A/N (JB):We're changing the setting for this one, mostly because we had a few great ideas and wanted to abuse them. If it throws you a bit, don't worry, as we'll be back to the Fellowship again immediately afterwards. We also seem to have a rather better idea of where we're going over the next half-dozen chapters, which is a nice change. Back at the start, we didn't know where we'd be by the end of the chapter, let alone after that.
Also, here's a bit of homework from me: who do you think was the victim of the poisoning? And who was the perpetrator? And, most importantly, why?...
Disclaimer:Rights are slippery things. You never know when a holder might suffer a terrible accident, like being shot in the middle of the night by a mysterious masked fanfic writer…
Chapter 8: The Organisation
Cue fanfare of The Stormtroopers' March
In a darkened room, the highest room in the tallest tower of Dol Guldur, he stood. He had deathly pale skin, and wore dark robes covered in evil symbols, also in black, which made them rather difficult to see. He leaned (carefully) on a black spiked chair, huffing and puffing from the many stairs he had just climbed. He wondered briefly if it would have been easier to take the elevator, but was distracted by a noise from the shadows. It sounded like whatever noise it is that an armadillo makes.
"Ah, my pretty," he said. "Heel!" The armadillo, for such it was, scuttled out and sat obediently beside him. "Are you as eager as I am, my familiar?"
The armadillo considered whether it should be a talking armadillo, but decided it would be just too silly. The Dark Lord frowned; he had always wanted a talking familiar. He carefully sat down in the spiked black chair, which was faced away from the round table, and spoke in a deep, sonorous voice.
"I call all my dark brothers of The Organisation, to plot evil deeds," he called in a dark, long forgotten language with too many consonants and not enough vowels (which you can understand because of the subtitles). "Come to me, your Dark Lord."
From the shadows stepped figures, also robed in black. There was a small scuffle as two people accidentally picked the same shadow, but this did not disturb the overall mood. Silently, they moved forward and sat down at the table.
Finally, when most of the places were filled, one of the assembled spoke. "Typical, that bastard's late again."
The Dark Lord's chair rotated slowly until he was facing the other black figures. "Firstly, for the record, I was not late that time; I was trying to make a dramatic entrance. Secondly…"
"Oh bugger," said the offending figure as he disappeared in a ball of flame.
The Dark Lord came to his feet, and raised his black-cloaked arms. The shadows grew deeper, and a chill swept through the room. "I call to order this meeting of The Organisation. Three thousand years it is since last we met. We shall begin by going over the minutes from the last meeting."
One of the black figures stood up. "Since our Dark Secretary was killed in that unfortunate event at our last meeting, I took the liberty of collecting her notes."
"You use your initiative well, Grostin. I predict that you will go far in our order."
"But my name's Billy."
"Silence! You are Grostin now, and you shall be our new Dark Secretary. Begin!"
"Ahem Our last meeting began with the minutes from the previous meeting."
"No shit, Sherlock!" heckled one dark figure.
"These are the worst minutes I've ever heard!" said another, warming up.
"Hurry up, my colleagues think I'm on a cigarette break," said one man, a tie poking out from under his robes.
"Mine think I'm on the toilet."
"Nobody will miss me," said a woman, taking off her McDonald's cap.
The new Dark Secretary shouted them down. "The minutes were received with no comments, and so we moved to our plans for the domination of Middle Earth. Several of our number were assigned to continue the raids on Gondor and Rohan. Furthermore, the funds obtained from the pillaging went towards the rent paid to Lord Sauron for this meeting room."
"Not a problem any more," sniggered someone.
"I still think we should have gone for the yellow room," said someone else.
"Prince Argen, our Dark Social Secretary, put forward the motion that he should become the leader of The Organisation, but this was immediately vetoed by our chairman. When the proposer refused to stand down, he was forcibly removed from this chamber, this organisation and this world.
"When the smoke had cleared, we moved on to discussing the annihilation of the elven race. Little progress was reported, but several members volunteered to step up assassinations and murders. At this point, Gil-Galad entered the meeting with his elven army. He put forward the motion that we dissolve the meeting and face the wall with our hands in the air. This seemed unpopular, but there were widespread abstentions, and so the meeting was brought to a close." Finishing, the secretary sat down.
The deep, chilling voice spoke again. "I am glad to see so many of our brotherhood escaped from our last meeting." The armadillo leapt onto the table and settled in front of the Dark Lord, who stroked it absently. "The elves are great hunters, but they are ultimately weak and will fall before us in time."
"Hang on a minute, can armadillos actually leap?" questioned a perceptive member. "If it's not suicidal of me to ask," he added.
"It is," replied the Dark Lord, fire shooting from his fingertips. "Now, since we're starting again after a long period out of action, I think we should aim as high as possible. Best foot/hoof/claw forward, and all that. Any objections?"
