13.

It would have been hard to say which of them was the more surprised when Loki barrelled into Thor head first, almost knocking him into the ground. If it was an attack it was a strange one, Loki clinging to Thor, arms wrapping tightly around his waist and taking the breath out of him. He clung to Thor so hard Thor could not have disentangled him even if he had been sure he wanted to. And he did not want to. The one thing he knew at this moment was how glad he was Loki was not letting him walk away, how relieved to have been charged like this. Certainly he had only been walking away to the slowest definition of the word.

"Don't go," Loki said. Thor barely heard the words, snuffled into his back as they were, but he knew what they were all the same. It was not, Loki thought crossly, sadly, what he had meant to say or wanted to say, certainly if he had wanted to say it at all it would have been a command, not the sniffled little plea that actually came out of him.

Thor turned around, dragging Loki off of his back gently as he did – gently because as long as they were still touching Loki allowed it. He permitted Thor to drag him round and hold him to his chest, falling limply where he was placed like a worn out child.

"Loki –" Thor sighed, shaking his head – it was all he could say, it took all of his energy to go from being angry to – whatever he was now, and then –

"Loki, don't cry". Thor felt his heart falter and melt. It was hopeless. He could not keep his own integrity, let alone any anger or righteousness, for five seconds in the face of Loki crying on him.

"I'm not crying!" Loki sniffed angrily, wiping his nose on the front of Thor's shirt.

"You are too."

"Thor, don't be so –" Loki looked up at him, face streaked with black and taking a big sniff – "Childish".

"I am not the one sulking and crying."

"I can cry if I want to," Loki huffed, pouting.

"Loki – Loki – my shirt!"

Loki made a little sound that was almost a chuckle and blew his nose on Thor's shirt again to prove his point.

"Can we – can we go home now?" Thor looked down at Loki's face, eyes shining with tears. When he cried it was as though the act washed all the other colour from Loki's eyes and only a shining, clear silver remained. There was so much he needed to say to him, so much he needed to ask. Ten minutes ago he had been thinking on giving up on Loki for good, half an hour before that he had thought he was dead. He remembered what both of those feelings had been like and nodded gently;

"Yes Loki, we can go home."

-x-

Back in the apartment, Loki whistled softly;

"You need me. Look at this mess."

"Loki –" Thor remembered – as briefly as he could – throwing half the contents of the place from side to side over and over again, drunk and raging and wretched with Loki dead – "You were dead," he shrugged, looking at him. The hurt in his eyes would have been enough to make anyone else apologise on the spot and feel bad that an apology was all they could offer. Loki's lip twitched and he looked away and would not meet Thor's eye again.

"I'll make tea," Thor said and set about the motions in the kitchen.

"English," Loki rolled his eyes – "There is not a crisis that could hit you that you would not face with a nice cup of tea, is there?

"Drink your fucking tea, Loki."

Loki slouched into a kitchen chair and took the tea;

"It's hot," he whined – "You're still angry at me," he made his lip quiver, on purpose this time. Thor recognised the purpose and would not play.

"Loki – I – I – you –" it occurred to him, looking at the narrow slant to Loki's eyes, that any hint of blame, even in his tone would just make Loki retreat into himself and his vast selfishness all over again and so – "I thought you were dead," he said, as calmly as he could – You let me think you were dead. Can I just ask why?"

"Why." Loki echoed. He leaned back, swirled his fingers around the handle of his tea cup, leaned the chair so far back he nearly fell – "I'm a star," he shrugged – "I wanted to go out with a bang. Change the world. Come back better. It was a story and I – I didn't want to just be the trickster anymore." There was something else, Thor could see it, more than one something. Loki almost carried on but then closed his mouth too suddenly.

"So did you?"

"Did I what?"

"Change the world?"

"Try to change the world –" Loki gave a half shrug this time – "Only end up changing ourselves."

"Is that so bad?"

"You take a look at the world?" Loki sighed.

"No," Thor said. He was tired, too tired to be anything but honest – "No Loki, I just looked at the space you left behind in it. I – I don't care so much about the world – I only care –"

"Thor shut up. –" Loki's eyes were brimming again – "Please, please shut up – I – I wanted to see – if anyone would miss me. If you would miss me. I wanted to see if you could manage without me."

"Did you want me to?"

"No." Loki looked at Thor fiercely, it was the first really honest thing he had said so far – "No I didn't. I didn't want you to be happy without me. I didn't want you to carry on. I should have, shouldn't I? Would that make me a good person? I should have just wanted you to be happy. I didn't. I wanted you to miss me so hard that I would sweep back in just before it killed you. I thought you'd be so happy to see me you wouldn't be angry, just pleased. But it wasn't like that." Lokis eyes went hard again.

"Loki I came back to life when I saw you – but of course I was angry. You don't do that to someone."

"Don't you?" Loki shrugged – "What the hell do I know? I never loved anyone before."

There it was, naked in Loki's face, he could feel it there himself like claw marks across his cheeks. He stared down at the tea growing cold in his hands.

"Yes Thor," he almost snapped it, as though Thor had argued with him – "You think I didn't notice? Didn't feel how good we were? How much we worked together? Even our music was working. It was beautiful, like we were creating something magic, new. It seemed like – we could really – be a thing, be – I don't know – happy – and I – I –" two tears slipped silently down his face and he raised his palms in surrender, closed his eyes, knowing that he had to say it before Thor said it for him and made him shout at him for it – "I was scared," Loki breathed and stared at Thor in some kind of challenge.

Thor clasped his hands across the table;

"So was I," he admitted – "And I still am."

"Still – you mean we could still – no I – I fucked it up didn't I? People don't do that, you said. You care about that sort of thing."

"Yes, I care," Thor nodded – "But not as much as I care about you. I hate you, I wasn't lying when I said that, but hell Loki it doesn't matter – because I love you more than life."

Loki looked at him then, properly, finally, hands finally still in Thor's, not fighting as they had been, wriggling like trapped butterflies in Thor's great hands.

"You do?"

"I always did."

"I –" Loki's lip quivered all on its own.

"Shall we take this to the sofa?"

Loki nodded, pulling his hands away from Thor's only with reluctance. He drained his tea and made a face –

"Ugh, I hate cold tea."

There was still so much to ask, but for several minutes they lay on the sofa, Loki burrowing in to Thor, listening to his heart beat as Thor stroked his hair and back. It could wait, it could all wait.

"Thor?" Loki mumbled eventually.

"Yes Loki?

"I hate you too."

"I know."

"But you know that thing – that thing that you said - why it didn't matter?"

"Yes Loki?" Loki's cheeks were flushed so hot Thor could feel it through his damp, slightly disgusting shirt.

"I do that thing too!"

Thor smiled.

"I know Loki."

"I always did too!"

"I know that too."

He felt Loki sigh and almost relax; felt him almost smile.

_x_

Heee, this chapter was fun to write – I think I have at least two left, certainly they still have a lot to resolve! :-)