Chapter 9-Hana POV-I do not own Fruits Basket-Thanks to my many wonderful readers and reviewers for your continued support! Sorry on the delay in publishing this and answering reviews…I have no good excuses, I'm just distracted!


He knew. Megumi had been right. Kazuma was definitely smart enough to put the puzzle pieces together and figure out what I had been doing to him. I felt the icy chill of concern creep over me as I began to entertain the thought that he might become angry with me. It really was too late to worry over it; all I could do was apologize sincerely and hope he wouldn't reject me and my love.

"I behaved unethically when I used the denpa waves to compel you to come to me and kiss me in the park, Kazuma," I said softly. "It is only fair that I now teach you how to protect yourself from their undue influence." I couldn't tell if he was angry with me or not. I was too emotionally caught up in the situation to be able to read the denpa waves with any sort of clarity; my own waves interfered and colored all my impressions with my own anxiety and fears. He just sat there quietly, staring at his hands that were clasped in his lap. Finally he spoke.

"I appreciate your honesty and your sense of integrity, Saki-chan. I am not angry about what you did," he said slowly. I felt a flood of relief pour through me and I took a deep breath, realizing that I had been holding my breath waiting for his response. "I am able to own my responsibility for my own thoughts and feelings. Had I not already been attracted to you, no amount of manipulation could have inspired me to act the way I did." He paused thoughtfully before continuing. "However, I do want you to teach me all you can about these denpa waves. Can I be influenced by just anyone?"

But even as he asked the question, he answered himself. "I suspect the answer must be no. Otherwise I would have spent my life being buffeted about by the conscious and unconscious desires of other people." I nodded in quiet agreement.

"Only someone else with the knowledge of the denpa waves would be able to actually manipulate your thoughts and feelings. You might be able to pick up on the desires of others, but without the added intention and will, you would not feel a sense of compulsion to do as they wished," I said softly.

He sat there quietly absorbing all I had told him. I knew that he was probably feeling overwhelmed by everything that he had learned today. While I suspected that he could deal more easily with the revelation of his ability to work with denpa waves than either Megumi or I did when we first realized what was happening to us, I wasn't so sure how he felt about our increasing intimacy and my role in promoting it. He was claiming to not be angry, but I was concerned that when he was given time to think about it, he would judge me harshly for manipulating him and violating his privacy. I kept my mind and thoughts guarded as we sat in an uncomfortable silence in his living room.

Minutes seemed to slow to the speed of days as we sat quietly; I ruefully remembered how patient I used to be. Now with the future uncertain, I lacked the equanimity to wait and see what would happen; and now when I needed my ability to read the denpa waves, I found my inner vision blinded by my own fear. I agonized over every possible worst case scenario that could come of this situation.

He finally looked up at me after several minutes had gone by. "Saki…this is a lot to process all at once. I have spent my life believing things to be a certain way, having every expectation that I would continue to live a solitary life of quiet reflection and discipline." He paused, searching for the right words to express what he was feeling.

"Suddenly, everything I thought I knew about myself is in question. The script for my future that seemed so simple and well planned out is suddenly being rewritten without my permission. I have always seen myself as a logical and disciplined man who behaves honorably. Suddenly I find myself believing in denpa waves and giving into the desire to kiss a girl the same age as my son. I don't even recognize myself any more." He looked at me, his eyes betraying his internal conflict.

"I guess I just need some time to let all of this percolate in my subconscious mind. I feel like my life is out of control, like I am out of control." His admission betrayed his sense of emotional vulnerability in this situation. How strange it must have seemed to this man whose entire life has been an exercise in discipline and control.

I nodded silently in acquiescence and I stood up. Every fiber of my being wanted to throw myself into his arms and beg for reassurance; reassurance that he loved me, that he wanted me, that he wouldn't turn away from this tenuous and special love that was newly blossoming between us. But I didn't do any of that; I just stood there and built psychic walls around my heart so he wouldn't hear me crying inside. I didn't like feeling this weak and vulnerable; I didn't know who I was within the context of my own feelings anymore either.

He jumped up from the couch and he took my hand. "I'm not angry, and I'm not trying to push you away. I just need to figure out what's going on with me and where I want to end up." He looked down, and I heard what he wasn't saying. He needed time to figure out if he loved me, or if his attraction to me was purely physical. I wanted to tell him that his concern about using me should be proof of the honorable nature of his intentions, but I wasn't going to let him see me in this pathetic, vulnerable state. I kissed him lightly on the cheek and I went home.


AN: Poor Hana hasn't known uncertainty for a long time and I think she is experiencing an identity crisis. She so identifies with her self concept of being controlled and calm that she can't handle her own uncertainty and emotional vulnerability. She finds herself in a situation where she has no control, neither over her own feelings nor over her circumstances (as they relate to her desired relationship with Kazuma); it has to be making her mad with anxiety. I imagine her berating herself for being so emotional and "weak", i.e. emotionally undisciplined. She sees reflected in herself the vulnerability and weakness she perceives in the other teenage girls and she doesn't like it. I suspect Hana feels some false superiority over the girls like Motoko that pick on her, and it is really bugging her to see herself as being like them in any way! As always, review and let me know what you think! Magpie