Last time Malaketh forced Stormy to punish two Shadow Riders for running away from The Phantom Renegade. This didn't go so well for Stormy, for she was currently suffering from a compassion inducing aliment called Humane Syndrome. Stormy carried out the punishment, but not before being slapped several times by Salamei, while Darcy had her nose broken by Xallos. Later on Icy, Darcy, Stormy and Toro conspired with Trabon to kill Malaketh, Salamei and Xallos in order to get away from The Shadow Riders. Meanwhile, the next stone was located on Solaria. On with the show!
Chapter 31: No Need For Perverts
"It's so bright here," said Akane as she exited The Night Rider and stepped onto Solaria, "I can barely see anything." She held her hand in front of her face to block out the intense sunlight, yet it did little good. Ranma and the other martial artists were in similar condition from the glare of the sun.
"You think you're in a tough spot," said Carmen as she applied large amounts of sunscreen to her skin, "I'm a creature of the night, yet they say it never gets dark here." "At least it isn't a hot day here," said Elise, "Thank the gods for small favors."
Stella, meanwhile, had just emerged from The Night Rider and was enjoying the intense light of her home planet. She body seemed to be radiating from all the sunlight. "It's so good to be home," said Stella joyfully, "I mean, it's nice and all hopping around the galaxy, but it just feels right to be back on one's place of birth."
"It may feel right for you," said Ranma, "But I don't know how we'll find that stone if we can't see anything." "Welcome to my world," said Mousse.
"Simple solutions to simple problems," said Morgan, "That's what my parents told me." She then conjured several pairs of wrap-around sunglasses for Ranma and the martial artists. "Much better," said Akane.
Fifteen minutes later our heroes had arrived at Stella's home; the huge Royal Palace of Solaria. "Who'd of thought we'd ever come back here, Lucinda," said Beauregard, "I'd thought we'd left this place for good." "So did I," said Lucinda, "Yet here we are."
"I am so looking forward to a hot bath," said Stella, "Living on a starship can get so confiding and somewhat smelly. After getting cleaned up, I'll have a huge feast prepared for us for our efforts of the past few weeks."
"Pleasure later," said Elise as she scanned the area with her PDA, "First thing's first; we find that stone." Her PDA then began to chirp as it locked in on the stone. "It's this way," said Elise. Everyone followed her as she followed the signal.
The source of the signal was behind a large metal door on the second floor of the left wing of the palace. "What is this?" asked Musa, "The family vault?" "No," said Stella as she entered a combination into a keypad next to the door, "This is my vault. The family vault is in the basement. This is where I keep a few valuables of mine."
She finished entering the combination and the door clicked open. Inside was the equivalent of a large walk-in closet, filled with rows upon rows of glittering jewelry, precious gems and various gold, silver and platinum items. "A 'few' valuables?" asked Akane.
"This is all yours?" asked Bloom as she held a large ruby up to the light. "They're mostly birthday presents," said Stella, "Some were from admirers and potential suitors. But that was before I met Brandon here." "And I thought my family was well connected," said Layla as she eyed a long strand of pearls.
Elise, Tecna and Timmy weren't interested in all the precious gems and other items. Elise's PDA was chirping rapidly now as she headed to the far end of the vault. Nestled between a row of emeralds and several diamond necklaces was a yellow colored stone about the size of a human fist.
"I completely forgot I had that," said Stella, "My mom got it for me during a jewelry show when I was 9. The vender said it was a good luck charm. I just thought it was pretty." "Well this time I mean it," said Bloom as she picked up the yellow Stone of Power, "this makes three."
"You realize," said Tenchi as our heroes headed downstairs for a 'snack,' while Stella headed for her hot bath, "That it's only a matter of time before The Shadow Riders come here for that stone." "We know," said Riven, "So what's the plan?"
"We might just have a chance to stop them," said Bloom, "We have the stone, they're going to come looking for it. So why not set a trap for whoever comes looking for it?" "Sound like plan to Shampoo," said the purple haired Amazon.
