particular emotion with the kick-ass woman he knew. Fear. Sharon Raydor was afraid and that realization made his own heart clench in agony, hatred for the man who did that to her burning inside him, leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. They had already put the asshole away. All that was left for him to do was try and help her feel safe again. Taking one of her hands in his, he gave it a reassuring squeeze, a soft smile tugging at his lips when she closed her fingers around his.
"Hey. How are you holding up?" he asked quietly, holding her eyes with his to let her know that he wouldn't take anything but the truth. She hummed in reply, her voice sounding more like her usual smooth tone. "I'm still here, so I guess it could be worse."
When he raised an eyebrow at her evasive answer, she sighed before she elaborated. "It hurts. I feel nauseous, but being sick hurts even more, so I am trying very hard not to do that again." She closed her eyes briefly, her free hand protectively covering her belly. When she looked at him again, anguish and regret darkened those bottomless pools of emerald, taking his breath away as fear gripped his heart in its iron fist once more.
Sharon knew what he wanted to know, could see her own fear reflected in his intense gaze, but she was afraid that saying it out loud would make it more real, that she could somehow keep the inevitable from happening if only she kept it to herself. However, Andy had a right to know, and maybe he would leave her alone with her grief once she told him. Taking a deep breath, she let the words rush out, resisting the urge to look away from him. "I am having cramps." She didn't think it necessary to mention the bleeding, as understanding transformed his expression, sorrow deepening the lines on his face.
The doctor had told her that it was too early to say anything, that it could still turn out all right, but she had been there before and it was hard to keep past experience from influencing her attitude. Andy looked as if he wanted to talk about it, to reassure her, to somehow make it better but she simply couldn't take it. It was all too raw, she was too close to breaking and she would not do that in front of him or anyone else. When he opened his mouth, she just shook her head, wincing at the increased throbbing behind her eyes the sudden motion caused. He seemed to get the message, as he gave her a short nod and squeezed her hand. He straightened a little in his chair, slipping into his role of police officer, the familiar air of professionalism settling over him like a comfortable, well-worn shirt as he started to update her on the investigation of her assault. It was a distraction from a topic that was too painful to talk about, and she couldn't be more grateful to him.
"We got Sanders. The guys were already looking for him by the time I got there. When the Chief talked to Agent Howard about what happened to you, he told her that you had asked him to look into Sanders' finances and what he found out when he did. With the evidence we already had and everything you collected, we got him to confess. According to him, he worked alone within the department, but I guess that's something you and your guys will have to look into."
He gave her one of his crooked smiles and an eye roll to convey his thoughts on her division before he went on. "So when you're feeling better you'll have to give an official statement for the records, but there isn't gonna be a trial. The DA offered Sanders a deal. He gave up the names of the people within the cartel he's been working with and in exchange he goes down for corruption and assault on an officer."
Sharon could tell that he was unhappy with that deal, that he would have preferred to see Sanders stand trial for all those people they knew he had killed or helped to kill. Although she knew that they would get to some of the bigger fish with that deal, she was inclined to agree with him. If they got a good judge and the DA managed to sell it well, he might get ten years, which seemed so unfair when she thought about the innocent little being that might not get a chance to live because of him.
"Good. That's good. I am glad it's over." There was not much more she could say and it was true; she did not wish to think about Sanders and his side business and she did not regret not having to testify against him, even though she wished he would have to pay a higher price for his crimes.
Silence fell between them, covering them like a thick, oppressive blanket. The discomfort they felt was not the result of words they did not have, but of too many things they had left unspoken. It was there, the big, white elephant in the room and Sharon knew that they would need to talk about it. She saw it in his eyes, the quiet intensity of his gaze as it drifted to her hand that rested on her abdomen, only to lift to meet her eyes and then shift to fix on something else entirely. The entire time he kept her other hand clasped securely in his, thumb drawing gentle circles on the back of it in a slow, calming rhythm. A tiny spark of something came alive inside her, taking root, growing steadily every time his caress came full circle, every time their eyes connected and she saw her own fear and pain reflected in his gaze. A small, traitorous voice kept telling her that he was there, that he had come back when he didn't have to. Over the years, she had learned through painful experience how dangerous hope could be, and she had no intention to put herself into that position again. How well did she know him anyway? She had no way of knowing what he wanted, how he felt about her and the situation they found themselves in.
