Our heroes enter the theater and take their seats in the usual row. They sit in this order: Bret, Sean, Hunter, Shawn.
Hunter: I think it might be a good idea that Bret and Shawn stay separated during this misting. (watches the theater screen count down)
5…4…3…2…1
Sean: Houston, we have a problem.
Hunter: (sounding like the head of the space shuttle control room) What's the situation?
Sean: Horrible fan mail about to make its appearance.
Hunter: Roger that. Brace yourself.
Dean Bret Hart
Shawn: 'Dean'? When did you start working at a college Bret?
Bret: That's supposed to be 'dear'. (shakes head in disbelief) A spelling error in the first line.
Sean: We're in for it then.
Let me start by saying that you are absolutely positively unquestioningly and unconditionally my favorite wrestler of all time.
Shawn: What did she do, swallow a thesaurus? 'Positively', 'unquestioningly' and 'unconditionally' all mean 'absolutely'.
Bret: Well, her heart's in the right place.
Hunter: Too bad her commas aren't in place.
I remember watching you when I was just a little girl way back in 1891.
Hunter, Shawn, Sean: (laughs)
Shawn: If Bret wrestled in 1891, that would make him like…(thinking)
Sean: 150.
Bret: This writer needs an editor, badly.
Hunter: (to Bret) Unless she really is over 116 years old and thinks she remembers seeing you in 1891.
The first paper view event I got to see was Summerslam 91
Shawn: Summerslam 1891.
Bret: That's enough of that.
You were wrestling mr perfect.
Sean: Forgetting to capitalize a name. That's just laziness.
The match was amazing astounding awesome
Sean: (impersonates a cheerleader) Oh, wow! Like, totally freak me out! I mean, right on!
Shawn: What was that?
Sean: Sorry. My wife likes the movie Bring It On and has made me watch it too many times.
The way you two went back and forth on each other
Shawn, Hunter, Sean: (laughs)
Bret: You all have sick minds.
Shawn: So do you if you know what we're thinking just from a laugh.
As I got older, I was able to appreciate not only your talent, but how good you looked. You looked
Shawn: (as the author) Like a drowned swimmer with seaweed stuck to your head instead of hair. But I like that look.
Bret: (getting upset) Shawn…
so good in your pink tights and Perfect's perfect body and blonde hare made him look like a god.
Hunter: Curt is rolling around in his grave right now.
Shawn: With his pet rabbit.
Bret: (upset) Shawn!
Sean: For once a sex joke that no one's yelling at me for.
Of course I was rooting for you, saying,
Shawn: (as the author) Help! I can't move, I'm rooted to the ground. (not the author) Get it? Rooting.
Sean: That was weak Shawn.
"Go Bret go
Shawn: Go back to Canada where you belong.
Hunter: Shawn, cut it out already.
Sean: Yeah, before Bret kills you.
Bret: I'm not going to kill him.
Sean: (to Bret) You're showing a lot of control.
Bret: I'll just wait until he falls asleep tonight. Then, I'll kill him.
Hunter: (realizes Shawn is looking his way) No, you are not sleeping in my room tonight.
I knew you could win the Intercontinental title. And you did even though you hit the guard rail. I really thought you hurt yourself.
Bret: It's called selling a match. Something I was the best at.
Sean: Didn't you break your sternum for real doing that same move?
Bret: (slightly embarrassed) I slightly miscalculated, yes.
Then, you stripped perfect at the end of the match.
Shawn, Hunter, Sean: (excited) Whoo…
Sean: Take it off!
Bret: (smacks his head with the palm of his hand)
I also loved your match with Davey Boy Smith at Wembley Stadium in Summerslam 92
Shawn: (about to open his mouth)
Bret: You say it, and I promise you, you had better plan on sleeping with one eye open tonight. (Shawn wisely closes his mouth)
All the reversals and moves that you and Davey did. That backwards bulldog was amazing.
Hunter: (to Bret) Didn't you do that because Davey forgot to catch you?
Bret: Yes. I had to save myself.
Sean: Didn't you also say that Davey crotched you on the top rope?
Bret: Yes. He didn't mean too though.
Shawn: That's not what I heard. (Bret glares)
You always put so much emotion into your matches. Specially, when you were facing Owen.
Hunter: That's the third dead wrestler mentioned. Let's all take a moment of silence to remember them. (all the men bow there heads down and stay silent for a minute, Bret is really impressed that they do this)
I really thought you and Owen hated each other.
Bret: Again, it's called selling.
Shawn: I don't know. Owen did tell me…
Bret: I don't want to hear it.
You were in too many great matches to name.
Sean: So please don't.
That's why I was deeply truly sincerely
Hunter: Someone please tell this girl how to use a comma.
Sean: Someone please tell her to stop using a thesaurus.
depressed when Vince screwed you.
Shawn: Because the author realized that she'd lost her chance to screw him herself.
Bret: Shawn…
Shawn: Hey, everyone made jokes about Vince screwing me when we read "The Betrayal of Shawn Michaels".
I cried and cried for weeks.
Shawn: So did Bret.
Sean: If she cried when you were screwed Bret, then I wonder how she felt when you received your concussion and were out of wrestling for good.
Hunter: She probably wore black for a whole week.
Bret: She's not that devoted of a fan, is she?
