Chapter 17: Warm Sanctuary

"Trouble is part of your life, and if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you a chance to love you enough." – Dinah Shore

"Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself. But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires: To melt and be like a running brook that sings it melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tenderness. To be wounded by your own understanding of love; And to bleed willingly and joyfully. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving; To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy; To return home at eventide with gratitude; And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips." Kahlil Gibran (The Prophet)

"It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour." – Francis Bacon


"Vaughn are you ok?"

He didn't answer so she moved him back a little and saw that tears were running down his face.
"Oh, Vaughn…what's the matter? Did I hurt you? I'm sorry honey."

He shook his head no and she realized this might be an opportune time to get him to talk. If he felt safe enough, he might open up to her. She moved away for a moment and shed her clothes and then eased herself behind Vaughn in the tub. He seemed startled by her presence and was about to move away.

"Hey, it's ok…it's me…" she eased him back into her arms and smoothed his hair back. Her left hand moved to hold his, careful around his splinted fingers and her right moved in gentle circles on his chest.

"Shh…it's ok…you're alright, I'm here Vaughn. Nobody can hurt you." She whispered soft words to soothe him and he eventually seemed to calm.

"Vaughn, I know how hard it must be for you…do you want to talk?" she prodded.

He was silent and she thought for a moment that her idea wasn't going to work. She would have been content just to hold him and talk later, but he eventually started to open up.

"What do you want to talk about?" he asked softly.

"Whatever you want…" she said trying not to pressure him.

He was silent again and then said, "I dreamed about you…"

"You did? What did you dream?"

"I dreamed that we were walking on a beach, laughing and splashing…and we would stop and make love in the water…that was one of them anyway…it was those things that kept me alive Sydney. Thoughts of you kept me alive."

She kept up her soft hair stroking and decided it was probably better to just listen to him, to let him get out whatever he needed to.

"I wondered sometimes when I was in there, what you were doing. I'd image all sorts of things, I knew you'd be looking for me, but as time went on, I pretty much gave up hope of being found. I thought that I would never get to see you again, I kept thinking about when Sloane let me talk to you, that would be the last time I ever heard your voice…how did you find me?"

"You probably won't believe me…but my mother called and told me where you were."

He didn't really seem surprised by her revelation.

"I believe you…it was really strange actually, she never really seemed into the whole torture thing. She was always very passive…she didn't say not to do anything to me, but she refused to do anything herself."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah."

"Who did do it to you? What did they do?"

"Mostly it was a few of Sloane's men, he occasionally liked to join in the fun, but usually he seemed to get more satisfaction in watching. Sark was there, he would do it if Sloane told him too, but he really didn't seem to get a lot of enjoyment out of it either."

"Vaughn, tell me what they did to you."

He was silent for a moment and shuddered involuntarily, reliving horrors he didn't really want to revisit.

Sydney tightened her grip on him as she sensed his change. "It's ok Vaughn, they can't hurt you anymore."

He didn't make any move to tell her anymore.

"You don't have to tell me right now if you don't want to Vaughn." She realized the enormity of what he had already told her, and didn't want to push him away by forcing more. Plus, she knew pushing him too far too fast could mean a lot more damage.

"No…it's ok…it's just…hard…" he sniffled again, and Sydney took more of him in her arms, letting him know that she was there.

"At first, they would just come in and hit me, beat me up. It really never went past that in the beginning. I'm not sure if they were waiting for something or what, but they would come in, beat me up and then leave me again. I guess they did it a couple times a day, I don't really remember…I passed out a lot…then after Sloane called you, it all changed. He meant what he said, he didn't really care about anything anymore, and I seemed to be a great way to work out whatever frustrations he had over Emily's death. I think he took the anger out on me. That's when he started to get more inventive…" Vaughn shuddered again.

"Hey, you don't have to tell me anymore right now, Vaughn. Maybe we should leave it there for awhile."

"No…no…I think I'd rather just get it out…is that ok?"

"Yeah…sweetie that's ok, I just don't want you to feel like you have to tell me everything right now."

"If you don't want to hear it Sydney, I don't have to tell you…"

"That's not what I said, Vaughn, I just don't want you to hurt yourself more by reliving it all right now in the bathtub. I want to hear it, I need to know what they did to you…I want to know what they did to you so I know how to pay them back…" He could feel her smile and he relaxed again. "Just go slow, ok, don't rush yourself, and if you think it's getting to be too much, stop, ok…"

"Yeah…so…he started experimenting with other ways to torture me. He liked the burns…he came up with all sorts of ways to burn me with stuff." Vaughn winced.

