Sorry no update for a while, I've been in Germany you see... Contains some violence and some undescribed nudity (much to the Fifth's horror) Oh and this version of the Eleventh belongs to me, but Roberta belongs to me. Different me's you see.


Mel poked her head round the door of the TARDIS.

"Doctor? Doctor, have you found it yet? I'm all changed now!"

She stepped out onto the dry ground, looking somewhat confused. She had changed clothes during the journey, and was now thankfully fully clothed.

"Doctor?"

The Sixth Doctor lay still, a long stripy scarf tied around his head. Rose obviously didn't know the meaning of 'bow', as he was slowly but surely suffocating. Already, he had passed out and it looked like he might not be breathing for much longer.

"DOCTOR!"

Mel ran over to him, shocked at the horrible brutality of the Sixth's attempted murder. Untying the scarf, she tentatively brushed the side of his pale face in an attempt to gauge the amount of life still left in him.

"Doctor, what should I do? Oh, dear!"

Looking down, the ground soaking up the rain as if it were Rose Tyler and her imagined affection by the Doctor. What should I do, what should I--

Memories; schooldays, teachers, lunch breaks spent reading a textbook. Lessons. First aid.

Resuscitation.

Mel bent down beside the Sixth's prone form and slowly, ever so slowly, lowered her head...

...and the Sixth woke up just before she could actually do anything. Seeing Mel's face so close to his, he screamed and fainted again.

Mel swore.

The Sixth Doctor came to quickly and got up, brushing his coat off to remove the dirt that marred its beautiful fit-inducing colours.

"What happened, Mel?"

"I don't know," said Mel, "but I came out of the TARDIS--"

"Nice outfit," the Doctor interrupted, "and it probably saved all our lives."

"--and the Thing was gone, you were unconscious with a scarf wrapped round your head and everything else was as it is now."

The Sixth Doctor looked around, surveying the bodies. The Fourth had a shocked expression on his face which belied the method that he had been dispatched by; Romana's neck looked rather unhealthily bent and the rest of her could have belonged to a ragdoll; the Seventh Doctor's body was so bruised it was almost unrecognisable; the Third was sporting a rather nasty head wound that was trickling blood down his nice white curls; Sarah just looked unconscious and the Fifth Doctor was standing up, looking rather pale and clutching somewhere I'd rather not describe, thank you very much.

"Aha!" said the Sixth triumphantly. "I appear to be in the best shape of everyone here!" He then promptly fainted from the lack of oxygen he had yet to restore to his body. Mel screamed and began to slap him. Again she bent over him to perform CPR and the Doctor woke up. The Doctor screamed and fainted again. The Fifth was severely winded, and the Fourth was beginning to stir. His face was covered in ugly blisters, and he was in an awful lot of pain. The Third was coming round too, blood crusting on his brow. He got up and dusted down his most prized possession, Sarah. She did not take kindly to this and brushed herself off irritably. However, the Fourth and Romana were still out cold, and the Seventh was standing there looking bemused. Everyone crowded round the senseless Gallifreyans. Mel leaned over and slapped Romana. She woke up, punched Mel in the eye and stole her purse.

"AHA!!" shouted Romana as she found a Dalek in her purse. She promptly destroyed the purse, and therefore the Dalek. The Fourth was so surprised by this he regained his senses.

"We had better get these two into the TARDIS and cure them, they look very worse for wear," the Fifth said, before picking up the Fourth and carrying him into the TARDIS. The other Doctors fought to pick up Romana but Sarah saved Romana by carrying her in instead. The Doctors then fought to pick up Romana's hat. Inside the TARDIS, the Fifth and Sarah had put Romana and Doctor into bed and let them sleep off their injuries. They then went outside to find the Doctors looking guiltily at Romana's ruined hat.

"Oh dear, what HAVE you done?" said Sarah. The Third changed the subject.

"QUICK! AFTER HER!!" The others looked at each other bemused, before running after him to capture Rose. As they crested a hill, they saw a scene that gladdened their hearts.

Rose was besieged by Daleks!

However, Rose was in fact eating them. They looked at the scene disappointedly. Rose then noticed them, and ran after them shouting something that sounded like "I LIKE TASTY SKARO." The Doctors and Mel took off like startled lambs, and hid behind rocks as the monster ran past. Still muffled "exterminate"s could be heard coming from her stomach. The Third began to panic.

"I never was much good at defeating Roses, the Fourth was always better, and he's back in the TARDIS asleep!" the Third shouted hystericallly. Rose heard and charged towards the Third, but he whipped off his cape, and with one sweep brought it round and netted Rose's head neatly. Rose screamed shrilly and ripped the cape to smithereens. The Third gaped at his wonderful cape, and started attacking Rose with the Fifth. Rose was knocked back, she hit a rock and caught fire. She rolled about on the floor and extinguished herself. The Seventh brained her with his umbrella, and the Fifth stood on her head. Rose removed her trousers and began to whip the Fifth, and they all ran off, frightened at a trouserless Rose.

