By the time night had rolled around, the BAU team had given the profile and had a good list of suspects. The unsub was a white male in his early twenties, acting out a revenge fantasy that involved a woman in his life that had hurt him in some way. He lived within a twenty mile radius of the abduction and dump sites, most likely lived alone, and this would all end with him burying the woman he had in mind alive.
The suspects would be interviewed tomorrow.
For now, Hotchner had ordered his team to get some sleep. It was nearing eleven o'clock and they would all have to be up before five. Reid was having trouble keeping himself still. All he needed was a fix. The pain was slowly eating at him again, causing him to itch at himself. Why itch, he didn't know for sure.
And he kept smelling burning fish liver. The same smell of that shack.
The police chief had provided each of them with separate rooms, something Spencer was immensely grateful for. He could keep his dirty secret better that way. The ride up the elevator with his team was tense. Reid kept feeling like everyone was staring at him, even though none of them were. The elevator took them up to the third floor and then released them.
"Goodnight everyone, get some sleep and we'll regroup in the morning," Hotch said as they began parting ways.
Not wanting to get cornered by one of his well meaning teammates, Spencer darted to his room and quickly let himself inside. Making sure the door was closed, Reid dumped the contents of his go bag onto the bed. For a moment, Spencer felt the cold clutches of panic seize him. He couldn't find the needles and the vial.
But they were only hiding underneath his change of clothes. Reid snatched them up and quickly went into the bathroom, just like at home. The smell of burning fish liver was so strong now, it burned in Spencer's mouth. It couldn't be here though. Why was he smelling that?
"It's because you died, Spencer. You've never left that shack. I killed you, don't you remember?" Tobias taunted.
Tobias….
The door to the bathroom was open and Reid's legs buckled underneath him, sending him down to the floor. Tobias Hankel stood in the doorway of the bathroom. That couldn't be right. No, that wasn't right. He couldn't be there. He wasn't there.
"I killed you, Spencer," Tobias repeated, "You think I really brought you back to life? Are you sure about that? Maybe you died, and this you is just… not you. Maybe you're still with him back in that shack, your last moments being a projection of what you want to happen but reality keeps slipping in. Or you are an imposter, someone else who's pretending to be you. I mean, the real Spencer Reid wouldn't have let himself get caught by an unsub like me, and he certainly wouldn't do drugs. And what are you doing? Drugs. Maybe I'll go let your teammates know."
He wasn't real. Tobias Hankel was dead. Spencer had killed him. He was dead. With a shaking hand, Reid filled the syringe with dilaudid and slipped the needle into the crook of his arm. Plunging down the plunger, Reid shut his eyes tightly as he waited for the pain to go away.
It did.
Opening his eyes, Spencer saw that Tobias was gone. Of course he was gone, he hadn't even been there in the first place. Nonetheless, the interaction had scared Spencer. Was he seeing things? It had to have been a symptom of withdrawal. Yes, that's what it was. A symptom of withdrawal. Spencer stood up and tidied up his room.
He couldn't have a mess in here. Once that was finished, Reid crawled into bed, neglecting to even put on his pajamas. The fright he'd given himself and the stress of the day had made him very tired. So he turned off the lights and settled down under the covers. The room was silent, the traffic outside barely audible. It felt good, like a warm embrace. He drifted into unconsciousness feeling good.
Yet his dreams were plagued with Tobias and the shack. He saw Tobias beating him, saw the chair topple over and his body begin to convulse as he choked. Reid screamed for someone to help him, screamed for anyone, but no one answered. Looking on in horror, Spencer saw his body still. His eyes were beginning to glaze over. He had died.
"No," Reid whispered and repeated it to himself.
He couldn't look away from his own dead, glassy eyes.
"Reid!"
Spencer's eyes flew open and he felt hands on his shoulders. It was bright in the room. It was Tobias, his mind screamed at him then, screamed at him that he was in danger.
"Get away from me! Help!" Reid shrieked, flinging his hands at his attacker to defend himself.
"Spencer, stop, it's me, Derek! It's Morgan, Reid!" Morgan exclaimed, backing away quickly and bringing his hands into the air.
Reid brought his knees up to his chest and stared at Morgan. It was him. It was Derek and not Tobias. He had been having a nightmare, he realized then.
"How'd you get in here?" Spencer demanded, not caring if his anger towards Morgan could be heard.
