Chapter 5
Note: I will not be doing every episode of the entire Legends of awesomeness because of how long it would take as well as the parts that were just plain stupid. I will still mention those episodes if maybe just in a passing word or sentence. Also a special thanks to MuffledEagle22 for helping me find a place to continue the story along with supporting the story line.
Well it's time to continue where I left off...now let me see what was the next trouble we had...oh...it was that time that Po hung out with Fung the Croc bandit leader. The guy isn't that bad just a little...misunderstood. You know father tells him that he will amount to nothing and sun tries to prove him wrong...you know...well he did try to kill us and steal again...for about a dozen or two dozen times now. Well Po went to save Fang's supposed brother, no brother actually, and fought an army of rhinos...after finding he couldn't trust Fang and trying to correct things Po came back for a very harsh lesson of discipline.
While that was going on Viper had me go on a date with her while from the shadows I noticed a certain scorpion watching us. Earlier that week I had sworn loyalty again to her, to you know keep an eye on her and stuff, and had to tell her that I was dating Viper. She didn't seem to happy and for some reason had been all over me when we had met...she was kinda scary.
She had been following me for weeks now and I felt like I had no privacy anymore even with viper. Best part of all is that during the date Po got arrested and was being tortured...I swear he looked a little smaller after all it...might be my imagination.
After that was...heh...mantis with his ex-fiancé...oh god...that was just...heh...oh...sorry. I had to compose myself after pfft that. It all started when a messenger arrived during training time for Po and me. I was keeping up as best I could with Master Shifu while Po kinda just...passed out. Ya I know but he passed out from breathing to hard nothing else. Was hilarious if he didn't squish Shifu during it.
Sorry back on track now. The messenger arrived and Mantis was given the tiny scroll. When I mean tiny, I mean a small 1 inch by 1 inch scroll. Seriously, it was like looking at the most tiny note ever. Everyone seems keen on trying to help but the way he tries to get everyone to let him go alone seems fish. Telling Viper that I am going to follow Mantis in secret so as to make sure he gets there safe, I gather what I need to go. She agrees and gives me a kiss on the lips before I head out. Following behind as best I can, I see that...Po is trying to be stealth and yet watching him is like watching a clown...no possible way to think he is serious.
After a day and a half o walking, snacking, and snoozing I finally see Po get caught by Mantis...which is surprising as I thought it would take less than an hour. I sometimes wonder if I am the only person around here that uses their brain. Mantis began to tell Po about how his ex-fiancé had broken his heart by leaving him at the altar. Mantis told his story as fucking Po kept interrupting him.
I finally come out from my hiding spot and ask, "And what are you doing here Po? I doubt Shifu would send you unless he suspected something of Mantis."
Mantis looks nervous as he says, "What? me? up to something...don't make me laugh. I doubt that."
I look at Mantis and say, "I shall watch from the shadows as to what happens but if I do see danger from your actions than I will step in."
Taking step I walk away and watch from the sidelines as yet Po watches in shock. Mantis seems to have lied and told everyone that he was the dragon warrior so as to boast his rank towards his ex-fiancé It was quite funny to watch the villagers do something called the Jig of happy in honor of Mantis while Po began to try and ask Mantis what was going on.
After some talk it seemed that Mantis was given permission to use the title by Po who wanted to help Mantis. I swear that Po must be losing brain cells each he tried to make an idea because his latest disguise makes him look like a stupid pirate. I sigh and follow them from a good distance so as to not be seen by anyone except those trained in martial artists. Watching Po act like a fool and Mantis trying not to fall for the other mantis was kinda funny and hopeless.
Next thing I know another Mantis joins in to challenge Mantis to a fight tomorrow at noon at the square. Unable to figure out what is going on I head out to wait for them to talk to me about the more complex details. Finding details from listening to the locals I head to where they are housed and wait patiently for them.
After they arrive I say, "Po please take off that stupid getup. I wanna hit you just for wearing it. Mantis please tell me what the hell just happened. If I remember correctly I heard that the plan was to rub it in on her, be happy to everyone, and then go back home. I heard nothing about this in the plan and nothing about a fight either."
Mantis looks at me and says, "Well...plans change and well you know..."
I face palm and say, "Mantis I am giving you one chance. If tomorrow you either do not show up or just don't act serious than I will finish this by telling everyone. We have no time for bullshit and lust shit to be done. So either do this right or leave because I need to get back to training later."
Shaking my head in disappointment I get up and head out. I really hate stupidity and by god I was gonna kill one of them these days. Heading off to train my soul once more to calm the rage within my spirit I head to the edge of town. I begin to hum a song called Levels by Avicii as I begin to use Monkey and Panda style together. Using my kung-fu skills to try and train myself to stay with the rhythm of the song I find myself sinking into the music like a trance. Unable to stop myself I enter another song called Story of my life which began to show me my life when I was home. A pair of eyes watched from the village wall as I stayed in my trance.
