A Final Session

Chapter Three

Jims' dark blue shirt clung to his back as he tried to peel himself away from the back of the passenger seat of the car. Karen glanced over to him from the drivers seat before she swung the sedan out into the stream of late afternoon traffic.

They hadn't gotten much from the wife and Karen was glad to be out of the hospital. It wasn't that she didn't like them. She hadn't had much experience of being in one personally but she hated the way the tension radiated from her partner every time they had to go to one to interview somebody. Today was even worse only she wasn't sure why. It was the first time she had ever been to Lenox, usually the people they wanted to talk to ended up in Belleview or St Clare's, but not today. Today, because it was hot, sods law had made them drive that bit further to Lenox.

She had done most of the talking with the wife to build up a picture of the relationship she had with her husband and although Jim pitched in every now and then he seemed distracted, antsy almost. As soon as she ventured a "are we done?" in his direction he had almost sprinted out of the room.

As the cars air con kicked in and made the vehicles interior semi inhabitable Karen took the plunge.

"What's up?" she asked , trying the keep her tone light.

"I'm fine"

"I'm gonna get that etched on your tombstone you know." She raised her eyebrows at him knowing the gesture was wasted but doing it anyway.

"I don't like hospitals." He said flatly.

"No one does Jim and I have noticed they aren't your favorite place but to be honest you were useless in there. Could you have looked more like you wanted to leave?"

Jim looked taken a back for a moment. He thought about what she had just said. She was right he had done nothing of what he had gone to do, leaving it all to his partner just because he couldn't drag himself away from the thoughts in his head for half an hour and get his damn job done. She deserved an explanation and he knew it but what could he say, how could he explain without exposing too much of himself? Suddenly something occurred to him. The world probably wouldn't end if he opened up to his partner one tiny little bit. And he did trust her, didn't he?

"We've never even been there before.. " she continued, her tone exasperated.

"I have." Jim interrupted calmly. "And going back reminded me of feeling …" he held his finger tips to his mouth as he struggled for the right word "…being…. scared."

Karen swallowed. How could she be so stupid? She really was as tactless as her mother always told her she was. She frantically searched for something to say but was surprised into silence as Jim carried on.

"Elise Robsons door was wedged open, right?"

"Yeah, " Karen replied.

Leaning back on the head rest, the backs of his fingers brushing the grill of the closest air vent, Jim continued.

"That's the nurses, they like patients to keep their doors open, so you don't feel so isolated. It's probably a good idea but at night it's too quiet and you hear every little thing. It keeps you awake. I remember one night, it was late, Christie was holding my hand. It was real quiet and then all I could hear were monitors and someone right by me calling the crash code and I remember thinking "this is it". I'm gonna die and everyone else in that corridor with their doors wedged open is gonna hear me die."

"Jim I …" Karen's mouth was dry with the shock of such an outburst from her usually guarded partner.

"Hey Karen", he laughed, breaking the heavy atmosphere "I didn't die, obviously. Cascading hemorrhage. They sorted it."

"How can you just laugh?" She questioned. "It's not funny"

"No Karen, it's not funny, like most things people laugh about." He replied, shaking his head, a smile still ghosting his lips. "Come on!"

When he sensed she wasn't going to lighten up anytime soon Jim figured he might as well go the whole hog and really wind her up.

"Look Karen", he started his tone as serious as she's ever heard it. "you should know something, that bullet, it didn't just mess with my eyes. It kinda did something that screwed with my judgement a little, you know, laughing at inappropriate things. I can't help it so if I offended you I …." He trailed off, looking down at his hands, eyes guarded by his dark glasses.

"Shit, Jimmy, I uh … I didn't realize. You just seem so normal you know apart from the seeing thing?" She stopped abruptly when she saw his face crease into a smile that swiftly turned into a grin and a throaty laugh.

"You bastard!" She exclaimed. "Don't you speak to me for the next half hour!" She ordered.

"You are so easy." He spluttered. "You're getting easier than Tom and that's saying something."

Silence descended in the car for a little while.

"Is my half hour up yet?" Jim teased.

"Look, that thing you said about being in Lenox well, jesus Jimmy, you don't share very often but when you do …" Karen huffed, shaking her head as she wriggled a little in her clammy shirt.

"Yeah, well we've been partners for a year. Maybe I can share a little now and then, and you did deserve a good explanation for me not pulling my weight back there"

"Forget about it. You want a ride home?"

"Nah, can you drop me at Christies office? We got a therapy session so that should put a stop to my sharing mood". He said grimly.


A short time later Jim and Christie Dunbar sat in Dr Bergens office on the huge couch that seemed to take over most of the room. That couch had seen everything. Jim and Christie at opposite ends, Christie on her own when Jim failed to turn up, Jim tense and Christie staunching tears with stacks of tissues and once, in an uncharacteristic revenge attack from Christie, Jim on his own when Christie failed to turn up.

