A/N (JB):We apologise. It's not that we've been busy or anything, it's just that we're lazy. (jmercuryuk: I don't know what he's saying, I had 13 exams) But anyway, we haven't really been updating as often as we should, and we're going to try to remedy that. Also, it's now about a year since we started writing, so yay us! Many happy returns, or whatever!

This chapter is also a bit shouter than quite a few so far, for no particular reason except we wanted to get onto the next one, for which we have a few very interesting ideas...

Disclaimer:I don't own any of the LotR characters. Not even Merry and Pippin. Just don't tell them that.

Chapter 7: Step Forward Master Hobbit

War! Merry woke up to the sound of knocking on his door.

"Hurry up, Merry. We're leaving very soon."

"I'll be down in a minute," Merry said, and went back to sleep.

(&)

A while later, he was re-awoken by loud knocking at the door. He leapt out of bed, rushed over to the door and opened it. Gaurbrith stood in the doorway. "You said you'd be down in a minute…"

Merry interrupted him. "Yeah, there were a couple of things I had to do." Like sleeping, he thought.

"That was an hour and a half ago, though."

"Yes, well, it took me a while."

"Well, hurry up. We're all saddled to go." And he turned and left.

Merry shut the door, shrugged and crawled back into bed.

(&)

Boromir kicked down the door, grabbed Merry by the ankle and hauled him out of bed. He was dragged, kicking and screaming, down the corridor, fighting for all he was worth. When they got to the ladder, the hobbit was wriggling like a fish in acid. So Boromir killed him.

"There, that's more manageable," he said as he descended the ladder.

At the bottom of the ladder, he laid out Merry's corpse and went off to join the rest of the group. He arrived just in time to see Pippin being dragged in, still sleeping, by Legolas.

Gimli scratched his head. "How are we going to wake this Halfling?"

"I'll just go and get some athelas," said Aragorn.

Frodo stepped forward. "I think I have a better idea," and he took out a mushroom. "This is as close to breakfast as I can offer on such short notice."

At the mention of breakfast, Pippin leapt up and dragged the mushroom. "Okay, that's a start. So, where are the sausages, bacon, ham, tomatoes, onions basil, toast, scrambled eggs, fried eggs, boiled eggs and porridge?"

Frodo put a comforting hand on Pippin's shoulder. "I'm sorry, Pip, we have none of them."

Pippin's face fell. "Not even the basil?"

Frodo just shook his head, and Pippin flopped dejectedly to the ground. "Where's Merry?" he said after taking a moment to contemplate his suffering.

"He's over there," said Boromir. "I killed him," he added.

"What!exclamation mark!"

"Oh, he's okay now. Have a look."

Sure enough, Galadriel was stood there, passing her hands over the prone Merry. There was a small but impressive light show and Merry sat bolt upright. Galadriel gestured to her arms. "Nothing in my right sleeve, nothing in my left." She accepted the polite applause of all present.

Pippin ran and gave him a hearty hug (but not at all gay). "How are you feeling?"

Merry jumped up and down, and then ran in a small circle. "I'm absolutely awesometaculspiffy."

"Awesometaculspiffy?" asked Pippin, looking slightly worried.

"Yeah, top-of-the-morning-and-ready-to-take-on-the-world-with-a-song-in-my-heart-and-a-spring-in-my-step. So-shall-we-get-going-come-on-come-on-come-on! Ooh, butterfly!" and he ran off after the passing butterfly.

"I'm afraid he'll be a bit hyperactive for a while. One of the side effects of resurrection, you understand."

The Fellowship looked on in dread as Merry span and danced, giggling like a child.

"We're not doing well, are we," commented Gaurbrith. "We're only 7 chapters in, and we've already had 2 deaths, one of them by another member of the Fellowship, and I don't know where the plotline's gone."

"That sounds about average for fan-fiction to me," said Gandalf.

They all prepared to mount their horses. "We're leaving Merry," said Pippin.

"Whoo-yay, life's-great-and-the-sun-is-shining. Race-you-to-the-top-of-the-hill!" And with that, he sprinted off.

"But Merry, your horse is back here."

"I feel like running!" he called over his shoulder, before thumping into a tree-trunk.

Aragorn snagged him by the collar on the way past and lifted him into a saddle. "I am a ranger, so I will guide us through the wilderness paths to Kyryalya," he said, feeling the need to re-establish the plotline.

"Which way first, my brother-in-arms?" asked Boromir enthusiastically.

"Left!" Aragorn cried, before spurring his horse onward.

Arwen and Galadriel shared a look of mutual exasperation.

(&)

"We can't go on like this," said Boromir. "We had enough trouble just stopping him leaping from horse to horse!"

"Galadriel said the spell would wear off eventually," said Gandalf. "Until then, we just have to stop Merry from doing anything stupid."

Everyone game him 'The Look'.

"Anything disastrously stupid," he amended.

Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarseregedhelthalion made a retort so bitingly witty that we can't even write it.

"Why did I have to be stuck with him?" asked Boromir.

"Because you killed me!" Merry said brightly, ceasing his bouncing in the saddle long enough to give Boromir a big hug.

Boromir groaned as he detached the hobbit from around him and swung down from his horse. "I'm sure he was fidgeting with something behind my back," he said, turning to find a good place to put the lunchtime cooking fire and revealing an intricate arrangement of plaits and interwoven tree-flowers.

Lunch consisted of roast pork a la Vendee in an apple and garlic jus, stuffed with chestnuts and quail's eggs – IN PIPPIN'S DREAMS. They ate a weak gruel cooked by Aragorn, seasoned with leaves that he had grabbed from some bush in the hope that they might be athelas. Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarseregedhelthalion decided not to eat the gruel.

They all lay back and relaxed for a while. Frodo went off to violently empty his stomach.

To calm Merry down, Sam engaged him in conversation. To everyone's relief, this seemed to work, until suddenly he leapt up and ran off.

"Come back, Merry!" Sam shouted after him. "When I said I fancied oysters, I didn't mean you should go off to get some!"

Oysters? thought Pippin. He said he fancied oysters. This must mean he was secretly hoping someone might give him pearls.

Everybody ran in pursuit of Merry, who was already nearly out of sight. Everybody, that is, except Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarseregedhelthalion, who felt a bird call to be more worthy of his attention.

Merry, of course, ran straight into the waiting arms of some orcs (literally). They ignored his questions as to where the nearest oyster-bearing pond was. Frodo witnessed this but, because he had a bone of sense in his body, he remained hidden and only left to alert the others when he was sure he would not be spotted.

By this time, the Fellowship had split into their usual groups of one, to make their reunification as unlikely as possible. It was with complete disinterest that Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarseregedhelthalion watched them trail back into the camp over the course of the afternoon. As, one by one, they came into the camp, Frodo recounted the 'unfortunate' event that he had witnessed. Some were in favour of a daring rescue mission against almost insurmountable odds, but Boromir was soon shouted down, and they decided first to find their remaining lost companions, Sam and Pippin.

(&)

Being unable to find Merry, Pippin had deduced that he was playing Hide-and-Seek, and it was Pippin's turn to hide. He had decided to hide inside a hollow log, when he heard Frodo call out.

Frodo is calling out, thought Pippin. That's not a very good way to hide. Maybe he's using our Hide-and-Seek game as an opportunity to liaise with someone.

"Sam," shouted Frodo in a worried voice. "Where are you, Samwise Gamgee?"

All is not as it seems here. Hold on a minute! 'Samwise' has some of the same letters as 'Merry', which means he must be calling for me, Pippin. Pippin came to what seemed the only possible conclusion. Frodo and Sam are having an affair and they don't want me to run in on them and get jealous.

Frodo moved on, still calling out. A while later he returned, this time being chased by a horde of orcs.

That looks like a horde of orcs, observed Pippin from his hiding place, scraping hundreds of ants from his legs whose home he had disturbed. They must be local rangers dressed up in orc costumes, going to a fancy dress party. He rushed out into the path of the orcs. "Hey, I like parties. Do you mind if I come along?"

Not only did they not mind, they rather insisted. They even gave him a fancy dress costume, as a prisoner.

(&)

Frodo and Sam sprinted back to the camp, musing on the stupidity of their fellow hobbits. "Of course, they were the only ones captured," shouted Sam.

"Thank the Valar for comic relief double acts," replied Frodo.

End of Chapter 7.

Faramir Fancier That is indeed weird. We like it:D No doubt Eowyn would not screw it up like Saruman did. Sorry you didn't like what she did too Faramir.

BlueDove According to us Gondor is DEFINETLY better off, but she'd have to fight Eowyn for it.

cosmic dancer: We'll give the Red Dwarf a go, no guarantees (JB getting cold feet about it, liked it more months ago). But we very like the exam hall. We can try to fit them in (that's the tricky bit).

Gem: Yay, praise! We likes the praise, my preciousss. Yeah, we do just copy and paste (but JB knows how to say and spell the name worryingly well). JB thinks the Silmarillion is dense and a difficult read, I like the stuff about the Valar and the Elves. The bits about the humans were kinda boring. Sorry it took so long to update (hope your still reading), the next chapter will be here sooner.

Bitter Irony: Like we'd say what Gaurbrith means ;D Work it out. We're really sorry for the longer than unusual update.

Erasuithiel: Methinks you've slightly missed the point. We don't let accuracy get in the way of a good gag, just like some fanfic writers won't let accuracy get in the way of a bad plot :D Glad to see you still enjoyed it though. We put random crossovers in whenever it seems to fit the flow. Again really sorry about the long wait.

Puddin Pie: Look out for the "thingamorf", it may appear at an unexpected moment :D Look there it is! Behind you! hehe