I have nothing important to say, so insert disclaimers and shit.
{Playlist}
{"Startear" SAO 2 – English Cover by Leeandlie}
{"aLIEz" Aldnoah – English Cover by Leeandlie}
{"X.U." Owari no Seraph – English Cover by Leeandlie
Chapter 24
~ The Meaning of Our Birth ~
Eventually, we returned to Ferox, bloody and battered, shells of the people we once were. At least, that is what I felt like. A corn husk thrown to the wind…Our Feroxi accommodations consisted of an entire wing of the West Khan's castle and a small makeshift barracks. A handful of Shepherds, namely Vaike, Nowi, Rei, Miriel, Maribelle, Lissa and Cordelia, loitered about the room. Each had mixed feelings about what had transpired – sadness and anger being the only similarity among them.
Personally, I sat slumped over the large circular table in the middle of the room, facedown with my arms wrapped around my head. There was no need to be happy about anything, hence my mood. I've never taken big losses well and this was no exception. I suppose that was just part of my character. An annoying part of it, to be honest.
I found myself muttering aloud for everyone to hear, wanting to interact somewhat. I wasn't entirely lost to my emo bubble. "Anyone else feel like…I dunno…curling up and just dying?" Vaike's voice boomed from somewhere to my right as I felt a hand be placed on that respective shoulder. That left me to believe that it was his.
"Teach can solve that problem!"
I shifted my shoulder, shrugging his hand off of it. I had never interacted much with Vaike and I wasn't going to start now. He seemed like a nice person, but his attitude in the game really pissed me off. "I don't like to be touched. Please back away from the emo bubble."
Lissa snickered from somewhere on my left. "You wouldn't mind if it were my br—"
I screamed in indignation. These idiots were pissing me off. "AHHHH! JUST SHUT UP!"
Quick footsteps sounded behind me, indicating that whoever it was - was running. They stopped abruptly as something hit my back rather hard. The high pitched voice that yelled told me that it was Nowi. "You wanna plaaaaaaaay?!"
"GET OFF ME!" I tried to force her off, but the manakete weighed a surprising amount. "How…How can any of you be so cheery?! We just got back from…from…"
Miriel's sophisticated voice sounded from somewhere behind me. "Coping a method." She must've pushed her glasses up from the small click I heard.
"...Well, that's an interesting way of doing it..." I lifted my head from the table.
The idea was vaguely familiar to me: Cheering your friends when all hope seems lost. When everything looks bleak…they'll count on you to make the sun shine again. Wasn't that my job? To keep my friends safe and happy? But…now they're doing it for me. I'm leaning on them. This isn't how it's supposed to work. I'm…That's…That's my job.
"Let Teach show you something!" Vaike said, putting his – Gods no, don't touch me, you fool – hand back on my shoulder – GYAH GET IT OFF. He pried me from the table – DAMN HIS STRENGTH – and forced me to sit back in the seat. Rei then ran in, jumped onto the table in front of me, reached her hands out and forced my mouth up in a smile. Vaike then laughed; stripped of its usual band, his hair hung loosely around his face, no longer held back and spiky. He had a smile plastered on as well, Nowi too. Hell, I even saw Miriel and Frederick – who had just entered the room – give small ones of their own. They were all making an effort – a real effort. I saw the sadness and defeat that lingered behind their eyes, yet they still put on a brave face. "See? You're dragging the rest of us down with your sulkin'! We're all right, so why aren't you?" After Vaike said that, I gained a new respect for him. Maybe he was better than I thought to be. He's actually a pretty good guy.
Feeling incredibly uncomfortable, but happy enough, I let out a laugh. Hearing it, Rei relented. "Thank you…You're right. This is no time for sulking. We need to focus on the halidom's survival and upholding Emmeryn's ideals." I said, pushing the chair back and standing. "We need to get Robin planning on our comeback!" Pumping my fist, I continued. "I'll go bug him! We'll take those fuckfaces by storm!" I headed towards the lovely tactician's bastardized study until Cordelia said something completely unexpected.
"Have any of you seen Chrom?"
Actually, no, this was normal. I'm pretty sure I heard Brandon's angered screams in the distance.
