A/N: Hey people! We're back! We would have updated sooner (at least by a week any way), but I have been REALLY busy with my A level coursework, so I haven't been able to type this up until now, and I was busy with the exams over Christmas. Otherwise over Christmas I would have got more of this written while just bob was down. But the good news is that just bob is coming back down soon (just after I finish my course work), so we'll be able to write lots more. Right just bob?

JB:That's the plan.

hands cookies out to everyone YAY! The number of reviews doubled for the last chapter. THANK YOU to everyone who reviewed. We truly love you all. It really made just bob and my day. THANK YOU! Oh, yeah, and thank you to anyone who put this on their favourite/ author alert list.

Disclaimer: I don't own any rights to Lord of the Rings, but I do own the DVD's, the books, the poster, the pencils, the postcards, the calendar, the action figures, the CD's and the limited Edition 5000 volume Autobiography of Galadriel (it seemed a bit rushed to me).

Chapter 5: Galadriel knows all the answers.

Galadriel stood at the Mirror of Galadriel, staring into its' enchanted waters. In a succession of long helicopter shots, she observed the progress of the Fellowship as they travelled over the Misty Mountains, and south through the eastern foothills, to her woodland domain. Only she could see the images in the murky waters of the pool. A subtle smile touched her regal lips (hang on a minute, since when can lips be regal?).

Two guards were passing the clearing where the Mirror could be found. One commented to the other, "She's been staring into that mirror for two days."

"Yeah, how vain can you be?"

Being Galadriel, she had of course heard every word they had said, but she chose not to respond. Galadriel had been following the progress of the neo-Fellowship, ignoring (as she so often did) all restrictions of plot and timeline.

The camera peering over her shoulder zoomed into the picture of the Fellowship, rippling into another helicopter shot.

(&)

The reuniting of Gandalf and Legolas with the rest of the Fellowship was a truly magically joyous moment. Tears of happiness abounded, as did hearty slaps on the back, tight brotherly hugs, and promises that this would never happen again (those poor ignorant fools). However, such joy quickly becomes tedious to write, so we'll skip straight back to the suffering.

The group were travelling through …. erm …. a hail-storm (yes, that will do). Such weather was unusual for mid-autumn, and this was not mid-autumn, but July. The storm had sprung out of nowhere on the whim of the fanfic writers. Hailstones the size of DONKEYS pleated the ground to either side of them and the cold was more bitter than a chicken Vindaloo. At one point, a hailstone the size of a kettle struck Frodo on the leg, and he fell tumbling down the side of the mountain, into Sam's awaiting arms. The Fellowship were wetter than a bottle of champagne, but less bubbly, and were shaking like a pneumatic drill operator.

All things considered, they felt it was quite good going that they arrived in Lothlorien that afternoon. Haldir was there to greet them, which surprised the members of the Fellowship following the movie-verse.

Back at Galadriel's Mirror

Celeborn dragged at Galadriel's arm. "Come on Galadriel, we must greet the guests," but Galadriel resisted, clinging to the edges of the mirror.

"I want to see what happens next," she wailed.

(&)

The party stood at the base of the greatest tree in Lothlorien. Towards them came a wondrous sight, a maiden as fair as the sun, and even more ancient. She shone with an inner light which brought joy to all those who beheld it. Her eyes were twin pools of wonder in her divine face, a doorway to the infinite wisdom within. And O, her hair! A waterfall of golden starlight. She wore a dress of purest white, and a circlet of diamonds was mounted upon her radiant locks. Her beauty defied description.

And beside her stood Galadriel, who wore a smile of superiority, unlike her hand-maiden, who wore a sulk of defeat. It's a wonderful feeling; knowing you're the best.

Needless to say, at the sight of Galadriel, Gimli was in starry eyed bliss.

"I trust your trip was not too arduous?" she asked gracefully.

"Oh, nothing out of the ordinary," replied Gandalf.

"WHAT?" exclaimed Gaurbrith. "What do you mean 'nothing out of the ordinary'? We trudged through a storm with hailstones as big as bookshelves, and we got attacked by monsters in the Misty Mountains!"

