A Final Session

Chapter Six

Jim stood under the cool shower, each of his palms flat against either side of the tiled wall his head dropped forwards to channel the jets of drumming water onto the back of his neck. This felt good he thought as he desperately tried to simultaneously wake himself up and cool himself down. A new day and no cooler he mused. He had slept well but it had been one of those deep sleeps that always left him feeling exhausted when he woke. He had been tired when he and Christie went to bed, probably because of the psychological beating he had taken in Dr Bergen's office. She had aimed for him like an excorcet missile but to be fair he had put himself in the firing line. At the end of the session Dr Bergen was pleased and said that they had really progressed. It didn't feel like it to him. He just felt wiped out. Christie seemed ok though. She'd even commented on the ride home that she thought they'd done well. That was probably because she'd not had to do much talking. She seemed tense though and he couldn't figure out if she was upset or .. or.. well, he couldn't figure out what she felt about what had happened and he didn't have the strength to ask.

Jim had tensed up as soon as they sat on the oversized couch. He felt like he used to at school when he hadn't done his homework. He held Christies hand for moral support. She must have felt his tension because she gave his hand a quick squeeze signalling her understanding. Jim wished he were somewhere else. He was too hot, had a mild headache coming on and his knee still throbbed from the whack it had taken on the locker.

"Right!" Exclaimed an overly cheery Dr Bergen, making Jim jump. He hadn't heard her come in. He must be really tired not to have noticed her he thought.

"Where did we leave off last week," she mused, more to herself than to Jim or Christie. Jim could hear her rifling through papers. "Yes, that's it. We were going to see if we had any thoughts on what was happening during your 'physical time' together. Did either of you have any thoughts on this since our last meeting?"

Christie cleared her throat and Jim shifted uncomfortably on the warm, squeaky leather of the couch.

"Christie, lets start with you. Since last week have you and Jim connected physically. I don't mean sex just general day to day physical contact."

"Ah yes," Christie faltered, "We're usually quite tactile. Well, we didn't used to be but since Jim's been blind I always feel compelled to touch him whenever I can especially if we're talking. I like to stroke his hair, rub his back or even just put my hand on his arm."

"We never did that before, but I like it," Jim cut in, "I think I need Christie to do it, I never asked her, she just started it like she knew somehow. She's been amazing the way she's stuck by me through all of this."

Christie squeezed his hand again and carried on.

"And we cuddle a lot. We didn't do that much before either but we do now. We have two couches and god knows how many chairs but if we're just sat we always end up on the same couch." Christie laughed.

Good, thought Dr Bergen. Now they're relaxing a little we can really start. "OK, Christie. So have you and Jim tried to have sex since our last meeting?"

God this is so embarrassing Christie thought as she squeezed her eyes shut and took a breath. "Yes, we have." She muttered, her mouth dry.

"And?"

"It was.. It went the same way …you know." She almost snapped.

"And did you do as I asked and try to see if you could notice a catalyst? It doesn't matter if you couldn't but it may help."

"No I … it's not really what you're thinking about when you're just about to …" Christie stopped, at a loss for words.

"OK. Jim. Did you notice anything that might help us get to the bottom of this?"

"No I.. I wanted to and I tried but I couldn't. I can't even tell why. I mean it's so stupid!" He shrugged awkwardly, the guilt about putting Christie in such an uncomfortable situation starting to rise in him.

"What's stupid Jim?" Esther pressed on.

"This. It's so stupid. Here I am. I have a beautiful, perfect wife who loves me and wants me and I have to find some way to screw it up!" All Jims' anxiety about the session came to the surface as he struggled to keep his words under control. He wanted to resolve this but try as he might he really could not think what the problem was.

"I'm sorry, I.. It's been a long week." He smiled, holding his hands up a little, trying to get his feelings in check.

"Maybe we should take a few steps back …" Esther began saying but suddenly Christie interrupted her.

"You asked if the light was on." She said slowly. "Everything was ok and then you asked me if the light was on."

"What?" Jim said looking towards Christies end of the couch.

"Tell me what happened Christie?" Esther prompted eagerly.

"Everything was fine. We were kissing and everything was going fine. We both wanted to and then out of the blue Jim asked me to wait. Yes, that was it, he said 'wait' and then he said 'is the light on?' and that's when it all fell apart."

"Jim?" Esther prompted.

