Konoha Noire

Arc 01

Chapter 01

Koyomi swallowed, staring at Suruga-san as she walked just a little ahead of him. And what a walk it was. Almost like drifting, as if she was something from a dream, gliding through downtown Konoha's muck but not actually a part of it. She was beautiful, in the way only a full, mature woman could be.

Motherhood had been kind on Suruga-san, he reasoned.

Truly she didn't belong here, a beauty like that had no place being somewhere like this. The three story residences of this street all pressed together, barely a foot of clearance separating them. The ninja didn't jump from roof to roof here, they just sort of stepped. Most leering fools on the street didn't have all their teeth, and even the ones that did had brown and black ones.

His hand went to his wallet, didn't want it stolen, and he shot a glare at a one of the men leering at Suruga-san. She might not be his woman, but tonight was his night, and no one else could touch her.

It probably wasn't a long time, although for a young business man in this part of town it felt like quite a while. At most they walked for ten minutes until she drifted to an apartment building and he shuffled inside behind her. An old woman smoking on the stairs smirked at him as he passed behind Suruga-san, ash falling from the tip of her cigarette and scattering along the step. Something sticky greeted his fingers when he put his hand on the railing, and he resolved to wash his hands at the nearest opportunity.

Suruga-san stopped at a doorway, reaching for her keys when she caught his eye, then a smile parted her lips and he was captured by her beauty. Her perfect white teeth flashed as she turned, leaning against the door frame and beckoned him towards her. At the same time his hands found her waist, her's found his collar and pulled their faces together. She was tall for a woman, and their heads were at perfect height as they kissed, the tantalisingly sweet hint of alcohol on her breath only helped the taste of her lips.

Her hand creeped away from the collar of his robe, and towards his crotch. He was so entranced, that he didn't notice when the door next to them opened. She was so excited she didn't notice when someone called out, "Ka-san!" right next to her face. It was only when something loud whistled right next to them that they broke apart.

A girl stood there, two fingers leaving her mouth as she gave both the 'adults' an annoyed look. Koyomi noticed her wipe the small amount of spit from her fingers on her ill-fitting shirt, before she sighed and stepped aside.

"Sorry, Minami-chan." Suruga-san smiled that beautiful smile as she glided inside, but this Minami didn't seem affected by it, and how couldn't she? "How was school today?"

The girl brushed a strand of white/grey hair from her green/grey eyes, as she fixed Koyomi with a glare. The girl had almost no resemblance to her mother at all. "Sensei gave us back our semester's reports," she answered the question, but didn't seem to be paying her mother any attention. "I did well."

"That's nice." The mother bent down in front of something, and it took Koyomi a second to rip his eyes away from that young girl's fierce glare to see what it was. "And how's my little Minato-chan today?" The woman rose, a small toddler in her arms.

The baby didn't say anything, or respond to the mother's affections at all really.

"She's been hungry all day." And boy did it sound like Minami was blaming someone for that. "I was about to take her out for dinner."

"Oh, well you better get some lovely yummy wummies in Minato's little tummy, shouldn't you?"

"Have you got any money so I can buy her dinner?" Minami ignored the woman's tone, and little Minato bore it just as stoically.

Suruga-san put the baby down and turned to her daughter, reaching for her purse. Taking out a single 100 Ryo note, she pressed it into the girl's hand. "Here, this should get you two something nice."

Minami looked at the note, then up at the mother as if to say, that's all?

Turning back to face Koyomi, Suruga-san smiled at him. "Why don't you wait here while Minami and I go get changed?"

Koyomi smiled, and tried to ignore the glare he was getting from the girl. "I'll just watch Minato then." The moment he said that, he regretted it as Minami's eyes flashed dangerously at the mention of her sibling, and the little girl in question turned her gaze to him. Now these two had a fair amount of resemblance, at least in how sharp their glares were.

"Thank you." Suruga-san smiled, and she was the only one. "Come on, Minami-chan."