"What if The Phantom Renegade shows up?" asked Flora, "What do we do if he comes for the stone?" "Then we catch him as well," said Carmen, "And we solve one of the great mysteries of the universe: 'Who is the man behind the mask of The Phantom Renegade?'"
"You don't want to solve mysteries of the universe," said Musa, "You just want to rule it." "Not all witches are bent of universal domination," said Morgan, "We're not all like Icy, Darcy and Stormy."
"It's true that a lot of us are ambitious," said Carmen, "I have ambitions of my own, but I don't want to rule the whole f#ck$ng universe, it's too big for one person to rule. I just want one corner of the cosmos to call my own." "Don't we all?" said Elise.
After two hours of deliberating, our heroes had the beginnings of a plan. "We keep the stone here in the palace for now," said Bloom, "And let the enemy come to us. We force The Shadow Riders into an area of the palace where they can be easily surrounded. We seal the exits to that room and hit them with stun spells and stun-blasters."
"Nice plan," said Ranma sarcastically, "It's so dumb, it's sure to work." "That's just the outline," said Bloom, "Wait until I get into the details." Just then they heard water running through pipes in the walls. "Sounds like Stella's finished her bath," said Flora. "About time I say," said Morgan, "Any more soaking and she'll be a pruned princess."
"Putting pruned princesses aside," said Carmen, "I have an idea of mine that we could use should the enemy show up." She then whispered something into Bloom's ear. "You really think that could work?" asked Bloom.
"It's a one-shot plan," said Carmen, "But if the circumstances were correct it would most certainly work."
Just then Bloom and the others heard a loud shriek coming Stella's room. They rushed up stairs to find Stella's room in a shambles. "What happened?" asked Bloom, "Did someone tear your room apart looking for the stones?"
"Forget the stones!" exclaimed Stella who was wearing a yellow bathrobe, "Someone's stole all my underwear!" "What!" laughed Morgan, her amusement at the situation nearly out of control. "Don't laugh at me, Morgan!" snapped Stella, "This is a serious situation! What sick, twisted pervert would do this to me?"
"I think I might know who did this," said Akane, "But it's impossible. It just can't be true. How can he be here?" "I don't know," said Ranma, "But there's one sure way to know for sure if he is here. Everyone who is of the female of the species, check your clothing supplies, see if there's anything missing."
To Bloom's shock and disgust, someone had taken all the women's underwear from the palace. In fact, reports were coming in from all over the kingdom of thefts of women's underwear. "There's no doubt about it," said Ranma, "Happosai is here on Solaria."
"You mean Happosai of the Anything Goes Martial Arts style?" asked Tenchi, "That Happosai?" "Do you know any other?" asked Ryoga.
"Who's Happosai?" asked Sky. "He's the worst, the most pathetic excuse for a human being to ever be born on Earth," said Ranma, "He's a self claimed martial arts master. He is a somewhat good fighter, considering he taught my dad and Akane's dad everything they know. In a nutshell Happosai is a pervert, a womanizer, a kleptomaniac and an insensitive, selfish bastard who wouldn't lift a finger to help someone unless there was something in it for him."
"I take it you don't like him," said Morgan. "No sh$t," said Ryoga, "If that little bastard is here, then we're in for one raw deal."
"Then there's no question about it," said Bloom, "We've got to find him and take back what's ours." "You said it, Bloom!" exclaimed Stella, "Nobody steals from me and gets away with it!"
"It may be more difficult than you think," said Akane, "Happosai maybe a disgusting old pervert, but he's rather hard to catch."
"If I know that little creep," said Ranma, "He's in the city proper, jumping from rooftop to rooftop, with a sack full of stolen women's underwear and shouting 'What a haul! What a haul!'"
"I've got an idea," said Elise, "Just give me one hour and I'll catch the pervert." "How?" asked Flora. "Just trust me," said Elise, "I'll have that depraved midget contained in an hour." With that she exited the room and headed out of the palace.
Meanwhile outside, Icy, Darcy, Stormy and Toro were listening in on Bloom and co. "Did you hear that?" asked Toro, his face turning red with rage. "I heard it," said Icy, "The stone is in a vault and they're setting a trap for us."