"I don't remember asking you that." Jim shook his head a little, concentrating hard to try to remember, his fingertips brushing his lower lip.

"You did. You definitely did." Christie affirmed.

"Why would it matter to you if the light was on or off Jim?" Esther continued. "Did you ask out if habit? Was it a preference before you were blind?"

"No. It never really mattered." Jim shook his head. "I can't remember saying …." He trailed off as a memory snapped back to the front of his mind. She had felt so good and he got that image of her in his head again. Beautiful, perfect Christie looking exactly as she had done the day they met.

"As you can't see Christie whether the light is on or off then do you think we might be safe to assume that you don't want her to be able see you?" Esther concluded.

Neither Jim nor Christie spoke so Dr Bergen continued.

"Jim do you know what the most common word you use when talking about your wife is?"

Jim shook his head, his lips forming a narrow line.

"Perfect. In fact we've been in here fifteen minutes and she's racked up a 'perfect,' 'amazing' and a 'beautiful'."

"He always talks like that." Christie interrupted.

"Do you think you're perfect Christie" Esther asked.

"God no!" Christie laughed, thankful for the break in tension.

"Neither do I." Esther stated. She carried on before either Jim or Christie could speak. "It must be hard Jim to stand next to someone so beautiful and perfect when you have such an obvious flaw." Esther's voice had a hard edge to it that took Christie by surprise. She was about to say something when Esther held her hand up to stop her.

"Don't you agree? Don't you wonder what other people think when they see you together? Maybe they're wondering what she's doing with you."

"Maybe they are." Jim nodded his voice hard and tense. "I don't care."

"You don't care? Of course you care Jim. Everyone cares about how they are perceived, even if they say they don't." Esther paused and then changed tack. "Do you know anything about any of Christies other partners before she met you?"

"A little." Jim was terse.

"Fill me in."

Jim let out a loud sigh, his cheeks puffing out a little. "From stuff her sisters told me she went for jocks, athletic types. Always blond."

"Real 'men's men' stuff hm? Alpha males" Esther noted.

"Yeah."

"And then you."

"And then me." He nodded, a caustic tone building in his voice.

"Blond, athletic. Cop. Another 'mans man'. Do you think you're a 'mans man' now Jim?"

"What? I don't… What?" Jim felt confused like the gist of the conversation was skittering from his grasp. He felt disoriented and panicky in the pit of his stomach. What was all this crap? He didn't think about what he had been once because there was no point. Why revisit the old Jim. The new one was fine, different but fine, a nicer guy even, not the usual for Christie but nicer.

"I just wondered what you think Christie sees now? What other women see when they look at you?"

"Other women don't look at me." He stated bluntly, shaking his head, the strength of his conviction stunning Christie.

"Don't they? They used to didn't they?" She didn't let him answer "Why wouldn't they be looking at you know Jim?"

He didn't say anything. This conversation had him tied up in knots. He needed control over it to stop it somehow or turn it around he just didn't know how. It was going the wrong way and he didn't want to talk about this anymore but she was relentless.

"Would Christie look at you now if she didn't know you?"

"Yes… No I .. " He almost shouted, "I don't …"

"Would you want her to look at you Jim? If you were meeting for the first time now would you want her to give herself to you for the rest of her life?"

He wanted to say yes, wanted to get back to feeling calmer and put an end to this line of questioning that Esther was on but before he could stop himself he said "No." Then louder " No." He swallowed hard but he couldn't stop himself losing the last thread of control he had left. Words finally spewed from his mouth, his voice raised and hoarse, "I wouldn't want her to.. to see me like this or even know me like this at all. I'd want her to have a real … a proper …Someone who can protect her, sleep with her, raise kids with her, even just tell her that her damn dress looks nice. A real …." Jim swallowed again the panic in his gut fizzing and rising dangerously.

"A real what Jim?" Esther left the words hanging in the air. "A real 'man'?" She finished.

That was it. Jim felt his blindness close in on him like it hadn't done since the first few days after waking in the hospital. He felt the isolation it brought keenly as he searched on the low table next to the couch for his glasses; they nearly fell to the floor as he groped clumsily for them. Once they were in his hand he snapped his fingers for Hank.

"We're done here right? We have to be done here. Christie?" He stated hoarsely as Hank shook himself, his tags rattling around his neck.