I tried to watch you in WCW, but they put you in such bad story lines.
Bret: That's the only thing I've ever agreed with a fan fic on.
Sean: Yeah, Bischoff really knew how to mismanage talent until the talent no longer looked talented anymore.
Hunter: Someone's bitter.
Sean: Oh, and your career went so far when you were just known as Paul Lavesque.
And then Goldberg that Stone Cold wannabee that couldn't wrestle his way out of a paperbag
Shawn: Mule kicked Bret right in the head further scrambling brains that were already scrambled to begin with. (Bret keeps himself from looking Shawn's way)
kicked Bret really badly.
Shawn: My way sounded so much better.
Hunter: So why don't you write one of these fan fics and send it to Marie?
Shawn: Marie only chooses bad fan fic to send us.
Sean: So yours would be a sure pick. (Shawn glares at the Kid)
Shawn: (to Sean) If I write that fan fic Kid, it's starring you.
So you retired and never wrestled again. I was devastated.
Sean: (as author) So much that I considered suicide.
Hunter: Not hard enough, it looks like.
That's why I was so happy when I have heard that you were aboard vince's satellite.
Bret: What, was it broadcasted to all of Earth?
I knew I just had to send marie this letter so that she could get it to you.
Bret: You really shouldn't have.
Know that you will always be my hero and that I take great pleasure in knowing that I can reach you any time I want.
Sean: You're screwed Bret, again.
Bret: I don't like it that it says 'I can reach you any time I want'.
Hunter: Yep, expect calls at one in the morning.
You're mine Bret.
Shawn: Then please, do me a favor, take him.
Bret: Shawn…
You always will be.
Bret: My wife would strongly disagree.
I'll write soon.
Shawn: You mean they'll be another one of these?
Your number one fan,
Mina Thomasin
Hunter: Oh (makes a horrified face)
Sean: What?
Hunter: Well, you remember that movie Misery?
Bret: The one where that crazy woman holds her favorite writer hostage?
Hunter: Yeah. Just that number one fan comment made me think of that movie.
Shawn: Pray you stay healthy Bret.
Bret: (to Shawn) Was that a threat?
Shawn: Just an observation.
The End
Bret: Thank goodness.
Shawn: And here I thought you liked your fans.
Bret: Yeah, the sane ones.
Shawn: So, that means you like a total of what, three? (Bret glares)
Sean: Perhaps we should get out of the theater. (our heroes get up and start to head out of the theater)
Hunter: (by Shawn's side) Shawn, when are you going to stop tormenting Bret? Even I'm starting to think it's getting old.
Shawn: It's fun. I don't want to stop.
Bret: (turns around) I can't wait for one of your fans to write to you.
Shawn: Why's that?
Bret: Because your fans are all little girls 16 and under.
Shawn: They are not. They're also women unsatisfied by their boyfriends and husbands.
Sean: Too much information.
Hunter: (our heroes exit the theater and make their way to the den) Let's face it guys. Any fan letters we get are going to be bad because those are the only ones Vince are going to send. On the plus side…
Sean: There's a plus side?
Hunter: It's a plus for you too Kid. So far Vince seems hell bent on tormenting Bret and Shawn and not either of us.
Sean: Now that is a plus. (our heroes make it to the den and make themselves comfortable)
Shawn: Mmm…I really am wondering if Marie would accept a submission from me.
Bret: Why? So you can torment me not only through your physical presence, but through your horrible writing.
Shawn: One, my writing's not horrible. And two, for once, my subject of torment is not you. It'd be one of them. (tosses his head in the direction of Hunter and Sean)
Hunter: You wouldn't.
Shawn: You and Sean have been getting off way too easy.
Vince: (appears on screen) I wholeheartedly agree.
Sean: Wait, don't you usually warn us before you appear?
Vince: I was watching you guys and I thought this was a good time to jump in. Now, about fan fic featuring the Kid and Hunter…
Hunter: (to Shawn) Thanks a lot pal. You gave Vince ideas.
Vince: I've had fan fics featuring Hunter and the Kid for a while now; I was just waiting for the right time to send them. That time is within the next few days.
Sean: (sarcastic) I can hardly wait.
Vince: Here's a preview…
Sean: I was kidding! I can wait.
Vince: Kid, yours is a fan letter as well. The fan is very, um…
Sean: Please say beautiful and brilliant.
Vince: I was going to say devoted and demented.
Bret, Shawn, Hunter: (laughs, Sean glares)
Vince: And yours Hunter…(Hunter stops laughing) is a fairy tale.
Hunter: I'm afraid to ask, but which one?
Vince: You'll see…till then…I look forward to seeing you two try to sleep with this information on your minds.
Sean: Well, now that I killed your serpentine camera, I think I can sleep regardless of any fan fic you could send me.
Shawn: Wait, you killed Vince's camera?
Bret: Oh, that's right, you missed that.
Vince: Well, about my camera Kid… (Suddenly, the serpentine camera rolls into the den)
Sean: (screams) Aaah! But I beheaded that thing.
Hunter: You beheaded it?
Vince: And I had it beamed back to my headquarters so my technicians could repair it.
Sean: (the camera moves towards him, he grabs Bret to use as a shield in order to keep the camera away, however the camera is persistent) Help.
Bret: I think this is a good time to say good night.
Shawn: Good night everybody.