"What did he use?" Sydney pressed.

"Whatever he could find. He liked cigars a lot. Or he'd heat up metal and then press it in…it was awful…there wasn't anything like knowing what he was going to do with it. He would make a game out of it…heating something up and then coming at me, telling me what he was going to do. He'd leave it there so long, God, Sydney I tried so hard not to let him know how much it hurt, but after while, it was useless…he liked the screaming…the…the smell…" he faltered momentarily.

"Oh God Vaughn," Sydney's tears were mixing with Vaughn's. She didn't know what else to do but hold him.

"That's not all either…after the burns, he'd bring out the whip. It was black and long and it had four metal spikes on the end. I know because he showed me. They'd chain me to the wall and he'd have one of his men whip me while he watched on the side, laughing at my screams. If I passed out, he'd wait until I came around again and then start over."

He was silent for a moment and she could tell that he was reliving a painful memory. He shook his head to rid his mind of it.

"Then after a round of that, I'd be taken back to the cell. They'd throw me in and lock the door and wait until morning so they could do it all over again. Usually in the morning, they'd wake me up by kicking me and then they'd drag me out into the room again. Sloane called it the interrogation room, but he never asked me any real questions. He'd ask me about you, but that was about it. I really don't think I spent much of the time there fully conscious, which was probably a good thing, but I remember pain…unbelievable pain…and he'd tell me things…things he was going to do…later…to…to…" he left his sentence trail off and Sydney waited for more. She was sure there was, but that was more than enough for him for one day. She gently moved out from behind him and pulled the plug on the bathtub. He looked up at her with a haunted look.

"It's ok, I'm going to refill it…you shouldn't get cold…" she started adding water to the tub again, not letting it all drain out so he didn't get cold. Once the water was hot again and the tub was full, she moved back down towards him. She sat on his legs this time and eased him back so his head was resting on the pillow again.

"Vaughn, I'm so sorry…I wish I had gotten to you sooner, I wish I knew what to say to you to make it better, to make it go away, but I really don't think there are words to make it go away. If I could, I'd take it all away…I can't make the memories go away and I can't take away what they did to you, but I can be here for you…I can hold you…I can talk to you…I can listen…and I can guarantee that with time, it will get better."

Vaughn continued to look at Sydney, "You do more than you can possibly imagine…right here, Syd, this is enough. I can't think of what else I could want or need…"

She leaned down and kissed him and looked him poignantly. "Do you want me to make love to you?"

"More than anything else…I…I need to be inside you…"

She needed no further encouragement. She reached down and stroked his semi-hard cock to its full hardness. Slowly she mounted him, never losing eye contact. She waited until he was inside her fully and then reached up to his face and put her hand on his cheek, "You're safe…"

He nodded and cried softly. She leaned forward and held onto him while he cried. When the tears stopped running she looked back at him and began to move. She moved gently, the water in the tub moved as well, softly brushing against the edges of the tub. Steam rose around them and Sydney squeezed Vaughn's penis with her inner muscles, pulling him further inside her. She came back off until he was barely inside her and crashed back down. His legs shuddered and he moved them closer to his body so he could get deeper. She looked down at him, "Be careful, ok?"

He nodded and smiled, but left his legs where they were. She placed her hands on either side of his head and held onto the edge of the tub as she moved him inside her. She let him thrust gently, but reminded him with a glance to be careful. He smiled again and thrust upward, and as she came back down onto him she could feel the head of his penis bumping her cervix. "Oh God Vaughn." She moaned. He smiled as they did it again.

"Hey, who's comforting who here?" she chided.

"Why can't we do both?" he asked quietly.

She smiled and the next time he bumped her cervix she squeezed her muscles and he let out a loud moan. Two can play that game then, she thought. They moved in unison, softly, gently, tenderly, moving to the steps of their familiar dance of love. Vaughn watched in wonder as he saw his cock appearing and disappearing inside Sydney. He couldn't think of anything more wonderful, anyone more wonderful, or any other place that he'd rather be. That's always the way it was with Sydney. He loved just being in the same room with her. He realized the extent of what she was taking on here, his nightmare and her own, of the fragileness of life and he fully intended not to take her gift to him lightly. He watched the emotions playing across her face, the look of love and desire in her eyes and the comfort that he received just from her simple glance. She seemed to notice that he had drifted slightly and placed her hand on his face drawing him back. She looked concerned for a moment, wondering if he was thinking about torture, but his smile reassured her. She arched her back further and listened to the delicious sounds of a new moan issuing from him. She opened her eyes to find his closed and leaned down to kiss him.