Reid noticed a third person in the room. It was JJ. She had a pained, worried expression on her face.
"I got the manager to let us in," JJ spoke up, stepping more into the light of the lamp, "I told him we just needed to check on you."
"What for? I'm fine," Reid began to worry that he had been screaming again in his sleep.
No, he told himself, if he had been screaming the whole team would have been in here.
"My room's right next to yours," Morgan explained, "And I heard you crying. I thought, well I just needed to make sure you were okay and so I got JJ to help me get in here. You were crying in your sleep and you kept thrashing around."
"Were you having a nightmare?" JJ asked.
Spencer didn't want this. He wasn't a child but the memory of his dream was too fresh for him. He lowered his head onto his knees, trying to hide the fact that he was crying. The imagine of his own dead eyes staring at him wouldn't go away.
He felt a pressure on the edge of his bed. Glancing up, he saw that JJ had pulled the wooden chair that had been in the corner next to a desk beside the bed and Morgan had sat down on the edge. They weren't planning on leaving.
"It was just a dream," Reid began but he couldn't continue.
JJ and Morgan exchanged quick glances.
"Spence, what was the nightmare about?" JJ asked.
She smiled kindly at him. Spencer had always loved JJ's smile. He licked his lips, eyes looking downwards at his feet.
"I, um, I was watching Tobias kill me, in the shack," Reid finally admitted, arms squeezing his legs closer to his chest.
Even though Morgan was not touching Reid, Spencer swore he felt the other man tense up.
"I tried to get help, but no one came, and then I looked at myself and my eyes, they were glassy and lifeless," he continued, unable to hold back the last piece of information.
"That's horrible, I'm so sorry," said JJ.
Reid realized that he would need to cover this. If JJ and Morgan were too concerned about him, they could bring this incident up with Hotch who had the power to send him home, take him off the case. And the incident with Morgan at the morgue earlier wouldn't help him.
"It's okay," Reid stated, even though it wasn't okay at all, "It's just my first case back since then, and seeing the dead bodies of those women got to me is all. I really am fine, it's just been a long day and I guess I had a lot on my mind."
"Are you sure?" JJ looked sympathetic. Reid didn't like all this attention.
"Yes, I'm sure. Scientists still don't know why we dream. The best theory that's out there is that the brain utilizes R.E.M sleep to process and deal with unconscious thoughts and to turn short term memories into long term ones," Spencer replied.
"Alright then," JJ stood up, "Well, we have another hour to sleep, so I'm going to go back to bed."
She bid Reid a goodbye, then Morgan, before slipping out of the room. Spencer waited for Morgan to leave, but three minutes passed and the man hadn't removed himself from Spencer's bed.
"Are you going to go back to bed?" Reid spoke up.
"Nah, once I'm up, I'm up, and I know you're the same type of guy, so why don't we go grab some coffee at the diner down the street," Morgan suggested, finally getting up off the bed, "That's where we're meeting anyways in an hour."
He needed to say no, but Morgan was right. He wouldn't be going back to sleep. If Spencer declined the offer, Morgan might get suspicious and Reid's half-lie would be rendered useless.
"I need a few minutes to get dressed," Reid informed the older profiler.
"Okay, I gotta go grab something from my room, anyways," Morgan said, "I'll meet you by the elevators and we'll head down."
Reid nodded and watched as Morgan left the room. Only when he heard the click of the hotel room door did Spencer move. He quickly shed his clothes from yesterday, pulling on a clean pair of slacks and a shirt. Then he went into the bathroom, did his morning routine, and paused. He needed to utilize his one vial and right now Spencer had no need for a fix.
It would have to come later. With this decided, Reid slipped his vial and a clean needle into his satchel. He was ready to go. Stepping out of his hotel room, Spencer made his way to where the elevators were. Morgan was standing near one, waiting for one of the metal boxes to appear.
They waited for the elevator to arrive in a comfortable silence. Well, Spencer hoped it was a comfortable silence. Soon enough, the silver doors swung open and the two FBI profilers stepped onto the elevator.
"So what do you think about this case?" Morgan wondered as he pressed the lobby button and the doors slid shut.
"The few suspects we have will probably not amount to anything," Reid responded, "Maybe, but I don't believe any of them will turn out to be the unsub. I think when we talk to Grace Whitman's roommate, we will have a better break."