I sighed, turning to face the pretty lady. Damn, how'd she do it? "He locked himself in his room. I've been avoiding the place like the plague. I don't want to end up broken like the training dummies that…have been vanishing…"
"Go see him! Someone needs to!" Vaike said as if it were obvious – and in a way, it was. What else can you do with your friend or someone dear to you is hurting? Certainly not avoid them.
I responded to his outburst almost immediately, an annoyingly accurate retort already forming on my lips. "Why not you, you oaf?!" In hindsight, that came out harsher than intended; as did every other thing I said. The way everyone (except Frederick) in the room flinched was proof enough of that.
The knight approached the table, answering in Vaike's stead. "That would be the perfect course of action, however Vaike has already attempted that. So have Lady Lissa and I." Frederick also looked a tad disheveled as well. He no longer wore his confining armor, settling for the dress shirt, dark pants, and boots that normally rested underneath it. "The only one considerably close to milord that hasn't tried is you, Erin. If you don't mind my saying so, I believe that you should go do that before Plegia takes over Ferox."
While that came out polite, if one were to translate it, it'd be the equivalent of "Get your ass over there now before I break your skull with my lance." The forced smile said as much.
I frowned. "What about Robin?"
This time Maribelle stepped in, her appearance having not changed in the wake of the calamity. "Inconsolable."
"I'll take that as you time."
"…How kind of you, darling. I need to cheer up my fiancé, and you know the exact way that will be most effect—"
"WE WERE ALL THINKING IT, MARIBELLE!"
The noble gave a triumphant smirk.
We were all irked.
Slowly, but surely I made my way to the door.
The door.
About six or seven feet of dark oak wood, intricately designed like the rest that lined this hallway. The only difference was the weight that settled in my stomach when I saw it, and who was behind it. There was also the mystery of it. What else lied behind it? Would there be any going back once I entered? No. There's no going back. Once I put that foot forward and turn the knob, that's it.
I took a breath, sizing it up once more, admiring the patterns to stall. I did not want to see what was behind that. That much was certain.
But whatever is behind it needs help; I am a selfish person, I always have been, and I will be even more of one if I don't come to his aid.
Reaching a hand forward, I tried to open the door, but it wouldn't budge. Damn. I forgot that he locked it.
"Aquarius….Can I have a little favor?" I asked the deity.
A subtle click was the answer to that. Thank the goddess.
I was about to reach for it again, and then I remembered my manners.
Knock knock
No response.
"I'm coming in, whether you like it or not," I said, pushing it open.
Inside was certainly a sight to…behold, I suppose. The prince sat on the ground in the center of the room, motionless (alive, mind you) and evidently brooding; staring blankly at the door, as if expecting Emmeryn to step through it any minute. Poor soul. The happiness of seeing Lissa alive had fled him almost immediately after we returned. Nothing else was near him except for Falchion, his comfort toy. (I am neglecting to even acknowledge the yellow felt and stuffing littering the ground.)
I stepped across the room, kneeling in front of Chrom, uttering only three words.
"I am sorry."
His eyes filled with something…was is recognition? I believe so. They watched me intently, almost as if they were pleading – pleading for some sort of elaboration on what has been said. The lack of light in his once-strong steely blue gaze was pitiful, and it pressed me even further to do what I did next.
Leaning forward, I gathered him up in a hug, resting a hand at the nape of his neck, delicately caressing it with my thumb while the other rested at his lower back. I knew nothing about human interaction, and even less about comforting gestures; that much is obvious. Even so, I tried my best.
"It's time to collect yourself, rally your forces and take back Ylisstol," I whispered. I know these words aren't comforting, but while comfort is needed, the overall goal was important right now.
He stiffened at my touch before molding into it, resting a head on my shoulder. "There's…." he finally spoke, but stopped abruptly when he realized how he sounded. His voice was raspy, nonexistent even, as if it hadn't been used for a while. And I wouldn't be surprised if that were the case. It had been two weeks, after all. Chrom tried again. "There's no point. She is gone, Erin. We have lost."