"By gum, that's worse than Jamie kiltless!" shouted the Third as they ran back to the Fourth and Romana. They dashed into the TARDIS and slammed the doors. They went in to find the Doctor awake and looking at the ceiling, and a pregnant Romana lying on her side asleep.

"Oh dear, not one of the best ideas," said Sarah despairingly. How she knew Romana was pregnant is a mystery, one that only Rassilon can solve.

"Neither was ruining Romana's hat," said the Third, "but we did it anyway."

The Fifth was still whimpering and shaking from the horrible experience of being whipped with Rose's trousers and the horrible sight of actually having to see trouserless Rose up close. The Seventh patted him rather sheepishly on the head and tried to console him, but it was no good.

The Fourth suddenly leapt out of bed - literally - and jumped around a bit, his vitality clearly restored to him. He looked over at pregnant Romana and screamed shrilly.

"ARGH!"

"Was that your doing?" asked the Third.

"What, the scream? Of course it was; look, I can do it again, see, ARGH!"

"I mean... that!"

The Third went quite red. His mouth opened and closed as if trying to form the right words, but his brain couldn't quite find ones that weren't very explicit.

"What?"

"He means pregnant Romana," interjected the Seventh, twirling his umbrella in annoyance.

"Yes."

The Fifth began to froth at the mouth ever so slightly, but the other Doctors were focusing only on the Fourth. Their jaws gaped rather unbecomingly; their arms and legs went limp; they fell to the floor in astonishment.

"Get up," said the Fourth Doctor, "I was joking."

"Then whose doing was it?" said Sarah, confused. "Do you know, Romana?"

"No!" she said rather hotly.

"Hmm," said the Fourth. "It seems there's a mystery on our hands, which only Rassilon can solve!" The others turned and looked at him sceptically.

"Err I mean, TO THE WARDROBE!!" The others continued to look at him sceptically.

"Why?" ventured Sarah.

"Why, to get Rose some trousers!"

"Aaaah!" the others aahed. They went to the WARDROBE, collected a pair of jeans that would have fit a small elephant, and dashed outside. Rose was still in the same place, making sculptures out of Dalek bits and bobs. The Fifth sneaked up behind her, eyes tight shut, and whipped the trousers onto her. Rose saw her trousered self, screamed and began to whip the Fifth with...oh no... OH NO...OH NOOOOO!!!!!

The Fifth fainted in horror. The others looked very much like they would like to follow his example, but luckily they weren't as shaken and didn't really want to present a nice easy target for the topless Beast. Sarah quietly dragged the Fifth back to the Fourth's TARDIS and tucked him up safely in bed, where he couldn't be traumatised any more. Then she ran back to the battleground as quickly as she could.

"Aha! Sarah!" said the Fourth, trying to fend off an angry Rose and talk at the same time and doing rather well, considering the Rose didn't have a top on. "I wonder, could you just keep this thing distracted? I have a plan, you see, and.."

Sarah did as she was told and ran towards the Thing screaming. The Third sighed.

"He did say 'keep it distracted', not 'commit suicide'!"

The Fourth turned slightly towards the Third, who stepped back a pace when he saw the Fourth's wild, staring eyes.

"She knows what she's doing; don't doubt her," whispered the Fourth, and punched Rose. She fell over screaming, but even this was no match for Rose's by now superhuman powers.

Growling, the Thing advanced on the terrified Doctors; its feet kicking up great sprays of mud as it ran; its face snarling and monstrous; its hair blowing out in matted clumps behind it; its chest... actually, we'll not go there.

Seventy metres to go.

The horrid poison breath served as an advance welcome to the Beast's arrival, and the Doctors covered their mouths as one.

Fifty metres to go.

The Thing was accelerating. They could see its awful, bloody grin grinning on in its savage mask of a face.

"Hold steady..." the Seventh whispered, hands shaking as he removed a small metallic flask from his pocket and took a deep drink.

Twenty.

The grin was getting closer. Sharp white teeth were bared in a bloodstained smile.

"Sorry," said the Third, and stopped smiling.

Ten.

They could see the whites of its monstrous eyes.

Five.

Terror.

Absolute terror.

One.

"ROSE!"

The Doctors peeked out through the gaps between their fingers, still cringing from a blow that never would come.

"ROSE!"

It was Sarah! The brave companion was holding a small rubber dog and a hastily-scrawled sign reading "I AM TASTY, EAT ME" and dancing an impromptu jig whilst attempting not to slip in the mud and fall down with a thud.

