I was suffering. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced. I had lost the love of my life. Stupidly and by my own doing. It was like those first days back at Hogwarts during 7th year but only a thousand times worse. Back then I had him to get me through. Now I had no one to turn to. Who could I tell? The answer was simple. Nobody. I had to save myself this time but I wasn't sure how. I would though. One way or the other. This was not going to break me. It would surely get better with time. This week would end, people would stop talking about Draco's engagement and I would be able to breathe again. I just had to make it through this week. That was my mantra. I said it over and over in my head as I lay in bed that night.
I don't know how but I did make it through the week. I was right—people finally stopped talking about the engagement and I didn't see Draco again. That first day was the worst and with the whole week behind me I knew that I would finally start to heal. It would be a hard and long process but I would overcome this trauma and become whole again—or as whole as I could be considering that I had lost a part of myself when I let Draco go.
April 2000
Hours. Days. Weeks. Months.
Slowly but inevitably they all passed. It had now been three months since Draco and I had broken up and I was doing quite well all things considering. I spent a lot of time with my friends and parents. I worked hard and was well on my way to achieving my professional aims. Life was good. The only thing lacking was the love of a man—I didn't know how much I valued it until I didn't have it anymore. Being loved like that made life infinitely brighter. The only thing better was loving someone like that. I still had that part going for me—I never stopped loving Draco of course—I doubt I would ever be able to. It just didn't really matter anymore. It's not like I could share my love with him. We were done. Strangers basically. Things were back to the way they were before we got together. I didn't see him,he didn't see me and nobody ever found out about us. If not for the Draco shaped hole in my heart which loved and ached simultaneously—I would have a hard time believing we had even happened. There was also the box that I had put away with all the stuff he had ever given. It hurt too much to look at them so I just kept them out of sight. Maybe one day when the hurt became a distant memory I would be able to bring them out again. For now though—they would stay locked away. Just like me heart. I couldn't open it to anyone just yet—frankly speaking, I didn't want to. Anything— anyone else would pale in comparison. I would move on one day. Just not now.
June 2000
I hadn't seen Draco since that day at the Ministry—we didn't move in same circles and he was still training and not yet a fully qualified Auror so he wasn't at the Ministry much or at all because I never saw him there. I'm sure he must have had to be there sometimes though so that means he was doing his best to avoid seeing me. I pretty much did the same whenever I was somewhere I thought he could be. So it was really no surprise that our paths hadn't crossed. He would be finishing up Auror training at the end of the month and would probably start working at the Ministry a week later so that would definitely complicate matters but I knew we would both try our best not to run in to each other. I think the fact that I hadn't been seeing him really helped my heart to heal faster—I didn't have to look at his face and be reminded of just how much I loved him or how much I lost by losing him. It was easier to pretend that my feelings weren't as strong when the look in his eyes wasn't there to shatter that belief. Sometimes I pretended that my Draco never existed—I tried to remember him s he was before the war—rude and prejudiced. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't. I would use this tactic whenever I was feeling particularly upset about him and it would make it easier for me to bury my anguish. If I forgot just how amazing he really was now and remembered the git he once was—everything would be easier. I didn't love that boy—I didn't even know him. Yes—not seeing him definitely helped. All my carefully constructed walls and techniques to counter the pain would shatter if I saw him often. They would probably crumble instantly when I saw him again for the first time. I dreaded the day that he would start working at the Ministry. I suppose I had best make the most of my freedom and build my walls up even stronger.
Not to say that my mentality wasn't still fragile sometimes—even without seeing him I had my moments. All it took was a glance of someone with the same shade of blonde hair as Draco or if I saw someone with grey eyes—in short anyone who looked like him in the slightest. Even the mention of his name when I was least expecting it could leave me in a state. I would have a moment of panic just before I realized it wasn't actually him where I would stop breathing for a few seconds. Then I would feel this deep sense of loss. My heart would hurt and I would have to stop whatever I was doing to go and collect myself. Those moments were few and far between though. For one simple reason: Draco was one of a kind and I knew him too well. It was rare to see someone who reminded me of him—even rarer than that was for me to be tricked by them. So all I all I was doing rather well in my get over and move on from Draco campaign.