I probably went through about twelve songs before my body gave out from under me and I fell to the ground as the trance broke. My breath was ragged and my body felt like someone had hit me with a building. I do feel that I am getting better with my stances yet this trance was slowly becoming harder to keep away. A slight touch makes me yelp in pain as my nerves yell in pain before I look down to see that mantis girl that Mantis liked look at me in concern.
She looks at me and asks, "Are you alright strange person? You seemed very at ease during your practice there."
Panting I say, "I think I pushed myself to much. It is quite hard to stay with the balance of the Chi and unfortunately I still have much to learn."
She looks at me and asks, "Why might I ask are you here? You do not seem to be like any others I have seen before."
I smile a little as I sit up before saying, "I am not from around here. I was just a regular villager before I came here and met my true path. Coming here I learned what was needed to become a better person and have since been doing what I could to help. One day I may die to help but I shall do what is needed before that time comes."
She looks at me and says, "That is quite brave of you and I dare ask but why?"
I smile and say, "Because it is my purpose and it is what is required of me for myself."
Getting up I begin to dust myself off before I bow to the mantis Lady and say, "I shall be off madam and I hope to see you again."
She watches me as I walk off to the tree line nearby. I was going to have a nice sleep in a tree. The next morning came and at dawn Po stood where Mantis should have been waiting to fight. Po got his ass kicked and the next fight was at 2. Mantis skipped again and well same thing happened...and at 6 same thing again...then Mantis told us about the marriage.
I gave up and said, "Since you are being stupid Mantis I am going to tell her tomorrow. Don't even give me that shit about love cause it ain't gonna work on me. I know love and you just got lust."
I left to train some more to stop my anger and went back into a trance once again. Finding myself worn out after all this I lay against a bamboo tree and rest as a figure I had seen yesterday comes over to speak again.
"Hello again. Might I ask why you seem more pushed for time than last time. You rushed a little that time." states the female Mantis.
I look at her and say, "I actually have something to tell you. The one called Mantis is not the actual Dragon Warrior. The one called Po is the dragon warrior and is trying to hide it ."
She looks at me and asks, "Why do you say such a thing?"
I look at her and say, "I speak what truths I know for secrets hurt people more than help them. If this hurts you to know than I am sorry madam."
She looks at me before asking me, "How could you be disturbed by this than? This has nothing to do with you."
"Actually it does. Po and Mantis are my comrades who I fight beside to help others. Unfortunately both kinda act stupid at times which causes us all problems. Because of this I have to fix the problems they cause a lot." I state as I stand up and stretch before I head out.
She watches me as I walk away and head towards my tree once more which will hopefully the last time. Little do I know but her mind is choosing something that was not a happy choice for me.
The next day began with the wedding as was suppose to happen...well kinda since Po was not there. It actually changed later when things kinda got out of hand. Po had to hold off the whistling goat and the orange mantis...the wedding also almost finished when Mantis jumped off and fought the orange mantis.
Things kinda went downhill from there as not only did the female mantis learn of mantis's secret but also he said, "Its bad to kiss and love a woman who doesn't even deserve me."
The female mantis then replies, "I don't deserve you? You don't deserve me. I found someone who loves me more than you."
The orange mantis takes this as a good thing and tries to go for her but she says, "Not you. I found someone much better than anyone here."
Sitting on a roof nearby watching all this happen I shrug when she points her tin claw at me and says, "He is my new lover and will be my husband."
Almost falling off the roof I try to gain my balance while I hear everyone gasp and look up at the strange person, me, who no one had seen before. Looking at Po I say, "Got to go. See you guys back at the Jade palace."
Getting up I jump down and run like hell towards the Jade Palace knowing this was getting a little too much for me. I also know that Viper is going to punish me yet again. I swear her punishments are cruel in the utmost way.
The days got worse when everyone had to work hard and Po had to go to prison. In prison he had to help get a certain prisoner out so as to help get an ancient hammer which could destroy mountains. While he was in prison trying to get this for a couple of days...I got in lots of trouble. Molting with Viper was scary...she got more, how do you say, clingy. Scorpion had been getting more attached as well which was making more issues happen as well. Then there was the mantis woman who I never learned the name for who has moved into the Valley of Peace has been causing me extra trouble by...believe it or not...stalking me... I am not kidding. I now have a girlfriend, a mistress, and a stalker that all had been after me as of late. They also all asked me out for a date which was scary as I pray to god that none of them saw me with the others.
Let me think of what was next...oh shit...I...I really hated that encounter
The next problem I had to deal with kinda had to deal with a female owl. It all started during meal time. Everyone was having their usual noodles and stuff but I had finally gotten my pizza recipe perfect and let me tell you something. Pizza with Chinese cookware is like peppers with salami. It just doesn't work at all. I had to specially order every damn thing with a fucking blueprint for each. It was a nightmare and took ages. I seriously owe Shifu lots of money now...I do tend to wonder where he gets all the money though.