The Doctors stared, unable to say anything for a long while. The Rose thing growled and ran off to pursue the plump and tasty-looking Sarah, who threw the sign in its face and managed to escape while it was clawing blindly at the paper.

"So, what's your plan?" asked the Seventh Doctor, looking sideways at the Fourth's distinctive profile.

"I can't remember."

Sarah slipped in the mud and fell down with a thud. Rose clawed the sign out of her bloodstreaked eyes and charged after a fallen Sarah, but she slipped in the mud and fell down with a thud. The Fifth emerged, saw the peril and led the Doctors in a straight charge. The pincer movement worked very effectively and Rose was crushed between the Doctors, whose eyes were tight shut. The Seventh made a fatal mistake. He found himself hugging Rose.

"AARARRGGGGHGHGHGHHHRHRHGHGH!!!!" the Seventh screamed as the Thing's skin burned his. His wonderful hat ignited and he fell to the floor. The Fourth acted bravely by putting his hat over Rose's head.

"VISION CIRCUITS IMPAIRED!! I CANNOT SEE!! I CANNOT SEE!! REINFORCEMENTS REQUIRED!! EXTERMINATE!! EXTERMINATEEEE!!!" Rose shouted. Then she took the hat off, and punched the Fourth between the eyes. He fell down wounded. The Fifth had a cricket stump and prepared to drive it into Rose, but the Fourth's falling body knocked him and he only managed to pierce her ear. The Third ran over and rescued Sarah, and the Fifth and Romana had to rescue the wounded Doctors. The Seventh was too injured to continue, so they thrust him in his TARDIS, hit Ace over the head, then set it into the middle of the Milky Way. The Seventh left the planet with a wheezing screech, then the TARDIS left too. The Fourth was perfectly fine. Rose recovered from something and charged Romana catching her in the midriff, causing her to miscarry. Rassilon arrived temporarily.

"Romana, I AM THE FATHER OF YOUR DEAD BABY!!" He then disappeared into the wild blue yonder.

The Fourth's ear twitched involuntarily. Romana fainted (not because the Fourth's ear had twitched, because of the terrible revelation she had just heard.)

"COME BACK!" screamed the Third. "LORD RASSILON, COME BACK! Would you like immortality, Rose?"

Rose didn't understand the Third at all and headbutted him in the midriff, which didn't cause him to miscarry but instead did cause him considerable pain. The Fourth rushed to the rescue, but got time scooped halfway through and found himself sitting down rather hard on a patch of grass in Gallifrey's Death Zone.

The Fifth Doctor stared at the spot where his previous incarnation had disappeared while the Third attempted to wrestle the Rose-thing to the ground using his cape to prevent actually touching it.

"He's gone, me, and there's nothing we can do about it right now, so just help me get rid of this horrible thing!"

The Fifth misunderstood and attempted to remove the Third's frilly shirt. This made the Third quite annoyed, and also quite disturbed.

Rassilon arrived temporarily.

"Sorry, I made a mistake just now. That should have read, "Rose, I AM THE FATHER OF YOUR BABY!!""

He then disappeared into the wild blue yonder once more.

"COME BACK!" screamed the Third. "LORD RASSILON, COME BACK!"

A faint voice that sounded a bit like the Master's said something that might have been "Stop repeating yourself, it isn't helping matters!".

"PLEASE CAN YOU HELP US GET OUR THIRD INCARNATION BACK FROM THE DEATH ZONE?" the Third continued. "ALSO, CAN YOU GET RID OF ROSE?"

"NO!" Rassilon shouted back.

"AND WHO'S ROMANA'S BABY'S FATHER?"

"I'VE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA!" said Rassilon.

"Why are you talking in capitals?" asked the Fifth.

"I THOUGHT I'D STOPPED TALKING IN CA--OH NO." muttered the Third. "RASSILON'S DONE SOMETHING TO ME."

He hit Rose to make her stop attempting to run off with his cape.

"Rassilon's done something to Rose too," the Fifth said.

"HE MUST HAVE BEEN DRUNK!" said the Third. "THERE'S NO WAY ANY SANE INDIVIDUAL WOULD..."

The Eleventh Doctor arrived and said something about a rift which nobody could hear. He then tossed his other incarnations a jelly baby each and went.

"HE'S GIVEN ME A YELLOW JELLY BABY, THE FOOL!" said the Third, and stuffed the jelly baby into Rose's mouth. Rose spat it out disgustedly.

"Wait! I said something about a rift, didn't I?" said the Fifth, eyes gleaming in sudden inspiration. "Why don't we just chuck the Thing into it, close it and have done with all this?"

"GOOD IDEA, ME!" said the Third excitedly. "BUT HOW DO WE GET CLOSE ENOUGH TO THE RIFT TO CHUCK ROSE IN? INDEED, HOW DO WE FIND IT?"