I had actually been on a date just last week. He was from work and I accepted his offer because I didn't want to be rude. It also had a lot to do with the fact that I felt it was as good a time as any to try dating again. Truth be told, it was alright. Nothing special but not awful either. That was why I was going out with him again tonight. Even though I knew deep down that nothing serious would come if it ( It was still too soon for me to think about along term relationship and I didn't like him that much) there was no harm in having some casual fun. I wondered if he wanted more. I would have to make it clear tonight that I was not interested in a serious relationship—wouldn't want to lead the poor guy on.
I was at the restaurant, waiting for my date to show up. I was early as usual so I spent the few extra minutes I had to myself watching the other couples until he arrived. I spotted him a few minutes later and waved him over to our table.
"Hello, Hermione." He greeted me happily.
"Hi, Robert." I returned coolly.
"Have you been waiting long?" He asked politely.
"No. Just a few minutes." I replied.
"Oh."
"So how was you day?" He asked.
"Good." I answered.
"How was yours?" I asked I return.
"Quite good. Work went well and now I'm having diner with a beautiful girl like you so yeah It's been good." He said with a laugh.
"Flattery won't work on me sir." I said jokingly.
"It's not flattery if it's true." He teased.
"Well in that case, thank you for the compliment." I answered with a smile.
"You're very welcome."
The conversation continued like that—light and playful all until we were interrupted by the waiter. We both ordered and then went back to talking.
" Looking at you like this—all dressed up and looking so pretty, it's had for me to imagine you camping out in the woods for months and taking down dark wizards. Yet I know you did. I'm actually on a date with someone who helped to save the wizarding world." He said in awe.
"Well I had no choice really. It was either that or letting Voldemort take over the world." I said quietly.
"You could have grabbed your parents and ran until the whole thing ended or you could have stayed gone if the dark side had won. I'm sure nobody would have blamed you."
"Maybe but I could never do that. It would have been wrong—running away and letting others do the fighting just to return when it was all over. I could never have left Harry anyway so it doesn't really matter in the end." I said.
"You really are a special person." He said admiringly.
"I try." I said shyly.
The food arrived and we ate in silence for a while until Robert picked up the conversation again.
"Tell me about your parents. It must be strange for them to have a daughter who's a witch, being muggles and all."
"It is but they've adjusted really well to the whole thing." Was all I said. We didn't know each other well enough to tell him about past struggles.
"That's good. So what do the do?" He asked.
"They're both dentists."
He looked puzzled so I elaborated.
"They look after people's teeth."
"I see." He said while still seeming confused but he let it drop.
"What do your parents do?"
"My dad works in the law enforcement department just like me ad my mum is a healer." He replied proudly.
"Those are some pretty nice jobs." I said.
"They are." He agreed.
I got the feeling that he was really interested in me and might want to take things farther than just casual dates. I hated to do it but I would have to set him straight where my feelings were concerned. I was just about to open my mouth when he said something that made my blood run cold.
"Hey, isn't that Draco Malfoy and his fiance over there?" He said while pointing over my shoulder.
God no. This could not be happening. I didn't want to turn around and look but it would seem weird if I didn't. Maybe it wasn't him I though as I turned my head around and looked in the direction that Robert was pointing. I cringed internally. It really was him. There was no mistaking that hair. That face. Everything really.
"Yeah, that's him." I muttered.
I needed to get the hell out of here—especially before he noticed me.
"Listen Robert. I had a really nice time tonight but I can feel a massive headache coming on—it must be from all the wine. Anyway, I think I need to go home and get a potion or something." I lied lamely.
I didn't care if he be believed me or not as log as I got out of there.
"Oh I'm sorry. Of course you should go home. Let me walk you out." He said with mild concern.
He called over the waiter for the bill, paid and then followed me as I started walking briskly towards the door. We would have to walk right by Draco's table and I prayed that he wouldn't see me. We were getting closer to his table but he was reading the menu with his head down. Almost there I chanted in my head. Just two more steps and I would be past his table. One more step now. Fuck me.
"Hello there, aren't you Hermione Granger?" Said Astoria Greengrass, half polite,half excitedly.
I was well and truly fucked. Why the hell was she talking to me? I chanced a quick look at Draco and he looked as if he'd seen a ghost. I had to answer her—it would be really rude not to.
"Um, Hi. Yes I'm Hermione." I mumbled.
"It's so nice to meet you. You're an inspiration for so many girls and young women. My self included." She said and smiled at me.
"Oh wow. That's very kind. Thank you." I replied modestly.
She just smiled even broader.