The angry stare left the room, following behind her mother, leaving just the youngest. The way the girl was looking at Koyomi… Was she evaluating him? Her eyes met his, glanced down at his clothes, then back up to his face. Then she snorted, dismissively at that, her eyes rolled slightly, and she picked up the book at her feet. He was surprised again as he realised the book was a dense one about history.

"What do you have there, Ojou-chan?"

"'Ojou-chan'?" she repeated, sounding bemused, before shaking her head and turning a page.

"...Look's like an interesting book." He ventured.

Lowering it, she turned to face him, an eyebrow raised.

He stared back at her for a minute, before smiling. "Do I have something on my face?"

"..." A three year old shouldn't have eyes that look like that.

"I don't think your big sister likes me very much. Do you know why?"

Then the girl snorted before replying, "Why do you think, kid?"

Wait, what? Did she just call him kid? "W-why?"

"Let me put it this way. Imagine, one night your Oka-san come home with a guy you've never met before, he's a decade younger than her, and you know he's planning on plugging her later that night."

He had no idea how to respond to that.

"Do you think you'd like the guy?"

"...Probably not."

"Alright, so do you think my sister likes you?"

"Well, no, but-"

She held a hand out to cut him off. "So do you think I like you?"

"N-no, but-"

"Do you think either of us are ever gonna like you?"

He closed his mouth and stared at the child.

She turned back to her book. "So then what the fuck have you got to say to me?"


Konoha is a city that doesn't make any sense, but still makes sense in all the ways a city needs to.

Oh sure, they call it a 'village', but this doesn't look like a clustered settlement larger than a hamlet but smaller than a town to me. I know what urban blight looks like: graffiti, petty crime, the smell of smoke and rotten dreams that gets into your clothes but never scrubs off your skin. Even if I don't hear people calling each other racial slurs, even if no one's doing drive-bys, or cocaine, it's still a slum, still the city's shit hole.

That's the part of this town that's clear to me. Rich getting richer, and the poor getting crapped on. They're the mouth, we're the flusher. The only thing that changes is what gets fed through one end and dumped out the other. It's the way the world works, it's the way it's worked since two people decided to build houses next to eachother.

Like I said, it makes sense.

But then again, they have electricity, but they don't have guns. The poor can't afford hair dye, but kids are running round with cotton candy growing out of their scalps. Twelve year olds walk down the street alone, and no one even thinks of messing with them because of some metal plate on their head. The people speak Japanese, but they buy things with Ryo rather than Yen. I haven't seen a car or heard a CD player since I got here, but if you got the cash you can check out the latest block-buster for a hundred fifty at the cinema.

And a two year old girl has the memories of a fifty four year old detective.

It doesn't make any goddamn sense.

And that annoys me, not understanding. Even after almost three decades as a detective, even after god knows how many unclosed cases, I still get that itch when I can't figure something out. When I was a fifty four year old man, I'd just take out a cigarette and scratch it with nicotine. Can't do that now though, because god knows I'd smack the cigarette out of a two year old's hand and these people would do the same thing.

I'd kill for a cigarette right now.

So many questions, and it's a good thing kids are allowed to ask questions.

For example: "Minami, why are there faces on that mountain?"

Which lead to, "What's a hokage?"

Then, "What do you mean… 'ninja'?"

And finally, "You're going to a school… for ninja's?"

And if she noticed how incredulous I was, she didn't show it. But honestly, ninjas? Are they all training to fight James Bond for the nefarious Doctor No? Just the way she, a nine year old, says it like it's the most normal thing in the world makes my head spin. It kinda reminds me of the way my kids explained to me what the shows they watched on Saturday mornings were about, like it made sense for a bunch of mutant ninja turtles to be named after famous artists.

But after I knew that, a lot more things started to pop into place. Like, why so many people walked around with swords and knives, or kept their faces covered, other small things like that. Raised a lot of other questions though, like where in the world do ninjas still exist?

Eventually I learned enough of this language that I could start reading a bit, and I nagged Minami into letting me come along for a few library visits. I still had a ways to go before I was up to par with Kanji, but history books still clued me in.

This isn't planet earth.

And everything makes complete sense.