"You don't think that the third victim was a victim of opportunity?" Morgan raised an eyebrow.
"He's not devolving, he's becoming more confident," Reid pointed out, "So I think that while the unsub had Carol, he was most likely stalking Grace."
"If that's the case, maybe the roommate might have noticed something," Morgan nodded his head.
The doors opened, depositing the two profilers into the lobby of the hotel. They exited the building and headed towards the diner.
"Reid, hey, wait," Morgan said suddenly, stopping them halfway to the diner.
Spencer's stomach dropped.
"Look, man, I hope you didn't mind me coming into your room earlier," Morgan apologized in a way.
"It's fine," Reid brushed it off. He didn't want to talk about it anymore.
"I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You went through something pretty bad," Morgan continued, "And you can't lie to me and say you're sharing your feelings, because you neglected to tell any of us about the grave thing."
"What did you think I was shovelling for, Morgan? What did the team think Tobias was making me do?" Reid said quietly.
There was a pause in the conversation. A truck barreled down the road.
"I guess it should have been obvious, maybe it was obvious to Hotch and Gideon, why they didn't ask or anything, but I… I was just relieved to know you were safe. That we'd found you," Morgan admitted, scuffing his foot against the pavement of the sidewalk, "I was so scared and angry when you went missing. I… thought you had died and I would never see you again."
Seeing Morgan be so open about how he felt made something hurt inside him. Spencer was grateful that Tobias's voice seemed to be out of order at the moment, so to speak.
"I was scared, too," Reid informed the older profiler, "I was scared that Hotch hadn't recognized my hint, scared that I was going to die a second time, all alone."
"I'm sorry that happened to you," Morgan gently pulled Reid into a hug.
At first, Spencer was just as stiff as a board, but he eventually relaxed, even returned the hug. They stood there for a moment before pulling apart. Reid swiped at his eyes, hoping that Morgan wouldn't notice the slight tears. That had been the first time Reid had honestly opened up about what was happening inside of him.
"Good morning, Spencer, Derek," Gideon greeted suddenly.
Reid and Morgan both turned, startled, to see the senior profiler stopped behind them.
"Morning, Gideon," Morgan replied. Spencer was silent.
Had Gideon seen him hug Morgan? Had he seen him wipe away tears?
"Heading to the diner early?" Gideon questioned.
"Neither of us could sleep, so we decided we could talk a bit about the case over a cup of coffee," Morgan answered.
"I hear they have good pie," Gideon commented, resuming his walk to the diner.
Morgan gave Reid a look that Reid wasn't paying enough attention to, so he wasn't entirely sure what the look was supposed to convey. They fell in step with Jason. When they arrived at the diner, it was nearly empty. Save a few businessmen catching a bite to eat before their nine to five work hours and the staff, the diner was devoid of life.
The three profiles slid into an empty booth. A waitress came over. Her name tag read Hannah.
"What can I get you all to drink?" she asked, pulling out a pad of paper and a pen.
"We'll take coffees," Gideon replied.
This was satisfactory to Morgan and Reid, although it bothered Spencer that the senior profiler had ordered for him. Hannah nodded and went to go fetch them their coffees. Reid looked at the diner's menu, which was displayed on boards above the serving window that looked into the kitchen.
Spencer read each item on the board, along with the corresponding price. Usually, he wasn't so picky about breakfast. Oatmeal or pancakes, with coffee and juice. That was what he usually ordered, since those items were almost always on any breakfast menu. If was feeling up to it and if it was on the menu, he'd even get a cinnamon roll or french toast. It just depended.
But he wasn't sure know. It felt wrong eating when there was a killer on the loose. What if, while Spencer ate, another woman was buried alive? He would be enjoying his meal as a woman cried out for help before dying alone.
"Alrighty, here we our," Hannah smiled, placing a cup of coffee in front of each BAU member, "Your coffees. Can I get you guys something to eat then?"
Once more, she pulled out a pad of paper and a pencil.
"I'll take a slice of whatever's your best pie," Gideon replied.
Hannah nodded, jotting that down onto her pad of paper.
"Um, I'll take pancakes, with a side of bacon," Morgan said next.
Again, Hannah nodded, jotting that down onto her pad of paper. Now it was Reid's turn to order.
"Eggs and toast," he said simply.