"Silly me, I just realized I haven't introduce myself. I'm Astoria Greengrass." She said with a chuckle and stretched out her hand.
"Well it's nice to meet you too, Astoria." I said politely and shook her hand.
"You know Draco of course." She said with a gesture in his direction.
I could only manage an awkward nod towards him—my heart already in tatters at just the sight of him. He did the same and looked away.
"This is Robert." I said lamely. I had to introduce him—it was the polite thing to do.
Robert and Astoria greeted each other warmly enough but Draco just gave him a curt nod. He was downright cold to be honest.
"Well we'll be going now." I said to Astoria.
"Of course. Enjoy the rest of your night." She replied.
"You too." I returned.
There was a chorus of bye's from everyone of us except Draco. He was in a bad mood but trying to play it cool—I could still read him like a open book even after all this time apart.
Robert and I made it out of the restaurant and we stood outside talking a bit a nd exchanging goodbyes.
'Well it looks like someone has an admirer." He teased.
"Guess so." I said quietly.
"She seems really nice, for a pureblood elite and all. Him on the other hand...Cold as ice." He continued.
"She does." I agreed.
I felt a little upset about Robert's criticism of Draco. He didn't know about our situation and why Draco behaved the way he did. How dare he judge him? I was being unfair though—Robert didn't know about me and Draco so of course Draco's behavior would seem rude to him. Still, I felt the need to defend Draco.
"Don't mind Malfoy. I'm sure he didn't mean to be rude or anything, probably just having a rough night or something." I said.
"If you say so." He said and rolled his eyes.
The last five minute shad been rough and this conversation was only making things worse. I was actually feeling a real headache coming on.
"Well, I'm going to go now. Thanks for a lovely evening." I said tiredly.
"Ok. I had a good time too." He replied.
"Goodnight."
"Goodnight." I said and apparated home.
As soon as made it to my place, I went straight to my room and flopped down on the bed. Everything was going so well tonight and then that happened... I truly had the worst luck. I was getting better too and now I was sure I would relapse into grief mode after seeing Draco. With her no less. At least she really did seem nice so maybe he would be happy with her after all. Maybe already was. I thought sadly. He did seem upset and jealous because was with Robert though so I guess hes still not over me or maybe he is and it was just out of habit or he was actually mad at me for being there. I didn't know what to think and it upset me greatly not knowing if Draco still loved me or not. It didn't even mater anymore because he was marrying Astoria for Merlin's sake but it bothered me anyway. I needed to calm down and sleep but after a night like tonight neither would come easily so I took a sleeping potion and fell into merciful dankness.
The next day at work, I made up my mind to end things—at least on the romantic level—with Robert. I was going to do it anyway but last night only confirmed my decision. It wasn't fair to either of us to let things go on. I was in love with another man for god's sake. Would I ever stop loving him? I doubted it. I saw him for the first time in months for a few short minutes and we had virtually no contact but it was enough to undo me. That was proof enough that I was still in too deep. So no—it wasn't fair for m to lead Robert or anyone else on for ha matter. My heart belonged to another and I was beginning to feel as if it always would.
A few hours later I tracked Robert down in his office and got right into it. Why wait?
"Look Robert, there's something I have to tell you." I said slowly.
"What is it?" He asked curiously.
"Well, I had two really nice dates with you and I like you a lot. You're great but the thing is...the thing is that I'm just not ready for anything more and I probably won't be for a good time more. I'm sorry." I told him firmly but kindly.
He looked shocked and hurt. God I hated myself. Rejecting and hurting a perfectly good guy just because I couldn't let go of someone I couldn't even be with. Pathetic.
"Can I ask you why?" He said in a very quite and sad voice.
"I... it's just that I've been through a lot in my life you know? I have emotional scars and wounds that I thought we're healing bu I was wrong. They're still as fresh and open as ever. I'm not in a good place right now and I'm definitely not ready for a relationship. It's not fair for me to bring you down with me or to lead you on." I explained cryptically.
"I see. We'll I really liked you and I'm sorry you feel this way but I respect your decision and am grateful that you've told me how you feel. You are right—it wouldn't have been fair to let things go on if you were not ready." He said with unexpected composure.
"Thank you for understanding. So much. It means a lot to me." I told him and took his hand for a moment before letting go.
He nodded.
"Maybe we could still be friends?" I offered timidly.