I stopped the hand that had been massaging his nape, getting rid of the gentleness I was trying so hard to keep. "We've only lost because you've given up, Saukerl!" I didn't see him flinch, but I felt it in the way his breath hitched. I had been too harsh again, it seems. But now it is warranted. "Arschgrobbler," Ah, how I loved cursing at him in German—Sorry, off topic, "don't you understand?!"
"…You don't understand, that much is clear." Even as he said that, I still held on tight. "So, what? We may win back Ylisstol, but we've still lost my sister. That's still a loss—"
"Nien! Dummkopf!" I raised a hand and rapped once on the back of the head.
"Ow…"
I smirked in satisfaction, but let it drain from my features, heading back to the topic at hand. "Look at what you still have. Isn't that enough? If we keep moping over what we have lost, we miss what's right in front of us; the pure emotion shared and the experiences we all partake in. If you are lost in the past, you can never become lost in the moment, love."
"But—!"
At that moment, Lissa stepped in, glancing around once. When she spotted us, (I assume this is what happened, I was not facing the door) she immediately sat nearby. Instinctively, I pulled away, giving him some space, and the ability for him to see his sister, and her him.
"Chrom…," the princess offered a weak smile. "Are…" Lissa sniffed. "Will…Will we be all right?" She was finally letting her façade fall, wasn't she? She had looked so cheerful before, but now…It was hurting me to see it. Even our ray of sunshine was suffering.
"Lissa…," He wouldn't face her; his puffy eyes were probably the cause of that. I, too, would've been embarrassed to show myself. But still, where was the shame in comforting your sister who's, more or less, in the same state as you? "…How…How have you been coping…?" He dodged her question. Damn, the nerve….
"I've been fine…Just scared, is all. I've mostly been worried about you. Will you be all right, big brother?"
Chrom shook his head. Of course he couldn't see the light; he had fallen too far into the abyss of sadness. "We…no, I will never recover from this. You both….you both have something to give to the halidom. I am worth nothing in comparison…Put your faith in someone else…Someone stronger…"
"Shut…." Lissa started, gaining Chrom's attention, though he still did not face her. I had an inkling of what was to come next. I was aware of her feelings on certain topics. "SHUT UP!" Her brother jumped, looking at her incredulously. "You….Don't…DON'T YOU DARE SAY YOU'RE WORTHLESS, YOU JERK!" The princess was shaking – with rage, perhaps? – as tears streamed down her face. "IF ANYONE SHOULD EVER FEEL WORTHLESS, IT'S ME!"
"What, why—?"
"I SAT BY AND DID NOTHING. THAT'S ALL I EVER DO! NOTHING! EVEN WHEN I GAINED THE ABILITY TO FIGHT, I STILL WAS TOO WEAK! ALL I COULD DO WAS WATCH AS SHE…AS SHE FELL FROM THAT DAMN CLIFF!"
"Lissa, I didn't do anything—!"
"SHUT UP AND JUST LISTEN!" She brought her knees to her chest as she screamed. "YOU TRIED! AT LEAST YOU TRIED! …S-SO DON'T SAY YOU'RE…..YOU'RE WORTHLESS! …I'VE BEEN LIVING IN YOUR AND EMM'S SHADOW FOREVER! I…I—!" Lissa broke off into sobs and hiccups, giving us both a window of time to speak.
"Lissa…," Chrom took the opportunity. "I'm…sorry. I didn't think about what you felt. I was so selfish, locking myself up…when others are feeling the same pain…" He leaned forward and held his sister close as she sobbed into his shoulder.
It was a heartfelt sight. I felt my feels being ripped out, placed on train tracks, and being hit by the feels train. Over and over until I felt myself tear up a bit. I had no business crying or witnessing this…but I couldn't help either of those things. They needed to happen.
After a while Lissa pulled back, her sobs having subsided. She crinkled her nose in disgust and stared at her brother. "Geez, you smell…Are you drunk or something? Gods, do take a shower, Chrom."
Well, Lissa, we were all thinking it. We just weren't saying it.
The prince looked away, reddening. Eventually, I heard an awkward chuckle and then full blown laughter.
