Author's notes:

Thanks again for all the reviews and love. Things are starting to pick up!

I just want to point out that it is my purpose to show that Katniss' mental state has wavered frequently, hence why some chapters she appears to be talking to herself more and experiencing black outs more than others. As with the cycle of an abusive relationship, there are ups and down, and though negative as a whole, some days are worse than others.

As always please read and review

Till next time… RavenStoryteller

RavenStoryteller RavenStoryteller RavenStoryteller RavenStoryteller RavenStoryteller RavenStoryteller RavenStoryteller

Where am I?

I awaken from my daze as suddenly as I had begun. A quick glance at my surroundings makes me wish I hadn't. I found myself staring down, 12 balconies seemingly stacked below my feet, the salty breeze stinging my face as it dried my tears. The faint scent of sweat which woke me tickled my nose. It was then that I realized I was its source. My sudden awareness of my own condition gave way to striking pain, radiating from my left knee. Back to the ledge, I slowly stepped down, stumbling against the wall 6 feet back. What if I hadn't?

"Where am I?" I dared to let my confusion part my lips. My hair grazed my cheeks as I peered into the night sky. The moon seemed to call to me as I once again found myself distracted from my current predicament. "Why?" I asked the sky. As if expecting an explanation, I stared at its opulence. Surely such a peaceful sight had the answers. Who am I talking to? While I was still confused over my whereabouts, I was certain that I was alone. I preferred it that way. I was better off alone.

In the sky, I found the answers to my questions. I was on the roof of the Crescent Pearl, the condominium complex in District 4. It was not the peaceful vacation it once was, though I made sure to conceal my feelings from everyone. It was once a yearly reminder of family, fun and love. This year it was a cruel charade, marred by Cato's constant watch. Even in my most private moments, I felt his eyes on me. I hadn't the courage to suggest he stay home. Then again, my family was oblivious to his constant abuse. So, to spare myself any further pain, I just went along with it, locking away my inner most thoughts. If I didn't know how to react to my feelings, how could they?

I had been here before, on the roof, though this is the first time I did so without knowing why.

"Again." The only word I can muster at my latest revelation. What is happening to me? Another episode, I thought. I blacked out again, my mind trying to spare itself from Cato's rage. I felt my heart sink as I realized I wasn't getting better, it was getting worse. The lapses in time becoming more frequent, making it harder to keep track of even the simplest of memories. However, this time, the result of my blackout was almost too frightening to imagine. With that, I gave myself a quick pat-down confirming that, while shaken, I was okay. But next time, I wondered, would I be so lucky?

Desperate for a distraction, I reached for my cell phone. The screen flashed and within the split second it took the time to update on the lock screen, I took notice of the expired time.

"9:11pm. Now 1:54am." Almost five hours of my life lost. The last thing I remember was quickly pushing that same button, locking the screen and blocking the view of others. What was I doing? With a bit of hesitation, I swiped my unlock code across the smeared screen. My note pad app was still open; the most recent note, my journal I kept on my phone, was stamped "9:05pm". With almost no thought, I opened the entry. I felt my eyes well up as I dropped the phone, horrified at my last word, from my previous train of thought…..

"Jump."

I sat on the concrete, cold in contrast to the warm summer night breeze. I couldn't bear the thought of my own instructions. How close had I come to making that word my last?

"You've got a fast car,

Is it fast enough so I can fly away?

I gotta make a decision,

Leave tonight, or live and die this way."

I sit singing, trying to comfort myself. Suddenly, the words hit harder that the ever had.

I picked up the phone, deleting each of the four letters, only to replace them with five new ones….

"Leave."

I wasn't sure what came over me. Perhaps I was just my nerves getting the best of me. Regardless of the reasoning (or lack thereof), I sprinted into action, not second guessing myself. I fled to the stairwell. The elevator would have offered less control to me, and I felt as though only the movement of my own legs should guide me. I ran, down God knows how many stairs to the 5th floor. I hesitated as I reached the door to the unit that was to house my family for the next week. I slid five feet to the right, remembering that I had left the window to my bedroom slightly open earlier so I could feel the gentle breeze which now stung my swollen eyes.

"Quiet," I whispered to myself as I slid open the window and stepped inside, gingerly placing my feet on the sand worn carpet. I froze for a moment, listening for signs of life, but only my own breath was detected. I glanced upon the barren room. My bags still packed, thrown across the bed and nearby floor, an instant reminder of the pain that lead me to this moment. I made my way to the door, carefully stepping over the broken glass on the floor, while bracing myself against the wall it had shattered on. I peered into the darkness, unsure of what I would find. Silence.

Slowly I made my way down the narrow hallway, passed the remaining bedrooms to the living room, briefly pausing as the cold tile beneath my toes transitioned into plush carpet. I scanned the space, unsure of what I was looking for, until my eyes rested on my mother's purse.

"Mom." Up until now I hadn't thought of her, or anyone for that matter. I felt my chest tense, just as I had on the roof as I realized the full weight of my decision. Running from this, meant running from her as well. What about my father? Oh my god PRIM! I glanced at where she slept on the sofa, just 15 feet in front of me. She would never forgive me. I had become something of a mother to her when my mom decided to go back to school. For the longest time, she would slip and call me "Mom….err… Kat." And here I was, about to walk out on her. It wasn't her fault. It was mine.

NO it was Cato's. Even worse. Devastating the ones I loved because someone I forced down their throats. My sore eyes released another tear. I was coming undone, just as I had every other time I tried to escape my tormentor.

I squatted down, holding my face in my bruised hands. Something caught my eye. The glow from beyond the sliding glass balcony door. Slowly, I lifted my head to meet its gaze. Once again, the moon had captured my attention, this time; it appeared to dance its own reflection in the calm ocean waters. Its fullness was something I longed for, and its presence embodied everything I had wished for so long. It was if it was calling me, as ridiculous as it sounds.

Suddenly, as if something had come over me, I turned my back on the sky once again. I reached into my mother's purse and removed her wallet. $800 in twenties. She always traveled with cash, afraid that her credit card number would get stolen. As I went to replace the now empty wallet, a note pad laid a light scratch on the back of my hand, as if to alert me to my next step. With some digging, I pulled a pen from her bag and without thought began to transfer my thoughts onto the paper. Before I knew it, the skinny page was full and I signed my name at the bottom. "This is only for her.", I thought of Prim.

I slowly crept into the room my parents shared, and carefully laid the paper on her nightstand and glanced at the face which resembled my own, as a final tear glided down my chin. And with that, I exited as quietly as I had entered.

I didn't turn back as I fled back down the hall to my room, locking the door behind me. I could feel my body moving, yet my mind had no control over my actions. I grabbed my bags (a small duffle, a backpack and my purse) and climbed back out the window. Down the hall, down the elevator, and out of the building.

The wind blew against me, as if to push me, but I am determined this time.

I was not going back.