"Er, I'm not sure if that's the best strategy…"
"Shut up." FLAME
"I have heard reports of a high-profile poisoning. I do hope that one of you lads was responsible." There were non-committal mutterings of "I don't like to brag," and "I'm busy on Tuesdays."
Binndijk, Winged Demon of the North, spoke up. "Some of my orcish scouts have reported the capture of a couple of hobbits."
The chairman was unimpressed. "Fantastic, maybe we can ransom them home for some cabbages!"
The demon cringed, covering his horned head with his wings, and blurted out "They're from the Fellowship!"
"Ah now, that is a completely different matter. Well done, O Black-Hearted King of the Frozen North. You are promoted to dark second-in-command."
"Yatta!" said the demon lord, doing his trademark victory dance.
"Now we must prepare for the arrival of these hobbits," continued the as-of-yet unnamed Lord of Evil, "The Fellowship are bound to launch a rescue mission, and we must have some insurmountable odds for them to face. Grzebinoga and Zamoliskl, I delegate this task to you. Do not fail me!" he said, warming up his fingers. Little did he know that this was a fanfic, and all his plans were doomed from the outset. He took a moment to gloat. "I look forward to having the greatest heroes of the Fourth Age at my mercy."
"Like that's gonna happen," muttered a voice in the crowd.
"Don't make me use the flames!"
The Organization's token woman stood up. "With your permission, I would like to gather my band of sexy feminist warriors to menace the lands around Laketown."
"Ah yes, by all means. For that matter, take someone else with you. He'll do," he pointed to a random figure clad in black. "You will go and set something up to the east of Mirkwood. That area is never mentioned in the book, and I want to know what's there."
"But milord, I think it's just grassland."
"Then think of something evil involving grass," he said, as if this was the most obvious thing in the world. "How are our operations in Gondor?"
"Steady, O Dark One. Several of our projects were thriving for a while, but suddenly Lord Faramir's competence sharply increased. We are currently regrouping. We are looking into ways of remedying this situation, but most of these involve the death of Faramir."
"Forget about any that don't. Now we shall bring this meeting to a close."
They chanted a few dark rites, and ended on The Organisation theme song. Those who had forgotten their hymn sheets had to share. Beings began preparing to leave, tightening their sword belts and packing their briefcases.
A particularly bold spirit approached the Dark Lord. "Master, may I speak?"
"Yes, Shadow-Demon."
"I was just thinking that we don't really get much done in these meetings. Maybe that's why we haven't taken over Middle Earth yet."
"Shut up." FIREBALL
One of the newest members of The Organisation stepped forward. "Your Evil Lordship, do you think it's wise to kill off half the council at every meeting?"
He stood up, his familiar leaping athletically off and scuttling away to stand by the door. The Dark Lord raised his hand … and placed it on the youth's shoulder, giving a laugh that was hearty and yet still pretty evil.
"I like you, young man. You remind me of when I was young. I like that you speak your mind. You will be my new dark second-in-command. Binndijk, you will now be the Dark Webmaster. See that we have an impressive website."
As everyone was leaving, Binndijk was muttering bad-temperedly under his breath. As he waited for the elevator to come back up, he glanced at the smug familiar. "What's an armadillo doing in Middle Earth anyway?"
"Shut up," said the armadillo.
End of Chapter 8.
Heya (jmer here again), this will be the last chapter with review responses at the end, but we will still respond to your reviews if you leave your email address when you review, and I'll send round an email with the responses on :D . It's something I've seen a couple of writers doing and I think it's a good enough substitute.
cosmic-dancer-ukWell, the update didn't take as long as normal.We were feeling sorry for Merry and Pippin and the co. They didn't have a large part, but now they've stepped forward. Have you remembered your idea?
BlueDoveThere will be more double acts, in the next chapter. Don't worry we're not gonna forget about this any time soon.
Gem: We updated soon. . .ish. I think I know what you mean about going straight back to sleep though :D . We'll try to update in this short a time again.
Faramir Fancier As you said, it maybe confusing as hell, but at least you find it funny :D It's a good thing that you like the deaths. . . . .
ShellMel Glad you think it has witty humour, that's the type me and just bob like best. Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarseregedhelthalion's name does actually mean something, something very long. You can thank JB for both Gaurbrith's and Lord K's names. But turning Gaurbrith into something unnatural does sound like a lot of fun lol. :D Hope you liked this chapter just as much.
Puddin Pie: That's the idea. Yeah some of Legolas' lines were kinda stupid, but I've still got to love him.
Fool SupPorT JB came with Lord K when we were flicking through the back of the Sil. coming up with weird names, (which is where Gaurbrith comes from as well). JB is the only person who can pronounce Lord K's name, and it's scary how well he can say it. We will continue and finish this chapter if it's the last thing we do, I can promise you that.