Looks like the dork family's at it again…It was…invigorating to watch. They looked so happy, yet so sad at the same time. This recovery…It's killing me. I should leave. Yeah. That's what I should do. I pushed myself to my feet and made my way over to the door. What had I been thinking when I had gone to help? Lissa did it just fine on her own. He should be heading out tomorrow to face Plegia thanks to her. What I would give for a sister like that. She truly is a healer of both physical and emotional pain. I placed a hand on the knob and began to turn it. Soon, I would be out of here and that would be for the—
"Erin."
One word, one name, stopped me.
"Thank you."
Sniff.
Damn these emotions…Gods damn this dork. Gods damn this family. Gods damn this game. Gods damn this fucking survival game that we must play.
I slowly resumed turning the handle.
And then stopped.
In one fluid motion, I had turned myself around, and enveloped him in a hug once more, this time being the one sobbing. Someone jumped onto me from behind, that someone being Lissa, and hugged me as well. Perhaps, she was repaying me for when I held her the other day, or she genuinely cared. I knew one thing: I loved this family too much. These dorks…I'd put down my life for them.
"I…Hah….I'm so weak…," I sniffled. "…being swayed by these petty human emotions…"
I heard a sigh escape Lissa. "Well, you are only human. Stop acting like you aren't."
Perhaps I have always been acting that way – feeling like my emotions weren't necessary, and that it is better that they are suppressed because in the end, they don't help the situation. I had always thought that emotions make you weak; love makes you weak; compassion makes you weak. I guess I've been wrong this entire time.
"I—Thank you. You—you both—you mean so much to me," I murmured. "I'll never deserve such—such amazing people in my life." I felt something ruffle my hair, and I immediately popped my head up, one thought on my mind. Murder. It wasn't like I cared if my hair was messed, I didn't. I hated how this established dominance amongst my squad. I did it to everyone, no one did it to me. "Did you seriously just do that? AFTER I POUR MY FUCKING HEART OUT!"
Lissa who had fallen back when I looked up, began to giggle madly. I turned and glared back at her, even though I was certain she wasn't the offender.
"There she is." I turned my glare to Chrom as he spoke. "You know, that was really out of character." YOU'RE OUT OF CHARACTER, ASSWIPE! "We can't have that, now can we?" I WILL RIP YOU LIMB FROM LIMB! "…Especially if we're going to take down Plegia." YOU FUCKING FUCKTARD—Wait, did he just…?! We're going to do this? He's okay?
"You mean…You're…gonna do it?"
"Yeah."
***How it actually went***
"…Well, I'm not all that eager to, to be honest. With proper motivation…~"
"You've got to be kidding me."
"Nope, dead serious."
"Fucktard."
"Love you too."
"You wish I did."
"I know you do."
"Lissa. I suggest you leave."
…
"Lissa?"
The princess was already gone at that point, leaving us alone. He had the eyes set up. He fucking knew. Prick. He knew how much power those had over me. Godsfuckingdammit. I'm one to believe in abstinence, you see, so this was going against all of my morals. And so I just shifted awkwardly in silence, trying to avoid the eyes of doom as best I could. Fricken dorky princes who are fucking puppies and you think they're in for the puppy love but NOOOO they whip out the puppy eyes and you know you're fucked. Quite literally. Whether you like it or not.
It's more of a fear, you see, or nervousness keeping me from it. Commitment? Perhaps. But damn, in that second I knew I'd do anything to ensure his godsdamned happiness. Thinking of it, it's my stubbornness above all else. I don't want to see that light of victory. But…I want to see happiness.
I sighed, glancing up slowly. "For you. Anything."
He shook his head. "No, for you."
Fuck. Shit. Crap. Archloch. Dummkopf. Saukerl.
Actually…
I'm not entirely opposed.
Godsdamn my femininity.
WELL I FINISHED. I DID THIS IN THE CAR ON THE WAY DOWN, AND ON THE WAY BACK FROM FLORIDA AND WELL THAT'S WHY IT HASN'T BEEN UPLOADED. BUT I FINALLY FINISHED AND HOLY SHIT SO MUCH STUFF WAS DONE. I got accepted for Lissa in that same RP Group I mentioned a few chapters ago, as well as started up a Camilla one for reasons. If you're interested in seeing any of those, check out my profile page, yo. Don't forget to favorite, follow and review~
AND I AM OUT PEACE.