"F#ck the stone!" exclaimed Toro, "I'm talking about after that Stella girl screamed." "Oh yeah," said Stormy, "It's such a shame that Bloom and her pixy friends had their underwear stolen."
"He's talking about Happosai," said Darcy. "Thank you," said Toro, "That's what I'm talking about. My idiot godfather is here in this planet. I don't know how he got here and I don't care how. All that matters is that I now have the chance to force him to officially change my name."
"True," said Icy, "But first we have to find the little bastard." "Not really," said Darcy, "Why should we get all worked up when there's several loser pixies and three Wicca wanabees already ready to do the job for us?"
"Not to mention the transvestite and his pathetic friends," said Toro, "I get where you're going, let the enemy look for us."
Just then Icy's cell phone rang, it was Malaketh on the line. "What progresses have you younglings made in finding the stone?" asked the leader of The Shadow Riders.
"We know where the stone is," said Icy, "We're working on a plan to get it right now." That last part was a lie, but Icy didn't care, what Malaketh didn't know couldn't hurt her.
Suddenly, Toro grabbed Icy's phone. "The stone can wait, Master," said Toro, "Something more important has come up: Happosai is on Solaria."
There was a minute of silence on the other end of the line before Malaketh spoke again, "I'll be right over, so don't move. I've got a score to settle with that treacherous shrimp of a man." With that the line disconnected.
"Now what?" asked Stormy. "For now," said Icy, "We keep up the illusion that we're good little Shadow Riders. We wait."
"I hate waiting," spat Stormy. "You hate everything," said Darcy.
35 minutes later…
Elise was true to her word, she returned with the stolen underwear in one hand, and an unconscious Happosai in the other. Happosai was a very short old man. He was nearly bald with white hair and a white moustache. He wore a brown martial arts outfit.
"Who would have thought that such a short, elderly person would be the source of so much trouble," said Elise as she tossed Happosai into the middle of the room. "Unreal!" exclaimed Akane, "You caught him."
"And you returned what was taken from us!" exclaimed Stella, "Thanks, Elise!" She rushed to hug Elise, who then pulled away, "I appreciate your gratitude, Stella" said Elise, "Just don't touch me."
"How did you do it?" asked Ranma anxiously, "How did you catch him?"
"It was easier than I thought it would be," said Elise, "I used my PDA to scan the city for short, elderly people who were jumping from building to building. I then teleported directly in front of his path and got his attention."
"And how did you do that?" asked Tecna. "I simply unbuttoned my shirt," said Elise, "And exposed my chest for him to see. Being the disgusting pervert Happosai is, he couldn't resist the appearance of uncovered breasts. He reached for my chest, and I simply stunned the bastard."
"You flashed him?" asked an appalled Carmen, "Have you no shame? Have you no dignity as a woman?" "I did what was necessary," said Elise, "You should show some appreciation."
"I appreciate what you did," said Morgan, "I would have done the same thing." "Same here," said Stella, "Way to take one for the team!" "These people have no shame," said Carmen. "I know," said Akane, "It's revolting."
"Oh, you wouldn't have done the same thing to catch the slimy creep?" asked Morgan. "Hell yeah, I would have done something different!" said Carmen, "I have dignity!"
"Forgive me for interrupting this debate on morality," said Tatewaki, "But what shall we do yond pervert?" he pointed at the still unmoving form of Happosai. "Yeah, Stella," said Shampoo, "What we do with Happosai person?"
"Why are you asking me?" asked Stella. "Well it's your planet," said Ranma. "True," said Tecna, "With your parents away, you are the head of authority for Solaria, so the decision is yours."
Realizing that she was asked to make a serious decision, Stella needed a minute to think this over, more than a minute actually. "Okay," said Stella, "First thing, we lock up the pervert so he doesn't get away. Then, after he wakes up, we confront him with his crimes. Finally, we turn him over to The Galaxy Police and deport him back to Earth where he belongs."
"Why are you dumping him back on our planet?" asked Mousse, "Our world has suffered enough from the likes of him."
"Here's a better idea," said Ranma, "Toss him out the airlock into the vacuum of space." "Sounds like a good idea to me," said Ryoga.
