So here's the thing about fanfiction disclaimers*:

They suck.

[Disclaimer: this disclaimer sucks.]

Contrary to popular "internet" belief, they are NOT a form of legal protection against lawsuits. Not contrary to popular opinion, they are as annoying as hell. It's a fanfiction platform. Perhaps THE WORLD'S LARGEST FANFICTION platform. No shit we don't own it.

So why the fuck do we bother?

Tradition?

Nostalgia?

…Misinformation?

Who the hell knows. I'd love for there to be some sort of poll out there to get that sort of info and help spread it among our fandoms and peers. But I digress. We're here to talk about the disclaimers themselves.

[Which, as you now know, are about as useful as nipples on a breastplate. Or a restrictive, lightly-armored corset that leaves the neck, shoulders, and chest exposed…that and unbound, waist-length hair on a female warrior (I mean, really, Ann Maskrey, the immortal, ages-old Elves still haven't figured out how to make supportive, comfortable, aesthetically pleasing UNDERgarments? But conveniently have a technology boom in Sportswear for Women in the intervening 80 years before Frodo reaches Rivendell? Really? #continuity, #Ngila Dickson ).

Disclaimers are legally useless. They are aesthetically annoying, especially when you waste valuable summary space and interest space at the top of a first chapter. The only—I repeat—only purpose a fanfiction disclaimer can possible serve is brand recognition. And if your brand is boring, blasé, or contains common catchphrases or the thrice-dreaded three letter abomination 'lol', then you need to fire your PR director.

[Or, to quote a brave little hobbit whom we all admire, "I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."]

The moral of the story is: Don't use a disclaimer.

The corollary of that moral is: If you insist on using a disclaimer, use your disclaimer to say something interesting. Stand out.

Meanwhile, in a parallel universe…

You know nothing, John Ronald Reuel Tolkien—Ygritte

All your base are belong to J.R.R. Tolkien.

J.R.R. Tolkien fa-la-la-lally, down in the valley—Lindir

ph'nglui mglw'nafh J.R.R. Tolkien wgah'nagl fhtagn—Cthulhu

Elen sila J.R.R. Tolkien omentielvo—Frodo Baggins

Melenkurion abatha! Duroc minas mill J.R.R. Tolkien—Theomach

The enemy's gate is Tolkien—Ender Wiggin

Any sufficiently advanced J. R.R. Tolkien is indistinguishable from magic—Arthur C. Clarke

One Tolkien to rule them all—Celebrindor

Blood for the blood god! Skulls for J. R.R. Tolkien!—Khome

To seek out new life, and J.R.R. Tolkien—Spock

Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink wattoom gazork. Chumble spuzz J. R.R. Tolkien—Calvin

The Road Not Tolkien—Robert Frost

Determination, Destination, and J.R.R. Tolkien—Wilkie Twycross

Sorry, the part of the annoying, legally useless disclaimer is already Tolkien—Donkey

Perfect speed is being Tolkien—Jonathan Livingtston Seagull

Wingardium J.R.R. Tolkien—Ron Weasley

"Water," the Dutchman said. "Well, and J.R.R. Tolkien"—Peter van Houten

There are some who call him…Tolkien?—Tim the Enchanter

Ygolotuat a osla. Remiamlcsid a si siht—Mirror of Erised

The first rule of fight club is you do not talk about J.R.R. Tolkien—Tyler Durden

…now that's what I'm Tolkien about!

So at this point you might be wondering, "Wait, is she breaking fourth wall here, or merely leaning on it?"

["Is this real?" I once asked Gandalf. "Or is it all just happening inside my head?"]

"Is this thing a Meta fic, or a 'This Is Reality' trope?"

["It is said 'do not meddle in the affairs of wizards'," he told me wisely. "For they are subtle and quick to forget the topic at hand."]

Followed quickly by:"Wait…is she insane-?"

["That's not an answer," I argued.

"Of course it is," said Gandalf. "It's just not an answer to the question you asked. What do they teach in schools these days?"]

…The answer, of course, is probably yes and; not only but also; neither, nor; either, or; but then; yet still; and finally, 42.

These are the memoirs of the Starship Ida Anderson, told in the style of recursive fan fiction. Ida would like to thank the Academy (she would also like you to know she's always wanted to say that). In the interest of giving credit where credit is due, many of these above disclaimers were derived from the witty and wonderful Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality, by far the best version of the Potterverse ever written [no offense and all, J.K., but Eliezer Yudkowsky does it better…and more logically consistent.].


*Disclaimer: J.R.R. Tolkien and his Estate owns The Legendarium. I'm now being held prisoner by the fanon's best-beloved psychotic Elf and senile Dwarf Bromance/OTP. Please for the love of fuck tell him to take them back!