author's note: hey, thanks so much for reading, and for the feedback from especially the last chapter, since I know not too much happened in that one.

This chapter does not include much conversation. A lot of Max's thoughts. We already know how Alec feels to some extent, but where does she stand..


Chapter 4

Max slipped off the headset and turned sadly to the phone, wishing she could escape her worries and her mood. She stared hard at the communication device, as if the harder she stared, the more likely it was to ring. What, was I expecting as soon as the broadcast was done he would call?, she thought, scolding herself for her hopeful wishes.

She finally gave up, outstretching her arms and considering just trying to sleep for the night. She realized, thinking of it, she couldn't recall the last time she'd slept.

Just as she was about to lay down with a pillow, there was a knock at the door. Her heart skipped a beat. Whoever it was, no doubt they had come because of her broadcast.

As she opened the door, the breath that she hadn't realized she'd been holding was released, along with her excitement. She stared into Asha's anxious blue eyes for a moment before holding open the door.

"Hey," she finally greeted, after Asha was already walking into the apartment.

Asha smiled, looking around, as if someone else was there. "Hey…," she returned distractedly, while still eyeballing the apartment. She was almost ignoring Max entirely, going off into her own search of the place.

"So, what's up?" Max asked, putting on a fake smile. She realized that she hadn't seen Asha in over 2 weeks now. The last time she'd seen the girl was the night of Logan's disappearance, at Alec's.

Thoughts of Alec flashed through Max's mind. Not just her typical thoughts, but what she'd been feeling that night. She had basically ignored the whole experience the following day. She told herself that she'd been reacting to an extreme situation. One man she cared deeply for, ripped from her life without a trace, had led her to be confused about the other man left standing still in it.

Apparently, Alec agreed with her assessment that their reactions were both due to the situation, and nothing more, since he hadn't bothered to bring it up since.

But thinking of where they had been coming from, Alec really hadn't been in the same position, she finally realized, thinking of how she'd gone to him immediately at the discovery.

There were two possible reasons for his actions that evening, in Max's mind.

One, he saw a chance to make out with someone, and seeing as his testosterone always seemed to be in overdrive, considering his multiple conquests, she wouldn't hold it against him if that was the reason. He was only reacting like any other guy would have given the same situation.

Two, he was reacting to comfort her and be as good a friend to her as he possibly could be. She knew that at the time, though she didn't want to admit it now, she had wanted his reaction, and he'd responded accordingly.

Max's breathing became just a bit heavier as a 3rd explanation popped into her racing mind. For some reason, this explanation came with a bit of fear, even for someone genetically enhanced.

Three, Max let herself finish the thought, he wanted it himself. Not because he wanted some random girl, but because he wanted Max

Her thoughts frightened her. She'd had men like her before, of course. Being genetically engineered to be more attractive than most females, she was used to dealing with the desires of men.

But something was different about Alec.

She thought of her actions from that night. For a moment, she hated Alec for being Alec. He was just as frightened as she was. Why else would he allow her, and himself, to run from it all?

He knows me, Max realized swallowing hard with the admission Because he was just like her

Does this mean I hate myself? she asked in her mind. The question only introduced another one. Does that mean I hate Alec? She knew it wasn't true. Why else would she not want him to leave? She knew that she cared for him, more than she felt ready to admit even to herself.

They'd certainly grown closer in the recent weeks. They'd worked together before, but something was always holding them back. Max realized it was her. She'd always kept him from being close to her, rejecting any considerations toward him other than a cocky smart-ass. Something about the man having the face of one of her most painful moments seemed to chase away any real understanding of Alec as his own individual.

His face had haunted her for so long. The sight of a brother she killed, the responsibility and guilt for a decision no one should be forced to make, was right in front of her. She couldn't run from it.

Max had realized after he was arrested that this was a fault of hers. She didn't like to admit her flaws or mistakes. When she helped him escape from Ben's murders, she knew that she'd been running from the pain.

She wasn't ashamed. What else was she to do? It wasn't like Manticore trained them on how to deal with loss. It was viewed as a weakness to overcome, nothing more and nothing less.

And then there was Rachel. An instance where Alec showed a side of himself that she wasn't ready to accept. Even if it wasn't love that he felt, he thought it was, and so the pain had hit him like he'd lost the love of his life. It was difficult to see someone usually so in control and sarcastic become so real and empty over the loss of someone.

When she'd seen his pain, his heart's connection to the memory of a love that once was in Rachel, she couldn't help but allow her sight to match what her actions had been saying for a while now. She knew that ever since she'd seen a more private side to him, seeing his real pain in losing someone he really loved had at least served to put a pause on her usual thinking, that smart-Alec was all there was to him and all there ever would be.

And afterwards, he'd gone back to his typical smart-aleck remarks and attitude. "I'm always all right!" She knew it was a lie. But she was running just like him. If he wanted to ignore his problems, she wouldn't object. Because it was easier for her to run as well that way. At least, that was how she looked at the situation now.

Comparing herself so closely to a person that had once upon a time disgusted her was hard to accept. But it was true. Something about losing Logan had changed Alec, she'd certainly taken notice. Well. maybe it wasn't that it changed him, but it seemed the catalyst to bring a certain side of Alec's to the surface.

And it had changed her as well. Not so much made her different, but forced her to accept her vulnerability and limitations.

She didn't want to run anymore. She knew she still wasn't ready to accept everything that she knew deep down was true. But at least she now was ready to consider it.

