Where are you?
Chapter Five
I own nothing – Kripe owns them.
Dean sat on the edge of his bed and listened to the shower running. Bobby had given them a little room in the back of his house; again it seemed familiar to him, as if he had stayed here before, in another time and another situation. There were two beds and a large wardrobe, a TV that didn't work and more shelves of books. Dean sighed and toed off his boots; it was 4am in the morning and he still felt too wired, too full of adrenalin to sleep.
Sam emerged from the shower, a towel around his waist. His hair hung wet across his shoulders and Dean could see the faint scars on his chest and stomach. Sam looked up and gave Dean a half smile, drying himself quickly; he put on a pair of sweat pants and lay on his own bed. They were silent for a moment and Dean gazed out of the window at the fading moon. "How do you feel?"
"Better" Sam was lying stretched out on the bed, his long legs hanging off the end. Dean could see him fidget uncomfortably and try to find a comfortable position. Sam was huge, long legs and arms, big hands and feet. Even though it was obvious he had lost weight, he was still well muscled "How come - if you're the little brother – you're so fricking huge?"
Sam snorted and it was the nearest thing to a laugh that Dean had heard from him since they had 'met'. "Just good luck I guess" his voice was soft "And always eating my greens"
"Eating your greens!" Dean felt a smile forming on his own face. He rolled over so that he could look at Sam. This was his flesh and blood; his baby brother; someone he had known and cared for all his life. He desperately wanted to feel something, anything, for this man and his stomach flipped as he continued to stare, wanting nothing more than to make Sam smile or even laugh again "I guess we were close – once" it was a statement, not a question and he heard Sam's sharp intake of breath as his mind worked furiously
"We…We weren't always close" Sam's voice was gentle "I – when I was younger – 18 – I got a full ride to Stanford. Dad said if I went I should stay gone – we – you and I – we didn't talk for four years"
"Four years" Dean swallowed "What happened?"
"Dad went missing and you needed my help" Sam sighed and rolled over on to his own side – so that he could look back at Dean "I agreed to come with you for a weekend - and then went back to school"
"Is that when your girlfriend died?" Dean could see that it hurt Sam to talk about this, but he had to know
"Yeah – you rescued me – took care of me – but then you always did – always have" Sam swallowed "I miss that Dean – I wish you could remember"
"Why did you try to kill me Sam?" Dean was forced to ask the question and it hung between them in bitter silence. He closed his eyes so that he didn't have to look at Sam's face and he heard his brother's breathing quicken, heard the slight hitch and quaver in Sam's voice
"Before dad died – he – he told you something about me – I – he – he knew the demon had plans for me – he was afraid that I might turn evil – become something that I'm not" Sam paused for a moment "You – you tried to protect me – we – we tried everything – but it just didn't work"
"What happened Sam?" Two days ago Dean would have dismissed Sam's statements as drug induced rambling, but something was different, Dean couldn't remember any of this – but his mind was no longer questioning the truth – whatever Sam had done to Dean – he hadn't been in his right mind, Dean knew that now. He could tell, he just knew, that his brother, his baby, his Sammy was innately kind and gentle, there was something other worldly about him, he could see it, see that Sammy wasn't weak, in fact it was the opposite, Sammy was strong, Sammy knew his own mind "It's alright Sammy" Dean made his voice gentle and encouraging "Just tell me"
"I had to kill a girl – Madison – you won't remember that yet – but it affected me – more than I was aware. God, it was like a switch had been turned on in my brain – I didn't care anymore – I took the car – I got as far from you as possible" Sam's voice quivered and Dean opened his eyes to look into his brother's face. Sam was crying, Dean could see the tears streaming down his cheeks "It was like I was still me – but I had no conscious – I went out and got drunk – I took drugs – I – I picked up random women – I wanted to hurt – to kill" he rubbed a hand across his face "When you found me – you couldn't – you wouldn't keep your promise to me"
"Promise?" Dean wondered if he dare ask
"You promised me if I ever turned dark side you'd kill me" Sam gave him a faint and watery smile
"Yeah – well – I don't remember – but I can understand why I wouldn't kill you Sammy" Dean reached out a hand, stretching across the gap between the beds and holding on. He felt Sam trembling and he gripped harder "Come on Sammy – I understand"
"I laughed in your face" Sam clutched the hand in his "I picked you up – god knows where I got the strength from – and I threw you into the road – the car hit you and I laughed – but it wasn't me – you know that – right?"
"Yeah – I know"
"I was convinced you were dead. I ran away and it was – it was as if that switch inside me was turned off – I came back to myself – but it was too late"
"Sammy – I'm not dead – I'm here – its ok"
"You don't remember me" Sam sniffed and rubbed his free hand across his nose "And I've taken away your life"
"I may not remember you Sammy – but I know that you're my brother" Dean swallowed "Come on man – don't do this – you didn't know – it's not your fault"
"I couldn't go on – I just carried on drinking, smoking whatever I could lay my hands on – I slept on the streets – I begged for money – got stuff off people I barely knew. I guess I didn't have the courage to put a gun to my head –so I thought I'd kill myself slowly – you know – I didn't know where I was or what I was doing – I'm sorry I didn't come for you Dean – I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you" his voice trailed off and there was a long silence. Dean let his hand squeeze Sam's for a moment and then let go
"It's alright Sam" he kept his voice soft and gentle "It's alright – look – we need to sleep – you need to sleep" he smiled "Close your eyes bro – things always look better in the morning"
"You always used to say that to me Dean" Sam's voice was faint but Dean could hear that he was smiling "When we were younger – when you cared for me – and – you know what?"
"What?" Dean smothered a yawn – his mind falling away
"You were right"
TBC