"Were you going to tell me?" Andy asked quietly, his head tilting towards her belly to indicate what he meant. Pain and betrayal were clearly visible in his dark eyes and Sharon felt a quick flash of irritation flare up inside her at the fact that he would think her capable of that kind of deceit. However, he had no reason to think otherwise considering how little they really knew each other. His experience with his ex-wife certainly did not help him trust her.
"Of course. I would never keep that kind of secret from you and I would never even think about keeping you from your child if you wanted to be part of its life. I merely intended to wait until things were a little more certain."
Turning her hand over underneath his, she let their fingers entwine, drawing strength from his firm, warm grip. "After Ricky they told me that I wouldn't be able to have another child. I didn't expect this and with my age-" She drew a thin breath before she continued, her voice hoarse with pain and fear. "It already was a high-risk pregnancy before this happened. I simply wanted to wait to see if there was anything to tell you. I didn't see a reason to tell you or anyone else when the likelihood of losing it was so very high."
Andy stared at her in open disbelief, shaking his head and opening his mouth several times in an unsuccessful attempt to reply. When he finally found the words, it was easy to detect the barely suppressed anger. "So what you're saying is that you went through all that uncertainty on your own and that you were prepared to deal with the heartbreak of losing a child without any support?"
She merely shrugged, immediately regretting her action when sharp pain shot through her body. "It wouldn't have been the first time," she whispered, forcing herself to look at him when all she wanted was to hide, to curl up and cry in agony from her injuries and the probability of having to say goodbye to this little creature without having met it. She didn't even know why she told him about that other time, a little over a year after Emily was born. Those terrible months when Jack had left her the first time, not knowing that she was pregnant. By the time he returned, it had all been over and she had not found the right moment to tell Jack about it, at least not at first. Years later, she had told him because she had been angry and determined to make him pay for everything he had put her through. Back then, all it had gotten her was a dark look, further recriminations, and another couple of years of loneliness as her husband had walked out once again.
The gaze that met hers now burned with tenderness and instead of resentment his tone was full of kindness as he gently brushed a few strands of hair behind her ear. "Well, this time you won't have to."
She wanted to believe him. She wanted to let herself fall and trust that he would catch her, that he would hold her up when her own strength was not enough. However, there were too many reasons why she could not, why it would be a terrible idea to lean on him, to let him stay. Shaking her head, she tried to extract her hand from his, her eyes shifting to a random spot on the wall as she tried to pull away from him. "You really should leave. There is no reason for you to be here."
Andy would not let her withdraw, tightening his grip around her fingers. "No," he growled, "I'm not letting you do this again. I walked away once and it was one of the worst things I've ever done. It's not going to happen again."
His determination was hard to resist. He seemed so certain, but she knew that it could not work. "There was a reason we walked away from this thing a few months ago and that reason is just as valid now as it was then. What you are suggesting is impossible." If only it did not feel so right. If only she could ignore how every single word hurt as it came over her lips. He just shook his head again, struggling to remain calm, to hold on to what little patience he had.
"It's not impossible. It wasn't then and it certainly isn't now. We were just too scared to try. We thought that we could walk away and it wouldn't hurt, that we would protect ourselves by not trying. I'm not sure about you, but it didn't work out for me." With a raised eyebrow and a pointed glare he waited for her reply, one she refused to give, because he was right; it had not worked for her, either. His grunt and the slight curl of his lips told her that he had understood what she could not say.
"Sharon, I almost lost you before I even really got to have you and that would've been my fault for letting you go when I should've held on. I thought about you. Every day. And there wasn't a moment when I didn't regret not fighting for you, but if you can look me in the eye and tell me honestly that you want me to leave, I will walk out right now." The last few words were only a soft whisper, showing her how hard they were for him to say.
