Disclaimer: Let me check. Nope, characters still aren't mine. Shout out to hermionesmydawg for encouragement.
She couldn't hear the rythmic thumping of her feet against the concrete sidewalk over the blaring techno music in her headphones. The repetition was theraptic, as was the pain in her lungs as she pushed her speed to its upper limits. Running had become her escape. Whenever she felt like the walls of her life were starting to close in she went for a run. She'd been going for a lot of runs lately.
Today, even her escape was mocking her. The toddler escaping his mother's grasp running after seagulls and a man pushing a stroller had both tugged at her heart, but she had managed the obligatory smile. It was the pregnant women's speed walking group that had been the final straw and had caused her to make this a speed workout instead of distance.
Things had become clear during the run. The war and chaos and unhappiness invading her mind needed to end. She needed to take back control of something if she was ever going to be able accept fate and that she didn't have control over this. If she was ever going to be able to be 'her' when all this ended, however this ended, she needed to grasp, however wildly, for some semblence of control. She needed to be selfish for just a little bit.
The increased pace of her run had brought her home long before her husband expected her. She found him lounging on the couch, lazily petting the dog's ears, not mentally prepared for the whirlwind of sweat, determination and tears that came barreling through the door.
"I'm not happy." That made him sit up straight.
"What did I do?"
"You didn't do anything. I didn't do anything. The mob of pregnant women at the beach didn't do anything."
"We'll, they probably did a little something, they were pregnant after all."
"Deeks. Really?"
"Sorry. Tense situation, humor. I'm serious now, how can I fix this?"
"We need to stop trying." And the second she saw his face fall it nearly broke her resolve, but she had to do this if she was ever going to have a prayer of being a good mom in the future, wherever the kid came from. "I'm not saying for good, I'm saying for now. I'm going insane. I'm an emotional wreck and I need to be able to eat what I want, run however long I want, have sex when we want and not because a calendar says we should or shouldn't. I'm afraid if I don't grab some control now that I'll never get it back and if that happens I'll lose me, we'll lose us and then what was the point of this to begin with?" He wasn't sure he'd heard her take a breath during that entire speech.
"Ok..." He said very slowly, treading carefully, "I'm not sure i caught all that, but we'll stop if that's what you want." He couldn't hide the tinge of sadness in his voice.
"I just need to be my old self for a couple months. I'm not saying stop stop, I'm just saying I need to shift focus, change the mission."
"And just so I'm clear, what is the mission?"
"Be happy."
"With you, Kensalina, best mission ever."