Back on subject...we were eating when Po came in with an arrow through his head and landed on the table sending everyone's food flying. Luckily I caught mine and two bowls of noodles which I handed to Tigress and Viper. They seemed happy about that as they began to eat as they left. Knowing Viper and her ways, I left behind her eating my meat lovers pizza happily. It is so fucking hard to find meat products here and they cost a lot I swear. Well going with Viper to her special spot to eat under a tree we ate in silence with much happiness.
Viper finished her meal first before coming over to me and licking the pasta sauce off my face. Seeing what she was doing I couldn't hold back and put some right on my lips. When she got close enough to lick it off I pulled her closer and kissed her letting her feel how much love I had for her. Using her snake body to coil around me I feel her pull my face in tighter so as to force her tongue into my mouth and duel with my own. She loved doing this and at times we had been caught doing it but only to be let off with a warning.
We had a good time for a bit before a commotion began at the main temple. Getting up I followed Viper until we got to the main temple where that stupid ox from last time began to fight the furious five and me. Using the best of my skills I was able to take of about five of them while I whistled a tune from an anime movie. Po suddenly came in and attacked them with what looked to be a giant kite which I had earlier seen folded up. After some quick fighting Po used some kind of skill called the Thundering Wing Hammer which threw the biggest ox out the wall and into a mountain at least a mile away.
After everyone learned of the skill he had, they fled...even viper. I gave him a high five and said, "Not bad. Teach me it sometime. Might be able to work along with my copy cat skill that Shifu taught me last week."
Shifu sighed and brought us to a library of ancient scrolls...by ancient I mean unused and enough dust to make a museum look new. He pulled out a scroll that showed the furious five before him and unfortunately...one of them was crossed out. The person was a female owl called Fang Wang who had learned the move that Po had learned.
Shifu described how the strongest of each furious five became evil and stuff like that...but when you think about it...Po was not a furious five person and neither was I if I learned it. I saw many lope holes in this kinda crap and decided to learn the move as well. Getting Po alone later I asked him to teach me the move or just to show me what he did. Watching him closely with my copy cat skill, I learned the move after only two tries and boy was it nice. It felt like I was as light as air.
After that I kinda just watched as Po slowly was consumed by doubt and fear. I tried my best to calm him and get rid of his fears but to no avail. Finally it came to the point where he heard the furious five talk about him in private which caused him to consider leaving.
Going to Viper I told her, "Hey. Po has been acting a little scared lately and wants to head out for a walk. I'm gonna go with him to keep a close eye on him during this. I will be back in less than a week hopefully. I just got to calm him down and show him that he is a kind person. I love you honey and have a surprise for you when I get back."
Viper looks at me and says, "You better get back on time. Remember our last punishment."
I shiver at the memory of her using those cursed soaps which turned me into a girl so she could dress me up and prance me around town...I was scared to death and was quite scared that I couldn't turn back.
Well I grabbed what gear I needed to survive whatever we had to go through out in the wilds and walked beside Po who seemed happy I came with him. About halfway through town we encountered his father who he told everything to. Po then left easily though I told his father my thoughts.
"Mr. Ping please don't feel bad. I say about a week max should be enough for him to be back to eat your noodles. I bet not even three days will go past. After all they are the best noodles ever." I say to him before I nod to him and walk after Po. That day we left a sad yet happy goose behind us. We walk for about I think 2 days while going over mountains, through dense trees, over a log bridge, some swampy lands, and finally to some snow covered mountains. Not knowing where we were going I make sure to have a rope tied to Po and myself so we didn't lose each other as we kept walking.
Po finally seemed too tired to walk and just laid down where he was when the sound of wings could be heard. Po looks around on ground level as I looked above. Seeing an owl like figure above coming to land I am about to warn Po when he jumps up and unfortunately steps off the edge causing him to fall. With him falling and me tied to the rope means...shit!
With nothing to grab quick enough I am pulled after him over the ledge as the owl figure takes flight and dives over the edge after us. She grabs a hold of Po catching him with ease even for his heavy weight while I am dragged along by the rope. Getting carried the whole way while holding for dear life onto the rope was not easy even with the high winds.
We soon arrive to the cave where she resides and sleeps but I kinda missed a lot since they kinda flew me straight into the cave floor. I missed most of the talk and kinda woke up not that long after when Po stepped on my arm. Waking up I almost am run over by the owl as I dodge out of the way.
"Po what the hell did you do this time? I get knocked out for probably a second and you somehow get in trouble again. Damn it! Your suppose to stay out of trouble not get in it you stupid panda."
Po looks hurt and says, "Hey it's not my fault. She said she was going to hurt everyone at the Jade palace."