"Jim." Esther said gently placing her hand on his. He jumped involuntarily. Esther had never touched him before and the feel of her cool hand unnerved him.

"You know," He said, "one thing they should teach kids in school is not to just touch blind people. It's alarming, dangerous and disrespectful." He spat reciting one of the Lighthouse tips for the sighted interacting with the blind. As soon as he said it Jim regretted both the words and the tone he had taken with Esther. However she felt though, she didn't remove her hand.

"Jim, I can't let you go like this. Please just sit a while. No more talking." She rose and made her way over to her desk where she pressed an intercom on her phone. "Edward can we have a carafe of iced water and three glasses in here please?" She asked and then came to sit back down.

"You did well Jim. You may not feel it right now but you did really well. We've uncovered some pretty dark feelings you have buried in you and now we have them in our grasp we can work on sorting them out." She said gently. "I think you have an unrealistic image of Christie in your head that is too good for the image you have of yourself and it's stopping you from being with your wife." She turned to Christie. "How would you both feel about coming back tomorrow evening?"

The door to the office swung open and a young man entered carrying a tray with the water and glasses. He set the tray down on the low table by Jim, poured water into each glass and then left as Dr Bergen thanked him.

Esther continued "It may seem a little intense to have another session so soon but I think it would be a good idea in this case. If you don't feel up to it you can cancel."

"Jim?" Christie ventured leaning over him as she picked up of the glasses and touched it to the back of his hand.

"Ok" Jim nodded as he took the glass. He'd have agreed to anything if it would get him out of Esther's office.


He fell asleep in the car on the way home and Christie had to wake him once they reached the apartment. He didn't feel like eating but he knew Christie would worry if he skipped dinner so he agreed to another take out.

"Thai or Chinese?" Christie asked.

"Chinese." He replied.

By the time it had arrived he actually felt a little hungry and the two beers he had drunk had helped to ease his tension a little. They sat on the floor leaning against the red leather couch with the food spread on the low coffee table in front of them and as they ate they settled into a conversation more easy and comfortable than he had ever remembered them having.

By some unspoken agreement they didn't talk about what had happened at the session they just took time being with each other, eating, laughing, Christie holding his hand, Jim rubbing his hand in small circles at the bottom of her back. When they finally went to bed Jim lay, curled in Christies' arms, where he fell into a deep and heavy sleep.


The warm air of the bathroom shifted slightly but Jim had been so deep in thought he wasn't sure if Christie had just opened the door to enter or leave the room.

"Christie?"

"Who else would it be?" She laughed as she opened the shower door slightly to peek at her husband. "I'll be leaving in about ten if you want dropping off. It's a hot one again. The F train will be like a meat wagon!"

"Ok. Sold!" He smiled. "I'll be ready."

In ten minutes Jim was ready, dressed in dark blue suit pants and deep blue shirt, his blond hair still damp and mussed from the shower. He shrugged into his suit jacket as he patted his thigh for Hank. Bending to fasten Hanks harness he listened to Christie gathering together her purse and briefcase.

"I was thinking," Christie started, "That we could cancel Esther's appointment tonight."

Jim struggled with the harness as Hank, uncharacteristically, ducked out from under it. "Hank stay." Jim commanded before turning back to Christie. " Why?"

"I just thought you might want to."

"Do you want to cancel Christie? I know it was really bad and I really don't want to go over it again but I need to resolve this. I'm dreading it but I think we need to see this one through Chris." He looked down slightly as he spoke not knowing his eye line was a little off hers.

She nodded, her lips pressed together in a line. "I didn't want to cancel really but yesterday seemed really hard on you and I want you to be ok."

"I think I will be. If we see this through, I really think I will be." He said turning back to his dog, slipping the stiff harness over his back and fastening the buckles.

"Ok." She said lightly as she opened the apartment door.


As they pulled up outside the precinct Jim leaned over and kissed her.

"I have an off site meeting this afternoon so I'll see you at Esther's ok?" She smiled at him.

"OK. See you in front of the firing squad at 5.00." He joked as he stepped out of the car.

Christie watched him as he and Hank made their way toward the entrance to the precinct. He'd disappeared from view for a good minute or so before Christie managed to break her gaze. Blowing out a deep breath she leaned her head forward onto the steering wheel and closed her eyes. "This is so hard," she thought to herself, whilst, almost unnoticed, a tiny seed of self-doubt took route beneath the other thoughts in her head.