She moved from his mouth to every inch of his face and then ended up at his neck, kissing and sucking on the sensitive spot she knew existed there. Once he was purring, she stopped and leaned back up again. Knowing she had his full attention once again, she started her motions.

His splinted fingers moved to her hips and he moved with her as she rocked on him. "Hey, try not to get those wet…ok?" she said breathlessly. He could only nod; he was getting close, she could tell and she wanted him to feel as safe as possible when he came. She renewed her efforts once again and was rather surprised when she felt Vaughn's finger on her clit. She convulsed almost violently, it had been so long since he had touched her there. She came instantly, looking down at him through her moans, watching him watch her. She wanted him to come with her, so she leaned forward and used her muscles again to pull him in her further. His head pushed back against the edge of the tub, and she whispered, "Vaughn, I want you to come inside me, deep inside me. Push up," she stated. He complied and felt her squeeze him again. He thought he'd pass out from the sensations her inner muscles were having on his penis. "More," she said, "all the way honey." She helped him until he felt a final barrier give way. She squeezed once more powerfully and bared down on him saying, "You can't go any farther, Vaughn, this is as safe as you're ever going to be…you're in my womb." His eyes shot open at that remark and she caught him as he spasmed violently, shooting into her. She could feel the heat of his ejaculation deep inside her, and his orgasm sparked another one of her own. She held him as he came down, and she realized he was crying again. She whispered as she held him, "It's ok, you're safe…"

He moved away slightly with tears still in his eyes, "I know, Sydney, I know…" She held him a while longer, but finally said, "Vaughn, honey, I hate to tell you this, but we really need to get out of this tub soon before someone thinks we've drown and breaks the door down or before we both turn into prunes, whichever comes first." She smiled at him and kissed him deeply.

"I love you Sydney," he whispered.

"I love you too…" she answered in return. She got off him then, and held out her hand to help him, and even though he was reluctant to leave the sanctuary of the tub and her warm embrace, he knew that she would be sleeping at his side as soon as they were back in his room. He accepted her hand and allowed her to dry him off. He relaxed as she reapplied the bandages and the rib wrap and checked his splints, to make sure they hadn't gotten wet while they were in the bath. Remarkably, they hadn't.

She had him wrapped in towels and was gently drying his hair while he relaxed in a more comfortable chair in the room. She looked down at him and touched his face again, smiling at the stubble that had gotten quite full on his face. They had shaved him when he first arrived in the ER, but that had been days ago, and Sydney hadn't really noticed how thick the stubble had gotten.

"Hey, do you want me to give you a shave before we go back to your room?"

"I hate shaving, Sydney."

"I know, that's why I'd do it for you, plus, I'd really like to see you try to give yourself a decent shave with three broken fingers on your left hand, the hand which also happens to be in a sling at the current moment. Right handed could get interesting too."

He smiled at her, "Ok…"

"Do you trust me Agent Vaughn?" she asked in a sexy voice.

"With all my heart, mind, body and soul, Sydney…all of which you currently hold in your hands," he answered equally romantically.

"Well, when you put it that way Vaughn…" she smiled seductively and went to get the razor.

She put a small amount of shaving cream on her hands and lathered up his cheeks, chin and neck. She took stock of any cuts that littered that area before applying the cream so she would know which spots to be particularly careful of. She then set to work, starting on his right cheek. He remained calm through the whole process, even though Sydney got a little shaky when she nearly opened a small cut on his neck. She thanked whatever lucky star she had woke up under that morning, that she had actually completed the whole thing without cutting him once. She wished she could have similar luck when she shaved her own legs, she mused.

"There," she said admiring her work after she cleaned the excess shaving cream off of his face.

She then went over to the cabinet and got some aftershave and applied that as well. Vaughn took his right hand and ran it over the newly shaved area.

"Well, I must say Agent Bristow, I think you're better at that than I am. I hope you enjoyed it, because unless I become ambidextrous, you'll probably be helping me with that for the next several months."

"It would be my absolute pleasure, Agent Vaughn. However, you may change your mind the next time when I'll probably cut half of your face off."

He laughed softly at their banter, feeling more at home than he had in a long time. Sydney was home; she was his salvation.

She helped him back to bed after the bath and shave, helped put his oxygen tube back on, and lay down next to him in the bed, praying that tonight, he would sleep soundly through the rest of the night.