"Well whatever you're gonna do," said Brandon, "Better do it fast, he's starting to wake up." Indeed the small form of Happosai was starting to come around.
"It's my turn for an idea," said Morgan as she reached into her purse. She pulled out four clear crystals and placed them around Happosai to form an 8-foot square. "I've been wanting to try out this Old Tongue spell for a while," said Morgan, "Seoshi Zansa!" The crystals flashed bright blue and a pale blue energy field formed around Happosai, the energy coming from the crystals forming the base of the barrier.
Seconds later Happosai woke up. He stood up and looked around, unconcerned that several angry young women surrounded him. He then noticed Ranma and smiled, "Ranma, my boy," said Happosai, "I didn't know you were here. How nice to see you again." He then saw Akane, his smile brightened, "And there's Dear Akane Tendo, I've missed you as well."
"I'm not your boy," said Ranma in a very serious tone, "You've really done it this time, old man." "It's not enough that you steal women's underwear from Earth," said Akane, "Now you're doing it on other planets? What's wrong with you?"
"And just how did you get here in the first place?" asked Ukyo, "And please don't say that you hitched a ride." "Well I'm sorry," said Happosai, "But that's just what I did. I hitched a ride on a UFO."
"Well you're going back to Earth alright," said Bloom, "You're going back in a padded cell." "I don't think so," said Happosai, "You see, I happen to like it out here among the stars, so many opportunities and so many beautiful women, yet so little time to see it all."
"Well your days of stealing women's underwear are over," said Ranma, "The second we get you back on Earth, we're locking you up for good."
"You are so naive, Ranma," said Happosai, "But I've come to realize that's it futile to argue with you. Since I've worn out my welcome on this planet, I'll just hitch a ride and be on my way."
He started for the door, but bumped into the barrier, apparently he didn't even know it was there. "What is this!" exclaimed Happosai as he ran his hands over the force field, "What have you done to me?"
"I haven't done anything personally to your tiny body," taunted Morgan, "This is just a energy barrier to keep you in place until The Galaxy Police show up."
"You think this 'barrier' as you call it," glared Happosai, "You think it can keep me imprisoned?"
"Yes," said Morgan, "It can. Oh, a word of advice before I call the authorities to send you back to where you belong, well two bits of advice actually: first, never steal from a witch, especially her undergarments. Second, never give a witch cause for revenge, it may be the last thing you do."
"You may have captured me," said Happosai as he pulled something out from his back pocket, something that turned out to be a round bomb with a short fuse, "But there's no situation I can't get out of," he pulled out a lighter and prepared to light the bomb.
"I wouldn't do that," said Morgan calmly while everyone else quickly backed away from the two arguing people, "You might just regret that."
"We'll see about that," said Happosai as he lit the bomb, "Happo Fire Burst!" he threw the bomb at the force field, which promptly bounced off the energy barrier and landed at his feet. The bomb then exploded.
"Good goods!" exclaimed Sky. The interior of the force field was covered in smoke. It gradually cleared to reveal a smoke covered Happosai, apparently unharmed. "He's definitely tough for such a small person," said Morgan.
"You dirty whore!" spat Happosai, "You'll live to regret this!" "That's what they all say," said Morgan, "So just sit tight and wait for The Galaxy Police to drag your tiny ass back to where you belong."
Yet things don't always turn out the way we want them. Just as Bloom thought the matter with Happosai was resolved, there was a sudden crash as something burst threw a nearby window. She saw it was a pulsating red crystal. "Cover your eyes!" exclaimed Bloom as she realized what the crystal was to do; yet it was too late. The crystal exploded in a bright flash and a loud bang, incapacitating everyone in the room.
As Bloom's sight and hearing slowly recovered, she saw to her horror Icy, Darcy, Stormy, Toro and Malaketh gloating over Happosai, while everyone else was feeling the effects of the stunning crystal. "Remember me, Happosai?" glared Malaketh, "You should remember me, we have unfinished business to attend to."
The end of chapter 31. Next chapter, well, you'll just have to read it to believe what happens next. Reviews will be rewarded with cake and pie. See you next time!