"Why not. This doesn't change the fact that you're an awesome person." He said lightly.
We smiled at each other—a little sadly on both of our parts and then I left.
I was back in my office and mulling over the mess that was my life. After months of recovery I was now back at square one it seemed. Alone and pining for Draco.
July 2000
Today was the day. Draco had finished his Auror training last week (Harry told me) and was coming to the Ministry today to start work officially as a qualified Auror. I was freaking out to say the least. It had been almost a month since our last meeting and I felt like I had got myself together pretty well but I knew I would fall apart as soon as I saw him. There was no helping it. I was a lost cause when it came to Draco. I would just have to pull out my best acting skills in public and keep it together long enough before crumbling in private at home. Who knows—maybe I'll get lucky and hardly see him. We didn't even work in the same department so it wouldn't be that hard to avoid each other I thought comfortingly. I put thoughts of Draco out my mind and focused on my work. I had been here for a year and I had already made great strides in improving the lives of magical creatures. Life was great for me in that aspect. If only my career success translated into other areas of my life...
The week went by and surprisingly I hadn't seen Draco as yet. Lucky me. I was bound to see him sooner or later so I didn't get too excited. My luck eventually ran out as expected. I saw him for a few seconds towards the end of his second week—he was getting off the lift and didn't see me. That was a fortunate break for me. I didn't even feel too upset—just sad at what we had become. It went on like that for weeks—short sightings around the Ministry. Sometimes we made eye contact and looked quickly away and sometimes he didn't see me at all—for which I was grateful. It was always harder when I had to see the damned look in his eyes every time he saw me. I would have to lock myself in my office and cry after those encounters. I just loved him so much. It was hard for me to see the sadness in his eyes and knowing that I was the cause of it and that I couldn't do anything to make it go away. Sometimes I just wanted to go over and talk to him but that would definitely make things a hundred times worse. I wondered how he was doing, how he was getting on with Astoria, if he and his father were doing well after the whole arranged marriage thing. I longed to know about his life.
The one thing I didn't have to wish for was information about his work. Harry was getting on surprisingly well with him (Ron not so much) and he often talked about what a good job he was doing or how quickly he adjusted. I assumed he must enjoy his work by the Harry spoke about it. I was very proud of him—he had made something out of himself without anyone's help or influence. I know that mattered a great deal to him. I was happy too—at least thee was one good thing in his life at the moment. Assuming that he wasn't madly in love with Astoria by now but I doubted that.
I wondered how long we would be able to avoid each other. Would things always be this awkward and strained between us or would we finally make peace with what happened someday done the road when we were both married with families. I hoped we would. I had to admit—even though it hurt to see him—I was also pleased in a twisted way. I had missed him dearly and even short, painful sightings were better than nothing. Maybe someday soon we would even be able to say a few words to each other.
September 2000
It was Sunday and I was having dinner at the Burrow. Harry was talking about his double date last nigh with Ginny and Draco and Astoria. First of all I couldn't believe that the four of them had even gone out together much less enjoy it. But enjoy it they did—according to Harry and Gin at least. I had no way of knowing how Draco really felt. I wonder why he went. Was it for Astoria or because his parents wanted him to continue to be seen with the right people and improve his public image? Or maybe he actually wanted to go? I would never know. I was kind of upset about the whole thing actually. I mean, when we were dating it was a secret from my friends but now that we were over Harry's suddenly pals with him? I wondered if Harry and Gin would be so accepting of him if they knew about us or if we were still together. I was beginning to think they would—they might have been upset at first but it wouldn't have lasted. Another thing I would never know.
I was only half listening to Harry—I was trying to zone out. I wasn't in the bloody mood to hear about Draco and his fiance. Not that I could shut all of the conversation out. Ginny was now adding her two cents.
"The two of them make quite the good looking couple too I must say. Their children will be gorgeous." Said Ginny.
Ron made a disgusted sound at her remark and she shot him a look.
"It's true. They look good together." Harry backed up Ginny.
That was it. I had heard enough and I couldn't take it anymore—I was seething on the inside. I didn't bloody well want to hear about how gorgeous Draco's kids with Astoria would be. The thought of him even touching her made me sick. I knew if I only heard one more snippet of this conversation my rage would boil over and I would lose control. I had to leave.
"You know what guys, I'm not feeling too well. I think I should leave." I said weakly. (trying to make my excuse believable.)
