"AARRGGHHH!!!" screamed the Fifth at the revelation that he had Rose's bra on his wonderful head, and indeed he did. Without further ado, the Fourth typed in a number (how he knew which number is a mystery, one only Rassilon can solve, and he's off somewhere in the wild blue yonder) and called his 9th self.

"He hung up on me!" the Fourth raged. Rassilon arrived, solved the mystery, then disappeared. The Fifth did something extremely odd, and gave everyone a hug, before collapsing, the contact with Rose and her clothing had finally proved too much. The Sixth began morris dancing with Mel and Rose crawled out of the chasm. The first thing she noticed was the Doctors, Sarah and Romana covering their eyes. Then she saw the morris dancing Sixth and Mel. Then she saw a Rutan dashing through hotly pursued by the eleventh swinging a flamethrower and dragging Roberta with him. The Fourth tchahed.

"Tchah," the Fourth said.

"Why did you Tchah?" enquired the Eleventh, after cooking the Rutan to a Rutan shaped crisp.

"You pressed the OTR button!"

"Oh. Oh Rutan."

"What's OTR?" enquired Roberta.

"I don't know Robert."

"ROBERTA!" shouted Roberta.

"NO, HE'S THE DOCTOR!" came the thunderous reply. Everyone turned and shushed Romana, she was being a bit loud after all.

"Anyway," the Eleventh continued, "OTR stands for Opens The Rift."

"Oooooh!" The Third looked at them and swirled his much repaired cape.

"HANG ON, DID YOU SAY 'OPEN THE RIFT'...?"

"No, I didn't," said the Eleventh, "I said 'Opens The Rift'."

"OH."

The Third looked down at the ground, slightly ashamed. He then turned to the Fourth in sudden revelation.

"WAIT A SECOND... HOW DID YOU GET BACK HERE?"

"I used my TARDIS, of course," said the Fourth, looking rather confused.

"BUT HOW DID YOUR TARDIS GET THERE? I'VE BEEN FACING IT FOR THE PAST FIVE MINUTES."

"You have?"

"Yes."

"Wait a second," interjected the Sixth, tired of morris dancing, "didn't my third incarnation get here about ten minutes ago?"

Mel collapsed and fell into the chasm that Rose had just crawled out of, which caused the Sixth to stop interjecting and jump bravely in after her. This alarmed the Third and Fourth so effectively that they ran over and looked down the seemingly endless hole in panic.

"Here, grab hold of my scarf!" shouted the Fourth, his voice echoing and bouncing off the walls of the chasm. The Sixth, his bravado having run out somewhat, tried to. Unfortunately he had fallen for more than 13 1/2 feet by now, and all that came up the hole when the Fourth pulled his stripy scarf back were despairing screams (and the Fourth Doctor's scarf, of course.)

There was a painful-sounding thud, and then silence.

There was another painful-sounding thud, and Mel let out a bellow of pain that wouldn't have sounded out of place coming from a wounded bull.

"Sorry!" said the Sixth Doctor faintly, from the bottom of the hole. Mel growled.

The remaining Doctors looked at each other apprehensively. The Third was wondering what would happen to him next, as he was the only one who had escaped being separated from himself so far.

Then he got time scooped.

"Oh, for goodness' sake!" said the Fourth in exasperation. "Can't they come up with something more original?"

They couldn't.

"And now I'm all alooone!" he howled like a wolf.

"No you're not," said Sarah and Romana as one. The Fifth, still unconscious, didn't say anything. The Fourth stopped howling.

"Ah, two lovely ladies!"

His eyes lit up. He then realised that this behaviour was not at all in character, so he stopped this too. Everyone got very confused and Rose chose this moment to make another appearance from behind a rock. The Fourth pulled the Fifth's jumper off and very bravely put it on Rose's head.

The Fifth sneezed and woke up. He looked down in suprise at his lack of a jumper, and the unlack of a jumper on Rose's head.

"RIGHT THAT'S IT! I AM NOT TAKING THIS ANYMORE!" With that, he punched the Fourth, took his jumper back off Rose, bashed her with his bat and broke all her ribs, and had a good wash.

"Ooooh an assertive Fifth, that's rather useful!" said the Fourth delightedly. "Now go and be assertive with the real enemy!"

"Right, I will!" With that he went into his TARDIS, which disappeared, but only briefly. Within seconds, it was occupying its previous spot. Out stepped the Fifth, dragging the Master along. He began to slap him.

The Fourth sighed.

