18.
Home. It had been about a hundred years, or so it seemed to Thor. He wished he could have known how it felt to Loki, wished he even knew what home meant to Loki. But as the plane descended into Gatwick and Thor watched the lights of London rising up out of the dark, the world becoming clearer by the second, Loki just snored into his shoulder.
"Hey." Thor pushed him gently. It did nothing.
"Hey." Thor physically lifted Loki's head off his shoulder. Loki continued to sleep.
"Loki!" Thor lifted his head up and shook him all at once. He felt sick from the descent, his ears ringing and strange, all sounds distant as though underwater. It happened to him every time and Loki just slept through it all. He finally opened his eyes to peer blearily at Thor; when he rubbed his eyes his knuckles came up black from the liner he had forgotten he was wearing.
"Whaaaaat?" he groaned, annoyed.
"Loki we're home. We're there. Wake up!"
"I have woken up –" Loki yawned – "Don't like it."
"You wanna go straight home?"
Loki smiled.
"Home," he echoed – "I've never seen your house. Feels odd. Anyway no –" he shook his head – "You said there was somewhere you wanted to go first."
"If you're not too tired."
"I'm not – you're the one who didn't sleep. Weirdo."
"Just because I don't drop off like a baby as soon as I get inside any form of transport –"
"It rocks softly Thor," Loki rolled his eyes – "How am I supposed to not sleep through that?"
"I'm not too tired," Thor smiled – "C'mon – Fandral's sorting luggage for us. We can just head off."
"Aww" Loki moaned, pouting good naturedly for once – "But I'll miss the carousel game!"
"Remind me again how old you are?"
"You are never too old for the carousel game."
But Loki followed Thor towards the taxi rank all the same.
"Where are we going?" he asked as they got in.
"Shhh," Thor smiled, almost brotherly – "It's a surprise".
Loki accepted that, always it seemed, like he accepted nothing else, and turned to look idly out of the window at the lights in the rain as they drove past. London was black and deep, dancing colours out of the rain-shiny streets like fireworks out of the ground. As the taxi pulled up the rain was just stopping.
"I remember," Loki said as they stood outside the door to the bar. He smiled a smile that was warm and wry and uncertain, almost wary just at the end.
It was all he said before Thor took his hand and led him through, across the quiet foyer and up the stairs that led to the roof garden. A couple of bartenders nodded them up, knowing who they were.
"You planned this," Loki murmured.
"Booked the place out."
"You throwing a party?"
"Not this time."
Close your eyes, count the beats, make a wish. Pick up a memory that suddenly feels like yesterday. Come back the morning after, in the end it feels like you never went away.
They had stopped holding hands as they walked across the roof, though neither had really noticed. Loki felt something he was not sure he knew, a feeling like he supposed you might get in church. He had never felt it in a church. Here, with the chairs on the tables, the rain dripping between the slats, the faint smell of smoke and ash in the walls and the plants in their pots earthy in the rain. It was different. He felt it; a kind of reverence; the need to speak quietly.
"I remember," he said again. Thor looked at him; Loki's eyes were closed as though it was a prayer.
There was one table left in the corner with the chairs down and glasses out, beer bottles and bar snacks for the bread and wine. Thor threw his coat down on the bench; it was leather, it would survive. They both sat looking out, backs to the table, over the low wall and onto the night sky, the rooftops of London.
"I forget – " Thor said, as he handed Loki a drink – "I forget where we were, we were on tour somewhere. You said to me - Thor, a man's life is his image, you said you knew who you were because the papers and the fans were always telling you. You said an artist creates beautiful things but puts none of his real self into them –"
Loki choked on his drink, made a face, pulled the green gemstone he had almost swallowed out from between his teeth. He held it between finger and thumb and looked at Thor both quizzically and with admiration. Thor shrugged –
"You think you're the only one who can pull off a piece of good timing? We work together remember? You gave me that when we were here last. And now I need to know – which one did you mean? You can't put nothing of yourself into what you create if you are the thing you create. So which did you do?"
Loki turned the stone over in his fingers, it was shiny, filled with a million motes and tiny facets, a galaxy swimming inside.
"My real self," he took a deep breath – "I didn't know what I was talking about. It was all lines. Every word. They sounded good. Were they lies? I don't know. No more than they were true. I could tell you the world is changed because you are made of ivory and gold it would be no less true but still just a line. You never read Oscar Wilde?"
"I know The Happy Prince."
"Of course you do –" Loki rolled his eyes – "I – I meant it all – and not at all. I was my image yes, but I didn't put myself into it. I put myself –" he held out the stone, as though knowing what he had done for the first time – "Into this. I don't know if it was a lifetime of feelings or just that one night but I put myself into this and then –"
"You gave it to me."
"Yes," Loki said, slow but finally certain fingers fixing the stone back onto his jacket – "How did you know I was ready to take it back?"
"Because," Thor said – "I always knew who you were." He smiled, more craftily than Loki had been ready for, and took Loki's chin in his fingers, tilting his face to his, traced the curve of lips with a finger and added – "The curves of your lips re-write history," and he kissed Loki, knowing without seeing that Loki's eyes were as shiny, damp and sparkling as the jewel on his lapel.
Later they stood at the wall, watching the stars come out as the clouds parted. Loki's hands rested on the wall whilst his back relaxed into Thor's chest. He fingered the green stone and smiled –
"You are –" he grinned – "Quite a performer. A sly one too."
"I learned from the best," Thor kissed the top of Loki's head.
"You have me now," Loki added.
"And you're not a stone."
"Close your eyes –" Loki said and in the blink before they looked at the sky it was possible a star fell down – "Make a wish."
Make a wish and picture yourself on a stage, turning, glittering, tumbling down, turn yourself inside out. You start to soar, a tangle of stars in your hair. Of course you were pleasantly surprised. As it all drops away you stood in this place and you stand there now and if you stepped off into the night you would still be flying.
"I don't think I need to," Thor said, his arms winding tighter around this strange one he had finally caught, Loki's smile pressed against the back of his hand.
Maybe it had been a shooting star; a spaceship or a trick of the light. They watched it pass and did not need to wish.
-x-
We were caught inside a moment/ In a moment in between/ You left behind a scrap of red I left behind the green/ Sometime before the morning/ Sometime after the start/ Sometime between the first and last/ You took away my heart/ I didn't want to feel/ But I know that this is true/ Sometime between the first and last/I fell in love with you.
_X_
This time we are really finished! Thank you all for following and hopefully I'll see you all for my next long Thorki – it's a good one, I've been brewing in my head for the last few weeks – Pale Shadow coming soon!
