Alright! Thanks for waiting, I love you all. 3 to the beta reader, love ya babe.
October 2013
Seeing Dean had been terrible. It had been heartbreaking. It had been terribly heartbreaking. For a soon-to-be English Professor, Castiel's words were failing him horribly. Then again his words always seemed to betray him when it came to Dean Winchester.
Dean Winchester: The boy who broke his heart. True Castiel was the one to put an end to the relationship but Dean had been the one to instigate that end. Long distance was hard, being 8 hours away from each other was hard and in the end that did their relationship in; that and Dean's actions. Castiel still doesn't know why Dean what he did, after Dean told him Castiel immediately ended things hoping a clean cut would help him move on more quickly. When in actuality it had the opposite effect.
Seeing Dean had felt like coming home. All the pain and hurt Cas had pushed aside over the past six years evaporated. Castiel had gone over it in his head countless times, rehearsed it till it was second nature. However the scenario that played out had never been in his realm of possibilities. Maybe it was the small part of him that was still a hopeless naïve romantic; who believed in first loves lasting forever. Cas will be the first to admit he should have allowed himself more time to mourn the relationship, he should have wallowed and shed more tears then he did. Maybe if he had, seeing Dean six years after the fact wouldn't be as devastating as it had been.
God he was beautiful. Castiel had almost forgotten how it felt to have the air ripped out of his lungs just from the sight of Dean Winchester. His voice was deeper, His features sharper and somehow more freckles had been peppered across Dean's sun kissed face; likely from the California sun. His hair appeared to be darker, less blond and browner. Castiel remembers spending hours carding his fingers through that hair when they were teenagers. His lips, god how does one describe Dean Winchester's lips?
Castiel stops dead in his tracks, eyes focused far away. Fuck. He was never going to get over Dean, not unless he actively strived to. Balthazar was right. Castiel Novak was broken; yes Dean Winchester had ruined Castiel. Just like that the walls built over six years came tumbling down. Leaving Cas shaken to his foundation.
Knock, knock…Knock knock
The knocking continues for a few more moments until Balthazar relents and gets up from his chair to open the door. It's 4 o'clock in the afternoon on Tuesday and he hasn't spoken to Cas since their spat yesterday morning. So when he opens the door and sees Cas standing there he is slightly taken aback. Cas who stands there looking more disheveled than usual and out of breath.
Balthazar looks Cas up and down 'You look god awful, Cassie.' He crosses his arms over his chest 'what happen-'
'I'm broken.' Castiel cuts his words off with a breathless but loud voice. 'I told you I wasn't, I didn't realize.' He moves towards Balthazar and into the apartment, his hands coming up to unravel Balthazar's arms from around his torso, replacing them with his own.
'Cassie-' Balthazar attempts to push Castiel off of him but is met with clinging octopus arms.
'Dean.' He breaths 'His name was Dean…and he was the love of my life. H-he fucked it up and then I fucked it up and because of that we lost what we had, we lost each other. We were meant to be together but…' He trails off, running his fingers through Balthazar's blond hair. ' I'm not 19 anymore; I need more then childish promises. I'm ready for more, that next step. I can't live in the past anymore.' Tears fall from his eyes as he fights against the emotions overtaking him.
Balthazar quite honestly has no idea what to do with a crying Cas. The most emotion he sees out of Castiel is when they have sex or he is around Charlie. But Cas is pouring his heart out to Balthazar; he's clinging to him as if his life depends on it. He brings his arms around Castiel's back and holds him gently as Cas continues mumbling into his shirt. 'What am I supposed to do with this Cas? What do you want from me?'
Balthazar fully expects Castiel to sober up and push away from him and pretend this never happened. The reality that meets him is quite the opposite when Castiel instead continues clinging to him and mumbles more words into his shirt.
Balthazar chuckles 'Castiel.' He gently pulls and pushes until Cas is a bit away from him. His hand runs down Castiel's face, wiping away tears and raising Cas' chin so his eyes meet Balthazar's own. He looks so broken, so sad and so un-Castiel like. It breaks his heart. He leans forward and captures Castiel's lips with his own in a chaste kiss. 'I can't hear you when you mumble, love.'
'Help me.' The words come out wrecked and utterly depressing. 'I don't know how to live a life apart from my past.' He swallows 'Fix me.' He trails is arms up and wraps them around Balthazar's neck 'You love me?'
Bloody hell. 'That's a cheap shot Castiel. I've told you how I feel, don't make me humiliate myself again.' He goes to push Castiel away as a sharp pain attacks his heart.
Cas grips him tight 'Balthazar. My feelings for you are the closest to love I have felt for a person since him.' Seeing Dean today he realized that Dean, right now, would be perfect. But Dean has Adam. Castiel could have Balthazar: who is charming and genteel but who isn't quite Dean. He licks his lips. 'If you'll have me, such as I am. I want nothing more than to try with you.'
Balthazar's hands grab his face, rushed but gentle. His thumbs rubbed across his cheekbones as Castiel raises his eyes to meet his. 'Well…I'd rather have you, broken then not at all.'
And just like that, the air is ripped from Castiel's lungs in a way he hasn't felt for years.