Each time they talked. In the earlier days the talk had been stilted, hard to get started and Jim knew that was his fault. He hated to talk. It made his insides squirm at the prospect of revealing too much about himself, other people knowing what made him tick.

He knew it was a hangover from his childhood, when his father used every bit of knowledge about him to humiliate and bully him. Jim was happier with actions than words. He knew his father would use words to hurt him wherever and whenever he wanted but he also knew that his father would be careful to restrain his actions if they weren't safely hidden within the four walls of their home. He'd call Jimmy useless outside in front of his school friends but he'd beat him in private and in an odd way Jim had been happier with that. He could deal with that because there were never any witnesses to make him feel ashamed.

Knowing why he hated to talk didn't help him though because his common sense told him that if he didn't talk to his wife he would loose her and he desperately did not want that to happen. So for her and for himself he talked and things got better, a little at first and now after nearly a year of therapy they were a lot better.

Something was still on Jims mind though and it bothered him that Christie never brought it up with Dr Bergen and rarely brought it up with him. He knew what he had to do, for the sake of his marriage, and although the thought of broaching this particular subject made him squirm he was going to do it.

"Jim? Are you still with us?" Dr Bergen enquired gently. "I was just saying to Christie that I feel you're ready to reduce your sessions to once every couple of months but you can come back earlier if you feel like it. Judging by the look on your face I feel like you're not quite in agreement."

"No I … Well yeah, we are getting so much better at talking and listening and just being together. All the things we needed but I .. I need to talk about something else and I know Christie won't bring it up but I don't know why, but I know it matters …" he was aware that he was babbling and he wasn't used to it. He desperately needed to resume control over his mouth.

"Take a breath Jim and take your time." Dr Bergen soothed.

"It's not Christie, it's me, I er .." He swallowed hard.

"Yes?"

"Jim, really this doesn't .. " Christie started to say something but Dr Bergen held up a hand for her to stop.

"Jim" Dr Bergen encouraged.

"I hit someone at work yesterday. Another Detective" he managed.

"Jim!" Christie gasped.

Ignoring her he continued.

"We had a call to a strip club and this guy thought I couldn't hear him. He said me being in there musta been like a 'diabetic being in a candy store' on account of me being 'handicapped'. It seemed to be a given to him that the handicapped can't get laid."

"So you hit him." Dr Bergen reiterated. "Why did you hit him Jim?" she probed.

His mouth turned down at the corners and he shook his head slightly before he continued.

"I told my partner it was because he was being offensive about her but it wasn't."

"Why then?"

"Jimmy!" Christie tried to interrupt.

He leaned forwards on the couch his elbows resting on his knees, hands clasped in front of his mouth. "I hit him because what he said was true, for me anyway, it is true."

Christie closed her eyes and sighed inwardly. Turning to face his wife Jim carried on.

"I know you would never have said anything Christie but it matters, it does matter and I can't keep letting you down, I just … I just .. I can't! It has been such a long time now!"

He finished, sounding utterly defeated.

Dr Bergen was quiet for a moment as she observed the couple in front of her. This was an interesting test she thought. Their old pattern of behavior would have been to shift away from each other. He would do it first and she would follow suit. Esther waited and watched. She could see Jims' immense internal conflict as every fiber of his being screamed at him to retreat into himself. Her own tension rose as for a split second it looked as though all the work they had put in over the last year was going to be lost but then at what seemed like the last minute and with enormous effort Jim reached out for Christies hand and she leaned into him putting her other hand protectively on the back of his neck, quickly kissing his temple.

"Jim, have you thought about what you have been through over the past two years?" Dr Bergen asked carefully.

"Of course I have." He said quietly his head bowed.

"OK. Do you think it has been a lot or a little?"

"What do you mean?" He looked confused.

"Have you been through a lot or a little? It's a simple question."

"A lot I guess." Jim replied

"And to go through a lot takes time doesn't it?"

"Yes."

"Based on that knowledge I want you to start by letting go of the idea that it has been, what did you say, 'such a long time' since you had sex. Let go of the idea that you are in the wrong because it has been so long. You both had problems in your marriage, you Jim, were then shot and hospitalized for two months. If I remember your notes correctly you were then treated for severe depression and PTSD for several months after your release from hospital. At the same time you've been in rehab, gotten on top of your depression, returned to work and then faced the problems in your emotional relationship with your wife. Now lets start on your physical relationship with your wife. It's the last hurdle Jim and there's nothing wrong in saving it until last. What would have been wrong would have been not mentioning it today and I'm very proud of you for bringing it up."

Christie looked at Jim and realizing he was too upset to speak she turned to Dr Bergen.

"Where do we start with this then?"

"Well Christie you can start by telling me why Jim says you would never have mentioned this to me?"