"Really? What's wrong?" Asked a concerned Harry.
"I'm sure it's nothing serious but I still want to go home and rest."
" You sure? Maybe we could take you to St Mungos and have them check you out?" Added Ginny.
"That won't be necessary but thanks for the offer." I replied.
"It was all that talk about Malfoy and his spawn that made her sick." Said Ron through a mouthful of food.
Everyone laughed except Ginny and Mrs Weasley who smacked him over the head.
"Ow. It was only a joke." He whined.
"Well it was a rather poor one." Ginny said nastily.
If only they knew—Ron was right for once.
"I'm going to go now. Thanks for dinner." I said kindly.
"You want me to come with you and make ure you get home alright?" Offered Harry.
"Thanks Harry but I'll manage."
"Okay."
"Bye everyone." I said.
"Bye Hermione." Everyone said. "Hope you feel better soon dear." Mrs Weasley added.
Harry, Ron and Ginny walked me to the door and I hugged all there of them before leaving.
I spent the whole night brooding and being jealous so I didn't get much sleep and was a miserable mess at work the next day. To make matters worse—I bumped into Draco. Quite literally. I had a stack of papers piled high in my arms and in my annoyed state I wasn't paying attention to my surroundings—just walking as quickly as possible down the crowded floor and back to my office when it happened. I was just rounding a corner when I slammed into a hard body. The papers flew out of my arms, I lost my balance and fell—pulling the person down with me. We ended up in a tangled heap on the floor and then I saw who it was and I froze. We both did. Draco recovered first and gently disentangled himself from me. He held out his hand to me but I was reluctant to take it—that would mean touching him. Again. I was suddenly aware of the crowd of onlookers who had stopped to witness my embarrassment and I realized how bad it would look if I didn't take his hand so I did and he pulled me up. Just that small touch brought back so many memories and it made me long for him to take me in his arms and never let go.
"Thank you." I muttered.
"No problem." He said quietly.
"Are you alright? Did you hurt your self? He asked with genuine concern.
"No. I'm fine. Are you okay?" I said
"That's good. Yeah, I'm okay." He replied.
"Good."
I bent down to gather my scattered papers and he bent to to help me too. We got it down quickly—he handed me his stack an then there was an awkward moment where we just looked at one another intensely. That was not helping matters so I said the first thing that came to mind just to break the tension.
"Thanks for your help. I said lamely."
"You're welcome." He replied automatically but I could see that his thoughts were elsewhere.
"Well, I'd best be going." I said nervously.
"Right." He said and cleared his throat.
I nodded and walked away.
When I reached my office I sat down in my chair and tried to calm my racing heart. That was so crazy. The intensity at the end...Wow. It was clear that the two of us were still very much aware of each other physically as well as emotionally. If we were in private I doubted I would have been able to stop from jumping on him and ripping his clothes off. I was that affected. I felt horrible—he was engaged to an apparently lovely girl and yet I wanted to fuck his brains out. I was an awful person. Awful and desperate.
November 2000
It had been two months since my little incident with Draco and I was pleased to say that there hadn't been a repeat performance. We kept our distance even more strictly than before. We still saw each other of course—just from afar instead. We hadn't spoken since either. Not even a hello or good morning. Until now that is. After all this time working together I had never been in the lift with him at the same time. I somehow ended up stuck in it with him, Harry and some others today. The others we're all from the same department and they all got off on the same floor leaving the three of us together.
"Hey Hermione." Harry greeted—not having a chance to do so when the lift was full.
"Hi Harry." I said.
Draco and I thoroughly ignored one another.
He then looked form Draco to me with an odd look on his face before saying:
"Well?" He said, throwing both his arms out in Draco and my direction.
"What?" We both said at the same time.
"Aren't the two of you going to say hello to to each other?" He said bemused.
Oh. I could see how it would look to Harry that we didn't exchange polite greetings even if we we're friends. Downright rude—especially since we would have done it if there was anyone else but the other in the lift. The two of us exchanged a look. It said just do it before he gets suspicious.
"Hello Granger." Drawled Draco.
"Hello to you too, Malfoy." I returned tonelessly.
"Happy now, Harry?" I said sarcastically an followed it up with an eye roll.
Draco let out a low chuckle at my comment.
"Not particularly. The two of you are acting weird. I would have though you would be all for talking to Draco—you used to preach about house unity back in school." He said to me.
