Where are you?
Chapter Fifteen
The Impala rumbles beneath him; the sky above him blue and cloudless. Rock music pounds out of the speakers and Dean winds down his window and lets the warm breeze play across his face.
He glances across at Sam. His brother is awake, his own face turned to the sun. Sam looks a little better; he has his bridge and his teeth are white and even again. The bruising on his face is almost gone, but his skin is still too pale, his body too thin. Sam still shakes and Dean can see his fingers struggle with the medication bottle that the hospital gave him
"Want a hand with that?" his voice is careful, calm. Sam is like a bomb, likely to go off at any moment; he is fragile, delicate, lacking in the strength and resolve that Dean related to Sam.
"I'm good" Sam half smiled and ran his tongue across his teeth; a habit he seemed to have gotten into since the insertion of his bridge "Dean – where are we going?"
"We're going on a road trip Sam" Dean narrowed his eyes, looking for his turn off
"We shouldn't…" Sam turned to look at him, his voice hesitant "We shouldn't be hunting Dean"
"We're not hunting Sam" Dean slowed the car a little, his fingers deftly turning down the music "We're on a road trip"
"Oh" Sam seemed at a loss for words and Dean frowned as his brother turned his attention back to the open road.
Maybe this wasn't such a good idea; so far their attempts at rehabilitation had ended in total and abject failure and that was with professional help. Dean sighed; taking Sam out of hospital and on the road might not have been one of his brightest ideas, but it was all he had left. Both of them were broken now – and it was up to Dean to try and glue the jagged pieces together and hope that he could make everything fit.
The motel was smart; a bit cleaner; a bit more expensive than they were used too. The carpets were clean and the beds were freshly made. There was a welcome pack of candy and fruit on the table and the air conditioning worked. Sam flopped down on one of the beds and took another pill. So far the medication seemed to be controlling the shakes and the withdrawal, but Dean knew that his brother still had a long way to go. He sat down on his own bed and faced Sam "Have you ever actually been to Florida before?"
"No" Sam lay back, his head on the pillow, his eyes closed "Never" he stayed silent for a moment and then opened one eye and looked at Dean "Why are we here now?"
"I thought it might be a good place for – well – to recover" Dean swallowed, wondering what had possessed him to think that this might be a good idea "Have a little vacation"
"Did you give up on Amsterdam then?" Dean saw the slight smile dimple Sam's cheeks and he grinned back
"Didn't fancy flying – and anyway – Europe's pretty cold and rainy right now – we need sunshine –so what better than the sunshine state?"
"Does it still hurt you?" Sam's question was sudden and unexpected "To remember?"
Dean stared hard at his brother; now was not the time for secrets or lies; hell there had been enough of those in their lives and he didn't want to go down that road again "Sometimes" he leant forward and put a hand on Sam's wrist, a gesture of comfort, something he knew his 'old' self would never have done "But – not as much – I'm just finding it hard – you know – to reconcile the 'old' me with the 'new' me"
"I'm not much help" Sam stated "I never meant to go down this road Dean – I'm sorry"
"Don't keep blaming yourself" Dean felt anger rise but forced it down, Sam had enough issues without this one "This wouldn't have happened at all if I had kept my promise"
"To shoot me" Sam's voice shook
"Yeah – because if I'd have done that – well I wouldn't have ended up under a fucking car with no memory and you – you wouldn't be a drug addicted alcoholic – everything would have been just peachy"
"Dean" he heard his brother's voice hitch and he gripped Sam's wrist tighter
"God damn it Sam – what do you think I would prefer? Having things how they were – having all my memories intact – being the 'old' Dean Winchester – hunting demons – fucking waitresses – but not having you! Sam – god – Sammy – I'd rather die than lose you – ok – so we are both fucked up – but at least we are fucked up together"
"Shit" Sam's voice broke and he buried his head in his shaking hands, sobs coming easily "Oh shit"
"Sshhh" Dean leant forward and drew his brother into his arms "its ok Sammy – it's all going to be ok – just let it out – let it go"
"Dean – Dean" his name was like a mantra on Sam's lips and he held on, feeling tears soak his shirt. Maybe things were going to be alright after all.
Dean felt his face redden as the large grey donkey put it's hooves around his waist and nuzzled closer. In front of him, Sam giggled and a camera clicked "Dean – come on man – let Eeoyre hug you"
"Sam..." Dean felt his own laughter bubble and he let the furry creature come closer "This is so not cool"
"It may not be cool" Sam grinned and Dean felt his heart lift as he saw the brightness in his eyes "But this is going to be my phone picture for the next ten years – or so"
Dean hissed and let the giant donkey go; ignoring his brother's laughter "What do you wanna do next Sammy?"
"Space Mountain" Sam sounded breathless and Dean found himself staring at his brother; feeling as if they had regressed twenty years.
Sam looked so much better; his skin was lightly tanned in the Florida sun and the tremors in his hands had ceased. His brother clutched a large furry bear - won on the rifle range – in one hand and a hot dog in the other. Sam was eating again and his jeans looked as if they fit him again, his large frame no longer skin and bone; the flesh beginning to fill out. Most importantly Sam was smiling; no – hell – Sam was laughing. They were reliving their childhood – but this time it has a lot more exciting.
Dean had never liked flying – but when he rode Space Mountain with is brother – he felt that his head was in the clouds and he didn't care – their whole life had been a wild roller coaster ride – why would he want it to stop now?
TBC
