Bargaining
Before a loss, it seems like you will do anything if only your loved one would be spared, bargaining may take the form of a temporary truce. We become lost in a maze of "If only…" or "What if…" statements. We want life returned to what is was; we want our loved one restored. We want to go back in time. Guilt is often bargaining's companion. The "if onlys" cause us to find fault in ourselves and what we think we could have done differently. We may even bargain with the pain. We will do anything not to feel the pain of this loss. We remain in the past, trying to negotiate our way out of the hurt.
What had he done? He had ruined everything. There was no way that she would take him back now. Those petty arguments and how he had lashed out at her, how would it of solved anything?
If only he had been as mature as she was being. She hadn't let his childish behaviour get to her. She simply ignored him, she was moving one. She was being strong.
He had tried to fix it. He had apologised. He had presented an updated and altered version of the relationship agreement. Then when that failed he had even terminated it altogether. But it wasn't enough. He was beginning to think that nothing will ever be enough.
He tried to show her he had changed. He had turned up at her apartment on several occasions, sometimes he couldn't even bring himself to knock. He just stood there staring at the door. He felt he was being irritating and annoying by constantly going after her. He knew that it wasn't doing anything to help their situation but he just wanted to explain himself. He tried negotiating and begging and bargaining. Pleading her to take him back. But he knew he needed to do more than that.
He just wanted to see her. He just wanted to make sure she was okay. He just wanted things to be the same as they once were. He wanted to go back in time. Make things right.
He attempted to act natural around her, as if nothing had happened. They both did. As if they were both completely alright. As if the emotional wounds didn't cut that deep. On the surface they were fine and that's how their friends chose to see it. Something, however, was off. The subject was never brought up. They were the same two people, Sheldon kept telling himself. There was just less talking. Less closeness. Less intimacy. Less of a connection. His world had dulled.
But still the world brightened whenever he saw her.
It was all his fault. He didn't deserve Amy Farrah Fowler. She had been a wonderful girlfriend, so caring and patient. She understood him in a way that no one else could. And he had thrown it all away. He just wanted her to be happy. He hated to be the one that caused her pain.
Sheldon pushed away the pain. He pretended everything was okay. He bottled it all up, but eventually that bottle would overflow.
Next up, depression...