"I died," Legolas announced proudly.

Galadriel nodded. "Nothing out of the ordinary, then."

"Hang on, we got here in a ridiculously short amount of time, yet you set off from Rivendell after us and arrived long before us. THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!"

"I know a short cut."

"Then why didn't you tell us?"

Galadriel smiled enigmatically.

Frustrated, Gaurbrith turned on Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion "And you! You spoke in archaic language when we first met, and now you don't! What happened there?"

"In sooth, I know not of what thou dost speak," replied Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion innocently. "My speech hath remained truly constant."

With growing frustration Gaurbrith rounded on Boromir. "You're the worst! Before the end of the last chapter, you were addicted to Athelas!"

"I go through these phrases: drug addiction. Evilness. Death."

Gaurbrith sank his head into his hands, and disappeared from the chapter.

"You have come to the woods of Lothlorien, after your long and tedious journey," Galadriel continued patronizingly. Celeborn sidled up to Aragorn. "She's such a T.V. critic these days. Too much Mirror if you ask me."

"Celeborn!" Galadriel snapped her fingers and pointed to the ground beside her. Celeborn stuck his hands in his pockets and moped over to where Galadriel was pointing, kicking the rich Lothlorien dirt as he went.

"You may stay in Lothlorien while you rest and regain your strength. You may replenish your supplies, which have greatly diminished."

"How do you know?" Frodo spoke up.

"Because I know everything," Galadriel replied serenely. She paused for a moment before saying "Stop that Gimli!"

Gimli blushed, and Celeborn glared at him.

"I will also personally tend to your wounds, for I am almost as skilled a healer as Elrond."

Suddenly Gimli cried out, "Ohhh! Ahh! Owww! I'm suffering from a terrible, er, thigh strain. I got it fighting … orcs." He glanced out of the corner of his eye to Galadriel. "I think it may need a massage."

Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion stealthily walked up behind Gimli and smacked him round the head. "Insult ye not the Lady Galadriel with thy dwarven oafishness."

Legolas leaped to his friend's defence. "Leave him alone. It's not his fault that he's a dwarfish oaf."

"Thanks," said Gimli sarcastically, rubbing the back of his head.

"For now, I invite you onto one of my flets, where a feast has been prepared. There, we shall await the arrival of Lady Arwen's party from Imladris.

"How did you know we were coming?" called Arwen from across the clearing.

"Because I know everything."

(&)

Wondrous to behold, the feast was set out on low tables surrounded by cushions to sit on, in a layout obviously stolen from feudal Japan. On the tables were a great number of plates piled high with lembas bread, yae, even unto the height of a medium-sized dog. Everyone gratefully sat down and helped themselves to lembas bread, but Frodo and Sam were looking slightly green until the rest of the food was brought in, at which point they released a joint sigh of relief.

As the next-highest ranking elf, Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion felt it was his privilege to sit beside his hosts. Celeborn, who had never heard of him or his realm before, still chatted politely. As it so often does, especially in this fanfic, the subject of Valinor soon came up.

"I've never entirely agreed," commented Celeborn, "with them being called the Undying Lands. After all, people did die there."

"So the legends say, but then the Dead Marshes are teeming with life, just like all marshes," added Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion.

"For that matter, is the Brandywine River in the least bit alcoholic?"

"Has a shirt ever been ironed in the Iron Hills?"

"And what possessed the Valar to name their council chamber 'the Ring of Doom'? They must have had high hopes for the future."

"Have you ever been to Valinor?"

"No. I met Galadriel here in the kingdom of Doriath. I was on my way there with Galadriel, Bilbo, Frodo, Gandalf, Elrond and possibly Cirdan, but … we didn't make it."

Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion leaned forward eagerly. "Why not? What happened?"

Lord Celeborn shrugged. "I don't know. I just follow Galadriel. If she says we're going back to Lothlorien then we're going back to Lothlorien."

At the moment, Tom Bombadil bounded into the hall of feasting. With verve and enthusiasm, he danced to the rhythm of his own melodious voice. In his poetic style, he greeted one and all.

"Greetings to you,

And greetings to thee.