Romana stirred a little, and Sarah, glad of something half-way interesting to do, grabbed the bowl off the Time Lady and began to stir vigourously. Romana sat up indignantly.

"Oh, by the way, Rassilon wasn't the father of your child," said Sarah. Romana fainted again in relief, but soon woke up as the Third was still cursed to talk in capitals.

"I WISH MY NEXT INCARNATION WAS HERE," said the Third, pouting a little. This was a groundbreaking event in the history of the Doctor's life, as he had never pouted before. There were some who wished he would never do it again, too.

"So do I, me," the Fifth sighed. "I wonder what's happening in the Death Zone?"

--

No sooner had the Fourth Doctor appeared in the Death Zone then it began to rain. Wrapping his scarf round himself protectively, he put on his hat and surveyed his surroundings with interest.

They weren't very interesting.

Still, it WAS the Death Zone. One could only begin to wonder what lay in store for the Doctor here. More to the point, one could only begin to wonder why he had been time scooped.

The Doctor got up, brushing the mud from the seat of his grey trousers in annoyance. It looked like he would have to find out, didn't it?

Thunder pealed, and the Doctor realised just what that meant before he dodged neatly out of the way of the bolt of lightning that followed; a rather remarkable feat, but one he did not really have much time to congratulate himself on. Looking up, he found his eyes drawn inexplicably to a dark silhouette that stood on some far hill.

"Ah," said the Doctor, "I see!"

He began to run towards the Dark Tower, clutching both ends of his soaked scarf to him so as to avoid tripping over.

"HALT!"

He halted.

"IDENTIFY YOURSELF!"

"Oh dear," said the Doctor, and ran very fast in the opposite direction. The figure looked rather disappointed that he had been run away from, and began to cry. The Fourth found a TARDIS, thought what a stroke of luck, and dashed inside, and went back to the others, taking Susan with him. The First was left abandoned in the Death Zone, until a Cyberman came along and tried to launch him.

The Fourth arrived in the First's TARDIS and opened the doors. He stepped out to rejoin the others but smacked straight into Romana. Both the Fourth and Romana looked at one another dazedly, before toppling backwards unconscious.

"Oh not again!" sighed the Third, before reviving them. The Fourth jumped up immediately, and pushed Rose into a chasm.

"She'll survive that easily," the Fifth said.

"I know," the Fourth replied. "It's just to buy some time so I can call my ninth self to get those Torchwood gits to open the rift so we can push Rose in!"

"Err Doctor, how are you going to call your ninth self?" Sarah enquired. The Doctor got lost in her eyes, so Romana gave him a map and a compass so he was fine.

"Well dearest Sarah, I shall use Rose's phone, which I will modify!" the Fourth said grinning like a lovable loon.

"How long will it take to modify?" she continued.

"I already will," the Fourth replied.

"What?" Sarah continued to enquire. "Actually, don't bother. And how did you get her phone?"

"I took it off her."

"Where was it?"

"In her bra," the Fourth said. They all gaped at him in shock, except Romana who looked betrayed and Sarah who just gaped.

"IN HER BRA???? YOU PERV!!" shouted Sarah after 10 minutes of gaping.

"It fell out when she took it off and put it on the Fifth's head."

"AARRGGHHH!!!" screamed the Fifth at the revelation that he had Rose's bra on his wonderful head, and indeed he did. Without further ado, the Fourth typed in a number (how he knew which number is a mystery, one only Rassilon can solve, and he's off somewhere in the wild blue yonder) and called his 9th self.

"He hung up on me!" the Fourth raged. Rassilon arrived, solved the mystery, then disappeared. The Fifth did something extremely odd, and gave everyone a hug, before collapsing, the contact with Rose and her clothing had finally proved too much. The Sixth began morris dancing with Mel and Rose crawled out of the chasm. The first thing she noticed was the Doctors, Sarah and Romana covering their eyes. Then she saw the morris dancing Sixth and Mel. Then she saw a Rutan dashing through hotly pursued by the eleventh swinging a flamethrower and dragging Roberta with him. The Fourth tchahed.

"Tchah," the Fourth said.

"Why did you Tchah?" enquired the Eleventh, after cooking the Rutan to a Rutan shaped crisp.

"You pressed the OTR button!"

"Oh. Oh Rutan."

"What's OTR?" enquired Roberta.

"I don't know Robert."

"ROBERTA!" shouted Roberta.

"NO, HE'S THE DOCTOR!" came the thunderous reply. Everyone turned and shushed Romana, she was being a bit loud after all.

"Anyway," the Eleventh continued, "OTR stands for Opens The Rift."

"Oooooh!" The Third looked at them and swirled his much repaired cape.

"HANG ON, DID YOU SAY 'OPEN THE RIFT'...?"