October 2013
Adam doesn't say anything. He wants to wait until they are back in California; maybe he's just imagined things. Adam wasn't an idiot. Whatever had happened between Dean and Castiel had obviously never been dealt with. He also wasn't blind. He saw the way Dean looked at Cas; it was obvious there were still feelings there, certainly from Dean and probably from Cas too. He tries to enjoy the remainder of their trip but as he sits at the table in their hotel room with a lease agreement in his hand, he can't seem to find it in him to sign on the dotted line.
He sets the paper down and turns his head to look at Dean, who is sitting on the couch watching some Doctor TV drama and drinking a beer. God he loves Dean. Up until a few days ago he believed Dean loved him too. Was he just over thinking this? He was probably just over thinking it…but why hadn't Dean mentioned he and Cas dated in High school? All the times Dean talks about Kansas he always brings Cas into the story but not once did he tell Adam the nature of their relationship.
It hurt. If Castiel had been just a friend like Adam had originally thought, he wouldn't have minded hearing about all Dean and Cas' adventures back in Kansas. Now though the knowledge that Cas and Dean were most likely dating throughout all those stories taints the times Dean shared them with Adam. It felt like a lie.
'Why did you never tell me you and Cas dated?'
The beer freezes midway to Dean's mouth. 'What?' Too quick a response.
'I'm sorry; I'm not trying to start anything. I'm honestly just curious.' He gets up from his seat and makes his way towards Dean, sitting across from him on the couch. 'I mean you talk about him whenever we talk about Kansas. I'm just curious as to why you never brought up the detail of you two dating.'
'Cas and I broke up, like six years ago. Why does it matter that we dated in High School?'
'Because Dean, you didn't tell me.' He spits a little too venomously back at his boyfriend.
'I don't know why we are even talking about this.' Dean feels tired. 'It was a million years ago! I haven't seen or talked to the guy since. Can we drop it?' He takes a sip of his beer and returns his attention to the television.
Dean and Adam hardly fight and when they do it gets bad. Adam needs all the information laid out in front of him right at that very moment, while Dean likes to brood about it for a while before discussing. Their styles just clash. This time is no different. Adam accuses Dean of lying to him; Dean accuses Adam of not trusting him. Adam yells at him and Dean just takes it, everything Adam says to him or accuses him of Dean just locks his jaw and takes it. He remains silent and Adam berates him and digs into him. He won't tell Adam, he can't. Hasn't said it out loud in years, up until a few days ago he was almost to the point of believing it had all been a nightmare. Adam will hate him. Adam will leave him.
Then Adam is threatening to leave and Dean finally breaks his eye contact with the beer bottle in his hands. His green eyes find Adam's hazel. His heart clamps and it hurts; but not in the earth shattering pain he remembers feeling with Cas, and that thought startles him. He can't lose Adam. Seeing Cas had in no way diminished his feelings for Adam and he needed Adam to know that.
Adam is staring at Dean from across the room, waiting for some declaration; anything to stop him from walking out the door right at that moment.
'I loved him.' That was not the declaration Dean had practiced in his head, he pushes on 'Cas and I met freshman year at Lawrence High. It wasn't hard for us, I have no idea why. Two gay teenage boys in a Midwest town…you'd expect all hell to break loose, but it didn't. It just…was. I had mostly gotten by on my flirtatiousness and my athleticism; but I didn't know how alone I was until I met Castiel Novak.' He pauses attempting to steer the conversation a different way 'All the stories I told you, yes Cas and I were dating those times but I didn't mean them as stories of me and my high school boyfriend. They were stories of my best friend and me. I'm sorry I didn't tell you…I really try to not talk about our relationship.' He sniffs as his emotions begin to over take him. 'I fucked it up.' He presses his lips together 'we broke up our freshman year of College. That's where our story ended.'
'What happened?'
Dean looks up at Adam, tears down his face. 'You'll hate me…just like he did. I'm not perfect. I was 19!' He almost yells the last part. 'We were meant to be so much more, we were meant to be together. Forever.' He scratches his head 'Cas was my person, he was everything and I was his. I ruined it. I don't believe in soul mates, but if two people were meant to be together it was Cas and I.'
Adam feels the air sucked out of him. Dean gets up from the couch, sets his beer on the table and walks over to Adam.
'I never thought I would love anyone again. I honestly didn't think I was capable. I was broken for so long, and then you came into my life and pieced me back together.' He reaches for Adam's hand on the door handle and takes it in his own. 'I'm not 19 anymore; I've lived a life without love for so long. The thought of losing you…Adam, I wouldn't make it.' Adam grips Dean's hand. 'I need someone for forever. You know what I want…' Adam nods knowingly 'and I want that, all of that with you.'
He kisses Adam like his life depends on it. In his mind it does. Adam remains still, as if in shock, until he reciprocates and embraces Dean in his arms. They stay like that for a few moments until Dean pulls away, slightly.
'Please don't ask me about him again.' He stares into Adam's eyes.
It's silent. Adam knows this isn't right, something feels off and he should say something to Dean. But all the declarations, all the hopes and fears that Dean just shared with him make him feel raw and burn. So he nods and leans back into another kiss with Dean hoping to make them both forget about Castiel.