Greetings to all

In this mallorn tree.

When we gather,

to hold a feast,

We eat soft crumbly lembas

And drink beer of the yeast."

"Beer of the yeast?" inquired a local elf as he walked by, "that's a bit of a weak rhyme."

"When I improvise on the spot

Some rhymes are golden, others are rot."

Besides," said the elf's partner, "We elves of Lorien don't drink beer."

The lord of the Old Forest froze, and slowly brought one finger to his lips "Shh!" he said before prancing off, spouting more rhymes of inconsistent quality.

Growing tired of Gimli's drooling (and slightly disturbing thoughts), Galadriel had filled the seat next to her with the first thing to hand, which just happened to be Sam Gamgee. This also gave her the opportunity to inquire about Sam's family.

"So, how fares my namesake?"

"You mean lil' Goldilocks?"

"Yes, that bonny flaxen-haired little lady. She was so cheerful and full of life when last we met."

Sam nodded. "On 'er 13th birthday, she dyed her hair black and ever since she has insisted on wearin' only black clothing and black make-up and calling 'erself 'Sauronouska, Apprentice to the Witch King.'"

Galadriel nodded in understanding. "I remember going through that phase; one grows out of these things within a couple of centur- I mean years."

"I do 'ope so m'Lady. She don't 'alf look stupid. Hobbits were never meant to look gothic, and now she's got together with some of her friends and formed a musical band called 'Uruk-Hai."

Their conversation was drowned out by the enthusiastic song of the Lord of the Old Forest.

"Old lady G,

In your canteen,

With hair silky smooth,

You must use Pantene."

Everyone within hearing distance winced.

"What? You think you could do better?"

At that moment, he felt a hand on his shoulder. "Oi! You shouldn't be here! Get back to your basket!"

Head bowed, he was led out of the hall by the Lothlorien soldier. In the corridor, they were stopped by one of Arwen's party.

"Where do you think you're taking him?"

"Back to his basket, of course."

"But he belongs to us," protested the Imladris guard.

"No, you swapped him for a couple of packets of cigarettes, earlier today."

"Sorry, you're right, it completely slipped my mind."

"Actually, I'm glad I bumped into you. You explained how often I should feed him and take him for walks, but when should I use this muzzle?"

"Only when he gets over-excited. We're not slave drivers, after all."

End of Chapter 5.

There you go, this wasn't our best chapter, the next one should be better. Hopefully the next chapter should be here A LOT quicker.

Teha: Sorry we couldn't update soon, but glad you like the fic. The Valar are pretty cool.

Bitter Irony: Hands over some Athelas leaves for the sore throat.

Forsaken Child: looks over shoulder at stalker Will you stop stalking now? Or do I have to update fastest first?

Boromir's Curse: That's cool. It was a little cheeky of me to point it out, but I missed you:D Spot on with the Athelas addiction hands cookie over. Did we write Lord K by accident? (We refer to him by that, makes life easier, especially as just bob's the only one who can actually pronounce it. It's scary how easily he can as well). We'll here again from Faramir in a few chappies. mmmmmmmm, cookie dough ice cream.

Tsuki Yume: Thank you. . . .cool name.

cosmic dancer: Hope this chapter wasn't to disappointing. It was more of an in between chapter. I don't think it turned out as well as me or just bob hoped. shrugs Still had some good jokes in through. :D Yep, we were aiming for doctor's surgery. hands cookie over It wasn't suppose to be refer, but reference and there was a star in front of it that linked to the bit were Pippin says 'which way is west', which was a reference to something. The computer's been messing up when I transfer the doc. To so when there's several lines between scenes, it gets turned into clear one on word here not very clear changes.

Mrbalaclava: Trust me; you don't want to get inside my head! As for the ideas, they come from all over the place, I'm not even sure where most come from, but as it's a spoof fanfic, most ideas come from reading other fanfics and jokes that come into my head about them.

Bardmaiden: Hugs for reviewing hehe, thank you.

Puddin Pie: It's good to know I'm not the only one who noticed the whole Athelas thing. Hope your family continues to think your weird ('cause your laughing at the story).