"I meant the other enemy, but nice idea anyway," he said, while slapping the Master too, before disintegrating him. The Master reintegrated, then ran away.

Meanwhile, the Third was driving round in a car that had a striking resemblence to Bessie. He tried to find some way for him to get back to help him to destroy Rose, but couldn't find anything. He decided to find Rassilon, and drove towards the tower, serenading the skies.

"I CROSS THE VOID BEYOND THE MIND

THE EMPTY SPACE THAT CIRCLES TIME

I SEE WHERE OTHERS STUMBLE BLIND

TO SEEK A TRUTH THEY NEVER FIND

ETERNAL WISDOM IS MY GUIDE

I AM THE DOCTOR.

THROUGH COSMIC WASTE THE TARDIS FLIES

TO TASTE THE

"STOP, STOP, STOP!!!!" shouted Rassilon. "I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" With that, he removed the curse, and the Third could speak normally again. He also put him back where he was supposed to be.

"Yay!" exclaimed the Third, and Sarah ran to hug him. The Fifth hallooed him.

"Halloo!" shouted the Fifth to the Third.

"Hell," sighed the Fourth, and everyone looked at him strangely. "--o."

"How did you get the curse broken?" asked Romana. The Third shrugged.

"I just sang the first song that came into my mind. My amazing voice leaves even Rassilon speechless. Speaking of Rassilon, have you found the father of your dead child yet?"

"Not yet," said Romana. "It's a bit disappointing really."

The Fifth, proud of his new-found assertiveness, walked up to the Fourth in a rather aggressive way. The Fourth went pale, his eyes rolled back into their sockets, he raised a shaking hand... and fainted clean away before the Fifth had a chance to knock him out, which was what he had been about to do. A bit mystified, the Fifth Doctor quickly made the best of a bad job and shook his fist assertively at his previous incarnation's prone form.

"And that's for your insufferable need to control everything that I do!"

There was silence. The Fifth turned assertively to see Rose standing behind him. He screamed assertively, hit the horrible thing with his bat a few times for good measure, ran away and managed to trip over the Fourth's scarf and get it caught round his shoe, which made him and the Fourth fall down the chasm that Mel and the Sixth had disappeared down earlier.

Assertive screeching floated up from the bottom of the hole, interspersed with bellows and 'Ouch!'s.

The Rose thing, uncertain of what on Gallifrey was going on here, looked round in confusion. Sarah and Romana hid behind the Third, who couldn't find anything to hide behind and so decided to kick Rose.

"And so the final battle begins!" announced the Third rather self--importantly. "Only I can fight this nightmare, and fight it I shall!"

He ripped off his cape, rolled it into a small ball and threw it behind him.

"All alone I undertake this task to--"

"I hear the pompous voice of my next regeneration!" said a new voice. The Third turned in horror to see the face of the Second Doctor, and the body of the Second Doctor too of course. The Second grinned.

"Hello, fancypants! Look who I brought for the ride!" Out of the Second's TARDIS came Victoria, who saw Rose and screamed shrilly, which in turn summoned Jamie who came out, thankfully wearing a new kilt. Rose saw it, and thought, 'Urrgh, this new kilt is yellow, uurrgghh', so she ignited it.

"DOCTORS, MY KILT!"

Al heads turned towards the sauce of the disturbance. All heads looked away, visions of a kiltless Jamie recalled from before, but luckily this Jamie had a burning kilt. Sarah solved the problem by running over and spitting on it.

"I say Doctor, did you really need to drag we away from that, I must continue my report!"

With that, the Brigadier appeared from nowhere. The TARDIS from which he had appeared from was blue. Yes.

Then, as soon as he saw Rose, he brought up his gun instinctively, and opened fire. Bullet's ripped through Rose and then through the Fourth Doctor who had crawled out of the chasm. Sarah yelped, Romana burst into tears, Victoria screamed and the Brigadier shot at him. No change there then. Except for Romana bursting into tears.

Then, the Fourth turned into a Zygon! Sarah yelped, Romana sighed, Victoria screamed and the Brigadier shot at it. Then the Zygon ship landed on it. The hatch opened, and out ran the Fourth Doctor, chewing on a bit of a doorframe, pursued by a Zygon yelling "DON'T EAT MY SHOP!". The ship then blew up, exterminating the Zygons. Thankfully the Doctor survived, though the end of his scarf ignited, and like a fuse the flame ran along it, edging closer and closer to the necklace of dynamite the Fourth had decided to wear. Fashion and all that. The speed of the flame picked up, burning his scarf all the while, edging closer and closer...