Depression
After bargaining, our attention moves squarely into the present. Empty feelings present themselves, and grief enters our lives on a deeper level, deeper than we ever imagined. This depressive stage feels as though it will last forever. We withdraw from life, left in a fog of intense sadness, wondering, perhaps, if there is any point in going on alone. Why go on at all? Depression after a loss is too often seen as unnatural: a state to be fixed, something to snap out of. The loss of a loved one is a very depressing situation, and depression is a normal and appropriate response. To not experience depression after a loved one dies would be unusual. If grief is a process of healing, then depression is one of the many necessary steps along the way.
Sheldon had not come out of his room in days. He was wallowing is despair and his friends had been worried. They told him to snap out of it. They told him to go back to work, they told him to shower, to eat, to stop moping, and to stop his despondent attitude. They didn't understand. It didn't help that Leonard had moved out. Now he was really alone. How could he leave him like this in such a fragile state?
Sheldon knew it was certain that he would ever find love again. He didn't want to find love if it wasn't Amy's. She, however, she could find anyone she wanted. Someone who would treat her better than he treated her. She could move on and he was scared. Before now he had no interest in romantic relationships. After this he still had no interest. Unless it was with Amy. He never wanted to leave the comfort of his bedroom again.
He had no energy.
What was the point? Life would be too difficult. They shared friends, he would be seeing Amy nearly on a daily basis, looking at her and knowing he would never hold her, kiss her. He didn't think they would never have the same relationship ever again. It was tainted.
As a result he avoided her. He locked himself away. Hiding from the pain. No one could see how hurt he was. The hurt couldn't see him. His friends had tried to help at first but this had gone on long enough. They had never seen him this way. So broken. So they had left him. And that's the way he preferred it. Alone with his thoughts.
And he did think. He thought about everything he'd done wrong. How he could have changed things. What mistakes he'd made.
He also thought about everything he'd done right. He pictured Amy's smiling face, her sparkling eyes, and her cheerful laughter. It was those times they'd shared where he thanked his eidetic memory. Every image was clear as day and he knew that he'd never forget. He didn't want to forget her.
There was hope though. In the small box that lay in his top desk draw. A flickering hope that said he could fix this. With time.
Final chapter, acceptance. Happy or sad ending...?