"Well we aren't in school anymore." I shot back.
"Well then I thought you would be more accepting of Draco seeing as he's changed lot since the war. That's something you would appreciate. As for you Draco, I thought you were over your blood purity prejudices so why are still treating Hermione this way? I mean you even talk to Ron now." Said Harry in apparent frustration.
I had no idea why Harry was making such a big deal about this but I would have to put a stop to it. I didn't need him trying to get us to be friends or anything.
"Listen Harry, there's no problem with me and Draco. We're not fiends so we're not used to speaking to each other—I guess it's an old habit to ignore one another but there's no bad feelings between us okay? I appreciate very much that he's changed and he knows that so just give it a rest." I said in annoyance.
"She's right, Potter. We're fine with each other and I don't have a problem with her blood status so don't even think about that." Draco added.
"If you two say so. I suppose I overacted. It's just that I'm used to working with Draco and Ron so we're both closer to him now. I guess I forgot the two of you don't hang out. I'm sorry." Harry said by way of apology.
"Don't worry about it." I told him.
"It's fine." Said Draco.
I was relieved that he had bought our excuse sand let it go.
"Oh crap." Harry suddenly shouted.
"What's wrong?" I asked, alarmed.
"I forgot that I had to go see Mr Weasley. Thank god we haven't passed his floor yet." He replied.
A minute later, Harry was out of the lift and Draco and I were alone. Trapped. This could not end well. I could already feel the change in the atmosphere. There was a certain charge—it always happened when we we're alone together. I stood as far away from his as possible. Not that it helped. In just a few minutes he would get off and I would be safe. That was what I told myself but he had other plans apparently.
He came closer to me and was looking into my eyes intensely.
"What are you doing?" I asked weakly.
"I'm looking at you." He whispered.
"Why?" I whispered back.
"Because I've missed seeing your face and I don't know when I'll gt the chance to be this close to you again." He replied sadly.
"Oh." I breathed.
Tears sprang to my eyes and my heart felt like it was being squeezed. I wanted so badly to touch his face and comfort him but I couldn't bring myself to do it.
Coward. I chided myself mentally.
With one stride he was suddenly very close to me. Too close. Much too close. I could feel his hot breath on my face and see the desire in is eyes.
This was bad. I wanted to move but I was rooted to the spot. He was touching my face now and I felt all resistance slipping away. I wanted him more than anything in that moment. We leaned forward—lips centimeters apart— when the lift came to a stop. It jerked us out of our stupor and we jumped back. Both breathing hard and blushing furiously. We we're on Draco's floor now. The door opened and he got out with one final look at me. I was in turmoil. All I wanted to do was curl up and cry but people had gotten on when Draco got off and I had to hold it together.
Mercifully I made it to my office a few minutes later. I put up a silencing charm and magically locked the door before breaking down. I cried for a long time before collecting myself. That was the closest we had been—both emotionally and physically since we broke up almost a year ago. I didn't know if I should be happy or sad that we were interrupted before we could kiss. It was probably for the best—who knows where it would have led. Yes. It was for the best. He was getting married soon—there was no future for us. A part of me still wished we had kissed though. It would have felt so good. It would have banished all the pain of the past year—even if only for a moment.
I was sitting at home about a week later, reading, when I heard a tapping on my window. I went to look and saw a handsome owl perched outside with a thick envelope tied to his leg. I opened the window and took the rather classy and expensive looking envelope from the owl.
It was addressed to Miss Hermione Granger in an elegant script. With a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach I realized what it was for it could only be one thing. Who else would use such an envelope and writing like like that? It had to Draco's wedding invitation.
I sat down and opened it with trembling hands. It was indeed an invite to his wedding. I read it through quickly. He would be getting married on the 1st of January (exactly a year later since they got engaged I noticed) at Malfoy Manor. The ceremony would begin at 5:pm and end at 5:45. The reception then began at 6:00 pm. I was sure it would be a stunning affair—not that I would be there to see it. There was no way I could. I wondered why Draco invited me—he must know that I wouldn't show an how bad I would feel upon receiving his invite. Probably his parents idea or Astoria's. He couldn't very well refuse to invite me either—what would he say when asked for the reason? I put the invitation back in it's envelope and put it away in my room. I went back to my book but couldn't concentrate. It was still early evening—maybe Harry and Ron were home. I would go and visit them at Grimmauld Place. That was sure to help with my mood.
