The next time Spock saw Jim, he was angry. Furious. Icy blue eyes scorched through his barriers. Spock opened the door to his office wider and allowed the cadet inside. If Jim was about to blow up it would be better to do so in privacy.

"I hate you. I trusted you." Jim spat as he marched forward and crowded into Spock's personal space. "Was it all some joke?"

Spock watched as Jim shook his head and let out a short bark. One part laugh, one part sob.

"All those days I spent on the fucking Kobayashi Maru and you didn't think to mention you made the thing? You pretended to care. Holy shit. I fell for this. I thought I'd finished being naive. I thought I could trust... you." Jim snarled, racking his hands through his hair. He looked dishevelled. His eyes were red rimmed with darks bags and the tip of his nose was red.

"The Kobayashi Maru is not something you can win. It is programmed to stimulate a no win scenario." Spock sat back down in his chair. Jim's anger, although never directed at him before, could last a while.

"Then there isn't a way to pass it. You make everyone fail before they've even begun." Jim glared, hands braced against the wood of Spock's desk.

"You have yet to ascertain the point, Jim." Spock kept his voice even, trying to salvage the situations somewhat.

"Enlighten me." Spock could hear Jim's teeth grinding as he spoke. It seemed like he'd made a grave mistake.

"Starfleet needs to know what you, as a Captain, will do when faced with the fear of certain death. Can you lead a starship knowing you will perish?" Spock tried not to think of it. A life without Jim was something he'd rather not envision.

"How exactly is that fair?" Jim asked, leaning towards Spock. "One day you'll be Captain."

Jim's statement was more than a little confusing. He was clearly upset with Spock and yet he held onto the conviction that Spock would one day be promoted into the position he'd dreamed of since he was a child. Spock was content as a Science officer. Command wasn't what he'd been aiming to achieve when he'd enrolled in the academy. Exploration and new discoveries had always been Spock's main interest.

"Are you referring to my Vulcan heritage?" Spock clarified. It was the only thing he could think of which might give him some advantage to his emotionally driven peers.

"Yes, you cold blooded computer." Jim was seething, indignant fury washing off him in waves.

"Jim, I do not-" Spock didn't get to finish his sentence before Jim interrupted.

"Just leave me alone." Jim growled as he opened the door and stormed off.

Spock changed his listed office hours, effectively locking the door. He needed some time to think. A meditation session was now overdue.

He sunk to the floor beside his desk, long legs folded into a lotus position. Focusing on his breathing, Spock slipped into the first meditative stage. Here, he ordered his thoughts and reviewed the emotions which had been conjured throughout the day. He dove deeper into the depths of his mind, soothing the turmoil where he found it. The second state was largely devoted to accepting his emotional responses -confusion, hurt, alarm, frustration, surprise, remorse, agitation- and placing them back in their vaults. The final state before one entered a trance was the rebuilding of his controls. Why was it that Jim could knock down every wall he built without effort?

Spock sent mental tendrils out, feeling along the surface of the four walls which dominated his mindscape. They rose to untold heights, untouched by the sparse vegetation which sprawled throughout his inner sanctum or the organised clutter of his inner and outer spheres.

A quick inspection showed that Jim had ripped holes through each layer of his mind.

Spock set to work straight away. He began on his innermost barrier, the one surrounding his katra. He imagined a stone, carved it into the exact size and shape he required and focused the principles of Surak to lend it strength. When this was done he moved onto the next wall which served to keep in his emotions, when they leaked from their containers. On and on he went, fashioning each stone to fill in the gaps Jim left behind.

When Spock finally stirred, it was past the time he usually left campus. He gathered his things and left, walking along the darkening streets with precise, unhurried steps. Meditation had cleared his mind, to a degree however, he required an outside opinion. As much as he trusted Pavel, his little Human was much too young to be expected to give him the advice he so desperately needed. It seemed like a good time to call Vulcan. No doubt his mother would know what to do.

Spock climbed the stairs into the lobby of his building and hopped into the elevator. He pressed the button for the penthouse, swiped his key card and waited for the 3.02 second interval before the doors opened with a soft ding. A short hallway led to his door, which he unlocked and latched behind him. Floating voices flowed from the kitchen area, Pavel singing in Russian to an Orion pop song.

When he walked past the open plan living area, Pavel threw himself at Spock. His bag bounced on the brown leather couch where Pavel dumped it in his enthusiasm. Without warning, Pavel grabbed his forearms and began swinging them whilst swivelling his body in time with the music.

Spock was only allowed to leave when the song was finished and an advertisement for hovercraft insurance began to blast through the speakers.

He made his way into his bedroom, basking in the warm feeling curling in his chest. Was this how his mother felt spending time with him as a child?

Sitting down at his home communication set, he wondered about how his mother felt whenever he'd rejected her advances. Apologies were illogical however, so was denying how you felt for someone. He should tell her. Decision made, he entered their comm number in ShiKahr.