She knew what she should answer, that the only right thing to do was to send him away, but when she opened her mouth, nothing came out. Eventually, she dropped her gaze to the blanket in an attempt to avoid the raw emotions in his dark eyes. The gentle pressure of his fingers underneath her chin forced her to face him again and she thought she would drown in those burning pools of chocolate and affection.
"I don't want you to tell me how difficult it's gonna be or how it's gonna mess with our work relationship. I need you to tell me what you want. If you don't want this, I'll accept that. But if you're willing to give it a try, we'll figure it out. I'm not saying that it's gonna be easy, but I know that it's gonna be worth it.
Taking the slightly creased ultrasound picture out of his pocket, he held it up for her to see. "Sharon. We are worth it. Together. This is proof of that."
Staring at the grainy image of the small miracle they had created, her tears were impossible to hold back. "This very likely won't be there much longer. We shouldn't cling to false hope like that. It's only going to end in even more pain."
Clasping her hand with both of his, he squeezed it gently, letting his thumb caress her soft skin. "I can't promise you that it will be all right, but I can promise you that, whatever happens, you won't be alone."
"Andy…." More tears ran down her cheeks as she whispered his name, her voice breaking on the words that followed. "It's going to be over soon…"
His fingers squeezed hers once more. "Maybe. We'll see. But we won't be. I want you, Sharon. I want us. With or without this child. What do you say?"
She studied him for a long time, her thoughts so jumbled they made her dizzy. Her first impulse was to run, to tell him to get the hell out of her room and never look back. That part of her that had been hurt over and over again was frightened by the idea of giving another person the power to destroy her. At the same time she wanted to cling to him and never let go. She wanted him just as much as he wanted her and all those arguments against exploring that option sounded less and less reasonable the longer she considered them. If they ended up being parents, keeping their involvement away from those who knew them would be a moot point, anyway. And if her worst fear should come true, the thought of having someone to share that loss with, a pair of strong arms to hold her and a broad chest to rest against did not sound so bad. In the end, she simply could not believe that they would be put into each other's lives only to have to deny those intense, all-consuming feelings. All that they were, all that they felt, and all that had happened only made sense if they were meant to be together, to at least try and make it work. Nodding, she smiled at him through her tears, tugging on his hands to make him lean down to her.
It started as a soft kiss, lips brushing, lingering for a long moment as they breathed the same air. Then tongues started to explore, gently at first, but soon they got lost in a heated duel that left them breathless. When her head started to spin, she pulled back, one of her hands resting against his cheek as he remained in her space, a happy smile on his face. Once she had breath enough to speak, Sharon voiced her most pressing question. "So, what do we do now?"
She was thinking of their long term plans, of what they would be to each other, of who they would tell and where they would go, but Andy ignored that aspect of her question, his eyes sparkling mischievously. "Now you're going to scoot over a little and let me hold you."
He did not have to ask her twice and even though the tiniest movement hurt more than she thought possible, she gladly took it if that meant she could feel his arms around her again. Once they were settled with her head on his shoulder and her hand resting over his heart, they both truly relaxed for the first time in a very long while, the feeling of rightness almost overwhelming. The thought that they could have had this all along if only she had not been so stubborn made her sad, but maybe they had to arrive at that point in this particular manner. Life was an ever changing stream, always flowing, constantly turning. The opportunity to start over, to find oneself at the same crossroads and make a different decision came rarely, so there was all the more reason to grab it with both hands when it did. They had done the sensible thing and it had made them miserable. With this second chance it was time to go with what their hearts told them, to jump into that stream and not look back. Whatever happened next, they would face it together.
So, this is it. Thank you so much for sticking around till the end and for all your favorites, follows and wonderful reviews! I realize that this ending is a little more open than many of you might like, but I think this is the right place to stop.
However, it is quite possible that someone - who I will not name to protect her from being hounded ;-) – might want to write a sequel. The idea is there, so once she has the time, I'm pretty sure it will happen. :D