They were indeed home and Ginny was there too.
"Hey guys." I said.
"Hi Hermione." They all said.
"How com you're here?" Asked Harry.
"I was bored so I though of visiting you two."
"So you have to be bored before you visit us?" Asked Harry, feigning hurt.
"Yes." I said and stuck my tongue at him.
He only laughed and then the four of us launched into fun conversation. Along the way, Draco's wedding came up. They had all received their invitations today as well.
"I'm so excited! I can't wait to go—I'm sure it will be amazing. I'll have to star shopping for an outfit right away." Ginny enthused.
" Why so excited Gin? It's only Malfoy's wedding—you don't like him remember." Ron said to her.
" I don't have any problem with Malfoy anymore Ron and I like Astoria. Also you know I can't refuse any opportunity to get dressed up." She said with a laugh.
"Well I'm not excited at all. It will probably be filled with pureblood snobs."
"True, but I bet the food will be amazing." Harry said with a knowing look at Ron.
We all laughed.
"You're right. That's the only reason I will be going. Who want's to see Malfoy get married. Not me at least." Said Ron.
"I do. He deserves some happiness." Said Harry seriously.
"Whatever." Muttered Ron.
"Oh come on Ron, even you have to admit that he's really trying. He's not so bad anymore and you know it." Harry chided.
"Okay fine. He's alright I guess." Ron admitted grudgingly.
"What about you,Hermione? Are you going to go?" Harry asked tentatively. He was obviously remembering the incident last week.
" I don't know. There's still some time left to decide. I don't know if anything will come up on the date." I said indifferently.
"Oh come on Hermione. You have to go!" Ginny said.
"We'll see." I told her.
She left it at that and we moved on to pleasanter topics.
December 30th 2000
It was midnight and I lay in bed, struggling to sleep. It had been like this for the past week. Draco's wedding was drawing closer with each passing day and I spent my nights worrying over the fact that he would be someone's husband in a few days time. Someone who was not me. It was hard to come to terms with. Tomorrow would be a year since we broke up and in that year I had accepted that we were over but I still had this faint glimmer of hope buried deep within me that we would somehow find our way back together. I was fooling myself but it was nice to pretend sometimes. When he got married that fantasy would be irrevocably dead though and I couldn't deal with it. I would have to deal with it though—his wedding was in two days time and there was nothing I could do about it. The next time I saw him, he would be a married man.
I would have liked to see him one more time before that—to tell him that I was sorry for giving up on us so easily and to thank him for all the happiness that he gave me. It might have brought me some closure. I couldn't very well do it after he was married either—that would be unfair to him an his wife. Maybe it was a good thing that I hadn't seen him though—considering what had happened the last time we were alone together. It had been that day in the lift when we had almost kissed. We hadn't so much as looked at each other for more than a second since that day. A line had been crossed and I was ashamed at my behavior and I reckoned he felt the same way.
Two days. In two days I would let go forever. I had promised myself that but in the meantime I would cry and mope for all that I had lost.
December 31st 2000
One more day left. I kept repeating it over and over in my head throughout the day. It was afternoon and I was curled up on my sofa with a book that I wasn't reading. The lack of sleep and all the crying I had done in the past week had caught up with me. I looked wretched and sick. Which was actually a good thing considering I was faking the flu. It was to be my excuse as to why I couldn't go to the wedding. I had told Ginny I would go just to gt her off my back and to not rouse any suspicion. After all I didn't have any real reason to skip it that my friends were aware of. I had even gone shopping with her and bought a nice dress. Harry was having his new years eve party just like last year and I had already used my flu excuse on him as well as on my boss ( I had taken a sick day) so it would be believable when I brought it out tomorrow.
I spent the rest of the day feeling sorry for myself and I pretended to be asleep when Ginny dropped by to check on me. I rang in the new year just like I did the last one—alone in bed in tears.
January 1st 2001
The next morning dawned cold and clear. It was snowing but very lightly. All in all it was a very fine day.
I was in pretty bad shape. Today was Draco's wedding day. In a few hours he would be married and all my dreams would be shattered. I didn't know what to do with myself. I kept bursting into tears every few minutes. I felt so lost and hopeless. When the Prophet arrived it made things even worse. There was a big article in it about the wedding and a picture of Draco and Astoria. They looked much more at ease with one another compared to the first time I had seen their picture in the paper a year ago. It made me uncontrollably furious to see him so comfortable with her. I flew into a jealous rage and started throwing things. When I calmed own I was embarrassed at my behavior. I was the one who told him to be with her so I had no right to be jealous. I fixed up my mess, drank some tea and went back to bed. I wasn't up for anything else.