Max heard Asha rustling in another room, and her attention again was upon the last night she'd seen her. At Alec's.

Max hadn't really spoken with him much after finding out about Rachel, until that night. Max had told herself that it was because she didn't want to deal with him being a jerk, and besides, she could enjoy the peace and quiet in his absence.

But Max knew that she had been not wanting to face him for a different reason.

Looking at it now, she couldn't get over how similar they were.

Max liked to be in control of her relationships. I do that thing where I push everyone away so no one gets hurt. She knew now that this wasn't true, though. It was so she wouldn't get hurt. Caring about someone had only brought her pain in the past. It was something she'd conditioned herself to avoid and run from.

And Alec was the same. He was used to being in control of every relationship he'd ever been in. They weren't even relationships to him, they were missions. It was his job. He was trained to manipulate, deceive, and take advantage of any attachment anyone found in him. And he'd done it well.

She finally watched the moment in her mind again, when she had first discovered Logan's disappearance and gone to Alec. She knew her actions weren't because of an extreme situation. They were because of a lack of all walls and barriers. Logan's disappearance was only the trigger. Having her world come crashing down with the absense of a man she supposedly loved took down whatever plans and control she had been holding firmly in place.

And it seemed that at her openness, Alec reacted just the same.

But what does that mean?, Max questioned herself. She felt more confused than ever. Her heart was missing Logan, wasn't it? She'd cried at his departure, hadn't she?

But I went to Alec, she admitted in her mind.

Before she could further consider what her feelings and conclusions meant, she was interrupted by Asha's voice. "Hey, sorry, Max. I wasn't paying attention," Asha admitted. Max realized that both of them had been lost in deep thoughts for a moment.

Max was glad Asha had brought her back to reality, to deal with the real situation at hand- Logan. Max wondered again why she was thinking of Alec so much when it was Logan who needed her at the moment. She hadn't found any peace of mind in all her contemplating, only more questions and doubts about where she stood with regard to the people in her life. "No, I was out there for a minute," Max admitted back. "I'm pretty tired. Kind of exhausting, all this wondering," she added after a pause.

Asha nodded with a gentle smile, "I know the feeling. Anyway, I only came by to pick up something I left here. When that broadcast came on- did you see it, Eyes Only?- Anyway, I realized that I'd left some of my own photos here for Logan to give to Eyes Only."

Max nodded with a weak smile. If this was the only response to the broadcast, she wished she hadn't made it at all.

"I guess they won't do me much good now," she commented, holding an envelope apparently with the pictures. "Unless, you know how to contact him…" she trailed off uncertainly.

Max was about to deny knowing anything about Eyes Only when she noticed what was at Asha's feet. A box that wasn't all the way shut, with clothes, and possibly other items, in it. She stared at them and looked back to Asha's face with her head cocked slightly. Though she didn't ask for any explanation, her body language was clearly showing that she was a bit taken aback by the personal items that Asha had left at Logan's.Max had never really considered just how close Asha was with the man. She knew they were friends, but it never occurred to her that Asha was this 'at-home' in Logan's apartment.

"I also remembered that I'd left some stuff here." She bit her lip. Max wasn't sure if it was out of guilt, or just hiding the pain she must have been in at the moment from the absence of someone she cared so much about. Neither had denied that Logan was gone, but Asha taking back her belongings…there really wasn't any escaping the truth with something like that thrust in your face. Logan was definitely gone.

"It's cool," Max said with a nod, not wanting to get into any more emotional thoughts or conversations for the evening. She found herself again just wanting to sleep.

Asha smiled, but her eyes didn't look happy. Even though she wasn't saying anything out loud, Max could tell she was thinking of Logan.

"Okay!" Asha interrupted the awkward silence. "Thanks, Max. Sorry for bothering you. I guess.. I didn't realize you were living here now. I guess… maybe I should give you this."

Max's eyes narrowed at the object in Asha's outstretched hand. It was a key.

"Why'd you knock?" Max asked bluntly, a little bothered that Logan had allowed Asha free access to his apartment whenever she wanted. That was a little more unnerving than seeing the girl's belongings had been just sitting around the place.

Asha shrugged, "Habit I guess. I always knock." She looked down, and spoke quieter, almost in a whisper, "And he always answers."

Max stared at her with pity, putting aside any ill feelings she normally associated with the girl. She waved her hands at her. "Keep it," she said, deciding it wasn't worth getting worked up over.

Asha looked up and her eyes held some hope. Max found herself pitying the blonde. It was like if she kept the key, it was somehow holding onto the hope that she was going to meet Logan again.

"Are you sure?" Asha asked.

"Yea," Max nodded, not wanting it to be a big deal, "Whatever." After another stretch of uncomfortable silence, she added, "He's coming back," offering some comfort with quiet conviction, willing herself to believe the words with her whole heart.

Asha nodded with a weak smile, realizing how obvious she must look at the moment. "Well, I better get going," she replied, clearly trying not to cry in front of Max, though it wouldn't be the first time. She had been crying hte last time Max had seen her.

"Later," Max said, as she watched Asha disappear, along with the box.

She let out a sigh as the door closed.

Max turned to the couch that had never looked so comfortable in her eyes until now. "Nothing is gonna interrupt my beauty sleep!" She decided, as she locked and bolted the door.

She let all her thoughts leave her as she collapsed onto the comfy make-shift bed, and fell into a deep sleep.


a/n: I hope that clears up a bit of where Max stands right now