After nodding her head and jotting his order down onto her paper, Hannah disappeared into the kitchen.
Morgan and Gideon began to talk about the case. Spencer drifted in and out of listening, trying his best to focus but intrusive thoughts kept creeping up on him. Why had he seen Tobias in his hotel room last night? Was that his imagination or…
No, of course it had been just his imagination. Tobias Hankel was a dead corpse, either buried in the ground or burnt to ashes. Ghost didn't exist, there was no proof of them, so Spencer wasn't being haunted. It had just been his imagination.
"Reid?" Morgan's voice brought him out of his thoughts.
"Yeah?" Spencer frowned, glancing over to Morgan.
The profiler jerked his head towards the senior of the trio. Spencer turned his gaze to Gideon.
"Have you gotten anywhere with the geographical profile yet?" Gideon repeated.
Reid didn't particularly like the odd once-over Gideon gave him as he spoke.
"I didn't get a chance to start that yesterday," he informed Jason, "Hotch had me with Prentiss, we inspected the bodies at the morgue."
"I've been keeping everyone busy," Aaron Hotchner suddenly said.
The sudden appearance of the BAU team leader startled Spencer, but he tried not to let that ruffle his exterior. Hotchner took the free space next to Gideon. Just as he sat down, Hannah came back with their orders.
"Can I get you some coffee?" she asked Aaron.
"Yes, thank you," Hotch nodded with a smile.
Hannah smiled back and then left the table.
"You'll have time to work on the geographical profile today, Reid. The rest of the team will be busy with interviews. This is a pressing case," Hotchner informed the three other agents.
"At least it's suspects today," Morgan sighed.
Interviews with unsubs were commonly easier than those with family and friends. Reid nibbled at the toast, neglecting to put any jam on it. He didn't particularly enjoy the jam that was often provided in those little packages.
The conversation drifted again. Soon, Prentiss and JJ joined them. Reid was quiet throughout the coffee and food. He was readying himself for the work day ahead. If he pushed himself enough today, perhaps he'd be so exhausted at the end of the day he'd just fall asleep and wake up the next morning. No dreams, no nightmares. Breakfast soon came to a close and it was time to head to the station. Spencer set himself up with a map of the town and began the geographical profile.
Interviews commenced shortly after this. By the time three were finished, they still hadn't come up with anything. Then Garcia called. She had informed them of a police report two towns over about a mother who tried to bury her child alive because she believed he was dead. It had been a mental break down, fueled by manic depression.
"The child could be our unsub," Prentiss commented.
"Wouldn't imagine," Reid grumbled.
He had thought he'd made his sarcasm quiet enough that no one would hear but Prentiss casted Spencer a look. She had heard him, he knew by that look that she had heard him. He turned his head back to the map.
Penelope continued to inform the team that the child, a boy, had been taken out of the mother's care and placed into the foster care system. There wasn't a record of who this boy was. Well, there was a record, it was just sealed and it would take Garcia a little more time to unseal it.
Despite the fact that he knew he shouldn't excuse himself during this crucial moment, the moment before the team either definitively found the unsub or were disappointed by an obvious suspect. Yet, he just couldn't keep it together, at least on the inside. Externally, Reid only seemed a little nervous. His leg would bounce up and down once in a while. Internally, Spencer kept thinking about the dilaudid in his satchel. It was so close, yet so far away.
He knew he should not excuse himself, but he did. He simply stood up from his chair and slipped away to the nearest bathroom just as Penelope announced that she had unsealed the file. Part of him criticized this decision as he let himself into one of the stalls, locking it behind him. The rational part of his mind was not at all happy with Reid's continued drug use and the ignorance of his emotional pain.
Yet Spencer was so far down the road of irrationality that listening to his rational thoughts seemed, at least to him, a pointless exercise.
As Spencer hid in the bathroom, hiding his secrets from his team, they were busy solving a case. Garcia had unsealed the possible suspect's file and Hotchner had delegated the task of investigating this suspect to Gideon, Morgan, and Prentiss. The case had moved into the home stretch.
Author's Note:
I'm currently back in school, so updates are going to be slower than they have been. But don't worry, I'm still working on this fic, the speed will just be slower. I hope these chapters have been enjoyable & that everyone out there reading this is liking it! Thank you all for reading this! It means a lot to me. Have a wonderful day & look forward to an update in the near future.