Ginny and Harry came over at 3:00 pm—two hours before the wedding was due to start—to check on me and to see if I would be able to go. They found me half asleep in bed—looking even worse than yesterday.
"Hermione?" Ginny called out softly.
"Gin?" I said weakly.
"How are you feeling sweetie? You don't look so good." She said with worry.
"Ginny's right. Do you want to go to the hospital?" Harry added.
"It's okay guys. It's just the flu. I'm sure I'll feel better soon." I reassured them.
"Alright but if you're not better by tomorrow I'm taking you to St Mungos." Harry warned.
"So I guess this means you won't be going to the wedding? Ginny said in disappointment.
"Sorry Gin. I hope you have fun." I told her.
They left a few minutes later, with promises to come and see me tonight.
I knew that I was safe from them for a few hours so they're was no use pretending to be sick anymore. I had achieved my aim—I was spared from attending the wedding. I showered, washed my hair and got dressed in warm and comfortable clothes. I even played with Crookshanks for a bit. I remembered my promise to let go of the past forever after Draco got married. I was trying to get a head start by doing all the normal stuff I usually did. I tried reading too but the book only held my attention for a short while. Next I tried going over some documents that I had brought home from work. That served me better but I still couldn't keep it up for very long.
My thoughts were on Draco as usual. It was now 4:15 pm. His wedding ceremony would be starting in forty-five minutes. Those next forty-fiv minutes would not be easy. I was already in a will panic about how I would live after he was lost from me for good and to know that only minutes separated me from that fate—I couldn't bear it. I started crying again. Sobbing really.
The tears fell thickly down my face and I rocked back and forth, sobbing my heart out. I was so brave and sacrificing when I let him go. I had thought that I was doing the right thing. I knew that I had done the right thing. That was why I never allowed myself to become weak and beg him to take me back. No matter how much I wanted to sometimes. I was setting us both free from a life of regret. A life without family and fiends.
Now with only a half an hour left till my sacrifice would be complete—I wasn't so sure that I had done the right thing anymore. Not sure at all.
Why? Why must we give up our love just because others would be bothered by it? How was that fair? If they really loved or cared about us as much as they say thy did then would have learned to accept us. If they didn't so what? It would be hard to live without them but we would have each other and that would enough. We would be happy in our own little world. We would find so new friends. One day we wold have our own family. And maybe when those who abandoned us saw how happy and committed we were, they would come around and accept us after all.
Why couldn't I have seen all that clearly back then?
You did see it but you didn't want to so you put it out of your mind. The truth is that you were scared of losing Draco somewhere along the line because you never truly believed you were right for him. His family would never accept you and he would one day wise up and leave you for a nice pure-blood girl. so when presented with the opportunity, you left him before he could leave you. Until now I had kept those thoughts at bay—never allowing them to take shape but they forced their way out today.
That was the crux of the matter. I was afraid of Draco leaving me. Scared that he didn't love me as much as he say he did. Scared that his parents would make him leave me. I didn't have much experience in the way of relationships but I knew that I wasn't anybody's idea of a dream girl. I was plain and bookish and had bad hair. Who would dream of that?
Draco would—did. I answered myself promptly. He had always loved me for me—because of those things I thought of as flaws and not in spite of them. In all our time together he had never made me feel anything but beautiful and perfect. He used those two adjectives to describe me so many times too.
He really did love me though. He would never have left if I hadn't made him. I should have known that. I should have known it all those times when he would look at me at work and I would see the pain in his eyes. I should have known that day in the lift when he so much as admited he still loved me. I should have known. How could a man with a seemingly perfect fiance still feel so deeply about someone like me? There was only one answer: He truly loved me and have given me the world if I had let him.
Too late now.
Or was it?
I had already come to the conclusion that I would never be truly happy without him and now that I was faced directly with the certainty of that loss—well I couldn't handle it. I couldn't let go after all. Not now not ever. If I wanted to have a happy life, Draco would need to be back in it and I would try my best to make that happen. I had one last chance to make my dreams come true and I would take it no matter the consequences.
I knew what I had to do.
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