"Spock? Honey, how are you? You look great." Amanda smiled gently through the screen. The sight made Spock relax. It had been too long since he'd contacted his mother.

"Hello mother, I am functioning within satisfactory parameters." Spock took a moment to really look at his mother. She had aged since he'd last seen her. The crinkles by her eyes and the lines around her mouth were more defined. She was getting old. It was distressing to be reminded of the very many years he would outlive his mother. Years Sarek would outlive his mate.

"I assume there is a logical reason for this call, Spock?" Her tone was light and teasing and yet it dredged up a feeling of immense guilt.

"I find myself as conflicted as I once was, as a child." Spock searched for the words he needed.

"Is this about a particular person?" Amanda asked, a smile in her voice.

"It is. I have caused him great emotional harm and I do not know how to fix it." Spock felt another wave of guilt. It was getting more and more difficult to think straight. He wanted to just bury his nose in Jim's hair and breathe him in.

"Ah. That's a hard one. Do you know what he was feeling?" Amanda spoke without judgement or contempt but Spock could feel it welling up inside of him. How could anyone hurt someone as sweet and wonderful as Jim? It rattled all his alpha instincts, set as they were to protect the golden Human.

"Anger, confusion, embarrassment, grief, fear, despair-" His mother cut him off.

"Spock, honey, maybe you should apologise. I know it doesn't seem logical but Humans sometimes need apologies. It's how they know you weren't meaning to hurt them." Amanda sighed, "Other than that, I don't know. You need to talk about it and consider his feelings."

"Your advice is most appreciated. I, thank you, mother." Spock said, only slightly tripping over the unfamiliar words.

"You're welcome, Spock. You make me so proud. I love you." Amanda reached a hand out, as if to brush back his bangs or straighten his jumper, as she would were they sitting in the same room.

"And I, you." He raised his hand in the ta'al until the screen turned back.

Spock sat in his study until dinner was ready, Pavel's 'infamous' borscht soup. He didn't really understand how something could be infamous when the only other people who knew about it were Jim and the emergency staff at Starfleet Medical. The flavour was however, soft enough for his sensitive taste buds and the nutritional content satisfying. Spock chalked it up to illogical Human behaviours and left it at that. Sometimes, it was best to leave them to it.


The next morning, Spock neglected his morning marking regime to focus on an extra hour of meditation. His thoughts and emotions had to be in order to avoid another misunderstanding with Jim.

Spock walked down the beach, shoes and socks tucked into his bag and eyes firmly planted on the figure coming out of the water. The black and orange surf board was familiar. Enough of a marker to know that it was just the person he'd been looking for.

Spock watched as Jim shook the salt water out of his hair before approaching.

"I thought I told you to leave me alone." Jim said as he stared resolutely at the ocean. He looked beautiful and achingly lonely.

"Vulcans do feel, Jim." Spock stopped beside Jim, their shadows stretching together, reaching for the ocean.

"It doesn't seem like it." Jim suddenly sounded so young and insecure. It was hard to put the two people Spock knew, the stubborn James Kirk who stopped at nothing to get what he wanted and this fragile, unsure Jim, together. It was easy to ignore Jim's omega status when he was perpetually oozing charm and alpha assuredness.

"I am unsure of how to proceed. I wish to stop the pain I caused. I wish to go back-" Spock began.

"Back to what? What were we, Spock?" Jim finally turned to face him, blue eyes dulled and brows creased.

"I find, I do not know. All I know is that I can not be without you." Spock whispered, the air between them charged. One wrong move and Spock was sure Jim would be off up that sand dune and out of his life. He thought about it. Everything that'd happened between them. All the emotions. What almost happened at the Christmas Eve party. Yesterdays fight.

"Do you know what I fear? You. The feelings you inspire." Spock said, gaze bouncing off the waves before them and back onto Jim's eyes. "I fear a life without you in it."

Jim's head tilted, his eyes running over Spock's features. He didn't know what Jim was looking for. Perhaps some clue to the sincerity of Spock's words. Whatever it was, it seemed like Jim found it.

"Then make sure I'm in it." His words were a gust of warm air against Spock's lips.

Spock's hands reached down, one curling around Jim's hip and pulling his closer while the other entwined with Jim's fingers. Their lips touched, Jim pulled up on his toes to reach Spock's mouth. It was short and sweet, merely a touch of mouths to share a tender moment. Spock nuzzled into Jim's cheek and places butterfly kisses along his nose. It stirred giggles from Jim's throat. Giggles Spock swallowed like water after a drought.

Eventually, Spock rested their foreheads together, content to feel the hum of Jim's thoughts under his skin. He looked into big blue eyes and sent his affection through their skin to skin contact. Surprise and joy reached out to him, Jim's psi null mind automatically deepening the link between them. They were, unsurprisingly, compatible. More so than any of the Vulcans Sarek had attempted to bond Spock with as a child.


This chapter is dedicated to J.L.O.F and AiMila who gave me the courage to write it. (I can't even begin to tell you how much trouble this gave me.) You guys are awesome sauce.