I face palm and say, "PO! Listen you idiot. We talked about this before many times. Now stop fighting and listen you stupid lard belly. First off everyone we meet does that. Seriously think for a second and tell me when has any bad people not said that. Second if she is a bad guy than why didn't she just let you fall to your death. Third I am suppose to keep you in check you idiot."
Yelling this at Po makes him shrink back as the owl lady laughs to herself. I turn to her and say, "Don't make me get started on you. I just travelled two whole days with this idiot and have run out of food. I swear to god if you cause me any problems right now than I will pluck all your feathers and cook you to make into a meal."
She looks almost shocked at my threat before she says, "But that would be cannibalism."
I look at her and say, "Look at me...okay you see? I am not like you people so guess what...bird to me equals dinner if need be. So shut up for now and either leave us alone or get some damn food before I make you food."
She almost seems to think on this before going deeper into her cave to grab some food prepared to cook. With a sigh of relief and finally having let out my temper out on someone I begin to cook the food as she and Po sit down. I really usually do not get that aggressive but with being stuck with Po alone for two days was making me have really bad ideas. One example was strangling the Panda with his own intestines after cutting him open with a spoon.
Bad idea need to get back on track. Well the meal went easy and the two seemed to have calmed down. Finishing the meal with them I smile and lean against the wall.
"Okay. now since I kinda got knocked out and finally got something to eat. Let's figure out what the fuck is going on. Fang Wang please tell me your story first and keep nothing hidden because I have little patience for secrets." I state as I lay there.
She seems surprised by this but begins to tell her story of how she had gone through her life becoming the strongest of the Jade Palace. She then told of her defeat by Master Oogway who had bested her and how she had fled here were she trained day and night.
I look at Po and say, "Now you Po and the same rule applies to you."
Po then begins his story from how he started out as a son of a noodle store owner and how his life was until now.
I then look at them both and say, "Okay so since we cleared away all misunderstanding we can make one thing clear. You both are not evil and just misguided into believing so. People fear power because those who have too much usually cause wars and death. Now do either of you want people to die because of you?"
They both shake their heads before looking at one another and I smile before saying, "Now. Let's do this the easy way. We will make this into a game. Fang Wang can be the bad guy in this story and go to the Jade palace to destroy things while Po tries to stop her. I will mediate this story so as to keep it from getting out of hand. Agreed?"
Po looks at me and says, "Sure." while at the same time Fang Wang says, "Seems reasonable."
I nod and say, "Begin." Watching from the sidelines I watch them fight.
Watching the fighting I notice that Po is at a great disadvantage because of his limitations to the ground and watch him lose quite fast for once.
Fang looks ready to leave before I say, "Hey. I need a lift if I am suppose to be the judge of this mock fight."
She nods and grabs my arms before she begins the flight back to the Jade Palace. Along the way she does ask some interesting questions.
Her questions in order were "So what are you? How strong are you? How did you calm the panda down so easily? Are you dating anyone? Are you married? What styles do you know? Where are you from?"
I answered each easily enough, "I am not an animal. I know some moves but am not a master yet. I used the power of food to calm Po down. I am dating. I am not married. I know about a half dozen styles. I am from somewhere far away for now."
We arrive at the Jade Palace where I tell her the few rules I have in place, "No killing, no maiming, and no mocking...too much. Anything else goes. Have fun."
Boy does she have fun. She literally makes the furious five look like kids compared to her and with my copy cat skill in play I learn her moves easily. I must say though that Shifu seems quite weak against her skills as well which goes to show how much stronger than him she is. Po arrives near the end with a face plant into the floor before he begins to fight Fang.
I must say but her dodging abilities mixed with air combat skills do a great combination against Po since he seems to have a hard time hitting her half the time. I think the best trick I learned during their friendly fighting was the Mongolian fireball which I must say is quite useful. Po really looked ready to kill Shifu but I knew better. I have to say that he did a nice trick to capture her.
As they take away Fang Wang I say to her, "Nice fight. I shall admit though you would have been victor of the fight if not for Po's stupid toy and trickery. See you around."
The response I heard along with...viper was, "Oh of course master. I do hope next time we meet will be during alone time. I wish to see your language skills put to better use."
I turn crimson red in the face as Viper looks at me with an evil smile. I know when it is time to run which was right then. I ran and hid as best I could but I was found eventually...that night was horrible. I was forced to be a girl once more and had to give her the gifts I had...which made is strange. With Shifu watching us I got on my knees and held out a bracelet (she's a snake so rings don't work) and ask, "Will you marry me Viper?"
...she kinda passed out but the next day she did say yes.
Well sorry everyone but this book ends here. I got to get going with my wife because it's time for our honeymoon...with my other girlfriends. Don't ask yet. I will tell you in the next book. Bye Bye for now.