"I know how private he is and I thought it would be the last thing he'd bring up. And in a way I wanted to protect him I suppose. I have faith in him Esther, in us, and I know we'll get it back together. I thought it would just take time and it would sort its self out."

"That's because you don't know what the problem is. Only Jim does."

"I do?" He asked.

"Yes Jim, we just haven't uncovered it yet. Tell me, where do you want your physical relationship to be? Christie?"

"I want it to be how it was before Jim had the affair."

"Jim?"

"Yeah. That's what I want too."

"Christie, I know we have talked about Jims affair in great depth and you've reached a point where it no longer dominates or even figures in your feelings toward your marriage but do you honestly have no hesitation about resuming your physical relationship with Jim?"

"I said it wasn't Christie and it isn't. She's perfect. She always tries I just …" Jim fizzled out.

"Christie?"

"Jim's right. I've moved on and I've forgiven him and myself for the mess we both created back then. I love my husband Esther and I want him, in every way but I'm not sure he wants me." She finished quietly.

"Christie, no, that's not it." Jim cried imploringly "I meant it when I said it wasn't you!"

"OK, hold on," Dr Bergen interrupted, "Who usually initiates sex?"

"Mostly me." Christie answered.

"Ok. Christie. Tell me what happens when you initiate sex." Dr Bergen asked in a matter of fact tone.

Christies face flushed. "I can't, really I can't talk about it like this Esther."

"Christie. One of the things we established early on in our sessions was that you are married to one of the most taciturn people on the planet," Esther joked her tone then turning serious, "based on that knowledge how hard do you think it was for Jim to bring this up? This should give you an indication of how much he is committing to your relationship, how much he wants it to succeed. Repay that Christie. Help him. Talk."

Christie drew a deep breath. "Well, he always seems interested. We start and … then, I don't know.. something always happens."

"Like?"

"Well, the passion just sort of dies and then the phone rings and he has to get it or his pager, the dog needs to go out and he has an excuse to stop. I don't know. A million little things. Sometimes nothing happens but he stops anyway. He's always considerate uh …"Christie fumbled with her words, "He always makes sure I'm happy but I want us both to er … you know?" Christie frowned over to Dr Bergen.

"Jim, do you ever initiate sex?"

"Sometimes, yeah, but it still goes the way Christie just said." Jim replied, his voice quiet as he bit his lower lip.

"So the initial desire is there on both your parts but something is throwing a hurdle in your way. That's good. You both want the same thing. You just need to see how to get it. Jim can you verbalise your thought process during these moments?"

"Not that I could repeat in present company." Jim joked, hoping to deflect the question.

"Look" Esther glanced at her watch, "I'll hold off filing your notes for the moment and if it's convenient we could resume this at the same time next week. I want you both to understand that people have a lot of white noise going on in their heads, a lot of subliminal thoughts flitting around without us even registering them on a conscious level. If the opportunity arises Jim I want you to see if you can pinpoint some of these thoughts that occur when you try to have sex and Christie I want you to see if you can notice a catalyst for the point where things cool off. OK?" She looked expectantly at the couple on her couch. "Good. I'll see you both next week."

Jim swallowed. He could hear the smile in Dr Bergens voice.


"What do you think that meant?" Jim asked Christie as they walked back into the apartment, Jim dropping his keys on the desk as he bent down to unbuckle Hanks harness.

"What?" She replied as she reached into the fridge for a glass of wine for herself and a beer for Jim.

"That ominous parting shot from Esther. You know about me pinpointing thoughts I don't know I'm having?" He smiled nervously.

"I dread to think. I swear Jim I can't talk to her about our sex life again. She looks like a cross between someones grandmother and my old kindergarten teacher." She laughed.

Jim moved into the kitchen behind Christie and reached down to grab Hanks bowl. Filling it from the box of dog biscuits from one of the low cupboards he asked Christie,

"Are you mad at me for bringing it up?"

"No. But you could have warned me." She said simply.

"Christie. I couldn't I … It took all my courage to say it out loud once. I couldn't have had a run through first with you." Jim gave a short laugh figuring joking about it would fool Christie into not hearing the unhappiness in his voice.

Either the dry laugh had worked or more likely Christie just understood his need to leave the subject alone for now but she wrapped her arms around him and kissed him hard on his cheek, her fingertips brushing the faint scar on his temple.

As she moved away, talking about ordering in pizza, Jim hoped he had masked his expression adequately so she wouldn't have seen the shudder that threatened to cloud his face when her fingers found the scar. She often grazed it with a touch, a caring caress and it didn't hurt at all but each time she did it it made Jim feel like he was going to be sick.

"Hey, pizza boy. Where were you?" She laughed at him.

"Sorry, just thinking." He replied.

"I know. About what?"

"What do you think? Pizza topping. I'm having extra anchovies and olives."

"That's still disgusting even after all these years". She laughed, wrinkling her nose, just as he knew she would be.